THIS IS SO PRODUCER MATTY OF HIM

might start writing again to fill the void off missing being in a relationship or in love with someone so keep an eye out !!

Part 15

Word count 3075

There’s a little bit of Ross in this one so if your a Ross girlie/guy your man’s in this has a slight POV and I think it’s quite sweet mention of anxiety and drugs again in this one

Matty's POV

The walk to school was pleasant to say the least, My headphones were in ,the sky was blue and there was nary a car in sight not much to complain about on this fine morning other than the pollution in the air affecting the Ozone layer. Green house gasses and Carbon emission affecting climate change but what can a 17 year old boy do about that really. I decide to wait at the park for Ross he'll most likely want to walk with me. I pull out a cigarette while I wait lighting it in-between my lips while I guard it from the wind, I let the nicotine run through my veins and relax right into it. Ross doesn't take to long to turn up, rucksack flung over his shoulder and one shoe still needing tied. "Bloody hell, what happened to you?", He looks down right dishevelled,

He leans over tying his shoes "Stayed up last night talking to John and I slept in, missed my alarm didn't I." mans stressing, he really thought hed be late. It's kinda funny seeing Ross in this state usually it's me. The more important thing here is that he's stayed up talking to someone. That's never a Ross thing to do

"What really !?" I pat him on the back and pull his bag strap onto his other shoulder for him. His bag weighs a fuckin ton what the hell. I look at him he looks more presentable and pat down his shirt a little bit though and straighten his tie "There you go lad, looking loads better", We sit down on the swings next to each other and I hand him a cigarette and a lighter he probably needs it right now. I take another drag out of mine "on a serious note though , I do need to tell you something". I can't look him in the eye , I'm nervous about telling him what happened last night because I know he'd be upset that I didn't tell him sooner, I contemplated telling him how I felt , I contemplated texting him but I just couldn't.

"What's up Lad ?", although I'm not looking at him, avoiding all eye contact with him , boaring into the ground with my eyes. I exhale the smoke that I didn't realise I was holding. I can still feel his eyes on me "Matty you can tell me anything you know ?."After inhaling the last of my cigarette I throw it on the ground and squish the reminisce with my foot now my hands are free and I don't know what to do with them. They immediately go to my hair curling the ringlets carefully.

"I did something last night" my hands are now between my knees I'm crushing them together , it's an anxious tick I suppose something I do when I'm scared "it was stupid", although I really want to tell him I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm stalling .

"Come on lad, what happened ?". I was hyper aware of everything going on around me and how anxious I was getting. I was sweating and it wasn't the least obvious thing.

"I used again" , my hands were clammy and I still couldn't look in his direction never-mind at him, I know it's just Ross and he'd never judge me but everything around me is spinning again and my vision is going blurry and I feel like I am about to throw up . It's just nerves.

"Shit man ,I'm so sorry , why?, what caused it ?, did something happen?, why didn't you call me ?" . That's so many questions in one go , how am I supposed to answer, shit everything is going crazy and my head, it hurts , I'm dizzy and I don't want to be here having this conversation right now.

"It's a long story....I had a meltdown really...George and I were talking about music ...he threw a track together in his class yesterday and really wanted me to hear it and uh I wanted to show him that I knew what I was talking about and he wanted to hear something I'd done so I made the error of singing 102 didn't I....and everything just spiralled" . It all came out all at once . I didn't plan on telling him the whole story but when I started I couldn't stop. Word vomit comes to mind. Still no chance of it stopping there though my mind is just raving " and and ...I had forgotten that Corey had given me gear from the party we went to the other week , I was trying to be good so I didn't take it ...but I found it when I was cleaning up ....and singing 102 again without Janey just hurt and ....".I felt Ross' hand on my bank and his arm snake around me in a tight hug trying to comfort me as the tears start rolling down my face

"Hey hey ...it's okay Matty, I understand, it's alright" , He held me close rubbing his hands down my back in a comforting kind of way , I'm now soaking his shirt with my tears there's no way that it's going to subside anytime soon "Can we just go back to yours for a bit" I mumble into his shirt. I don't quite know if he heard me because he makes no effort to move. He just held me. After a few minutes more he pulled away and guided my chin to look at him "we can go back to mine, my mum won't mind, I really don't think school is the right place for you right now, it'll be okay". I was upset , more so angry at myself . I had really been looking forward to school this morning somewhat excited to maybe have a full day in lessons but now my head was throbbing and everything was telling me there was no way that was gunna happen.

