You Hear About Recovery Not Being Linear (”there Are Ups And Downs”), But Actually It’s More Like

are you sucking me stupid right now. are you fucking my stupid gay ass right now. please tell me youre just yanking my penis right now. are you actually just grabbing my tits right now

Jimin: OK guys, how do I ask someone out?

Seokjin: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two

Jimin: OH MY GOD NO

Hoseok: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car

Jimin: STOP IT

Taehyung: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, I can make you scream

Yoongi: I feel like that’s verging dangerously close into serial killer territory

Wdym I have to yearn for kinder years all the time I’m built to weather through not to pine for human decency this is bullshit

Now consider: a man in a dress. Not in drag or all dressed up or anything. No accessories, no makeup or styling, just wearing the dress, some ratty boxers and muddy sneakers. No socks or stockings, hairy legs in the open air, just raw dogging those nasty shoes. Hair mildly damp. Visibly sleep-deprived. Bruises on shoulders, elbows and knees, left palm bleeding. Sitting on a curb on the street, shivering, looking wretched, and absolutely miserable.

I forgot where I was going with this.

so my sister's dog is very very wary around new people, barking and circling and hiding behind furniture, and i haven't seen this dog in 3 years since before i transitioned. i.e. i went from futch aunt to bald james flint, so i'm like, ah shit, i'll have to introduce myself to this dog all over again.

so im sitting on the ground very non-threateningly as The Creature is circling with her tail between her legs. and then i remember something the adoption agency told me when i first adopted my blind dog, Loki. they said "talk to him ALL THE TIME!! dogs learn who people are by the way their breath smells! nobody knows that."

so i think. Oh, excellent. and I grab The Creature by the face, pull her toward me, and blow air straight into her nose.

AND IT FUCKING WORKED.

her mouth opened into this big old smile and she immediately started wagging her tail like "oh, it's you! Hi! sorry. something changed, but idk it doesn't matter anymore" and she was an unstoppable cuddle bug aftter that.

anyway psa if you've transitioned and are visiting a dog who you once knew, breathe on their face.

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

right now, somewhere in the world, there is a beautiful person scrolling tumblr.

tragically though, this beautiful person has a headache. their head hurts.

this is very unfair to them. they are very pretty, but for no reason their head is hurting.

if you know of anybody scrolling tumblr right now, who might have a bit of a headache, please ask them to take an ibuprofen, drink some water, do whatever might make them feel better.

it is tragic that such a beautiful person has a headache. the world is a vampire. I can only hope that this message may reach them

society if i could be a godless alien robot horse-man creature who looks sick as fuck and glows purple. and also has like 12 arms. and lives underwater.