You Guys HAVE To Watch 1670

Continuing my quest of headcanoning the lotr races to be as inhuman as possible, hobbits are immune to so much shit.

They're covered in fur that keep them warm in any climate (Up on the mountain pass every other member of the fellowship would have frozen to death three times over before any of the hobbits started to feel something), but their fur also know how to air out properly, so they aren't affected by hot climates either (The heat of mount doom was a cake walk for Sam and Frodo. Everything else, not so much), and they have surprisingly thick skin that protects them against a lot of injuries, especially around their feet meaning they never get worn out. The same goes with food and drinks, it takes a lot to get a hobbit intoxicated (The alcohol concentration in their ale is insane), and no poison affects them. Like, when Shelob stabbed Frodo, man's was fucking fine. The stab was the problem, not her venom. In fact, headcanon time, Shelob's venom is an insta kill, but since Hobbits are practically immune and Orcs are resilient as heck, the most it causes is like a temporary paralysis. Poor Shelob is very confused as to why her stings ain't killing these people but just kinda knocking them out for a few hours.

In conclusion, Hobbits are the perfect specimen, made to survive in any climate and in any situation, and they could have easily taken over Middle Earth if they wanted to. They don't want to tho, so we're good

To sorta piggyback off my last headcanon with hobbits being just genetically superior to all other races, dwarves are the fucking opposites

They’re made to live underground, in dark damp places. They know how to do that. So they have really good nightvision, and they thrive in moisturizing climates. They have rough skins to take hits from falling rocks and debris, and they can survive long without much food.

But you put those bastards above ground and they will die immediately.

They can barely see when it’s bright (The reason they have their long hair and busy beards is because it helps block out the sun), they need to constantly hydrate or else they’ll dry out which is very fatal to them, their bodies are not made for combat in the slightest (There’s a reason they wear bulky as hell armor, one stabbely stab and they’re dead, rip Durin’s but you were fucked from the start), and there’s a lot of things that they just straight up can’t eat, like caffeine, nuts, sugar, and sometimes even simply dairy products (Bombur is an anomaly here, being able to consume almost anything without any side effects).

So like, Hobbits are small rodent like creatures with long ears and tails, but you can throw that fucker in a volcano and they will live, while Dwarves are bulky as fuck with literal rocks coming out of them, but one slice of cheese could be the end of them

no need to worry, everyone had been at some point of their lifes

I’m really obsessed with Legolas Greenleaf rn

BUT imagine some Mexican cartels focused on capturing wildlife on planets around, let's say, Alpha Centauri.

JUST imagine the discussion about such a mission.

------------------------

Boss: Hey, you know, these creatures are kind of popular, what do you think about smuggling them? One would go for like half a million.

Advisor (or sb who is at least mildly respected in the organization's structures): Sounds like a good business. Where are they based?

Boss: You know Alpha Centauri?

Advisor: Like the star, Alpha Centauri?

Boss: Exactly that one. So, somewhere around that.

Advisor: what

Advisor: ...Are they willing to pay for the shipping cost?

Humans really like space wildlife

As Humanity integrates itself within the Galactic Coalition ever further, trade and travel between Sol and neighboring member systems is growing at exponential rates. In particular, their interest in the native wildlife of other planets is the most widely expanding sector for tourism and commerce.

Even though it is also the most heavily regulated and restricted one, Humans, who typically display a desire to subvert the normal procedures to expedite any process they can, for this they are surprisingly willing and eager to fill in all the necessary paperwork and spend hours upon days making sure they follow and adhere to all the requirements to import some of these creatures.

While such level of determination is not uncommon for new member species who discover a certain non-native creature or something that to the respective natives is commonplace but for them is the pinnacle of exotic, the variety of requests made by Humans is nearly as great as the entire list of known fauna species. And the reasons listed on the forms are even more diverse:

"That's a unicorn! I've always dreamed of having a unicorn and you're telling me there's a dozen subspecies?! Yes, please!!!"

