The Next Chapter Of Heart Out Is Being An Absolute Menace To Write For Some Reason , I Can’t Get It

Z 🤍

zodiac sign

Thank so much

I’m a Libra

I don’t know all the much about star signs n stuff but I have noticed that I am very much like other libras that I know !!!

Menswear

Chapter 3

Mention of dysphoria and dysfunctional families

The next morning

I woke up to my alarm 7 on the dot, more startled awake then by choice. George was wrapped up in my duvet next to me, like most mornings. His hair strewn across the pillow just like a halo , like the angel he is. From as young as I can remember he’s always had the most angelic face , one I’ve wanted to kiss for the longest time, the feeling only grew stronger the older I got but I just never knew how to talk about it. Like most mornings when I woke first I just watched him sleep, so peacefully. I watched his eyes flicker, the brown in them starting to make an appearance. “You know you can just take a picture right??, it’ll last longer”, he’s a dipshit but he’s my dipshit. He scrubbed his eyes harshly to wake himself up a little then rose slowly to rest against the headboard placing one hand on my forehead probably to check my temperature. “How you feeling today lad?”.

“I feel a little better, I feel a bit stuffy and my throat feels like razors but really everything else is fine, think I just have a cold”, I was a complete mess yesterday and I know it, I feel bad that the lads had to look after me but I just seriously wasn’t feeling it and something about having someone give you all there attention feels nice even when you don’t want it. “Thanks for yesterday by the way” , I’ve always relied on the boys to help me, I depend on them as sad as that may be.

“Don’t mention it , you’d have done the same for any of us”, I would have yes!, anything for them. “Are you sure your feeling alright though , well enough for school, I know what your like”. He’s not wrong I can be a right idiot at school sometimes if I ain’t feeling right. It’s fine though.

“I’m alright yeh, get your arse up we have to get ready, my mum left your stuff in the dryer , you can go get it and I’ll get dressed yeh?” , I hopped out off bed and began to get my uniform out of my wardrobe, I heard George groan and fall back onto the bed. “Bro you gotta get up”, I picked up a hat from the computer chair next to me and flung it in his direction just missing his head and hitting the headboard. “Come on”

“Ughhh….dude five more minutes”, George is quite the challenge to wake up in the morning, once he’s out of bed he’s raring to go and always full of energy but until that point, nope. Where as I can get up but until I’ve had a coffee I’m basically a zombie. “It’s to late I’ve bonded to mattress, I have become one with the bed, there’s no saving me”

“Come on you fuckin flamingo get up”, I took a minute to look through my wardrobe for my blazer upon not finding it I swiftly ran over to George’s side of the bed and jumped on him immediately tickling his chest and any piece of skin available to me “Get up, get up , get up”, his ever present stupid high-pitched laugh soon enveloped my room and hearing it myself made me giggle with him. His laugh is always contagious. He begins thrashing around begging me to stop but I continue my attack. “I’ll stop if you get up ditwit”

“Fine, fine , okay….stop…I can’t breath…I’ll get up”, I rolled off of him in fits of giggles, struggling to breath for myself. “Your actually a fuckin nightmare you know that right, in the best way possible your a dick”, he flung the duvet off of himself which inturn made it drape over me, and as he stood up he pushed me causing me to roll off of the bed. “ hah stuuuuupid”

“Fuck you , you hobgoblin ”, again we were both laughing, the amount of random names I’ve called George over the years is insane and they still get more and more ridiculous.

Finally though he did leave and I began to get myself ready for the day, binder, shirt, trousers and shoes, still not a fuckin clue where any of my blazers are. Or my tie for that matter. Just as I was tying my shoes there was a tiny little knock on my door “Maffew, are you awake”, Shit we probably woke him up we were being kinda loud.

“Yeh I’m awake kiddo come in”, Louis pushed the door open and stuck his little head through the gap in door and slid in, bounding over the the bed. “What’s wrong kiddo?”

“I have a question”

“Ask away young padawan”, he’ll have no idea what padawan means but I jump at every chance to use that sentence .

