OKAY, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. A Question About One Of My OCs. They Should Be Trans, Cuz I Want So,

you seem cool :3 doing ok ?

Thanks!:33 To be honest I'm something in between relapsing and feeling apathetic, haha... I guess I'll just wait a bit until I feel better instead of cutting

To be honest, after years of searching, trying to find my diagnosis, I just... Stopped caring about this. I even started to like this thing, I know, it harms me, but do I want to treat it? No. It's a part of me, that I like.

And still, I'm curious how an appointment which I used to go to every week a few months ago, turned into something I'm afraid of. Making me have flashbacks over and over when I just hear the word "neurologist. Made me have a whole panic attack just because I need to go to a doctor. No, please, I don't want to be treated anymore... Can't you just avoid me? Don't remember about my disease? Make me live a normal life?

Having a serious disease is just like:

"Oh, that's just an illness and I don't need to feel guilty because of it, because I can't control it"

And then:

"FUCK, HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF, I CAN'T DO BASIC THINGS, I'M ALWAYS ISOLATED, MY DISEASE JUST BECAME A MEME, WHY DO I HAVE IT??? JUST WHY?? IS THAT I DESERVE??? WHY I SHOULD I LOVE MYSELF WHILE EVERY FUCKING SECOND I'M WASTING AWAY??!"

Sometimes, I think that it'd be better, if I'd be a man. I could look like I want, I wouldn't have boobs, and periods, and people would see in me personality, not just boobs and vagina. I hate fact of being girl. I hate fact of that people will refer to me as she/her even when I told them to refer me as they/them/it/its.

Maybe, my weight is a dream for someone, but I think that I'm fat. I weigh only 46, but I still think that I'm fat. I want to lose 6 kg, and I don't really care that these workouts are exhausting. I wanna be skinny, and I'll do it, and I don't care if it's unhealthy. I want to eat only 500 calories a day, or at least 800, because 1000 is too much. I wanna do 5 workouts today and I already did two. I want to be skinny – I will be skinny.

I was about to jump off the window right now, but remembered that I'm living on the 3rd floor, so even if I jump, I'll survive. But this window is almost telling me to commit su!c!de!!

I don't understand why some people think that I need partner, fiancé and etc. Why just they don't get the fact that I don't need relationship, if I ever will wanna live with someone, I'd choose live with friends, but I guess that it's better to live alone in your own house.

Also the same story with pronouns, why when I use she/her everything's okay, but when I start to use they/them I just "trying to seek attention", or when people mispronounce you, and it's was done on purpose. Do they really think that my personality will change because of pronouns?

How much did my art improve?

(The one in the green was drawn in February, the scientist was drawn a week ago)

(btw, me and @feburra are the same person! It's just for my art, while this one is for my thoughts)

I don't understand how people can compare humanitarian sciences and Natural Sciences, it's DIFFERENT things, DIFFERENT!