You Know I Find It Funny How All The Canon Hellaverse Asexuals Are In Positions Of Power In Some Way

Part 13!

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Evan: Fight me!

Jared, behind him, holding a knife: *Mouths* Do not.

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Connor: I desire moisture.

Zoe: Just say 'I want water' like a normal human being.

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Connor, to Jared: Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you can turn on is the microwave.

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Evan: What goes up but never comes down?

Jared: The amount of stress you bring me daily.

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Miguel: How would you like your coffee?

Connor: As dark, and as bitter as my soul.

Miguel: Got it, one cup of milk with extra sugar coming right up!

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Connor: I could kill you if I wanted.

Jared: Oh yeah? So could any other human being.

Jared: So could a dog.

Jared: So could a dedicated duck.

Connor:

Jared: Your not special.

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Jared: How the hell are you still alive?

Evan: Honestly, I am just as confused as you are.

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Jared: *Pulls back the curtain while Evan is showering*

Jared: Did we-- Evan, stop screaming, it's just me. --Did we run out of cheerios?

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Larry: So what are your political beliefs?

Heidi, trying to sound like she knows what she's doing: Well, I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun.

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Connor: Stop failing!

Evan: Don't tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!

Evan: *Succeeds*

Evan: Dang it!

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Evan: I am a responsible adult!

Jared: *Raises brow*

Evan: I am an adult.

Jared: That's much more accurate.

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Connor: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

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Jared, trying to impress Evan: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities, but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.

Zoe: He turned it off, and then turned it back on again.

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Evan: So, Jared is no longer aloud to take the trash out at night.

Alana: Why?

Evan: Because I've caught him trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.

Jared, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.

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Zoe: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Connor: Well, that's just your personal opinion. I don't have anger issues. Do you guys think that I have anger issues?

Jared: Well, you see, I wouldn't call them 'issues'.

Jared: Issues are something you can fix.

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Evan: My dad's name is just mine as well, so technically I'm just Mark Jr.

Jared: But who comes up when you look up 'Mark Evan Hansen' on google?

Alana: That's what I thought!

Jared: One Mark to rule them all!

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Jared: Hello, it is I, your favorite person.

Evan: Oh actually, Zoe's my favorite person.

Jared, annoyed but holding it in: Okay, then.

Jared: It is I,

Jared: That bitch.

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Alana: What's it like being tall?

Zoe: Is it nice?

Miguel: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Evan: We live in constant fear of the short ones, who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table, and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Jared: It was ONE time!

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Alana, who just won Evan at armwrestling: I am strong! I beat Evan at armwrestling!

Connor, who has beaten Evan at armwrestling at least 7 separate times: Anyone can beat Evan at armwrestling.

Evan, who really just lets everyone win at armwrestling to be nice: Hey-

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Miguel: Connor's gonna kill me.

Zoe: No, he'll probably just make me do it.

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Evan: We can't tell you because your not a member of the club!

Jared: What club?

Connor: The Hating Jared Kleinman Club.

Jared: What the fuck? I should be the president of that club!

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Alana: The clock is ticking! We don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery!

Jared: The unmitigated poppycock?

Zoe: Extravagant hogwash!

Evan: Okay, stop.

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Evan: How do you tell someone that you want to have sex with them in a polite way?

Connor: Excuse me Mr, would you give me the honour of indulging in sexual activity with you?

Jared: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

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Jared: *Speaking Spanish*

Evan: I know, I know.

Alana: You speak Spanish?

Evan: No. I just know the phrase 'this is all your fault' in every language Jared speaks.

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Zoe: The ritual. To perform it requires a sacrifice.

Connor: Sacrifice? I nominate Jared.

Jared: Wait, what?

Connor: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.

Jared: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!

Evan: It's not that kind of of sacrifice guys!

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Zoe: Connor won't wake up, what do I do?!

Jared: Did you try kicking him??

Zoe: Yes!

Jared: Then I'm out of ideas.

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Evan: I asked Zoe out.

Jared: Oh, I'm sorry.

Evan: Why?

Jared: I just assumed she said no.

Evan: No actually, she said yes.

Jared: Oh.

Jared: Then I'm sorry for her.

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Evan: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.

Alana: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.

Jared: Fuck you.