“Well , you know how Georgie stays here a lot, does he just live wif us now and does that mean he’s like my big brother now too ?” , I sat myself down next to him after I tied my shoes and ruffled his hair as he giggled.

“No no baby, George is just Matty’s best friend and George and his daddy aren’t friends right now so he’s just taking a little break, but if you see him like a big brother that’s okay”

“Why is he not friends wif his daddy , he’s friends wif our daddy and we are friends wif our daddy, people are supposed to love their daddies” , I carefully pulled him into my lap as I chuckled, loving how his brain works and can’t see the bad side of anything.

“Just George’s daddy is a little bit grumpy and gets grumpy at George a lot and it makes George sad so he just wanted a little break for a little while, like you know when you get a little sad and you get big feelings and you don’t know how to handle them, sometimes grown-ups like Matty and George we have even bigger feelings and it’s even harder to handle so sometimes we need a break”, Louis was nodding along with me as I was chatting looking up at me with his big brown eyes, he always seemed like he knew what I was saying and taking in what I said. He then brung his hand up to his chin and scrunched his face up like he was thinking.

“Well if he needs a big hug and someone to make the big feelings better, I can help right?”

“Of course you can kiddo, well done you for using your big brain, now I think it’s breakfast time don’t you?”, he quickly nodded his head and smiled up at me as he slid off of my lap and made his way back outside, I heard him give George a high five down the hallway, Moments after George came back in tying his tie.

“Is that yours or mine, I can’t find mine”, he finished tying it then began brushing his hair while thinking about it.

“Isn’t yours in you bag with your blazer you took em off on the way home on Friday, why you don’t have more than one blazer I’ll never know but I’m pretty sure there both in your bag, also glasses on your face before we leave please”, George is literally a saviour at this point, always keeping an eye on me, keeping me in line, as does Adam, but if I wanna get up to mischief Rosso is the man to call.

“Alright dad” , I looked at him through the mirror and gave him the cheekiest smile I could muster as he rolled his eyes at me, I did however put my glasses on. “Hey George, do you think it would be weird if I wore my packer at school, I wear it sometimes but I’ve got PE today and I don’t know if that’s a smart idea??”

“Dude if it’ll make you feel good, and comfortable, go for it, Ross is in your Gym class right, so that way if anyone says anything gentle giant is there to help”

“Uh-huh. Em alright, I’ll be back in a minute then”, I picked up my small bag the has my STP (a device that helps trans men use the toilet standing up, it can sit in your boxers and it can also help you feel less dysphoria because it creates the illusion that you have a slight bulge where it’s supposed to be, it’s very helpful), and scurry to the bathroom , in the bathroom I fix up my STP , brush my teeth, apply deodorant, I haven’t had a shower in a while my heads just not been in a good place and having to shower , see myself naked really isn’t something I’ve wanted to be faced with right now. Once I’ve checked that everything looks right and I’m happy with it I head back through to my bedroom, George is now laying back on the bed fully dressed and phone in hand.

“All set”, I mumble a quick “yes” and slide back onto the bed next to him.

“Can I ask you something”

“Go ahead man”

“Well uh…. I know you’ve probably noticed ….so I don’t really know why I’m telling you…but I ain’t showered since like Wednesday night and I know that’s rank…..” I watched George place his phone down on the bed as I started talking and he turned his full attention to me

“Cuz you haven’t been feeling all that great right now, right, dysphoria beating your ass??” He interrupted before I could even finish. Not that I minded.

“Yeh , how did you know?”

George paused for a moment to think about what to say, looking at me deeply. “You’ve just got these little tells I guess, like it’s always pretty obvious , well to me at least , when your feeling like that, I’ve been around you often enough to notice them”

“Really??, like what!?”

“It depends where you are” , he slightly shrugged his shoulders and scrubbed a hand over his face then began talking again,” when you’re at school and it comes on you get really irritable but very quiet you know like , everyone irritates you and you get all hopped up and want to fight everyone”, hearing that causes me to giggle a little bit because he’s really not wrong. “But your like also dead quiet when your around us at school or you just don’t go , but when your at home and feel shitty, you tend to kind of just go off the rails a little and not look after yourself, not sleeping a wink , you don’t eat, and just constantly try to keep yourself distracted but stay in bed all day being really clingy with me”

“Oh , I…uh….I didn’t know I was clingy….I’m sorry”, hearing that I get clingy with George without even realising it makes me feel bad because as I’ve said I hate relying on others to feel good.

