Latest Posts by crispysnewblog - Page 3
He is wearing the 'ok bitch call batman I'll have sex with him' tee because the entirety of batman inc. keeps doubting his abilities and threatening to call batman
what the B stands for when Bruce’s colleagues call him that
Diana: baby (lovingly)
Clark: babe (exasperatedly)
Hal: bitch (provokingly *wink*)
Barry: boss (*star eyes*)
Arthur: buddy (*attempts to hook his arm around Bruce’s neck*)
Ollie: Brucie (old habit)
bonus
John (Constantine): bestie (*just pissed Bruce off and about to piss him off further)
For the art meme…. Jason Todd C5 👁️👁️
this barbie is a crime lord 💖
What are the weirdest things Jason stole from the Batcave?
Kryptonite
The bat-plane's landing gear
The Discowing suit
A 5-foot-tall painting of Titus as a revolutionary hero
The Batcomputer's hard drive
Duke's sandwich
50 gallons of kerosene
Roy's trick arrows that Bruce confiscated
The dinosaur
The giant penny
An industrial sandblaster
The Batmobile's tires
Cass's pre-workout snacks
The ice cream Bernard left in the fridge for Tim
The bat-canoe
Black Mask's full criminal record
His own autopsy report
Bat-Cow
Some rando: "What's your deadname?"
Transmasc Jason, making overly intense eye contact with them: "It's Jadaughter."
Bat and Super dynamics are interesting and all but Bat and Wonder dynamics are fucking hilarious cause from what I've gathered, when you strip them to their bare essentials you've got;
Diana: You could just kill them and stop them from hurting those you love.
Bruce: I get the urge sometimes, but my moral code-
Diana, understands why he has the code but that doesn't mean she agrees with it: Pussy.
--
Donna: aim for the head!
Dick, knowing full well it'll kill the guy but his faith in Donna overrides his logic: okay!
Dick, after killing him: oh my God :( why did you tell me to do that :( he's dead now :(
Donna: it's okay. He was a horrible guy.
Dick: oh okay. I believe you.
--
Artemis: we're killing them.
Jason: I'm so in love with you that it like physically hurts sometimes.
--
Cassie: we should just kill these fucking people
Tim: hell yeah let's do it
Cassie: not gonna question it?
Tim: why would I?
--
I'm sure there's a case about morality and dynamics to be made here but this is just so funny to me
Arguing about who is Damian's favorite brother
Jason: Dickhead doesn't count! He's basically the brat's second dad!
Damian: Actually I already have a method in place to determine which one of you wastes of space is my favorite if I'm asked.
Jason: Oh? Don't keep us in suspense then.
Damian: It's simple really. Whoever has the highest kill count at the time is my alleged favorite.
Jason: HA! Suck it losers!
Dick: No fair! I killed the Joker!
Jason: What?
Damian: And while I would normally count that as at least 10, since Father revived him-
Jason: WHAT!?
Damian: Todd, we cannot stop to explain all of the family drama everytime you find yourself out of the loop. You will simply have to unblock us and rejoin the group chat.
Tim: Yeah Jason, get your family updates like the rest of us
Damian: As I was saying, since the Joker isn't dead despite your best efforts, I've decided that your count is at 5.
Jason: So I'm your favorite?
Damian: No. Your confirmed kills are between 20-40. Unfortunately, Drake is my favorite since his confirmed kill count is in the low hundreds.
Dick: I'm sorry. Can someone please explain how my Baby Bird has a kill count at all
Tim, trying to escape through the vents: YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ASSHOLE!!!
