20.02.2020

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT HERE

They’re trying to help. They’re putting stitches on my wounds to stop it bleeding. But there’s no one cleaning all these wounds. It still hurts. Now it’s slowly killing.

I love it so much that every time I’m trying to speak up, I’m the bad one. Im the worst right? Ruining all relationships with just talking about how I feel. Fuck u then.

I’m losing my mind again. But now I lost my battle to the life. To boring regular person life. Pandemic is taking the best of us. At first I loved being isolated but I need to travel, I need to visit concerts, I need to get these emotions. I don’t want to go back to drugs. I want to end my life. I want some extreme emotions and when u don’t know if you’ll be alive tomorrow or not bc u took 300 pills is a feeling I crave for. What’s wrong w me?

There is no point, you try your best to be “the best version of yourself” but all you get in return is “what’s wrong?”. Is it really that hard? To see that stuff that you say or do hurt? Or am I just too emotional woman who can’t handle her feelings? Somehow I don’t believe it’s true. Because I can handle everything. The only thing I need right now is to understand if he even feels anything towards me? Or am I just sitting on a passenger seat while he is zoned out and doesn’t even notice til we get somewhere? I hate to feel this way. I hate the thought in my head that says “he doesn’t actually care about YOU, you know that dear, why do you still keep trying?”. But what if it’s right?

21.06.2018

Я опять возвращаюсь к саморазрушению так как должна жить, а если жить то только так.

Why is it so hard for me to feel loved?

It’s so hard to have so many feeling for one person, this obsession just turns into pain in my chest.

I have a strong feeling that my fear to not be loved is gonna kill me. I’m so close to leave this place and I’m scared. I really want to enjoy life but I just can’t.

Just in case…. I loved you, I love you and I won’t ever stop loving you

I am sad. Most of the time. Even when I’m happy. It’s not the kind of sadness that makes u cry or listen to sad music.

It’s the knowledge that it wasn’t my fault I’m not gonna ever recover from mental illness bc it turned into disorder. That they can’t cure my CPTSD, bc nobody has enough knowledge. Losing people never gets easier. Body dysmorphia won’t disappear. You’re never gonna be normal.

It’s just anger mixed with tears that feels like a black hole that sucks in all the happy memories.

I’m just tired…

Fresh out of mental hospital.

Couple hours ago I felt free, alive.

Now I feel stones drowning me.

My heart is heavier with every breath I take.

I feel broken.

What if I’ve let it hurt me so much that I can’t hurt anymore. What if the drip finally stopped? All my love bled out. All the passion. What if now it’s only a habit. Habit to love. I feel so detached. I don’t feel the deep connection I’ve felt before. Or was it even a connection? Or was it just one of my mental illnesses obsessing over him. What he’s just one of my “special interests”? I do love him. He is my best friend, my family. But is there anything more left in me? I don’t know.