Subway Has No Right To Smell That Good

Thinking about the time I got attacked by crabs at the beach.

Please, just one more year. Give me one more year

You never realize how much 6 pounds of something really is until you have to pick up 6 pounds of banana bread from the post office

One gone, one dead, one cruel. Where does that leave me?

Few things match the horror of when you google something and the first thing that comes up is "Scholarly articles for..."

Like babe I'm just trying to study for my organic exam, you gotta give me the baby version

Katy Perry went to space, and we can't make QUIET leaf blowers? This is outrageous

It's because you're always doing those damn ann bibs

My very first playlist I ever made was on my iPhone 5 and it was called “On TØP”

Me and my wife: discussing the artists that fundamentally changed us in middle school

Me: idk man, "soap" had a chokehold on me, and don't even get me started on "teen idle"

My wife: holy shit "teen idle." Have you even heard "girls"? Holy shit, I was transported.

My boyfriend, standing there so confused: ...................huh

I’ve found myself on many planes recently, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that some of y’all really need to clean out your pools. Them things lookin’ greener than a tree frog on Saint Patrick’s Day, goddog! 

Hear me when I say, there will be peace in my valley.