Damian: You swore that you didn't touch my Taj Mahal Lego set. I guess we're both liars
A brand new hero 12 seconds after stepping over the border of Central City: Time to- The Rogues, materialising out of nowhere: You’re not Barry. Hero: Sorry, what? Captain Cold: Where’s Barry? We want Barry back. Hero: How did you even get here so fast? Golden Glider: We’re chased by the best, we know how to be quick. Hero: Who are you people? Heat Wave: Great, we get to do the Villain Speech. Barry loves the Villain Speech. Captain Cold: Remember that time Barry and I got into a pun-off? That was amazing. He has the best puns. I could listen to him forever. Hero: What the fuck is happening right now? Captain Cold: You swear? What kind of example are you setting for the kids? Barry never swears. Mirror Master: I mean, he said Fiddlesticks that one time. Pied Piper: But he felt really bad about it after. Hero: Look, I just want to do a quick patrol, maybe kick some bad guy ass, then go home okay? Captain Cold: A quick patrol? You mean you’re not going to lecture us on how much good we could be doing for the city instead? Barry would be lecturing us by now. You’re supposed to be telling me that you know I want to be a hero like you and getting misty eyed and choked up and- Golden Glider: Lenny… Captain Cold: Huh? Oh. Right. Yeah, you’re supposed to be trying to reform us not punish us. Barry doesn’t care about kicking ass, kid. Hero: Heat Wave: You’re not going to stop and make sure everyone in the bank we just robbed had dinner before sending them home? Barry would have brought pizza. Hero: Pied Piper: I bet you don’t even make sure your crooks get to a hospital after you beat them up. Captain Cold: We are so disappointed in you.
Brand new hero 12 seconds after stumbling into the Hall of Justice covered in frost and You Tried Your Best stickers, sobbing: Why are they so mean??
Dick: Hey Jay- wait… um… is that your death certificate as your computer background.
Jason: Yea, wait it gets better.
Jason: *flips to next background to a picture of him crouching next to his headstone*
Hal: I think we should get a divorce.
Barry: What are you doing?
Hal: Just practicing.
Barry: Why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?
Hal: I don't know. I'm 42, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
Barry: You don't even have a partner.
Hal: Hypothetically divorce me.
Barry: Okay, then I'm hypothetically taking half your assets.
Hal: Well you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup.
Hal, to Bruce: It's called a prenup, right?
Bruce: Yeah, it's a prenup and you DID hypothetically sign one.
Barry: Who the fuck is this guy?
Bruce: I'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case.
Barry: Well then, I'm taking the hypothetical kids.
Barry, to Clark: Right? We can get those, right?
Clark: Yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it.
Hal: Who the fuck is this hypothetical nerd? Fucking idiot glasses-wearing nerd.
Clark: Wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. I need to keep these on for continuity because I look like the other lawyer.
Barry: This is MY hypothetical lawyer and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other.
Hal: How could you hypothetically do this to me?!
Barry: Because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!
Dick: So yeah, it really pisses Jason off, which is my main motivation, -- but I did sign Bruce up for Tinder
The JL in literal seconds:
AITA for not telling my brother that I lost my spleen?
Okay, so I don't think I'm wrong here, but he's been really upset (not mad, but he gives me these really sad looks that make me want to apologize over and over again).
Background:
I (m17) lost my father a year ago. My brother (N, m24) focused on my new little brother (R, m11, we just found out about him, mom not in the picture) because he thought I would handle myself. R and I didn't get along initially because we were jealous of each other and he took every opportunity to antagonize me. N took away something very important to me and gave it to R without telling me, and I found out when I walked in on R gloating. N's defense was that he knew I wouldn't take it well so he planned to tell me later, and that R needed it more. We argued and both said some things we wish we could take back.
(I don't blame him for any of this anymore, it was a very hard time for all of us and he was thrust into our father's shoes while grieving. We've talked, and I know he did what he thought was best for me and R, because he believed placing me as an equal to him would show that he trusted me. But he apologized for not understanding how much taking it away would hurt me and that I still wanted to be a kid, not an adult, and I apologized for not being more understanding of his position. We've moved on and are working on our relationship.)
Anyway, the main conflict was that I believed our father was still alive and nobody else did. My other older brother (RH, m21) was the exception, but he's estranged and didn't want to get involved.
(Side note: my siblings except for R are all adopted by our father, but I got emancipated after his supposed death)
N said I was going crazy due to grief and insinuated that I should be locked up in Arkham (an asylum in my city for the criminally insane). I chose to leave to find proof that my father was alive.
Fast forward six months and I found proof, but in the midst of it, I had to have an emergency splenectomy. When I came back and gave them proof to bring my father back, relationships were still strained so I didn't tell anyone. We reconciled in time, but I still didn't see the need to tell them as it wasn't important to them.
