This Shared Memory Was Surreal I Had To Share It

yes, I’m a DM, yes, I love writing, no, I don’t know how distance works. Is that building 100 feet away or 40 feet away? Should you be able to see something ten minutes down the road? Is 1,000 feet long? Is 30?? Is 6??? Could you walk across the continent in 2 weeks or 2 years? I hate this. I hate travel. I hate measurement. Fuck you.

adventure time slang is weird cuz like. when you first watch the show and hear the slang you're like "oh this is cringy slang but its not like awful" but it gets to a point where the voice actors deliver the slang so naturally you don't even notice it and its just. part of the world's vernacular. I can't think of any other show that's done in-universe slang like this

your outie has the serial killer genes. your outie dropped out in the fourth grade to run drugs to support their nanna. your outie fought a friggin bear. your outie is weird, they're a weirdo. please try to enjoy each fact equally. your outie always has a stupid hat on.

they call me an undercover agent. the way i’m. under the covers :) cozy in bed :)

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

ASMR videos being popular and sought-after has to be the world's biggest prank against me. I fundamentally refuse to believe any of that is enjoyable. Hearing it turns me into an animal that needs to attack you so hard for Making those noises inside my ears.

your yearly reminder that Baby It’s Cold Outside is a song about a woman having CONSENSUAL sex, at a time when premarital sex was frowned upon. The female singer is offering up the token demurrals society expects her to, because it’s expected, not bc she doesn’t fully intend to stay and have awesome sex with a dude she’s into. The male singer knows this, and is in turn offering her an excuse to give to the neighbors in the morning (“it was too cold for me to go home, the only responsible thing to do was spend the night at his place. because of the weather, get your minds out of the gutter”). A 1950s audience would have understood all this, but the nuance gets lost in a modern age where women are actually allowed to say yes when they mean it.  

Also the “hey what’s in this drink” thing was a common joke at the time, where the punchline was that there was in fact nothing in the drink. the woman’s making a joke that she wouldn’t do this if she was sober, oh goodness no! it’s only a joke bc both she and the man are in on the punchline: she is sober, and is only staying bc she wants to

you hear about recovery not being linear (”there are ups and downs”), but actually it’s more like a game of wack-a-mole. this is not a bad thing

Selkie Rafayel AU ! 🦭🦭🦭

Instead of being kidnapped and whisked away from the ocean like the folklore, he just bothers and willingly gives up his selkie skin to the poor horrified and confused local who he's horribly smitten with