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Jared: Zoe, I know you love Evan. I mean, we all do, he's a very nice person and I totally respect him deep down.

Jared: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.

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Zoe: How high are you?

Connor: Hm, I don't know how to say it in feet.

Evan: No, she's asking you about what drugs your on.

Connor: Oh, antidepressants, why?

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Evan: Connor gave me a Get Well Soon card.

Alana: Awhh, that's nice of him.

Evan: I wasn't sick, he just thought that I could do better.

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Evan: Hey Jared, Connor just broke my seashell lamp,

Jared: Neat, I'm gonna die alone.

Evan:

Evan: Okay, you win.

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[During the 'Evan using everyone and being a fucking asshole' segment]

Alana: You really believe in Evan?

Jared, annoyed: Luckily, he believes in himself enough for both of us.

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Heidi: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Evan. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Evan!

Jared: Nope.

Heidi: In that case, as the archbishop of Jared's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Evan right on the lips!!!

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Connor: Go. Let it out. Cry, Evan. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry.

Alana: Just when we thought it was safe to add you back into the conversation.

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

spotify has a vendetta against me. tell me why it just went from happy-go-lucky, upbeat It Must be Believed To Be Seen from the Charlie and Chocolate Factory musical to WHAT WOULD I DO

🤯🤯🤯SPECTACULAR I AWAIT ITS FINISH BOUNCING UP AJD DOWN AND GRINNING VERY WIDE

heres a little sneak peak of my current wip 😁

AUGHHHHHHHH

I am looking respectfully at the other guy and the previous guy and sobbing profusely

Do you. Do you get it.

Original under the cut!

you edit my willrick insanity I'll edit yours

do we have a deal 👁️👄👁️

so many invincible authors on ao3 kill off rick to push canon william and literally any mark variant together but consider

what if a mark variant tried to take william and rick killed the variant?

is this something?? it's one of those shower thoughts you're not fully sure about but you gotta see if anyone agrees just for the hell of it

drawing them is not enough, I need to physically give everyone in the falsettos 2016 cast a tight hug

they are not mid they are my fixation and they remind me of that 8-bit version of the falsettos 2016 album

in other news somebody tell me which app to download to make this kinda pixel art I keep seeing it around and wanting to cry because of the lil guys

something something pixelsettos…

:>

stardew valley

that's it

that's the post

UGH FR

I think my shuffle did Something Bad is Happening/More Racquetball and then... then fuckin' Love Thy Neighbour?

i find it so funny when the shuffle puts shit like feed me or whizzer going down or blue after a really sad song

like

“you, the one i left behind, if you ever walk this way, come and find me lying in the bed i made…FEED ME. DOES IT HAVE TO BE HUMAN?? FEED ME. DOES IT HAVE TO BE MINE???”

or like

“it’s not up to me, just let me be legally blonde…heyyyyyyy ‘ronica *womp womp womp womp*”

Part 14, lol (DEH Incorrect Quotes)

Connor: Funny story, I used an energy drink in my coffee this morning instead of water.

Evan, extremely concerned: And.. how do you feel?

Connor: Oh, my heart stopped beating about two hours ago.

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Evan: Mufasa’s death scene made me cry again…

Jared: Aww, it’s okay. He’s not a real horse. He’s a cartoon.

Evan: horse?

Evan: HORSE?

Jared:

Jared: Okay, in my defense, I’ve never seen it.

Evan: IT’S CALLED THE L I O N KING!

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Connor: I love making short jokes about Jared.

Connor: They go right over his head.

Connor: *Dying with laughter on the floor*

Jared: It wasn’t even that fUCKING FUNNY-

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Jared: My sarcasm has reached a dangerous level, where even I can’t tell if I’m kidding or not.

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Connor: What the fuck are you doing?

Jared: *Spreading toothpaste on toast*

Jared: I’m multitasking.

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Connor: Damn! We were so close to having Valentine’s Day on Friday the 13th!

Evan: There’s always next year?

Jared: No, you have to wait seven years! One for each day of the week!

Alana:

Alana: I hope you guys say these things just to mess with me, because holy fuck

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Jared: I am going to cry, this is a threat.

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Connor: It’s 2020, why don’t banks just have the slogan “It’s Common Cents” yet?

Jared: I say we demand change.

