He Is Wearing The 'ok Bitch Call Batman I'll Have Sex With Him' Tee Because The Entirety Of Batman Inc.

♡More Ship incorrect Quotes for RDR♡

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♡John Marston x Javier Escuella♡

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John : I love you.

Javier , not paying attention: What was that?

John : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

--

John : My hands are cold.

Javier : Here, let me hold them.

John : My lips are cold too.

Javier : *covers John 's mouth with their hand*

--

Javier : Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.

John : Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

--

Javier : *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

John : You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Javier : I don't have time for their problems.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Arthur Morgan x Charles Smith♡

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Arthur: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

Charles , narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

--

Arthur : I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Charles: But, Arthur, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Arthur : O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Charles: Is it working?

--

Charles: You have to apologize to them Arthur .

Arthur : Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

--

Arthur : Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

Charles: Peonies, why?

Arthur :

Charles: Were you going to get me flowers?

Arthur :

Charles:

Arthur : ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Dutch Van Der Linde x Hosea Matthews♡

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Hosea: I can't imagine what Dutch is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

--

Dutch: You're right.

Hosea: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

--

Kidnapper: We have your child

Hosea: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Hosea: Oh god, you have Dutch.

--

Hosea: That's not funny.

Dutch : I thought it was funny.

Hosea: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Sean Maguire x Lenny Summers♡

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Lenny: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?

Sean: It’s not water.

Lenny: Vodka! I like your sty-

Sean: It’s vinegar.

Lenny: …What?

Sean: It's vinegar, PUSSY.

--

Lenny: Ew. What kind of tea is this?

Sean: I boiled gatorade.

--

Sean: I’m in love with you.

Lenny: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Sean: I know.

Lenny: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

--

Lenny: Are you ready to commit?

Sean: Like, a crime or a relationship?

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

♡Kieran Duffy x Bill Williamson♡

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Bill : The first time Keiran opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

--

Bill : Are you a masochist or a sadist?

Kieran , deadpan: I’m a Taurus.

--

Bill : I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Keiran :

Keiran : I like you.

--

Bill : *closes a cabinet*

*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*

Kieran : What was that?

Bill : The sound of someone else's problem.

[Justice League group chat]

Bruce: *gets added to the chat*

Hal: Daddy.

Barry: Daddy.

Clark: Daddy.

Arthur: Stop being loud, I'm napping.

Arthur: Oh, hi Daddy.

Bruce: *leaves the chat*

you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life

i wanna talk about this shot

Who is gonna tell him?

Could we get some That Unemployed Friend On A Tuesday Jason x Redneck Engineer Roy

[on the phone]

Dick: Hey, I'm about to go on lunch break. Do you and Roy wanna come?

Jason: Nah, we're already cooking.

Roy: *throws a match into a bucket of kerosene*

Dick: Is everything okay? I hear something on fire.

Jason, putting a baking tray on the flaming bucket: Yep, just making grilled cheese.

———————

Tim: *working in his office*

Jason and Roy: *hovers outside the window*

Tim: What the hell?

Jason: We turned our bikes into a helicopter.

Roy: We gotta keep pedaling so we don't fall.

———————

[at a restaurant]

Roy: Dude, this place is deserted.

Jason: I know. Normally it's packed.

Steph, the waitress: That's because it's 2 PM. And please stop making the Eiffel Tower with forks.

Roy, connecting forks: ...

———————

[at the high school]

Duke: Uh... what are you guys doing here?

Jason: We decided to enter the science fair.

Roy: Allow me to introduce the Duct Tape Blimp 2.0!

———————

[at the middle school]

Damian: My idiot brother and his friend are in the teacher's lounge.

Jon: Why?

Damian: To show off their junkyard coffee maker.

———————

Bruce: Jason, I thought I told you to shovel the driveway.

Jason: We are!

Bruce: We?

Roy, on an ATV with shovels attached: 'Sup B-man.

Jason's reaction to coming back from the dead after dying around 2015 and coming back in 2019 or even 2020 (Tim is about 20 and Jason is about 3 years older so Jason was born in 2000)

Jason: So what did I miss when I was... you know...

Damian: Unalive?

Jason: Come again?

Damian: We can't say the d-word anymore.

Jason: Okay... what else happened between 2016 and now?

Damian: David Bowie, Brexit vote, Pokémon, phones explode.

Barbara: Women marching, global warming, Russian hacking probe.

Harper: Venezuela, Stormy Daniels, Thanos dusting, Meghan Markle.

Duke: Hong Kong protests, Miles Morales, black hole photo.

Jason: Wait slow down—

Cullen: Parasite, quarantine, murder hornets, Cas and Dean.

Tim: Bitcoin, war in Ukraine, riot at the Capitol.

Cass: Algorithms, HRT, England lost their old queen.

Dick: Barbenheimer, free Palestine—hold on Jason, that’s not all!

Jason: *cocking his gun and leaving*

Everyone:

Steph: We didn’t start the fire.

The Batfam as getting called to the principal office?

[in the hallway]

Bruce: Explain. Now.

Duke: Well, it all started when I kinda-sorta-not-accidentally started a food fight by using a hamburger as a hackey sack.

Damian: And he roped me into it by insulting my honor.

Steph: He just called you short. Get over it, pipsqueak.

Bruce: Why are you here?

Steph: Duke called for backup after Damian made a napkin sword, so I brought it.

Cass: I'm backup.

Tim: And the car you stole to get here was mine.

Bruce: Okay, what about you, Dick?

Dick: The school got your voicemail so they called me, but then I needed to use the bathroom and flooded it. It was an accident!

Bruce: And Jason?

Jason: Missing assignments.

The principal: Mr. Wayne?

Bruce: That's me.

The principal: These are all your children?

Bruce: Apparently.

The principal: I see. Please step into my office.

[later that afternoon]

The principal: Welcome to detention. All of you will do as you're told and there will be no talking.n

The principal: Mr. Thomas, you must compose a three-page essay on why you should not play with your food.

The principal: Mr. Wayne junior, you must come up with ten appropriate responses to teasing that don't involve physical escalation.

The principal: Miss Brown, you must give a speech on why stealing cars is wrong.

The principal: Miss Cain, you must stand in the corner until I tell you to come out.

The principal: Mr. Drake, you must read and sign the contracts that you were hiding in your car to avoid.

The principal: Mr. Grayson, you must help the janitor scrub the bathrooms.

The principal: Mr. Todd, you must write a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird, build an electrical circuit, debate a current event, and complete pages one through thirty of your algebra workbook.

The principal: And Mr. Wayne senior, you must come up to the chalkboard and write a hundred lines saying you are a grown man and will not pretend to be Batman.

A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Make sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a death wish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

Selina will try to kidnap Damian or Tim. Let her, unless it's both at the same time.

If something smells like smoke, do not investigate on your own.

Do not let Duke drag you into a parkour contest. You will lose your dignity and maybe a finger.

If Tim falls asleep anywhere but the couch or his bed, wake him. We're trying to train his subconscious into taking care of him.

Bruce needs two hours of sunlight a day. The easiest way to trick him into it is getting Tim to play catch with him. It triggers his dad instincts.

Never agree to play hide and seek with Cass. You will never find her.

If Steph come to collect Damian for "an ice cream date," she knows something you don't. Her big sister intuition is flawless. Send him with a couple hundred in cash and a can of mace.

The rest of the family:

Steph | Tim | Babs | Cass | Bruce | Duke | Dick | Damian