“Hey lad ….don’t apologise, I’m just glad I can help, come on, your mum made porridge for breakfast, we can have breakfast and get going, where running late”, George got off the bed, the grace of a gazelle and helped me off. “Anyway where were you going with the conversation, I kind of interpreted you?”

I ruffled my hair again as we left my room , closing my door behind me. “Oh uh , nevermind it’s okay it doesn’t matter, it’s not important”, I pray to every god that he doesn’t continue asking but I know he will he always does.

“Come on , it must have been important if you mentioned it , please come on you can tell me” , we both trundled done the stairs heavy footed , like a heard of elephants.

“ um I was , uh , just going to ask if you could like maybe help me , like shower tonight , I’ll close the curtain obviously but just sit in with me and talk to me, keep me distracted”

“If that’s what you need then that’s what I’ll do, that is important Matty , don’t just shrug off your feelings okay , especially if they’re important enough that they’ll affect your mood okay , please don’t.” , I just nodded as we got to the kitchen and sat down next to each other

casino matty bluetooth vibe i'm having visions

anything for you mads xx

your arms are braced tightly against the sink. you're leaning down, breathing raggedly and mouth tightening to avoid making a sound. your muscles spasm and tighten as you come for nearly the hundredth time. you lost count ages ago. it's practically all just a blur of pleasure now, orgasms occurring in rapid succession.

you turn around to look towards the group and find matty's gaze already on yours, taunting and glinting with delicious cruelty. he return to dealing the cards and conversing with the players, but you see the grin on his face and his tongue sticking out against his bottom lip cheekily.

you focus hard to tune into the conversation at hand, and nearly collapse with relief when you hear the group mentioning that this would be their last game.

you're practically a zombie, moving on auto-pilot as pleasure consumes you completely. you feel the vibrator suddenly increase in speed, and you have to clasp a hand to your mouth to prevent moaning.

your eyes are clenched impossibly tight. you fight to open them and see matty grinning at your suffering with his hand in his pocket, the group chatting and slowly packing up their things.

you turn around and walk back towards the sink, unable to muster the strength to speak with them. the vibrator continues at the faster pace as you pretend to clean dishes to the noises of the group leaving and saying their goodbyes.

you hear matty's boots step along the floor as he approaches you, and you're so overstimulated that when he reaches out to embrace you, tears begin to stream down your face. you breathe in his familiar scent, and collapse into his chest as he holds you up.

you shake in his arms as he coos, his ring-clad hand stroking your hair. you sniffle against his shirt, and your arms reach out to claw against him, desperate to brace yourself against something.

he reaches down to tip your chin up to him, looking down at you with reverence. you think he might tell you did well, give you a kiss before removing the vibrator, and walking you back to your room.

instead, he grins, deadly and bright. "one more time for me, princess," he tells you.

you nearly burst into tears once more. you shake your head vehemently, stammering "no, no, matty, please, i can't-"

"shhh, love. what did i say about the backtalk?" your mind flashes back lying over his lap, gazing at the bruises of his initialed ring against your skin, his soft voice matched with his deliciously hard strikes.

he gazes into your eyes for a moment, waiting for you to utter the word you know will make him stop immediately. but you don't. you'd never stop this in a million years, and he knows that just as well.

"yes, sir" you nod, defeated and near tears once more.