"I'm sorry" , Ross is still holding on to me while we walk back to his , the guilt I feel that he's missing school is bubbling in my stomach, " You don't have to miss school you know?, not for me" . The walk to his isn't to long, he lets go of me for a second to unlock his front door and he lets me go in first and follows close behind. Once I've dropped my rucksack into his room I slip into the bathroom because I'm feeling super nauseous. Ross tentatively follows behind me "please, don't come in".

"I'll just wait out here okay , and just call for me if you need me" . He lets me close the door and if I know Ross which I do he will literally just be sat at the other side of the door. With that knowledge I rest my back against the door and slide down, and try to avoid looking at the light so I can calm down. I slip my glasses off and place them on the floor beside me and force my knuckles into my temples to try and ease the throbbing in my head "Ross do ave any more painkillers by any chance?"

"Yeh there in the cupboard above the sink", His voice is soft and quiet from the otherside, I must have gotten up from my place on the floor to quickly because as I rise the nausea comes flowing through me tenfold causing me to rush over the the toilet and heave into it making a disgusting grumble echo through the room. "Matty are you okay ?". It comes in waves a few seconds apart three more times. The toast from breakfast swiftly making an appearance. My skin is sticky the room smells rancid and my eyes are feeling that familiar sting again. Here I go crying again for god sake. Once I'm sure I have finished I lean against the cool tile on the wall behind me , loling my head back.

"I know I asked you not to come in but I've changed my mind..." before I've even finished my sentance Ross is in the room and by my side, I curl up into a ball and fall against his shoulder

"I hate this Ross , I hate this sooo much , I was in such a good mood this morning and now here I am crying on your bathroom floor not even an hour later , I don't understand any of this" , my tears are flowing at a rapid pace now and I've lost all the ability to stop them, my bottom lip is trembling. "I can't keep doing this"

"What going on up ere ?", he tapped my head in between my eye brows indicating that he's asking what's going on my head.

"Everything , Everything is going on, I'm not okay , I'm just...so...emotional....I feel unstable in my own head" .I'm clinging onto Ross for dear life right now like he's going to disappear if I let go or I'm not careful "I....I feel lost"

"Can you tell me do you know when this all started Matty, like when exactly did the first meltdown happen ?, was anyone there to help?" . I can feel his arms wrapped around me , his warmth is trapping me in this feeling of closeness and understanding. It's safety isn't it.

I speak into his shoulder "I don't quite remember when it all started but I know I was at work when it first happened , I was at work and um it was a particular busy shift and everything was just getting to much, It started with just a headache but then like 20 minutes later just everything , everything hurt and I couldn't see and the room was spinning , my hands where shaking, they sent me home and mum looked after me?". I really did think talking about it would be a lot harder but something about being in Ross' arms make it a lot easier.

"How does it make you feel after", his hands are playing with my hair he knows it calms me down. Lightly tugging on the curls running them through his fingers

"I just feel tired and a bit twitchy", I still have a slight headache but talking about it is really starting to help a small bit. "Could you get those painkillers for me lad ?".

He does so, standing up and filing through the cupboard looking for the painkillers , filling a glass and picking up my glasses from the floor, handing me them. I thank him as he sits right back where he was pulling me into him "Do you want to go lie down then , Ill ring your mum and let her know where you are so she doesn't worry ?"