The issue:
A week ago, R caught a nasty flu. N wanted me to give him his medicine, I declined. N, frustrated because he thought I was just being difficult, told me to just be nice to R when he’s sick and that it won't cost me anything. I snapped back that it may cost me my life, not that he would care.
Something in N's expression shattered, and he let out a little, "what?" I remembered too late that I didn't tell him I lost my spleen. I tried to backtrack, but he kept pushing until I finally admitted I lost my spleen and under what circumstances. He was devastated, and I felt really bad for not telling him because he looked like he was on the verge of tears (he's really emotional, and that year took a toll on us and is still a sensitive topic). N asked whether it's because I didn't trust him, and I said I didn't know.
Ever since then, N has been hovering over me and bugging me about my health and diet and sleeping and working habits. He told the rest of the family and they've been overbearing as well.
N, however, still feels very guilty about the whole situation. I feel bad for making him upset, but I still stand by the fact that I did nothing wrong by not telling him. I think it was just unfortunate circumstances and that neither of us are to blame. R vehemently says that I'm the AH for never saying anything because my family and I engage in an activity that gets us injured frequently. He said I endangered myself and others by not telling them (he's worried about me and that's how he shows it, and probably also feels responsible about how I lost my spleen because his maternal grandfather was involved and he's got trauma surrounding him)
So, AITA?
[Justice League group chat]
Bruce: *gets added to the chat*
Hal: Daddy.
Barry: Daddy.
Clark: Daddy.
Arthur: Stop being loud, I'm napping.
Arthur: Oh, hi Daddy.
Bruce: *leaves the chat*
Jason todd, but australian
if he studied in his years abroad in the outback and not Europe and Asia.
-
Bruce: Jason, stay here, you aren’t cleared for patrol. Jason: You’re dreaming, mate. Give me a fair go. Bruce: You have a serious concussion. Jason: She’ll be right. Pop some panadol and fuck right out.
- Jason: Awww fuck, I’m fanging for a cuppa. Dick: Jason, I’m begging you.
-
Jason after being punched: He’s built like a brick shithouse, I’ll tell ya that.
-
Bomb about to explode Jason: GUN IT! Tim: DON’T SHOOT IT! Jason running away: BOLT, ASSHOLE, BOLT.
-
Barbara: Hood, do you need backup? Jason: Yeah nah.
a collection
Humpty Dumpty slander
I remember seeing posts about Jason's goons being older than him and them realizing "Oh fuck, our boss is a child"
And now I'm just thinking about Jason venting to them every now and then because they're all collectively like "idk where this kid's parents or emotional support beams are, so ig it'll just be us"
So just imagine Jason returning to his base after a heated argument with Bruce and immediately going to his goons to wail about how badly he's been wronged
Jason, sobbing: And he just doesn't get it! *Sniff* I just wanted him to avenge me to prove he still loves me!
Goon #47, rubbing Jason's back: Mhmm
Jason: A-And I don't even ask for much! I just want him to bash in the skull of the man who killed me! Is that such a hard request?
Goon #47, texting the goon gc and telling them all to get their shit ready cuz theyre about to serve some roasted bat for dinner with a side of clown: Not at all, boss :)
thank you sans and reigen for creating the perfect energy for today to happen
drive with all the photos, and youtube version
I choose to believe that none of Bruce's family respects the Matches Malone persona. They all think it's ridiculous. All of them have fake, Matches adjacent personas that they use to relentlessly mock him.
Like, Bruce shows up at some seedy bar to scrounge up some rumours, and sitting along the bar he sees
Dick with a BIC lighter in his mouth
Jason biting chunks out of a firestarter like it's chewing tobacco
Tim with an entire box of matches in his mouth, mostly tucked into his cheek like some kind of pyromaniacal hamster
Cass munching on a lit piece of kindling like she's Clint Eastwood
Steph's got a BBQ lighter hanging out of her mouth like a cigarette holder
Damian somehow got a hold of Firefly's entire backpack flamethrower setup, and it's sitting on the bartop with the handle in his mouth
And of course, Alfred has an entire candelabra, complete with lit candles, handing out of the side of his mouth. He still somehow looks distinguished
Bruce just gives up and goes home.