"good girl," matty says, pressing a kiss to your hair. he reaches into his pocket and turns the vibrator up one final time. if you had the ability to think, you'd be surprised it could increase anymore. but your mind is long gone, overwhelmed with pleasure and stimulation. your blood is burning, the feeling of the vibrations driving you nearly mad.

matty's arms hold tight around you as you tremble, your chest rising up and down rapidly. you claw at his back uselessly, and your legs nearly give out below you. you can feel his gaze upon you, watching your blissed out expression with rapt, predatory attention.

that coil deep within you begins to tighten once more, and as he mutters, "that's it, good girl," your orgasm overtakes you. your body is limp, and you lie like a doll in his arms. you feel his hands trace against your skin as he murmurs praise in your ear.

a dopey smile overtakes your face as you lie still, overwhelmed with the pleasure and the feeling of him. you lean into him, and use the ounce of strength you have remaining to press a kiss to where his shirt exposes his chest.

one of his hands caresses softly from your waist to your core. you let out a whimper as he brushes over your overstimulated clit and carefully removes the vibrator. he pauses, and then his hand slowly moves lower, and you gasp as it gets closer to your bottom. it hesitates before just so slightly entering you, only the tip brushing within. your eyes practically roll into the back of your head.

you feel his mouth crest against your ear. his breath is hot as he speaks. "next time i might just have this pretty little hole plugged up as well."

Word counts : 1328

No warning for this really

Also I’m sorry this is so bad , I just needed a filler and wanted a small snippet and G and Hann then some sibling love , so this is just really random

BUT HOPEFULLY THERES ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT THEN THE BOYS WILL BE TOGETHER I KNOW THATS WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

"When can I come see you?", We'd come off of the call a few hours ago as my dad had come home, we'd kept in contact all day though because I didn't want to leave him. I know he's been sat with his mum and brother since and he seems to be doing alright. He told me they all made dinner together and that he'd actually eaten something which is also really good.

Matty: Darlin, you can come whenever you'd like, when do your holidays start ?

I'm currently sat basically hanging out of my window with a joint in my hands, feeling like I just want to hold him. I've been thinking about it since he told me earlier and the more I think about it the more I just need to be there. I've given myself a headache thinking about it which is quite funny really. The joint is helping calm my nerves a little

George : I'm sure they start next week but you've got exams for the next month, I don't want to distract you?

I hate the feelings that I'm having right now, I've never really been a clingy person. When I'm with people I know then maybe I am , but just maybe. With Matty everything is different I don't quite understand what that means. I was never this clingy with Laura and we dated for so long. It makes my head swim, why is this so different to everything I've ever experienced before. Maybe this is what other people feel when there in love, you know how they describe it in this corny romance movies. This is maybe how Adam feel with Carly. I should ask him.

I pull up Adam's contact and press the call button waiting fidgeting with my lighter while I wait for him to pick up

Adam: Hiya G , you alright ?

George: Alright Hann, yeh I'm alright, I just really need to talk to you about something

Adam:  What's up G?

George : I need to ask you something but promise you won't take the piss okay?

Adam: When do I ever?

George: Never, but like I'd understand if you did with what I'm about to ask you

Adam: Just ask me G

George: Alright fine , you know before you got with Carlz how did you feel , like how did you know you liked her.

Adam: I don't know , I just liked her didn't I , like she was just always around and she made me happy I suppose

George: Did you ever feel like you wanted to be with her like all the time and just like I don't know , like feel emotional when she was upset or something even though wasn't your place too.

Adam: G I love you bro but I really don't know what your getting at, what are you trying to ask me?

George: Arghhh fuck

I wrack my hands through my hair and my nails scrape against my skull as I lightly pull on my roots like I'm trying to pull my thoughts from my brain

George: I'm just trying to understand what's going on in my head, I really really like Matty and I feel like I'm being so clingy and annoying and too much but ....I don't know if it's because I'm overthinking it because I like him or if it's because I just wish I could help him.

Adam: Why is being clingy a bad thing , and why is wanting to help him a bad thing?

George : I just don't want to be too much Ad !

Adam: Has the lad said your being too much ? Cuz if he hasn't then I'm sure everything is fine

George: No he hasn't said anything about being annoyed at me or anything but ....that doesn't mean he isn't , I just really like him ..... and like what if I get to much and when he's upset or something and it messes things up.

Adam: G, please trust me on this , I'm sure your doing an amazing job, okay!?

George: I'm trying to trust you, my heads just all over the place right now Hann, that's all

Adam: Give yourself a break man !,

George : I'll really try , but uh yeh I'm just gunna go now I've got stuff to do and gotta look after Gracey and Lucie , Thanks man , I know I'm being difficult but thank you!!