"That would be nice, thank you".After necking the the pills and water and putting my glasses back on , Ross pulls me up to my feet. Guiding me to his room, my legs are are still shaky but Ross is doing a great job right now. He lays me down on his bed and sits next to me. He's only got a single bed so there's not much room for us both but I pull him close to me while he's here so he doesn't leave.

"Try to get some sleep then lad", I close my eyes and concentrate on his breathing, I know he won't call my mum until I'm asleep since I don't like it when people talk about me. He turns the TV on and plays it on low friends is playing, I can feel him slightly shake every-time they tell a joke, he gets a good laugh. I fall sleep listening to the sound of his breathing against my ear.

~~~~~

Ross POV

Once I feel like Matty's asleep, I find my phone in my pocket and fire his mum a text.

"Good morning Denise, It's Ross , which you know I guess obviously but yeh , I don't know if your free to talk or anything but just so your aware Matty is here with me , you probably got a message from the school saying he's not there but I just thought I'd let you know he's here with me and not to worry"

"Good Morning sweetheart, I did see a message from the school but I have had a minute to check it over , what happened , he seemed happy this morning when he left?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say he should really tell you himself but I'd just recommend speaking to him or just keeping a closer eye on him for a little while , There's alot going in his head right now"

"I have realised that but you know how he is just avoiding us as much as he can , but thank you for letting me know sweetheart , I'll be round to pick him up after work, please just make sure he gets something to eat and keeps hydrated, I'll let his dad know"

"You don't need to thank me, I'm just looking out for him , he's asleep right now , I'll get him some lunch when he wakes up"

I put my phone back in my pocket because I'm not sure how to continue the conversation I've never been good at talking with peoples families without them around even though Denise is like another mother to me. I just stay in my room with Matty to keep a close eye on him. I've never seen this kid so quiet, it's miracle trying to keep this lad still for longer than five seconds. I smile to myself because finally seeing him look peaceful for the first time in so long really pulls at my heart strings. The TV in the background drowning as I just watch him sleep keeping an eye out for any signs that he's having a nightmare or something.

He's been asleep for nearly an hour now , he's laying next to me I can feel him start to get a little restless slightly thrashing about not much but it's still noticeable. "Hey , Matt , shhhh , it's alright I'm ere , Matty it's alright". His grip on me tightened and I don't know if I should wake him but I don't want him to be in distress so I shake him a little "Matty your alright, I don't know if you can hear but everything is okay" . At that his eyes open a little and he squints as his eyes get used to the room around him and he pulls himself into me guarding his face from the light seeping through the window. "Are you okay?"

"It's...it's to bright, the curtains can you close them" , I get up slowly to close the curtains and Matty sits up pulling his knees to his chest and the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes

"Matty , stop your going to hurt your eyes mate, you've got to be softer". I'm next to him again in an instant pulling his hands away and holding his face so he's looking at me "Is that better?"

He's looking at me with those eyes of his, so apologetic for no reason, he looks so young "I'm sorry , my eyes just always really hurt after a headache...like there just really sensitive"

I'm still holding his face, he's till looking right into my eyes "it's okay Matt , why you apologising, were you having a nightmare"

"I don't think so, I think I was just panicking in my sleep if that's even possible"

"I think that can happen you know", You know I don't actually know if it is possible but feels like it could be and it definitely seemed like that's what was happening. "Oh uh I haven't mentioned , your mums coming to pick you up after work"

"Okay , fuck she's probably gonna take me out for a drive somewhere so I'll talk to her , I don't wanna go out I just wanna be at home" , he lets his legs go straight again and rest his head against the headboard

"Why don't you want to go out ?". I'm sat next to him with my legs crossed playing with a singular thread coming off the pocket of his trousers, "doesn't it help to talk to your mum ?, she used to take you out on drives when you were younger didn't she to help you talk more ?"

