The Chili Plant Made A Deal With Their God To Only Be Consumed By Things That Could Spread Its Seeds

The chili plant made a deal with their God to only be consumed by things that could spread its seeds and fly. The chili received capsaicin, making itself painful to eat for mammals, but not birds, and all was well for the chili.

Then the human shows up, tastes it, and likes the pain. So now there's this flightless fucking mammal eating the chili. Like not even a fruit bat or anything, a flightless fucking mammal chomping on the chili.

What the fucking shit, God, cried the chili, I specifically requested the opposite of this.

Now hold on, wait a moment, replied the God who talks to plants but has no idea what the fuck these apes are going to do next. It might be something cool.

And in a flash of a second, in barely fraction of the time that chili took to develop capsaicin, the humans went from walking across land bridges and rowing little boats across small waters, into building ships that could cross oceans. More humans tasted the chili, and liked the pain. They took the seeds with them, and planted it elsewhere.

See? They spread the seeds.

They're still not flying, said the chili, still feeling insulted and betrayed.

But before the conversation was over, the humans were still not done fucking around and nowhere close to finding out. The ships became machines, and another machine was invented, capable of flight. Now, not only were the humans farming chili on continents far too far away for any of the birds that originally ate it could dream of flying, but the chili flew with them to lands where it could possibly not grow, so that humans over there could also eat it and enjoy the pain.

You see? They spread your seeds and fly.

It doesn't count as keeping a promise if you only manage it by a fucking accident, said the chili, still somewhat insulted. But nonetheless, the chili thrived.

More Posts from Bsdndprplplld and Others

bsdndprplplld

2 years ago

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

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bsdndprplplld

1 year ago

people using a matrix as just a bunch of numbers in a grid or a way to summarize some elaborate calculation instead of a way of notating a linear transformation (or at least a set of points) feels kind of genuinely profane to me. like its one of the only times i feel like i "get" the concept of the profane. how could you do that to her

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bsdndprplplld

3 years ago

the alphabet is like, there's the "a" region (abc...), for just, things, there's the "f" region (fgh..), for functions, there's the "i" region (ijk...), for indices, there's the "n" region (nm...), for integers, and the "p" region (pq...), for integers that are prime, there's the "t" region (tsr...), for time and progression and other axes that aren't the usual ones, and then there's the "u" region (uv...), for like, i guess open sets and differentiable functions and the such i guess, and then finally there's the "x" region (xyzw...) for just, variables that are more variable-y

there's also o and l but you shouldn't use those

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bsdndprplplld

2 years ago