Adam: It's alright G , love ya man

“Geor !!!!!” Little Gracie came barging into my room just as I was finishing the call with Adam “there’s a spider in the bathroom Geo, fix it !!!”, I then say a quick goodbye to Adam again before hanging up and pick Gracey up holding her on my waist “there’s a Spider , is there ?”

“Yeh it’s so big, it’s like this big”, she indicates the size by stretching her arms out.

“Wow that is gigantic ay?” , I can just see her nodding with her little blonde ringlets bouncing. And she’s clinging to me as we make our way to the bathroom. “Can you show me where it is Gracey?”

“No no no , I don’t want to see it again, it’s just in there”, I let Gracey climb down from me as she stands at the bathroom door pointing at where she saw the creature “right there Geo”

After finding the perpetrator and setting it free outside obviously because you can’t kill it , no matter how scared you are of the things you can’t kill them according to little Gracey “it’s just mean to kill them” , even though she didn’t want to see it skittering around she had to check the tissue in my hand for evidence that I “hadn’t crushed it with my tree trunk hands”

Lucie had joined us at this point coming to see what all the commotion was about “what are you guys up too” , stood at the front door, homework in hand , looking like the proper little Miss that she is. “Is that a Spider ?”

“Yeah, Gracey was scared so I’m just setting it free”

“Why are you scared of it Gracey , it’s just an insect , even though your just little you’re bigger than it is so you would be more scary to it then you are if it?”

“When did you get so smart ay, your both so grown up , when did that happen”

“I’m 7 George , I’m a big girl now , but Gracey is only 5 she’s not a grown up yet”, Lucie is genuinely so grown up and would literally do everything by herself if she could , so grown up , short brown hair that used to be likely Graceys blonde ringlets. Blue eyes which is weird because we all have brown eyes. Shes even quite tall for her age, nearly tallest in her class. She’s so independent, knows so much about everything and anything. Where as Gracey just a little bundle of clingy and joyous giggles ; she looks up to me big time not the blow my own whistle but she wants to be just like me. There both so damn intelligent though.

“That’s very true Luce , let’s get back inside yeh , Gracey you can watch TV and I’m going to help Luce with her homework okay?”

“Oki Geo”

“George I don’t need help, it’s just reading”

I hurdle them back inside after closing the door, I set up CBeebies up on the TV for Gracey and pull Lucie up in my lap as we sit down, she does thrash around a little trying to get me off her but she settles “I know it’s just reading Luce, but I want to see how good you can read it can you do that for me?”

“You know I can George”

I’m sorry but he’s so gorgeous, I actually adore him

Feeling very Matty with this outfit today

Blurb idea like maybe when they are in a relationship george is like matty u need a hair cut but he agrees to george cutting it if he lets matty do the same to him

See first off I see them just playing FIFA or watching a documentary on the TV and Matty is laying on George’s lap while George threads his hand through Mattys hair but his fingers keep getting caught in knots so he looks down at him as Matty is falling asleep and he’s like “Hey love ! I think it might be time for a haircut again”, in Mattys sleep addled brain he just nods not really hearing what’s George says

But the next day when there out George stops outside a barber Matty is like “what are we doing “, George then retells Matty agreed to last nigh but Matty is stood shaking his head “I don’t want to George , I like my hair like this” ,

“But it’s getting long love it getting knotty”

“I can just brush it more”

George then explains that everything will be okay, and the he’s getting his hair cut too so there’s nothing to worry about , they can get it done together, quickly an idea builds in Mattys head and George can tell he’s thinking “what’s that face about huh?”

“I’ll get my hair cut if you do it , I can do your too”, he’s smiling at George now and George can’t really see why it would be a bad idea for them to do it for each other because if they mess up it’s fine they can both just buzz it.

“Alright”

So later on the day

A laughter can be heard trailing through the loft that they share together and laughter along with a drowned buzzing, Matty was stood over George and George is sat on the floor in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his shoulders so that hair could be collected easier

“So how would you like your hair today Mr Daniel?” Matty enquired just like he was an actual barber.

