Frodo, Meeting Aragorn In Bree: How Do I Know You're Not A Serial Killer Or Something? Aragorn: Frdo:

a corpse is nevertheless a corpse, Thorin. Take care of your skin.

Bilbo: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Thorin: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

Okay guys i swear this is the last one (it probably won’t be)

The elves being carnivores makes the dinner scene in the hobbit so much funnier actually

“Lindir what the fuck do dwarves eat?!”

“I’m not entirely sure my lord, I-“

“Do they eat meat?! Should we serve them meat?! We still have some human flesh over from that hunting party last week!”

“Well, I’m not sure my lord. Their teeth are fairly round”

“Fuck you’re right, they probably don’t eat meat. What about that other stuff? The green things that grow from the ground that’s edible?”

“I believe it’s called Wedge Table”

“Right. Do we have any of that?!”

“No”

“Fuck it, just throw some leaves on a plate, it’s probably the same thing”

See, we got this... inclination

The Galactic Coalition is no stranger to war. Every sapient race has a history filled with external conflict, and most with some internal strife as well. Even now, the Coalition is in a stalemate with the United Federation on the North-Western arm of the Galaxy, a recently cooled hot war over what the Federation call foreign meddling in internal affairs, while the Coalition claim is an abusive contractual effective enslavement of a pre-stellar civilization, which goes against the Coalition's Ethics Directorate For All Sapient Encounters.

The Humans, who managed to learn of this on their own, sparking a hushed debate about their espionage capabilities, wanted to send their own delegation to the established Neutral Zone to speak with the Federation. As a party to the Coalition governing body, they have free reign to make contact with anyone on their own terms, with the understanding such individual activity will not represent the Coalition itself.

It did not take long for the Humans to reach back to us with an inquiry:

"So like, this might just be us, but these fellas are giving us some nasty fascist vibes, ya feel me? Maybe we're wrong (though we do got a lot of experience with that), but have a look at this data we've gathered so far."

What we saw were shockingly detailed and up-close images of clearly Federation design medical and emergency disaster relief encampments. A baffling number in fact, but technically nothing that would indicate wrongful action or intent. But there were a lot of them all across the planet.

"Yeah, we only got data from right now, so do you got info on this planet and it's folk from earlier? My gut, and all these shuttles full of some kinda cargo we can't scan hyperin' away, is telling me that it's not gonna match well."

The Human, or his... gut?... (we'll have to ask them to elaborate, we thought they only had one mind?) is correct, startlingly so. We informed the Human the atmosphere was far thinner than it was merely 40 years ago, containing a third less Nitrogen and almost no trace gasses at all, save for CO2, which was at nominal levels, but the planet used to have an abundance of Helium, now almost entirely gone. If further investigation corroborates this, and perhaps other inconsistencies, this will be cause for a full open investigation and possible sanctions!

"So... can we fight them?"

The Human's question startled us from our anger, now replaced with confusion and worry. Humanity boasted the most powerful fleet in Coalition space, there was no question about it, but they are still only a singular planet with some specialist stations dotted around local space, while the Federation was composed of dozens of races across thousands of planets in a very efficient hierarchical structure, plus the true strength of their military was unknown.

This is a delicate matter and we need them to not act rashly. We have learned, however, that outright denying Humans anything leads them to desire it more, so we must adopt a new approach to each situation we wish the Humans to... not take the initiative on.

Offering the delegation leader command of our own covert investigation units, and requesting he withdraw his ships to act as emergency response and intervention forces in the area seemed to please him. He had an important task to do, and his crew busied themselves preparing for a variety of possibilities, thus making the Humans feel both needed and engaged in productive activity, preventing them from escalating the situation. For now.

We really hope this "gut" will not cause rash action.

Smaug when Bilbo and Thorin enter Erebor

Bilbo: I guess the real treasure was our time spent together :) Thorin: Bilbo Thorin: We're always together Thorin: Treasure is the real treasure

you guys HAVE to watch 1670

Tactic to earn a degree? Unfortunately only possible.

Tactic to stay alive during those period?Toxic af, but still useful and that should be considered insane.

The alien should be alarming others to lower our sick standards of memorizing unbelievable amount of information that will no longer be valid in the next five years.