"She did yeh , she used to take me out a lot when I had things going on , or when I was anxious as a kid like when I was anxious to tell her things, it did help, I think I'm just scared to tell her what I did, she'll be so upset"

"She'd be upset but she'd understand and she would never be mad at you , you know , I know your mum she loves you , just wants what's best for ya". I really hope he gets the help he needs seeing him so fragile and scared is weird he's always been so confident in himself , we'll not always he was always a little shy as a kid but since high school he really grew into himself and became such a light in everyone's world and watching that light dim has just been so upsetting lately. "Do you think they might be panic attacks or Anxiety attacks or something"

"Maybe , it's just everything sets it off that's what bothers me is that I don't know what's going to set me off everyday because there's always something"

"We'll we can work it on them, see what helps you calm down , and please talk to your mum , you never know how much it might help ya" . I pull a cigarette from my pocket and steal Matty's lighter from his blazer pocket "want one ?"

"Sure", I offer him one of mine as I light mine, we sit in silence for a bit as I ponder what to do next because I really just want to make sure he's settled before his Mum arrives which might make him open up more.

"What do you wanna do , watch tv , fifa or just sit for a bit", picking up my remote I look through what's on Netflix "if you want the TV you can pick"

"I don't mind , we can just watch whatever" , we finish our cigarettes and he immediately pulls out a joint "this might calm me down"

"Thats alright I'll just put some music on"

And that we do and we smoke until his mum turns up. Just around the back of 1

Also I feel like if Matty had a YouTube channel it would be an absulote party 😂😂 , Man’s adhd would be wild he’d be chatting about something go on a complete tangent about something else , waffle on about a completely different thing then get back to the topic at hand and G would film it as always and that’s just really funny to me 😂😂😂

I don’t feel grown up enough at my big age (23 ) to be going to an Embassy to be picking something up this isn’t funny

Boyo needs to stop chewing on his nails man (I mean my hands are constantly bleeding cuz of it but we don’t gotta talk about that )

GUYS I ACTUALLY WANNA SOB OVER THE LATEST CHAPTER OF “HEART OUT” THAT IM WRITING , WRITING LOUIE IS ACTUALLY GUNNA BE THE DEATH OF ME OMG

@justanamesstuff @heavenfalls @medeas-chariot @tillthelandslide @1975tv @ros3chu

Here I am again the one the brung up a problem I was having , but also the one who is now apologising 🙄

To read after work

unplanned - ross macdonald x reader

chapter 1

a/n: hello! i posted this a long time ago but was very unsatisfied with it, so i took it down to polish up and am far more pleased with this version! plz let me know what u think :) excited to write this.

you feel frightened by how quickly you jolt awake; once you had finally managed to fall asleep last night it was deep, the kind you knew would have been refreshing had it lasted. but only a few hours have passed, and as soon as you’re awake you panic because you know why this has happened. the nausea hits you immediately and you run to the bathroom down the hall, not even worrying about trying to keep quiet despite the fact your grandmother is asleep just down the hall and you don’t want her to know what’s been going on with you the last few days.

it’s a close call but you make it just in time, emptying your stomach even though there’s really not much left at this point. you try to be quiet but your retching is loud enough that once you’re finished you hear a small knock on the door.

“darling, are you ok?” you hear your nana ask on the other side of the door.

you lie your head back against the tub, grabbing a cold washcloth you had left from when you’d been in this same situation a few hours before and putting in on your forehead.

“i’m fine, nan. something i ate i suppose,” you say back, weakly.

“alright then. i’m going back to bed but if you need anything let me know.”

“thanks nan.” you want to cry thinking about how sweet she is, how much you will miss her when you finally head back to the city. you have been here all summer, and all of the paid time off you should have been saving for an upcoming wedding and honeymoon is gone, spent instead on feeling sorry for yourself, mourning the loss of your new home, a large group of your friends, and of course, your relationship with ross. you are due to return to london today, and back to work tomorrow. you try and take deep breaths as you lie there, then get up, brush your teeth, and head back to your room. you lie back in bed, thankful for how cool your sheets feel on your face and your back, then pick your phone up off the bedside table. 5 am. you will be leaving the house in just two hours.