“How about you just buzz it love , that’ll be new and easier to control “ Matty was stood for a second contemplating the idea, trying to imagine what it would look like then he slowly brings the clippers to George’s hair a begins his art work. Still pretending he’s a barber

“Any plans this weekend then”

“Just studio work really and date night with Matty, that’s why I’m getting a haircut, he should be through next” , Matty laughed along with him smiling at the prospect of Date night, they’d been so busy lately that they hadn’t gotten to do much together as of late. When he was finished George’s hair he put the clippers down and carefully pulled him up to see in the mirror

“Do you like it”

“I love it Matty , thank you, it’s your turn now”

Matty takes George’s place on the floor slightly nervous “can we just put it a little bit shorter, I don’t want it to short and maybe just tidy up the sides” , he was combing through his hair explaining to George how he’d like it and how it needs to be done

“That I can do love”

I don’t know if anyone knows the lyrics to this song but the chorus and bridge are just everything , and it gave me such a good idea for a one shot or miniseries tha G has a really terrible girlfriend and confides in Matty all the time (young them btw again ), and one night Matty just let his feeling slip for G and they end up doing stuff and then Gs gf finds out and then the lyrics from the chorus is what he said

“t's not my fault

You know what's done is done

She wanted me, let it be

We were still so young

Wish I could say that "Sorry, I'm wrong"

But it's not my fault that you got cheated on”

Chapter 16

Word Count :1291

This is another short chapter to have something written this is Matty and Denise

Just parents caring : mention of slight eating disorder

Matty's POV

"Matty your mums here for you", Ross informs me when he comes back with another cup of coffee, he made me one but I guess if mums here I'll have to leave it and he can have it later. I clamber of his bed sighing as I go as I'd just gotten comfy and I don't want to go I hug him goodbye and he tells me to let him know if I need anything.

I grab my rucksack from the door and make my way outside seeing my mum waiting for me outside of the car she came over to me and folds me into her arms "hiya son" , I half hug her , she only just saw me this morning it's not like I've been gone for days .

"You saw this morning mum , you alright?", I smile at her trying to make the situation a little lighter because I know it's just going to be a handful later.

"I'm alright sweetheart , why don't you jump in and we'll have a chat yeh ?" . As she got in the car I got in the other side immediately hit with the volume of the radio

"Shit Ma , could you turn that down Jesus , why's it so loud ?", She looked at me like I had three heads then reached for the stereo turning it down for me. Then starts up the car, waving goodbye to Ross

"It was even that loud Matty, So what's going then?, Ross said your having a hell of a time right now". I really don't want to get into it right now, so I just shrug and lean my head against the window feeling the vibrations going right through me, closing my eyes so I can drown out everything around "Come on love I can see it myself, Can you please be honest with me ?"

"It's just a whole load of everything Mum, Where do you want me to start"

We drive for a while and just talking about everything and anything I can to help her understand what's going on in my head , talking about school and how I'm scared that everything is changing, how much I hate how everything is affecting me, that it's a constant battle everyday to just be okay and she'll listening to me. Not interrupting me , just listening. I don't tell her about the drugs though because I know she'll be upset and I don't want to upset her . She pulls up to the Mcdonalds drive through both mum and dad know that it's where I like to get coffee it's quick and easy.

"Did Ross feed you love !", why did I just know that was coming. I shake my head no but let her know that Ross did try but I argued that I wouldn't want it if he did because I wasn’t hungry, my appetite is just gone

"Love you've barley eaten in like 3 days , do we need to go see Dr Adrian again?". Dr Adrian was the doctor my parents had taken me too when I started having food issues , he gave me supplements to help me get back on track and they did a fine job but since maybe January I just haven't had the best appetite, It got easier to hide as time went on I suppose. "We can see him again you know , he'll help you get back on track".

"Nah , I don't want too , I'm just not that hungry right now" . She still pulled up anyway "Can't I just get a coffee Ma."