"After reviewing their behavior, this bear-sized fluff-ball is the perfect cat I've always wanted, but couldn't because of allergies. I'll treat them with love and care, my life is incomplete without this fella."

"Tiny. Elephant-duck. Want."

"Our company was looking for a mascot, and these six-legged spindly beaver-crabs are perfect. Here's our mission statement and prepared accommodations for a flock."

"They all said I hallucinated the lizard sasquatch when I was on that acid trip, but now I'll show 'em. It's real. I knew it all along!"

"Aww, these baby puppies are so adorable (referring to the four meter, 800kg Fanged Widowmaker of Abyss Valley predator). My kids were looking through your alien picture books and instantly fell in love with these ones."

And so on. At first we had to reject quite a few, mainly because half of them were deadly beasts from Deathworlds that are almost impossible to capture in the first place. Then the Human officials informed us that, while they will try to stop it from happening, if we don't make importing and adopting even the most dangerous animals in the known Galaxy reasonably possible for them with Human help and expertise in the field, some Humans will set up illegal smuggling rings to "fill the market gap" as they said. Historically, they explained, that causes more problems and expenses than just handling it through official channels.

Reluctantly we were persuaded and have set up a new organization to quell this, apparently, unquenchable Human pack bonding condition. Even if said pet can kill them. We think, as horrible as it may be, that for some that is part of the appeal. Even the ones that breathe out literal poison.

"We'll wear a mask around them. This wendigo-like one is too cute to not get belly rubs."

Said the OFFICIAL Human Representative of a monstrosity that can only be described as the living incarnation of countless teeth, fangs, claws, vivid seizure inducing iridescent feathers, and a body that extends from a inconspicuous ambush pose to a fully 8 meter tall six limbed nightmare machine of Death!

Lovely ❤️ Let's send positive vibes to Thorin!

Bilbo: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?

Thorin: Yes?

Bilbo: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.

Thorin: Fuck.

Bilbo: It's gonna be a fun week!

Thorin: I'm going to Gloin's house.

Bilbo: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.

Should've won the Oscar for best original song (or sth, I don't the exact names of the categories) once The Hobbit was released as a movie.

This one is for my one and only true love

Bilbo Baggins

Bilbo, you're so cool

And with my stone, we're gonna rule

Bilbo, understand

I'm gonna love you 'til the very end

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Trolls, humans, and an Elven King too

A thousand troops of orcs couldn't keep me from you

Bilbo Baggins, at the end of the line

I'll make you mine, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Bilbo, Bilbo

— Thorin in his head, probably

(Thread on the ex-🐦 here)

I like to think the humans ambassador hides black powder weapons around their office instead of Lazer guns or plasma, just walks about with 2 hidden flintlock pistols

You sir or madam or otherwise have given me the biggest grin with that idea, thank you.

(me from after having written it out) I did not know where this idea would take me, stream of consciousness writing will do that.

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Every delegate of every integrated species aboard a Coalition governing station in their respective segment of the Galaxy receives full accommodations in the form of an isolated embassy structure.

One day, as per a Human custom, the main delegate - Ambassador Glenn York, invited several other delegates on a tour of his embassy. With some hesitation from a few due to their prey-like ancestry and associated cultural background, but ultimately won over by the Human's eager friendliness, they embarked on this little cultural exchange.

It was a little difficult to move about, as each embassy is adapted to suit the environmental preferences of the respective species, and Humans live on a high gravity and dense atmosphere world, so much so in fact, some of the less physically suitable delegates had to put on an exoskeleton, while many others required a breathing apparatus to thin out the poisonous air.

Once we were underway, Glenn showed us that the Humans were diligent in their work - acquiring information from and learning about all the various species within the Coalition, establishing communication lines with the respective counterparts in the disparately varied local government structures, and most importantly continually updating the translation modules.

