I’m Trying

So true

“I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

— Jack Kerouac (via quotemadness)

Things are so different, everything has changed. We have changed, I’m not so sure that I know anything at all about you, sometimes I wonder if I ever really did.

So…. I’m still trying to make this marriage to work. I feel like he doesn’t ever want to work through anything, I feel like every time we get into an argument he does something that pulls us even further apart, then God forbid if I bring up anything about the argument because then I’m just bitching, well fuck, we yet to work through the last 5 arguments. So nothing ever changes except when it gets worse…. So QUESTION???

The last situation was, me off my psych meds for like 4 days and that alone is my head going a million miles a min, so I’m a basket case anyways. My aunt had passed away, so it’s the day before her memorial. We were close, I took care of her, up until about a year ago and her son was able to get them a place. Anyways, so the day before my husband happens on on some xans and they help tremendously when my psych meds are missed, and I had a really bad week so I was in between scripts, so for starters he ask where I put them said he was gonna get two of them then leaves with all of them, with me going through what I was, and him to do that, it made me feel like he could give two fucks about me. So if that wasn’t enough he doesn’t get home til after 3 in the morning. I mean it’s everything before me always. I’m done I can’t even finish this story I just want to be able to let it go!!! I can’t do this anymore….. he’s evil I couldn’t treat my worst enemy as shitty as he does me at times. I’m drown to him anymore, I don’t want to be drown to him anymore. I just want it to be over!!!

Still not one word. I feel like I just got befriended, betrayed, forgotten... this isn’t like me, I’m used to how people are, why do I always think so positive about people who her so evil, fake, and as always I’m without someone that I thought I earned trust from. I understood his issues and what I didn’t know I would figure out. But, ya know, obviously he wasn’t special, I am always good to people even when others say they don’t deserve my time, I’m always looking at every side of a situation. That’s the Gemini.... I’m not changing for anyone, but it’s so hard to try and build with someone to begin with much less continuously having to or wanting to try again to let someone new in to your circle as some call it, but I do keep my friends that are real and give them everything that a friend should! Im so emabarassed that I let him so close, I guess time will heal that...

Facts

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

— Marilyn Monroe

Damn

I love to turn you on

I’ve been almost a week without him. He made it look so easy to walk away. I’m not sure if I ever meant anything to him at all, at this point I don’t want to know. I just want to forget about him. Close that chapter in my life. I’ve been through this like 3 times, the other 2 men both ended up regretting their disicissions, so not only did I have to get over them, then after I was at the point of over it and no more pain, then I had to be the one that said no when they want to try again. That whole not knowing what you have til it’s gone is bullshit. When something is special to me it doesn’t just get old. Some people want to have that moment to see someone that hurt them, hurt. I don’t want to see anyone hurt... I don’t want him to ever want me back. I’m just ready to be over this and feel better!

On that roller coaster ride! Hands up! Eyes clintched tight! Ima do it with no hands!