Fibro - Blog Posts
Sick of rainy days, dripping down my face everything is grey (cause I've been not okay)
Demon Of Pain - Day... ?
I had an odd experience yesterday.
I helped my sister move into her new apartment. 2-3 hours hours in and my body started flaring up (well, I had already needed to submerge my hands in very hot water to get them to hurt less and be less stiff twice. But this time it was my back and the rest of my body.)
So I biked home, parked my (public) bike. I had to walk 2-3 blocks. The entire way there I was hit urges to claw at the pain in my back by my shoulder blades, and couldnt stop doing it. Or to press my hands on the muscles, hard. When trying not to claw at it, I'd stim very obviously with my hand(s). This might sound rude, but I felt like ppl looked at me and saw an addict on a bad trip.
I was breathing weird, through clenched teeth in a permanent open-mouthed grimace. Sounded a bit almost darth vader-y. I'd bare my teeth, but there was nothing to bare my teeth at. I'd snarl at nothing. Start to hiss and then try to stop cause I was still in public. Kept having the words "fuck off" repeat over and over in my head. I dont even know how to describe what I was feeling emotionally. It felt. Barely lucid? But at the same time very aware. Like my brain was getting blinded by the light of my pain.
As I kept walking I kept doing these more. Not cause I wanted to. I just couldn't stop.
I got home and prepared a hot shower—by the time I was in the bathroom I had started repeatedly hissing "fuck off" repeatedly out loud.
Eventually it all stopped in the shower.
I know it was all just cause I was overwhelmed with the pain, but it honestly felt like I was having a fucking fit. It was horrible.
Ended up doodling it a bit in my journal and remembered a really old piece of art similar to what I drew.
Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?
I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything. Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.
I’m so achy and tired. I didn’t realize until recently just how much pain I am in on a daily basis. Especially lately, I have had this horrible pain flare up in my entire body. It leaves me so exhausted. I go to my Primary on Monday. I’ll be talking to her about everything, especially some suspicions for other things. Eh. I’m so tired.
I feel like this about the doctors responsible for caring for each party too. Managing your own care is exhausting af.
my body is a group project and no one is doing their part correctly