Bpd Thoughts - Blog Posts
current mood is wanting to fucking cry, scream, and rip my skin apart and hair out but actually I'm just sitting doom scrolling or watching youtube letting these feelings sit because you just don't have the will to do any of those things.
wonder how he'd feel if he knew and saw the extent of my cutting and scars.
he should leave me. i don't want to be cared about. (he doesn't care about me anyways, made that clear)
want to commit but I got a thing going on tomorrow, so suicide debate is postponed. (I'm upset for no reason and hating on everyone)
my thoughts when someone says "I love you" is just
ha ha. no, you don't. you just love the idea and perception of me that I have given you. you don't love me.
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED AND CONFUSING
honestly just getting more and more afraid to ever get into another/new relationship because of this. I'm afraid, I'll be constantly afraid that they'll just suddenly leave one day too. I'll get overly too attached and clingy. on top of my already constantly splitting on people. I'm just fucking afraid now because of him.
I'm taking this as a ghosting/breakup. 4 years to nothing I guess.
all I keep thinking is
fuck you
and
i hate you
shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up
i hate you, I hate you all
i can't get you to understand a single bit. so why bother trying, why dont I just leave again, and not temporarily this time.