you unlock it and see you have two texts. both you are expecting, but one you dread.

the first is from your friend, gemma, confirming the time you’ll be at her flat this morning . you’ll be staying with her temporarily until you can find a place of your own, at least you hope. you wait to respond, as your answer will depend on what lies ahead in your next message.

it’s from ross:

yeah, i suppose i can meet up. what time

you hate how indifferent his tone is. you know it’s just a text, that a lot can get lost when you’re communicating without seeing or hearing him, but you still have a gut feeling that he is not happy to be hearing from you.

you stare at the screen for several minutes, feeling incapable of responding. you lock and unlock your phone several times, another knot forming in your stomach. you’re sure he’s not awake, that’s he’s barely thought about you since he received your message asking if you could see each other and talk, but you also can’t help but worry that he knows you’ve read your message, that you’re taking so long to respond. you can’t think rationally right now after the news you’ve received yesterday.

you unlock your phone again then go to your mail app, where you have an email from your doctor with your blood results. you scroll to the bottom and see the words again, still as big of a shock to your system as they were when you read them the first time: PREGNANCY (HCG) - POSITIVE.

over the last couple of weeks, you could sense that something was off. you’d felt far more tired than normal; when you’d first arrived at the beginning of the summer, you had made a habit of spending your afternoons gardening with your nana, but the heat seemed to be getting to you more easily now. but when you’d started throwing up a few days before, you realized you had missed your second period in a row. upon this realization you had texted gemma immediately, panicking, but she tried and reassured you that maybe it had just been the unduly high amount of stress you’d been under. but when you did the math in your head of the last time you and ross had slept together, you knew you wouldn’t get any reassurance until you’d seen your doctor.

you exit the mail app and go back to your messages, staring at the blinking cursor. finally you respond:

does noon sound ok? i’m driving back from nan’s this morning so i can just meet you as soon as i get back into the city. maybe at that coffee shop around the block from my office?

you sit up against the headboard after you hit send, feeling your eyes well up again. you are so scared about telling him, scared of how he will react, scared of seeing him again for the first time in two and a half months. you’d known that eventually you would have to contact him again; your stuff was still in the house you’d shared after all, you were going to have to fetch it eventually. but you had not expected your first meeting after your breakup to be under such strange circumstances.

by now it’s 5:45, and you figure you might as well get up and start packing. before you can get out of bed, your cat, harvey, jumps up and starts rubbing his head against your hands, purring up a storm. you smile through your tears at him; he is so old, his fur is patchy, he’s half blind, but he has been a constant source of comfort for you during your summer stay at your nana’s.

you continue to cry as you pull your suitcase out from under your bed and put your things in it. you don’t want to go back to what you have left behind. you still don’t think you have even fully processed your breakup with ross; the night you’d broken up with him, you’d immediately packed a bag that night and driven up to liverpool. you hadn’t looked back, and because of that you’d spent the whole summer distracting yourself rather than dealing with your grief. your nana had been wonderful, and had offered to talk things out with you several times, but you’d always refused. you feel guilty for not telling her what’s going on now, but you don’t want to tell anyone until you know exactly how you are going to handle the situation.

once your things are in your suitcase, you wash your face, throw on a pair of jean shorts and an old t-shirt, then pack harvey up in his crate and head downstairs, where your nana is making tea and toast. she follows you out to your car, giving you a big hug before you get in. you start crying again as you hold her tightly, not wanting to let go.

“it’ll be ok, sweetheart. you’ll make it through, i promise,” she says, rubbing your back.

“i love you, nana,” you say, still holding her arms as you pull away. “thank you for everything.”

“i love you too, more than you will ever know. give me a ring when you make it back to gemma’s.” she watches as you get in your car, start the engine, and drive off, and you sob as you see her fade away in your rear view mirror.