Why am I the funniest at the buttfuck of dawn??
Not an attack on my American friends, but only stating the quality
actually though. various (sfw) kryptonian biology headcanons that skirt right up to human-passing
- higher base body temperature
- pupils that aren’t black but instead shaded slightly in the color of the iris. all kryptonians have unnaturally vivid eyes but it’s hard to tell exactly why unless you’re literally gazing into them
- tapetum lucidum (reflective eyes like animals) a bit harder to get away with, but are extremely funny because clark often does the maneuver where he’ll stand in front of a car to stop it, and this would make seeing him like seeing a deer but 10000000% worse
- they are actually bioluminescent it’s just that under normal circumstances it’s in the ultraviolet and we can’t see it. clark goes off to a blue sun mission and comes back looking halfway to electric blue superman. glowing stripes and freckles
- non-newtonian dynamic to their skin/flesh where it gets harder with more force applied; nothing unusual to the feeling of a normal handshake, but a punch thrown with force will break bone
- retractable fangs au because bonus teef are fun
- i swear some comic somewhere said something about nose gills
- solar lymphatic system primarily distributed along the spine. the entire spine lighting up with heat vision…
- they can collapse/skrunkle their spine a few inches; helpful with secret identity, but it restricts range of motion so it has the side benefit of making them a little clumsier
- blood tinged gold with stored solar energy
- just enough extra twist in their neck to enter uncanny valley territory - not quite looking straight behind but enough to be creepy as hell. kara would do this all the time
- golden age face squooshing. i do not think this should come back but it was actual canon for a while that they could just contort their faces. again creepy as fuck
The Watchtower Office
Bruce Wayne/Batman : Jordan you’re going to have to stay late again. You misfiled your case from this week. If it’s not properly filed, it can’t properly be compensated by the government.
Hal: what? No it’s Friday!
Bruce: file it correctly next time. Also Monday we’re having a safety drill at 7 am sharp
Hal: for what?
Bruce: Uhh *checks clipboard* tornadoes *walks off*
Hal: why? We literally have a member who’s powers are tornadoes!
—————————
Barry: I hate staff meetings. That’s why I always volunteer to clean the office kitchen to avoid them. But sometimes, I wonder if I need hazard pay. Some of this stuff is literally glowing and if I didn’t have super speed, J’Onn’s lunch would have actually exploded in my face. It might be radioactive. The fridge is haunted.
————————
Clark: and that’s why I can’t miss Haybale day in Smallville. It’s a Kent family tradition. It’s also when we propagate turnips.
Bruce: *sigh* how many holidays can smallville have?
Clark: 43. Not counting loamy soil week.
—————————
Diana: I finally left Bruce take me on a date. He solved 3 murders.
—————————
Bruce: I went on a mission with Diana. She’s very affectionate to teammates. I’ll add that to her file. But the mission was a success and we closed 3 cases in one evening.
————————
Kyle Rayner/ Green Lantern: I caught Aquaman eating salt straight from the shaker at 3 am. He then went for jog. Is that an Atlantean thing?
—————————
Clark: Bruce talks about professionalism but yesterday he flipped me off under his cape so…
Clark: actually I just realized that was one of his kids.
Clark: under the cape….
———————
Oliver Queen/ Green Arrow: I’m in love with Dinah but how do I even ask her out?
Hal: just do it. Go out with me?
Oliver: *very loud across the office* DINAH, GO OUT WITH ME?
————————
Diana: I would never tell Bruce but he got the flu once and Nightwing took over for a whole week and honestly it was nice. We did mani-pedis after missions.
———————
J’Onn J’Onns/ Martian Manhunter: I think I understand the human mating patterns. The 4th season of 90 day fiancé is quite enlightening.
————————
Bring your kid to work day
Tim Drake/Robin: I’ve come to a hypothesis. I am in love with Superboy. But not Superman. Thus, I must be attracted to his Lex Luthor genes
(At same time)
Superman: hu
Batman: no
Kon Kent/Superboy: can we circle back to the love thing?
