Bruce Wayne/Batman : Jordan you’re going to have to stay late again. You misfiled your case from this week. If it’s not properly filed, it can’t properly be compensated by the government.
Hal: what? No it’s Friday!
Bruce: file it correctly next time. Also Monday we’re having a safety drill at 7 am sharp
Hal: for what?
Bruce: Uhh *checks clipboard* tornadoes *walks off*
Hal: why? We literally have a member who’s powers are tornadoes!
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Barry: I hate staff meetings. That’s why I always volunteer to clean the office kitchen to avoid them. But sometimes, I wonder if I need hazard pay. Some of this stuff is literally glowing and if I didn’t have super speed, J’Onn’s lunch would have actually exploded in my face. It might be radioactive. The fridge is haunted.
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Clark: and that’s why I can’t miss Haybale day in Smallville. It’s a Kent family tradition. It’s also when we propagate turnips.
Bruce: *sigh* how many holidays can smallville have?
Clark: 43. Not counting loamy soil week.
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Diana: I finally left Bruce take me on a date. He solved 3 murders.
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Bruce: I went on a mission with Diana. She’s very affectionate to teammates. I’ll add that to her file. But the mission was a success and we closed 3 cases in one evening.
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Kyle Rayner/ Green Lantern: I caught Aquaman eating salt straight from the shaker at 3 am. He then went for jog. Is that an Atlantean thing?
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Clark: Bruce talks about professionalism but yesterday he flipped me off under his cape so…
Clark: actually I just realized that was one of his kids.
Clark: under the cape….
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Oliver Queen/ Green Arrow: I’m in love with Dinah but how do I even ask her out?
Hal: just do it. Go out with me?
Oliver: *very loud across the office* DINAH, GO OUT WITH ME?
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Diana: I would never tell Bruce but he got the flu once and Nightwing took over for a whole week and honestly it was nice. We did mani-pedis after missions.
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J’Onn J’Onns/ Martian Manhunter: I think I understand the human mating patterns. The 4th season of 90 day fiancé is quite enlightening.
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Bring your kid to work day
Tim Drake/Robin: I’ve come to a hypothesis. I am in love with Superboy. But not Superman. Thus, I must be attracted to his Lex Luthor genes
(At same time)
Superman: hu
Batman: no
Kon Kent/Superboy: can we circle back to the love thing?
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Another bring your kid to work day
Damian Wayne/ Robin: I have studied the patterns of Superman and Batman and have come to a conclusion that there is a sexual attraction between bat people and kryptonians. As you can see in this chart. Bruce and Clark, Jason and Kara, Tim and Kon, and…
Jon Kent/ Superboy: I will pay you to keep speaking
Bruce: I deny those allegations
Damian: denied. Too much substantiative proof
Hal: I thought this meeting was on safety
Barry: agreed. But now I’m invested and want to see how it turns out.
Hal: same
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Jason Todd/Red Hood/Former Robin: as you can see in this chart, villains use swear words at a much higher percentage than heroes. In conclusion, I must be a villain.
Bruce: and that’s the last presentation for bring your kid to work day. Thank you
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Unnamed justice league personnel: *bored tone* this is a sexual harassment seminar to educate you on types and prevention. Sexual harassment stops with your help.
Clark: this feels pretty targeted
J’Onn: I agree. I don’t even desire humans.
Bruce: you both can look through peoples clothes and I don’t like it
Clark: it was an x Ray of your ribs!
john and jack if he hadn't run away for a whole year lmao (my art, i have a different username literally everywhere else)
For the art meme…. Jason Todd C5 👁️👁️
this barbie is a crime lord 💖
1am in my modern au:
john is waiting to be bailed out of jail, dutch has seen the calls but decided to go to sleep instead. abigail is fast asleep while jack is watching markiplier fnaf gameplays on his crusty shoplifted ipad (he was watching peppa pig and got there by spam pressing recommended videos), hosea is all toasty warm snoozing in his bed without a worry, bill heard someone bought pringles and is tearing apart the kitchen trying to find them (tilly and karen ate them), arthur was aiming to arrive home at eight but some poor womans car broke down so he drove her back then someone asked him if he could help them find their cat and then someone-
mary-beth is reading fanfiction with full brightness on, tilly has been playing call of duty on her ps4 for the past 10 hours and has been threatened with homelessness at least 50 times for screeching, karen has just come home from the club and will be complaining non-stop about her hangover the next morning.