the drive to london passes in silence, but it’s quick, as you spend the whole time trying to play out how you will break this news to ross. you practice different scenarios out loud, occasionally glancing down to see harvey glaring back up at you from his carrier in the passenger seat, grateful he’s there to help you calm down when you start to feel like you’re getting too worked up about it. when you finally arrive in the city you make a quick stop at gemma’s flat, where she’s left a key for you at the front desk while she’s at work so you can drop off harvey and your suitcases. once you set up his food and water bowls and his litter box you look at your watch. it’s now 11:57.

“shit,” you say out loud, leaving the flat and walking the six blocks as fast as you can to the cafe where you are supposed to meet him. you’d wanted to get there early, to compose yourself as much as possible before he arrived, but the time had gotten away from you.

when you arrive you are a little out of breath, and feel a bit alarmed because you don’t immediately see him. it was unlike him to be late, and while you were driving down the thought of him not showing up at all had occurred to you more than once. but you catch your breath as your eyes take a second glance around the cafe and see him sitting in the corner booth, his coffee already at the table, staring at his phone. after a few seconds he looks up and sees you, gives you a small wave; as he does he gives you a strange look, not exactly a frown and not exactly a smile, a grimace of sorts. you wave back and try to force a small smile, then go to the counter to order.

while you wait for the barista to finish up your drink, you look over at him a few times. he looks good; hair up, arms looking more toned than usual, skin tanned, most likely from his time spent outdoors on the festival circuit this year. he and the boys had seemingly hit a high this summer from what you could tell when you would torture yourself by checking instagram. it bothered you that he looked so good and you looked so pitiful, showing up with a puffy face, frizzy hair, no makeup on. you curse yourself for not thinking of that possibility, but aren’t able to dwell on it for long because your name is being called.

he does not stand up or greet you as you approach the table, just locks his phone and looks up at you when you sit down, folding his hands. “hi,” you say, softly, again trying to force a smile you know he’ll be able to see through.

“hey. alright?” he says, a little too politely.

“fine. sorry i’m so late. lost track of time.”

he chuckles a little at that, giving you a small smile. “i wouldn’t expect anything less.”

you smirk, looking down at your coffee as you stir it nervously with your spoon. “you look well. have things been okay with the band and all that?”

“yeah, really good. just got home from a long run of festivals a couple days ago. don’t have much else planned until the new year, so it’ll be nice to have a few months off.”

that’s nice,” you say, looking back up at him. the tension is sharp, and there is an awkwardness, but even so you can’t believe how kindly he is acting toward you after everything that went down. you’re both silent for a few moments, eyes wandering around the room, not sure what to say next; you keep trying to figure out when to bring it up without it seeming like too big of a bomb, but you’re kidding yourself if you think there’s a way to tell him organically.

but just before you’re about to speak up again, he clears his throat. “erm…have you figured out where you’re staying yet? sort out a flat or anything?”

you take another sip of coffee. “not exactly…like i said, i literally just got back from staying with my nana. think i’ll just be crashing with gemma until I can find a flat. might be a while though. i’ve applied to several places but keep getting rejected because of my credit.”

“shit,” he says. “sorry about that.”

you can tell by the way his jaw clenches that he wants to say something else on the subject, something about how this could have been prevented, but he bites his tongue. you nearly roll your eyes at this, but continue. “it’s alright, really. i’ll make it work. you, um, is it still okay with you if i keep my things at the house until i sort something out? i promise i’ll get them out as soon as i find a place. just can’t really afford storage at the moment.”

“sure, i don’t mind. not bothering me. i’ve only been back from tour for about a week myself so everything is sort of all over the place at the house anyway.”

another silence. then, he goes again.

“your nana doing alright?”

“yes, she’s doing really well. still as active as ever. and your family?”

“great. my parents are supposed to come visit in a few weeks i think.”

“good.”