Zoe: These puns caught my interest.

Evan: Stop. Please, just stop.

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Jared: Fuck, I want to die!

Evan: Language!

Jared, annoyed: Heckity heck, I want death!

Evan: That was NOT any better!

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Jared: Well, looks like it’s time to move on to plan 2.

Zoe: Don’t you mean plan B?

Jared: No, because that would insinuate that I only have 26 plans.

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Evan: Ah yes, my train of thought. Or as I like to call it: The Anxiety Express!

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Jared: Alright.

Connor: Fine.

Jared: Splendid.

Connor: Spectacular.

Jared: Terrific!

Connor: Marvelous!

(In the Background)

Evan: What are they doing…?

Alana: They're mad at each other, but they still want to talk, although neither will admit it.

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Jared: What did I do to deserve this? I’m a good person!

Connor: You once pushed me down the stairs because I made a joke about your height.

Jared:

Jared: I’m a good person most of the time.

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Jared: *Staring at literally nothing, zoning out*

Connor: What’cha thinkin about?

Jared: When normal dogs see police dogs, do they think “Oh no, the cops”?

Connor:

Connor: Do you ever look at your boyfriend and ask yourself how and why you're dating him?

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Evan: *Picks up his phone* Hello?

Connor: It's Connor.

Evan: Ugh, tell him I'm not here.

Connor: No- it's Connor on the phone right now.

Evan: oH-

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Zoe: What's everyone going as for Halloween?

Evan: Superman :)

Connor: A clown.

Jared, to Connor: So then we don't need to actually buy you a costume, right?

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Evan: Connor, I am questioning your sanity...

Zoe: Really? I never questioned it, I knew it was gone from the start.

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Evan: How is Spring not everyone's favourite season? The trees are PINK, guys!

Jared: But also, y'know, allergies and shit.

Evan: But pink.

Connor: Also it's fucking hot out.

Evan: PINK.

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Alana: I know you love him.

Jared: I am NOT in love with Evan!

Alana, staring at him and smiling: I never said who.

Jared: *Realizes*

Jared: Shit. Well, anyways-

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Evan: Uh, Jared, I'm afraid.

Jared: Just stay close to Connor?

Evan: No, you don't get it.

Evan: That's why I'm afraid.

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Zoe & Jared: *Accidentally set the kitchen on fire*

Jared: We need an adult!

Zoe: But you ARE an adult!

Jared: We need an adultier adult! Go get Alana!

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Evan: Uhm.. how do you- like- ask someone out?

Miguel: Well, first-

Connor: Don't ask him. He asked me out in a McDonald's parking lot.

Miguel:

Miguel: ...And yet, you said yes?

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Jared: So. What's the plan?

Zoe: I don't know. Your smart, *Points at Connor* he's mean, come up with something.

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Evan: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…

Jared: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.

Evan: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…

Jared: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

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Jared: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Connor: *Sigh*

Connor: Why.

Jared: To get to the dumbfuck's house.

Jared: Knock knock?

Connor: Who's there.

Jared: The chicken, dumbfuck.

Connor:

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Alana: Evan isn't talking to me...

Jared: Enjoy it while it lasts.

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Zoe: Evan is in trouble.

Jared: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I'm being honest right now.

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Connor: Larry has no idea that I'm high.

Larry: Your high?

Connor: Oh, sorry.

Connor, leaning toward Zoe: Larry has no idea that I'm high.

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Miguel: Connor and I were walking down the street, and this guy drove by and honked at us.

Zoe: What did you do?

Miguel: Well, he chased him to the next red light, and reached his window, and-

Connor, walking in: So, who wants a steering wheel?

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Connor: I really like Eminem.

Jared: I prefer skittles.

Evan: He was talking about the rapper.

Jared: Why would you eat the wrapper????

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Alana: Wow! Evan made you cry?!

Jared, tearing up: Yes. He said some mean things that are only partially true.

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Jared: Evan! What the fuck did I tell you about lying?

Evan, looking down: That it only works on Cynthia...

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Jared: Is there a fucking cactus where your heart should be?

Zoe: What's up your ass this morning??

Evan: *Walks in* Uh.. hey.

Zoe: Hm. Nevermind, disregard that last statement.

Jared: wAIT NO-