Why I Love Halloween

Loneliness

Sometimes I feel so alone that it hurts

Most of my friendships have faded to the point where they don't even bother replying to me anymore. It hurts.

And it feels so hard to make friends without friends. I hate going to places where you meet new people like parties or clubs by myself. I just feel too out of place.

It's not like I can't talk to people, there are a good number of people that I could say I'm friendly with but it's like I don't exist outside that specific context. I can't count any of those people as a real friend.

It's not like I'm just going to start going more places to meet people so I don't know why I even complain. "If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known" but I'm not sure I can get over that fear.

For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

Doubt

I think everyone underestimates just how bad doubt is. Doubt makes you wonder if your friends even care about you. Doubt makes you wonder if your family is annoyed with you. Doubt makes you think you’re not good enough.

It hurts and the source of all that pain is doubt.

Foolish One

So... I just listened to Taylor Swift's "Foolish One" for the first time today and wow. I felt that she just looked into my life and saw talking directly to me. Like wow...I felt so called out.

That was me a couple of years ago. I was so smitten with this guy like seriously it was bad. But he was a bit of a player and yeah I wasn't the exception. Literally, a couple of months after I finally told my friends about my crush, they all came to tell me bad news and comfort me. They told me he just got a girlfriend and my first thought was "Well it's only going to be a couple of weeks again"

Then I thought "Wow if I'm ever going to date him, I'm going to go through the same thing" Up til that minute in my head I really was going to be his exception. Foolish one right

Sad thing is I tried to stop liking him but every time I tried to distance myself, then he would give me attention. Flirt and get close then my hope ros, then next time I see him he had another girl on his arm. Every time, every time. Foolish one

It was like he liked having me like him but I never would be his exception. I was so foolish and it took me too long to walk away.

It's over now but just hearing that song brought back all those memories.

A Little Happiness

You know sometimes things can feel really bad. Sometimes there doesn’t feel that there’s anything to be happy about. It seems like there’s no one there. But don’t forget to have hope because you never know when someone will send a text and brighten up your day. Just a little piece of happiness

It’s strange isn’t it. I love being alone but hate being lonely

Noticed

I write on tumblr as a way to speak without being noticed personally and it’s nice. I can state honest opinions and preferences. But today one of my favorite authors liked one of my posts and wow just wow! I was so excited and happy! I felt noticed but in a good way.

Group Projects Suck

Group projects can be so awful sometimes. I had to work with a partner on a big project and we worked really hard on it. Our paper, slides, and video presentation were awesome and my partner said she had submitted our presentation since only one of us had to and I believed her.

Why did I believe her? Now, two days after the deadline I was scrolling through the presentations looking at the other ones and ours isn’t there! Two days after the submission is locked. I have no idea what happened. It was probably a miscommunication but why didn’t I check for myself. This is worth an entire letter grade. Trust but verify.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, probably plead my case to the teacher Monday morning but I have no clue how she’ll react. At least we turned in the paper part of the project separately so that’s on time at least.

Still it’s just so frustrating!

List of My Fictional Crushes

Edmund Pevensie - The Chronicles of Narnia

Peter Parker (Spiderman) - Marvel

Harry Potter - Harry Potter

Ginny Weasley - Harry Potter

George Weasley - Harry Potter

Madame Lefoux - Parasol Protectorate

Suki - ATLA

Bolin - LOK

Haruhi Fujioka - OHSHC

Tamaki Suoh - OHSHC

Kyoya Ootori - OHSHC

Kaoru Hitachiin - OHSHC

Pidge Gunderson (Katie Holt) - Voltron

Newt - The Maze Runner

Angus Macgyver - Macgyver

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls

Lloyd Garmadon - Ninjago

Luz Noceda - The Owl House

Klaus Baudelaire - A Series of Unfortunate Events

Riley Poole - National Treasure

Kirishima Eijirou - BNHA

Midoriya Izuku - BNHA

Oblivious

You ever had the feeling when someone tells you something and it changes the way you thought about something?

Today I visited my grandmother and she asked about a boy I haven’t talked to in a couple of years. She tells me that she thought we would have ended up together because she knew he liked me. She said he always tried to talk to me but I never did. That’s not how I remembered things.

We used to be friendly but I thought he always teased me over everything. He would say things to annoy me but most of the time he just didn’t talk to me as far as I knew. In fact, I thought he didn’t want to be around me. The only thing I could think of that said he might of liked me was when his friend asked me to the dance for him. Actually multiple times over the years, but he always said his friend was joking and he didn’t want to go before I answered.

That’s clear evidence he didn’t like me, right?

She put it in my head though. What if it was true? Am I that oblivious? I watch tv shows all the time and complain how a person can be so oblivious to miss that another character likes them. Am I as bad as that?