another silence. you start to pick at the skin on your thumbs a little, and watch as he taps his phone, pretending to look distracted. from your side of the table you can see that only about seven minutes have passed since you sat down, but you feel like it’s been hours. a lump builds in your throat when you realize this; if anyone had told you this would be how things between the two of you would be a year ago, you would have laughed at how absurd a notion that was. you can’t believe the two of you were a couple for four years before this; you are behaving as if you’ve never met.

you swallow, take a deep breath, and then look him straight in the eyes.

“look, ross, there’s something i need to tell you.”

“i suspected,” he returns, a little too sarcastically for your liking.

you take another deep breath before deciding to brush his comment off, then say, “i…i’ve tried to think of about a million different ways to tell you this without just totally blindsiding you, but i guess that’s not really possible because i just found out myself and…and…” your eyes are starting to well up again, a couple of tears escaping and running down your face.

he starts to look alarmed now, his eyes getting wider. he adjusts his hands a little, at first looking like he’s about to extend one to you, but then remembering his place, remembering that that might no longer be appropriate, and puts them back together again. he doesn’t say anything, though, just keeps staring at you, searching your face and listening intently.

“okay, erm…i’m pregnant.”

another silence, but his face speaks volumes. obviously, he’s stunned; there is no expression, just his brown eyes still wide, his mouth a straight line. he stays quiet for about a minute, keeps his gaze right on you, eye contact not breaking. slowly, he sits up straighter in his chair, messes a little with his watch band, then takes a breath, looking out the window next to you as he does so.

“uh…” is all he can muster up. you wipe another few tears with a napkin. after you do so, he says, “okay. when did you find this out?”

“yesterday,” you say, setting the napkin back on the table now, feeling a little relief since you’ve at least spilled the beans. “got it tested through bloodwork, so it’s official.”

“okay.” he’s looking down now, continuing to mess with his watch band, not looking you in the eyes anymore. “and…okay, i’m sorry, what i’m about to say might make me sound like a massive dickhead, but you’re sure it’s mine?”

dagger straight to the heart. “oh my fucking god,” you say, starting to raise your voice a little bit, but catching yourself. “of course. do you really think i would…is that what you think of me?”

“okay, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. that was unfair.” he puts his hands up, like you’re pointing a gun at him or something. “i haven’t seen you or spoken to you since you left. it’s been, like, three months. i just had to be sure.”

you sigh. “no…it’s ok, i get it. this is…it’s just a lot for both of us.”

he scratches his nose, then puts his hands behind his neck and leans back against the chair, looking out the window again. “no, it was a stupid thing to say. i just…am shocked. and…like, you’re sure? i’m just trying to think how this could have happened.”

you can’t believe how thick he’s acting. yes, toward the end, you two had barely been having sex, and you know this comment is a petty allusion to that fact, but again, you try to keep your patience with him. “come on, ross. i know we were having issues, but…” you give him a stern look. “don’t you remember the last time? that party at george and charli’s when we both got wasted and fucked in the linen closet?”

his eyes get big again, it finally dawning on him. “oh. but…I mean you still have the iud and all that right? just because…”

“unlikely, but not impossible.”

just then, a ghastly smell from the counter hits your nose, and you feel a wave of nausea hit you again. you stand up quickly, halfway shout an “excuse me,” to ross, then run to the toilet as quickly as possible, throwing up the coffee. when you wipe your face off and rinse out your mouth with water, you look in the mirror. you look like shit, you feel like shit. you stand there and stare at yourself, furious that you’re in this situation, dreading returning to your table. but when you walk back out the door, ross is standing in the corridor, waiting on you. hands in his pockets, he looks extremely concerned.

“are you ok?”

you wipe a little sweat off your forehead, and reply, quietly, “i’ll be fine. morning sickness, i expect.”

“do you want to get out of here and go for a walk?”

“sure.”

the two of you keep your hands in your pockets as you walk side by side. you can’t help but notice how strange it feels; even toward the end you rarely walked anywhere together without his hand in yours, his thumb rubbing up and down the back. the silence between you now is a little more comfortable at least. you both know you have things you must say, but you’ve come to an understanding that, at least until you get to your destination, you can keep quiet. about twenty minutes pass before you reach a park you two would often visit when he would meet you after work and you find a bench you can sit on. when you sit down, you start to notice loads of families, many with prams. you try to imagine yourself with one, but shiver a little at the thought.