sean and lenny are deep in a bender and absolutely will eventually wake up still high and drunk in a bush or naked together in a hotel (its always been one or the other, they have never made it home) javier is playing just dance by himself, micah is playing law-breaker speed run (literally) and everyone else had the brains to go to bed at a reasonable time.
Bat and Super dynamics are interesting and all but Bat and Wonder dynamics are fucking hilarious cause from what I've gathered, when you strip them to their bare essentials you've got;
Diana: You could just kill them and stop them from hurting those you love.
Bruce: I get the urge sometimes, but my moral code-
Diana, understands why he has the code but that doesn't mean she agrees with it: Pussy.
--
Donna: aim for the head!
Dick, knowing full well it'll kill the guy but his faith in Donna overrides his logic: okay!
Dick, after killing him: oh my God :( why did you tell me to do that :( he's dead now :(
Donna: it's okay. He was a horrible guy.
Dick: oh okay. I believe you.
--
Artemis: we're killing them.
Jason: I'm so in love with you that it like physically hurts sometimes.
--
Cassie: we should just kill these fucking people
Tim: hell yeah let's do it
Cassie: not gonna question it?
Tim: why would I?
--
I'm sure there's a case about morality and dynamics to be made here but this is just so funny to me
a collection
Dork dad 👶💀
Idea from here <3
We don’t appreciate the fact that Bruce Wayne is a Kardasian level celebrity enough. Everyone knows him. I want more one shots and crack fic moments where the League (Pre identity reveals) just openly talk about Bruce Wayne in front of Batman.
Just imagine them playing fuck, marry, kill with famous actors and such and throwing Bruce into the mix. And Batman just sits there, silently suffering as he listens to the reasons why Flash and Lantern would marry, fuck, or kill him. He prays they choose kill. They don’t.
What do you think about non-binary Bell (in 1981 no less) just confusing the absolute shit outta these middle aged American guys that have no idea what tf that means. (Park does, but she refuses to explain, she thinks it's funny)
Adler and Park quickly accepted it, Adler still not understanding but it's whatever. Bell can hold a gun, shoot it, and has a body count. They can do whatever they want as far as Adler is concerned.
Woods and Mason? They've been at the table with Bell for almost an hour questioning them. Sims chose to stay out of it and Lazar was only stroking the fire when it seemed Woods was going to walk away finally.
Woods was so close to flipping the table, it's probably what Lazar was wanting. Bell, bless them, was amused by this. They like Woods which is why he's still sitting there. Mason gave up already and was just sitting there, maybe hoping Woods will crack through.
"You a man?"
"No."
"So you're a woman."
"Also no."
"What's in your pants?"
"Rather forward, Mr. Woods, but I wouldn't expect any less from you."
Woods sputtered and Mason put his head down on the table, shaking a bit. Lazar was all but laughing like a hyena, Sims was just hunched over his desk shaking without a sound escaping him. Bell was having a good time.
"Mr. or Miss!?"
"I don't mind either."
Woods stood and stepped away from the table, Lazar stumbling away from him as it seemed he wanted to set his frustration on the loudest person in the room. Bell was smug, looking at Adler who was trying to not poke the fired up Woods with a laugh.
BatFam Twitter #3 / Batchat #3
I was bored so I decided to comedically describe what some of DC superheroes powers are, but horribly summarized.
Superman: Big dick energy
Batman: White privilege
Wonder Woman: Bondage and femdom/ the baddest bitch alive
The Flash: "🎶He's a runner, he's track star--*
Green Arrow: Also white privilege, but from wish
Black Canary: "Damn, that white girl can scream"
Huntress:"Hahaha! You messed with the wrong white girl!"