In addition, we admired their art they had installed along the barren walls. Most, Glenn explained, was done by the delegates and their staff themselves during free time, and it ranged from tiny contraptions painstakingly assembled within a minuscule glass container (we did not realize they could hone their dexterity to such a precise degree!) to large murals covering an entire wall with the most vivid color and shape combinations one could imagine; from the very clear and obvious to impossibly abstract! Though the music they had to turn down - the vibrations of the thick atmosphere were beginning to overload the dampening systems and one of the delegates almost passed out.

Near the end of the tour, Glenn invited us into his office to show off what his "hobby" is:

"The boys and gals I work with are all talented people, but none of them appreciate the kind of craftsmanship I prefer. It's kind of a ancient art form, you see, high maintenance too, very delicate."

He pulls out a pair of ancient looking projectile weapons, at least judging by the shape, but none of us can quite grasp, aside from the trigger, how it operates. We are all silent as he pours some sort of fine grain from a small bag into the upturned tube then drops a small metal ball and proceeds to jam it further in with a cloth and stick.

"I handcrafted these myself. Sure, I could get a printer to do it and it'd be perfect, but perfection just ain't right when it comes to work of the soul, amirite? I find it therapeutic, to mold the shape, heat the iron, cast the shape, smooth the edges, straighten the barrel, carve the grip, roll the bullets, grind the powder... just..."

He lets out a long sigh of relief? satisfaction? euphoria? as he gazes with great affection at the pair of devices in his hands. We feel the urge to end the tour. Like. Right now. But Glenn insists on a demonstration. We hesitantly follow him to a largely empty room below where he sets up a couple of small wooden block on a pedestal. As he points one of the devices and is about to pull the trigger, he stops, looks back at us and says:

"Almost forgot, you'll want to take a few more steps back and turn your dampeners to max."

Heeding his advice, we do so, and after he appears satisfied with our... safety?... he returns his gaze to the wooden block and pulls the trigger.

[cacophony]

We awaken after a short while, the sturdier of our fellow delegates say the rest of us were out for just a few moments, but the ringing reverberation of the shockwave through the Human atmosphere still resonates throughout our bodies. Glenn, worry in his eyes, is apologizing profusely:

"Oh I am so sorry, I didn't think you'd still react so poorly. Is anyone hurt? I even put in less gunpowder than normal, but I guess that's still too potent. I--I'll file an official apology and compensate for any damages I may have caused to any of you. I will take full responsibility for this incident. Please do not think poorly of us as a whole due to the willfulness of one individual, it was never my intention to inflict any injury on anyone."

---Later---

After a thorough medical examination, it was determined that only a few delegates suffered a minor case of shock, which was alleviated rapidly at their respective medical stations. Ambassador Glenn York was reprimanded and sent back to Earth, a replacement will arrive shortly. The one permanent remnant of the incident is the wooden block that was struck by Glenn's pistol - now put on a small display in one of the inner rooms of the Human embassy. The bullet still embedded half-way and the splinters it shot out arranged in a chaotic manner, befitting an explosion, down in front.

lotr/the hobbit incorrect quotes

part 4, ft. gondor brothers, merry and pippin and some elves

Boromir: father didn’t raise a quitter!

Faramir: he also didn’t raise a winner

Faramir: honestly i don’t think he really raised anyone

— — — —

Legolas: sorry i’m late, i was doing stuff…

Gimli: HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS!

— — — —

Faramir: the sign says ‘do not touch’, Boromir…

Boromir, taking off the sign: well not anymore

also

Pippin: the sign says ‘do not touch’, Merry…

Merry, taking off the sign: well not anymore!!!!

— — — —

Thranduil: thanks for agreeing to see me

Elrond: i didn’t, you just walked in and started talking…

Thranduil: yeah yeah i don’t have time for history lesson

loving lord of the rings is the secksiest personality trait there is btw

Frodo, meeting Aragorn in Bree: How do I know you're not a serial killer or something? Aragorn: Frdo: Aragorn: Frodo: Aragorn: You just trust me!😁 Frodo: That was a long pause!