I Dont Want To Come Back. Let Me Fade Into Obscurity. Let The Days Tick By Till My Memory Becomes Stale

Sed the Depressed Hoarder of Bananas and Chocolate syrup 

Doctor: So there’s nothing we can do from here…

Me: (having done hours of academic research on the subject)

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

Tonight

Im in so much fucking pain holy fuck i dont know what i did but jesus christ it hurts so bad I can’t stay still and id beg for pain medicine rn and i hate medicine but fuck please make it stop its fucking agony

Have I already told the person this thing? Have I only thought about telling them? Have I only dreamt about telling them? Or am I going to tell them and find out I already told them 3 times before?

if it makes you unable to get out of bed: you’re not faking it

if it makes you unable to think straight: you’re not faking it

if it makes you unable to brush your hair in the morning: you’re not faking it

even if you’re still able to work and smile during the day but unable to sleep or move later that day because of it: you’re not faking it

if it effects you in any way: you are not faking it

THIS IS REAL, don’t second guess yourself because others do

YOU GOT THIS

Your health matters!

You can’t help anyone unless you help yourself.

Rest, Heal and be happy.