Ei, ükskõik Mis, Aga Palun Mitte See. See Tunne Tuli Tagasi. Ma Ei Mäleta Millal See Viimati Oli.

08.05.2018

Я честно старалась. Ну да рукожоп я... и что теперь?

Папа сказал на это: «опять рисуешь свою депрессивную фигню».

Да пошёл он...

Блин

Felt like a prostitute

26.06.2018

Я так больше не могу.

Ну блин нету мне места тут. Не подхожу я для жизни. Я разваливаюсь. Я просто больше не могу. Ну всё. Я даю этому лету последний шанс. Больше я не смогу. Я знаю что я эгоистка. Но хоть раз то можно. Можно я подумаю только о своём благополучии? Буду думать только о том как будет лучше мне? Как я перестану чувствовать боль?

Я знаю что не справлюсь в этом мире. Если за это лето ничего не измениться то я просто сдамся. У меня нету больше сил. Я очень люблю окружающих меня людей. Люблю Германа, Сашу, Лотту, Ханну, брата, Диану, Элю, Настю, маму, папу, дядю, тётю, бабушку, дедушку, Вику, Тимо, Эстер, Кятлин, Бетти, Кадри, Дану, Наташу, Соню, Мартина, Марка, Ники, Лиису, Виту, Сару, Марию и много много кого ещё.

Просто я серьёзно больше не могу. Простите меня.

20.02.2020

Wow, ma selle hetkeni ei saanudki aru kui ilus kuupäev see on.

Ma ei palu teil mulle andeks anda. Ma ei palu teil mõista. Ainukene asi, mida ma palun... Minge eludega edasi. Ärge mõelge, et mind enam ei ole. Kujutage seda ette, kui seda et ma kolisin teisse riiki ja otsustasin telefoni merre visata.

Mul on nüüd parem olla. Ma luban.

Ma olen sitt inimene. Ma tean seda. Ma tean ka seda, et ma olen hea inimene. Ma tean, et tähendasin palju teie jaoks.

Ma tean, et ma pole kõige koledam, kõige paksem. Ma tean, et olen mingil määral andekas. Mis kõige tähtsam.... MA TEAN, ET OLEN ARMASTATUD.

Lihtsalt, nii on lihtsam. Ma tean, et teen teile palju haiget. Ma tean, et tirin teist välja suure tüki. Ma tean.

Ma tean kuidas mu kadumine teid mõjutab.

Ma tean.

Ma ei taha teid jätta. Ma ausõna ei taha. Aga ma ikka näen kõike seda, ma tunnen kõike seda, ma kuulen, ma lähen hulluks.

Ma oleks pidanud teile rääkima. Oleks pidanud anda teile võimaluse aidata. Kuid see on täielikult ainult minu otsus. Ma olen isekas.

Armastan teid kogu südamest.

Ma ausõna püüdsin anda endast parima.

Seda kõike oli lihtsalt liiga palju minu jaoks. Ma andsin alla.

With love

Teie tütar, õde, sõber, kallim, sugulane, lapselaps, koolikaaslane, õpilane, töökaaslane, kaasmaalane, palatikaaslane, patsient, mälestus...

I’m starting to lose my only reasons to stay

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.

Hey Marco!

I wanted to thank you for making me to understand my worth. Thank you for destroying everything I’ve been trying to build only let me guess... whole my life?

You know that feeling when whole your life you have only been falling and falling, somewhere deep down. Feeling that you’ve spent whole life nowhere being no one- nothing.

I’ve lived like that. One day I realised that I want to live. I saw my own reflection and you know what... I knew that I’m gonna live. Not just exist but actually live life worthy life. That one day I’ll be truly happy.

But why I don’t feel like that anymore? Why can’t I see my bright future anymore?

One night. One night can change everything. I honestly hate you for that. Bringing back everything I was trying to bury so many years.

Please, just travel back in time. Try to remember how many times you heard word “NO”. I know that English isn’t your first language but you fucking know what means NO. I said it at least 7 fuckin seven times. I remember you telling me “but you’re so hot”, so? are you gonna put your dick inside of every “hot girl”?

I feel like it was my fault that I didn’t punch you or wasn’t trying to run away. But you knew that I wasn’t able to do it that moment. You fucked me me while I couldn’t move. You saw me having a panic attack, you asshole.

I’ll tell you what happened when I left your place:

I cried, screamed, laughed. I was going insane. Be thankful that I went to a mental hospital. Because I was gonna kill myself with a note in my pocket that it’s your fault.

I’ve spent more than a two months in a hospital. I have flashbacks every... fuckin every day.

It’s really hard to make me hate someone. But I really hate you with whole my heart.

I just want to ask you one question... why?

Didn’t you know that when for you is just putting hard dick in and out of girls body can destroy her whole life?

For you it was one night fun. For me... I’ve been in your room again and again. I feel physically that pain, that fear almost every day.

28th January 2020 have been worst day of this year.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. If I’ll get rid of all these nightmares and panic attacks.

I would understand if you kill someone physically and you’re sorry for that BUT if you kill someone’s soul just to cum. Then please burn in hell.

With whole my hate

- girl you killed

I wish

I wish for u to be better

I wish that you’ d know what u want

I wish I could get better

I wish I could do what I want

But there we are, drowning each other

Going deeper and deeper and making it harder to stop

I wish we have never met so I would never find out how it feels to genuinely love someone

I wish we have never met so I would never have to feel this way

I wish we met each other in another time and place

I wish you didn’t kill me slowly

Drowning my dreams in the sea of your self doubt

I wish I didn’t love you this much

Hoping that then it wouldn’t hurt this much

I love you

I feel we’d be better apart

04.08.2018

Мне очень хочется рассказать всем на сколько мне не хочется жить и на сколько я устала. Хочется рассказать все причины почему я такая. Хочется поделится всеми переживаниями. Но о некоторых вещах не знает никто. И не должен знать. Так как это не важно.

Просто я это не важно

It hurts so much. I feel physical pain just knowing that it’s real now. That I did it. That I’ve hurt him. My biggest fear was hurting him. And I did it. And I hate myself for it. But everyone says that my pain is more important and I need to think about myself. But what if he is a part of me. I feel so empty. I know that I didn’t do it impulsively, but why does it feel like I did. Why.

I hope you get better and we’ll continue our journey. Without us hurting each other.