"I'll get you a coffee but you need to get something to eat you can save it for later but I'd like to see you get something to eat please" . We're just at the drive in the person has already asked us what we'd like I swear this is just the most awkward this could be

"Alright fine uh , I don't know just get me a cheeseburger then and a Toffee Latte" . Literally even at the thought of eating my stomach is churning but if it's what my Mum needs then so be it.

"Right wasn't that easy", My mum orders food for herself as-well, I go straight for the coffee once it's handed to us the warmth of the cupboard cups really relaxes my hands feels like a warm hand in mine.

"Thanks" . I left the cheeseburger is the bag for now as my Mum drove off, I don't quite know where she's going yet but I'm sure I'll learn soon enough. "Hey Ma?"

"Yes Son?", She looks at me while she's driving quizzical look on her face.

"What's going on with you and Dad?". I've never brung it up with them but I know they've been arguing a lot, and dad sleeps on the couch at night, when he's home that is. I know she cries most nights

"Nothing that I need you to worry about Son , it's just marriage stuff that everyone has , we'll sort it , but I need you not to worry"

"But I do worry Mum, you know uh Ross thinks it might be anxiety, that's why everything stresses me out, do you think I might be able to get help with that" , shes looking at me again but she seems happy that there's things that could help.

"Anxiety is something that we can get you help for but it's not going to be easy and we won't always know what to do but there is ways , we can see if Dr Adrian can help with that". We're on our way home now I think. "We can talk to your dad as-well if you like and we'll work on it together love"

"That sounds good Mum , but don't tell dad everything, can we leave some stuff for dads sake I don't want him to get all protective like he does" , I love my dad and he's always protective when things go wrong and he's so good at everything but when he gets protective he gets all weird

"Right love I'm glad you've spoken to me but I really need you to keep being honest with me, talking to me when your feeling upset or scared okay?"

"I'll try mum I promise" , we pull up outside the house and once we're inside I tell mum I’m going for a shower I feel groggy even though I haven't even done anything, and on my way I decide to message George , I haven't spoken to him all day and I actually miss him

I send him a message "hiya George , I'm sorry I haven't spoken all day, today got really busy and I spent a lot of time talking with people about what's going on, but I'm going to be honest with you right now too , I missed you" , I know I don't even know him and it can be weird missing someone you've never met but I do, it's really helped having him to talk too , he doesn't know my past so doesn't bring stuff up that others might. After sending the text I just hop in the shower and take my time to have an actual proper good shower. Shampooing and Conditioning my hair , lathered up in soap I'm finally feel clean. The heat is really relaxing I wish I could stay here forever. Once I've finished, I jump out and brush my teeth and comb my hair a little staying wrapped in my towel I climb onto my bed and just lay there for a while. It's calming just laying in the quiet in the dark of your own room nothing to think about

This is so people get to know me a little

1. are you named after anyone?- I mean kinda but also no , there’s this one YouTuber who I was obsessed with when I was picking my name so I kinda used his first name

2. when was the last time you cried?- yesterday while watching the Finsbury live stream when Tim Healy came out and sang

3. do you have kids?- don’t have any right now but I’d love to one day

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?- all the fuckin time apparently

5. what sports do you play/have played?- I used to play football for my school , I used to be in a basketball team when I was in primary school but I don’t really do sports anymore

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?- there hair or smile , but also love to look at peoples shoes because shoes tell a lot about people

7. what's your eye color?- Blue - and they get a little brighter when I cry it scares people sometimes

8. scary movies or happy endings?- I don’t really have a preference I love all movies I’m a little movie buff ig

9. any special talents?- not specifically, maybe I pick up languages quick

10. where were you born?- Scotland

11. what are your hobbies?- skating , writing and listening to music , my favourite thing is to write , I’m not very good at it but I looooove it none the less

12. do you have any pets?- IVE got a little kitten named Count Olaf after Count Olaf from A series of unfortunate events

13. how tall are you?- I want to say 5’8 but I haven’t checked in a while

14. favorite subject?- omg I love history and English and any language class like omgl I hated school but when I had history English it languages fuck me uppppp

15. dream job?- either An author or a drummer in a band/ producer because George Daniel is my favourite human on this planet and I wanna be like him sooo much