Mentally Ill - Blog Posts
Tumblr is the place where all the mentally ill gay kids live together. You can’t escape the fan girls or the shitposts. You live here now, you are one of us
TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing
I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel
I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either
Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there
I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this
At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread
I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back
Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again
But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected
What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option
Probably says a lot about me
It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them
So many beautiful thoughts faded away
I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares
Back on topic
Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again
This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well
Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi
It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions
Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still
It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it
Sorry that’s a big paragraph
Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them
Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then
Anyway
I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about
But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away
I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah
Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye
TW: bugs, and tactical hallucinations
I feel like there are bugs crawling on my eyes right now. It stopped for a second don’t know when it will start again. Luckily it’s not an actual bug I thought it might be, but I checked
Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?
I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything. Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.
;; they were
she was sad
he was not
she was a liar
he was not
she was alone
he was not
she was ready to die
he was not
she was completely unhappy
he was not
but at least she was alive
and he was not
she was sick
he was too.
idk if i should be worried about this but i can't seem to relax properly as in there is a dull pain in my chest, right above my heart - might even be my heart tbh but it's not like a searing pain. it's like if someone is gently pushing my chest.
my heart also feels like it's beating very fast but when I press my hand against my chest it feels normal. at least that's what I'm getting
ive never had anything like this
this has been going on for a while ever since I started to eat lunch. I came back from exams which is offline here. I felt nothing on the way. now I've washed the dishes (it felt weird even tho I used to do it all the time) and am on my bed now, going to fall asleep and hopefully wake up more refreshed. I admit school has been stressful cuz of the practical exams I had and now I have exams till second week of march.
idk if it's cuz of the stress I've accumulated but I just wanted to write it down. for evidence ig
Going from suicidal to having a god complex in the space of 10 minutes is
✨𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓴𝓸𝓾𝓻✨
Paranoia
Paranoia makes me see my loved ones and close friends hating my guts and only saying things to keep me happy. This isn’t the truth but it sure can feel like it sometimes.