A Little Happiness

Loneliness

Sometimes I feel so alone that it hurts

Most of my friendships have faded to the point where they don't even bother replying to me anymore. It hurts.

And it feels so hard to make friends without friends. I hate going to places where you meet new people like parties or clubs by myself. I just feel too out of place.

It's not like I can't talk to people, there are a good number of people that I could say I'm friendly with but it's like I don't exist outside that specific context. I can't count any of those people as a real friend.

It's not like I'm just going to start going more places to meet people so I don't know why I even complain. "If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known" but I'm not sure I can get over that fear.

Family

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart but sometimes I just need to get away from them. I feel bad but it’s hard being around anyone all the time. I just need time to recharge.

Doubt

I think everyone underestimates just how bad doubt is. Doubt makes you wonder if your friends even care about you. Doubt makes you wonder if your family is annoyed with you. Doubt makes you think you’re not good enough.

It hurts and the source of all that pain is doubt.

List of My Fictional Crushes

Edmund Pevensie - The Chronicles of Narnia

Peter Parker (Spiderman) - Marvel

Harry Potter - Harry Potter

Ginny Weasley - Harry Potter

George Weasley - Harry Potter

Madame Lefoux - Parasol Protectorate

Suki - ATLA

Bolin - LOK

Haruhi Fujioka - OHSHC

Tamaki Suoh - OHSHC

Kyoya Ootori - OHSHC

Kaoru Hitachiin - OHSHC

Pidge Gunderson (Katie Holt) - Voltron

Newt - The Maze Runner

Angus Macgyver - Macgyver

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls

Lloyd Garmadon - Ninjago

Luz Noceda - The Owl House

Klaus Baudelaire - A Series of Unfortunate Events

Riley Poole - National Treasure

Kirishima Eijirou - BNHA

Midoriya Izuku - BNHA

Group Projects Suck

Group projects can be so awful sometimes. I had to work with a partner on a big project and we worked really hard on it. Our paper, slides, and video presentation were awesome and my partner said she had submitted our presentation since only one of us had to and I believed her.

Why did I believe her? Now, two days after the deadline I was scrolling through the presentations looking at the other ones and ours isn’t there! Two days after the submission is locked. I have no idea what happened. It was probably a miscommunication but why didn’t I check for myself. This is worth an entire letter grade. Trust but verify.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, probably plead my case to the teacher Monday morning but I have no clue how she’ll react. At least we turned in the paper part of the project separately so that’s on time at least.

Still it’s just so frustrating!

Crushes

I never used to get a lot of crushes, a few sure but I never really paid attention to people I didn’t really know. But ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been stuck at home all the time, by myself. Now I get crushes all the time. 

The cashier girl telling me my dress is pretty=crush. Random guy at the library=crush. Classmates I know nothing about on Zoom=crush

And the fictional crushes are just as bad! Books, movies, tv shows it doesn’t matter, I’ll meet a character and crush instantly. I’m so starved for human affection that I’m developing all these crushes. My poor bi heart can’t take it!

Why I Love Halloween

It’s the one day of the year where you can dress as anything

It’s the one day of the year where you can truly become someone else

it’s the one day of the year where you see other’s creativity and interests

It’s the one day of the year where it’s fun to be scared

And did I mention CANDY!!!!

Time flies

Where has all the time gone

All my friends are out getting engaged and I’m sitting at home with my dog

At least I’ll get to be a bridesmaid

Support

Sometimes days are really hard and you feel really sad. When that happens just remember that there are people who love you more than you even know. You may not even realize they’re there but they are. Let them comfort you, let them hold you while you cry, let them support you.

And all my days are trances, And all my nightly dreams Are where thy grey eye glances, And where thy footstep gleams— In what ethereal dances, By what eternal streams.

Edgar Allan Poe

To One in Paradise