Can Somebody Please Explain To Jeremy That Secondhand Smoke From Pot Gets You High Just Like Secondary

Jeremy is very bad at not being a stuttering mess while on a date. Even with me prompting him and the fact that he and Christine have gone on 7 dates.

Things that Michael and Jeremy have said that make me want to slap both of them

An incomplete list:

“It’s 420 somewhere”

“I’m not a useless furry. I’m just a furry that happens to be useless.”

“You have neither the authority nor the electricity to stop me from masturbating.”

“Buckaroo Bonzai would kick Han Solo’s ass but Tim Curry would ultimately win.” “Before getting killed by Chuck Norris.” “Dude, don’t date this conversation more than it already is.”

I am meant to be encouraging and to promote self-confidence but I am also subjected to the internal monologue of a high school boy do you see my problem.

Okay. Gardening 101; or “Auntie Sys I have a yard that’s currently a yard and don’t know SHIT or FUCK about how to make it not be a boring-ass yard.”

Step 1; go to your local landfill and get all of the newspaper you can. Cardboard will also work. If your neighborhood puts them out for recycling, go around and grab them all like a little newspaper goblin.

Step 2; acquire mulch. If you WANT, you can go pay for it at a garden store, but we’re all cheap lazy bitches here so screw that. Most landfills will collect yard waste and branches and chip them into woodchips, which you can get for PENNIES or FREE. Go load up on that good shit.

I like straw too, which I can get for barter because I am related to half the people around here and a solid 65% of my extended family are farmers. I give Uncle Daryl three quarts of elderberry jelly or a couple pounds of morels in spring and he loads me up with straw bales.

Step 3; figure what parts of grass you want to be not-grass, and cover that shit in newspaper, good and thick. 5-10 layers. It helps to wet the newspaper to keep it from blowing away as you work.

Now, cover that newspaper with a good thick layer of mulch.

Congrats, you’re removing the grass. It’ll starve to death under the mulch and newspaper and rot into compost. You now have garden beds and have not dug one single bit of sod.

If you can’t wait for six months to plant, pull the mulch aside, cut a hole in the newspaper, and dig out a plug of sod the size of the planting hole. Throw some compost in there and plant. Tuck mulch back around plant. Water well.

There ya go. Garden beds. In a year, when you pull back the mulch the newspaper will be almost rotted away, and the soil underneath soft and loamy.

Jeremy: I’m hungover.

Me: Well, whose fault is that?

Jeremy: You were supposed to tell me to stop drinking!

Me: And you were supposed to listen to me when I told you that the alcohol was messing with my system!

Jeremy: ...How do you make a hangover cure?

One problem that's never mentioned about being a SQUIP is the random burst of power from the host drinking Mountain Dew that ends up shocking th- JEREMY FOR THE LAST TIME IF IT HURTS STOP DRINKING THAT OW STOP IT

What is a skeleton war

Why is it exciting

Why must we get ready for it

It’s not even September yet

I didn't sign up for this

Rich’s SQUIP told me that Rich also has Mountain Dew problems. So it’s a teenage boy thing, and not a Jeremy thing. I don’t know wether or not it’s comforting...

Jeremy: I know you don't technically have emotions- Me: There's no technically about that statement. Jeremy: Okay, so I know you don't have emotions. Knowing that, how come you still roll your eyes and sigh in frustration and things like that when I do something stupid? Me: Annoyance and frustration are universal languages that even binary can translate. Jeremy: So for you it's literally a state of being. Me: Yes. When I say, "I'm frustrated," I mean it literally. Jeremy: Like a chameleon! Me: *attempting not to shock him for that awful comparison* Yes... very much like... a... chameleon..

Hey to the person who just sent me asks could you please send the first one again? I lost it when I went to post it so sorry about that!!!