“so…um…have you decided what you’re going to do?” ross breaks the silence.

“no, i haven’t really considered all the options i suppose. still trying to let it all sink in.”

“what’s your first instinct?”

you laugh a little. “not a fucking clue. was going to see what you thought, to be honest.”

“oh, this is the thing you want my opinion on?” he retorts, and the two of you really start laughing then, a deep, refreshing chuckle you could feel in your belly. “four years with the most opinionated woman i’ve ever met who constantly reminds me she doesn’t need my thoughts, then all of a sudden a child’s in the mix and she wants me to make the decision.”

“hey,” you slap his arm, playfully. “i always take your opinion into consideration. when i ask for it.”

“oh, really? and please enlighten me, when was the last time you asked my opinion for anything? i can’t seem to recall.”

“seems like i asked you what kind of fencing we should consider for the garden when we were getting ready to start the renovation.”

“only because i was going to have to be the one to put it up.” he smiles at you sweetly as both of your laughter fades, and for a second you feel like nothing between you ever changed, that the last few months had just been a bad dream and things were how they were supposed to be. “seriously, though,” he starts again, “it’s your decision. i’ll be fine with whatever you decide. it’s your body.”

you sigh. “right now i’m thinking i’ll wait until after the first scan and then decide.”

“seems reasonable enough.”

“do you…um…do you want to come with me for that?”

“do you want me there?”

you smirk a bit. “who else would i bring along? harvey?”

he laughs again at this. “sick bastard would probably puke all over the table, make it all about himself.”

you giggle, tucking a loose piece of hair behind your ear. “is that a yes, then?”

“of course.”

you look up at him, taking in the way he smiles, the little lines around his eyes that you love so much and how much his dimples pop out. it’s killing you how much you’ve missed this, how much you’ve missed him. you have to fight back the urge to touch him, to take his hand or kiss his cheek. “thank you. and also, sorry, i guess.”

“sorry? it’s not like i’m blameless in this situation either. you do know how making a baby works, right?”

he walks you home shortly after; still contactless, another silence settles between you two, but this one is far more comfortable. you are still scared shitless, but you still feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted off your shoulders knowing that, at least for the moment, ross is not going to abandon you completely.

as you approach the steps of gemma’s building, he says, “you still look a bit green. are you sure you’ll be alright for now?”

“yeah, i think so. this has been going on for a few days now. i’m just going to try and take it easy until i have to go back to the office tomorrow.”

“when is the scan?”

“next tuesday at 2:00.”

“i can drive us there. if you want, that is.”

“i don’t think i’d mind.” you give him a small smile.

“okay…well, see you then?” he puts his hands behind his back. you can tell he is unsure how to say goodbye to you; as long as you’ve known him he’s never left you at least without a hug. but, especially with the bizarre twist of events that today has brought on, he is unsure what is allowed, and doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

“see you then.” you don’t reach out, you just turn from him and begin to walk up the stairs, seeing him walk away from the building when you talk. quick glance back. when you get back up to gemma’s flat, you hear your phone ding as you sit on the sofa, greeted by your cat, who nestles into you as you unlock your phone. it’s from ross:

i forgot to mention this, but if you need anything from me between now and tuesday, let me know. i’ll be around. xx

you smile at this, and cannot help but feel grateful that, even though your relationship with him is an absolute wreck, and you are uncertain what the future holds, that there is a small glimmer of a possibility that your lives will still be somehow entangled, at least for a little bit longer.

The next chapter of Heart Out is being an absolute menace to write for some reason , I can’t get it to flow correctly, it’s jumpy and it’s honestly just hell , so I’m sorry I haven’t posted it yet , I don’t know when it will be up, I’m trying to get it up tonight though , I hope people have enjoyed heart out so far

Again I’m sorry guys

If anyone wants to help my messages are open