———————
———————
Another bring your kid to work day
Damian Wayne/ Robin: I have studied the patterns of Superman and Batman and have come to a conclusion that there is a sexual attraction between bat people and kryptonians. As you can see in this chart. Bruce and Clark, Jason and Kara, Tim and Kon, and…
Jon Kent/ Superboy: I will pay you to keep speaking
Bruce: I deny those allegations
Damian: denied. Too much substantiative proof
Hal: I thought this meeting was on safety
Barry: agreed. But now I’m invested and want to see how it turns out.
Hal: same
————————
Jason Todd/Red Hood/Former Robin: as you can see in this chart, villains use swear words at a much higher percentage than heroes. In conclusion, I must be a villain.
Bruce: and that’s the last presentation for bring your kid to work day. Thank you
—————————
Unnamed justice league personnel: *bored tone* this is a sexual harassment seminar to educate you on types and prevention. Sexual harassment stops with your help.
Clark: this feels pretty targeted
J’Onn: I agree. I don’t even desire humans.
Bruce: you both can look through peoples clothes and I don’t like it
Clark: it was an x Ray of your ribs!
Masterlist of Robin Musings
Brought to you by the twisted mind of @kindaangelic
The posts are linked to each character’s name! Happy perusing! Also be sure to send me any ideas that I may have missed, and I will continue to update this list!
Batfamily and Friends
Bruce Wayne
Cassandra Cain
Alfred Pennyworth
Barbara Gordon
Duke Thomas
Bette Kane
Batwoman
Catwoman
The Superman Fam
Superman
Lois Lane
Ma and Pa Kent
Kon El Kent
Outlaws and Titans
Bart Allen
Bizzaro
Artemis of Bana Mighdall
Roy Harper
Starfire
Wally West
Raven
Justice League Friends
Wonder Woman
Hal Jordan
Martian Manhunter
Flash - Barry Allen
Villains
Lex Luthor
Two Face
Clayface
Ras Al Ghul
Harley Quinn
Mr. Freeze
Killer Croc
Scarecrow
Deathstroke
Poison Ivy
Talia Al Ghul
The Riddler
BatFam Twitter #3 / Batchat #3
Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2
[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]
Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys.
Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with.
Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –
Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*
Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.
Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.
Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?
Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.
Red Hood: What?
Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!
Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench –
Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!
Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –
Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?
Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?
Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!
Red Hood: Why?
Black Mask: Hm?
Red Hood: Why?
Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra…
Red Hood: …
Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?
Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*
>>> *** <<<
[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]
Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!
Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–
Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!
Lock: Activating voice recognition –
Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!
Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–
Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*
Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…
Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub*
Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*
Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”
>>> *** <<<
[Crime Alley, 1903 H]
Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously?
Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*
Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.
Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*
Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*
Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*
Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.
Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*
Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?
Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!
Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?
Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –
Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.
Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!
Red Hood: …
Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes .
See: Part 1, Part 3
Roy Harper: *recording* so someone told me non-binary people don't exist but I found this in my closet
Jason Todd Currently in Roys Closet: I LIke bread
what happens if Batman is out driving the Batmobile and he gets pulled over & asked for his license
Tim Drake Headcanon Time!
Ok but listen
Tim Drake drunk
I literally can’t stop thinking about this. Like, how chaotic does this boy get. I just imagine him being just like his sleep deprived and ‘I’m 3,000% caffeine’ self but wobbly and the Batfam has to monitor him constantly because:
He keeps completely missing his mouth when eating. One of them tries to feed him, but he just says some whack shit like “no, no, it has to be an airplane”
He will become an inch worm on a mission if he stubbles onto the ground and wants to go somewhere
This boy will try to drink sauce because he ‘thought it was juice’
If you look away for a sec, he’s gone quicker than Batman
Slurred “I’m gonna ddos Lex, again”
Distant feverish shouting of “TIM NO!-” heard throughout the manor
One of them found him on a floaty in the pool before
Moonwalks into glass doors
He’s been spotted on the fucking roof
Cabinets? He’s probably in one
Very slurred quotations of memes
“GUYS HELP!! HE SNUCK INTO THE CAVE!”
Jason just deals with the fact Tim has delegated him for piggybacking. Dick still tries to pry Tim off of Jason because, it’s Jason, he’s drunk too