What would be alien's reactions to battery acid. Y'know that thing with red bull marinated sour strips, energy drink plus coffee and a minimum of five beers. Read more at your own risk.

Alien: Human, I can't find the-

Human: *currently stoned*

Alien: ... What. Are you doing?

Human: seeing God.

Alien: how many?

Human: *raises one finger.*

Alien: ... Human. If my memory serves correct. It takes twenty.

Human: try a strip.

Alien: ... *processing, before taking a sour strip.*

Human: *still stoned*

Alien: *starts coughing.* WHAT IS IN THIS?

Human: that's battery acid. Marinated in red bull, put red bull into coffee. Uhm, ooh, had a gummy. And about. Hic. Five beers?

Alien: ... How did you make the marinade?

Human: fourth book, red leather.

Alien: ... it's called uni recipes.

Human: yep.

Alien: stoner pizza?

Human: fries on pizza.

Alien: ... reduce five cans of red bull, leave to cool before marinating for a minimum of three hours. Five days at maximum, because the caffeine will break down the glucose bonds?

Human: yep. Chem students are smart!

Alien: ... That's your battery acid?

Human: I'm on car acid.

Alien: ... Two cans of reduced Red Bull, 125ml per can. Reduced to 25ml put into your choice of coffee, reduce the coffee to 10ml.... Take one edible, one battery acid and the coffee concoction. Then down five beers reduced to... Half a bottle of beer. Or around one shot of tequila.

Human: *proud of themselves.*

Alien: ... I'd be horrified if I wasn't impressed.

Human: yeah, that's how I got my degree in uhh, neurology, bio chemistry and a few more Celciuses.

Alien: ... You made a recipe book and got an associates?

Human: I actually have. 27? bachelors, just from that shelf.

Alien: ... How are you-

Human: remember when I mentioned I'd figured out a way to be high and speak somewhat normally?

Alien: ... *glances at the bookshelf*

Human: give it a minute.

Alien: these are all acedemic papers. Aren't they?

Human: 1387 recipes. Times that by the number of java files on the USB that's labelled the same as the eight number of pie.

Alien: ...

Human: there's 40567 academic papers, not including the top and bottom shelves which are dictionaries, explanations and half of them have paper which explode upon contact with oxygen.

Alien: ... Most of this case is behind glass.

Human: mhm.

Alien: How did you even do this?

Human: mixture of car acid, ADHD, tunnel vision and crunching for two months.

Alien: crunching like.

Human: forgot to sleep for two months.

Alien: ...

Human: I went to hospital for about a year because of that.

Alien: I have so many questions, but I get the feeling this ain't common?

Human: my level of insane, no. Cramming for a stupid period and doing something wonderful somehow. Yes.

Alien: you're less high now huh?

Human: *making a hangover cure.* Mhmm, woke up around the time you noticed the glass.

Alien: how are you alive?

Human: good question. I don't know.

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

I was thinking about Goose from Captain Marvel/MCU and also about those various "humans are weird" posts, and something occurred to me.

So *every other* sentient race in the Marvel universe can identify a Flerkin as a terrifying Eldritch monster. Humans? Humans have one as a pet. They are utterly oblivious. And even *after* finding out it's an alien monster, Nick Fury has it hanging out in his office and/or house.

What if our obliviousness or, more specifically, our ability to be bored, that is the human superpower?

Humans can be bored by being launched into the air in a fragile tin can powered by extremely volatile fuel. We can be bored by Space in all its infinite terror and majesty.

You can just imagine the "Eldritch Monster Cleanup Crew":

Terror Beast From Beyond the Stars: COWER BEFORE MY POWER, MORTALS! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR WORLDS AND FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!

Bob the Human: Sure thing, mate. Can you just hold still for a second?

TBfBtS: ...YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLEEING FROM MY HORRIFYING VISAGE AND ABOMINABLE PRESENCE

Bob: You aren't that impressive. Bit ugly, yeah, but I've seen worse in downtown nightclubs.

TBfBtS: WHAT.

Bob: Just want to get on with the job, mate. My other half has a pot roast in the oven. Hold still another second so the arcane prison can get a proper hold.

TBFBTS: Noooo!!!

Bob: *dusts off hands, picks up arcane prison* Time for a cuppa.