I Don’t Feel Grown Up Enough At My Big Age (23 ) To Be Going To An Embassy To Be Picking Something

38 for body piercer!matty 🤍

Red Handed!

38- “want help with that?”

Body Piecer! Matty: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 

Teehee for the sake of convenience they live together in this one. Thank you for the request!! I genuinely get so excited when I get any requests for body piercer <3

Contains: 2k of just a detailed depiction of Matty touching himself…my bad, him getting caught jerking off (with her panties), her watching him get off, dirty talk, spit play, facial 

WC: ~3.2k

Matty’s POV

Matty can hardly contain himself from the second he steps inside your shared flat, it’s like he’s burning up from the inside. The whole drive home from the piercing shop he’d been uncomfortably aware of the straining against his boxers. Why? Because you’d so kindly slipped a pair of your panties into one of his pockets for him to find.

In your defense, you really didn’t think he would find them at work. Luckily for him, it was towards the end of his shift, just as he was finishing up with his last client. He had reached into his pockets to rest his hands there when he felt a soft, lacy fabric tickling at his fingertips. He’d tried his hardest to keep a straight face as he was talking the customer through the piercing care process, feeling at the fabric to try and figure out if something had gotten stuck in there when doing the laundry. With an instructional packet bestowed upon the man and a shaking of hands, the client left, allowing Matty to hurry into the back room to investigate. He swears he had almost groaned out loud when he’d fished out the pair of your panties, thumbing over the lacy fabric as he stared at them with wide eyes. Immediately, he recognized them as the ones he’d pulled off of you with his teeth last night. 

“Fuck…” he’d murmured, already feeling a stir in his cargo pants and a flush of heat roll through his body, “that little minx wants to kill me.”

He’d shoved the underwear into one of the side pockets of his pants and zipped it closed so he wouldn’t be tempted to take them out again. Matty ran a slightly trembling hand through his mohawk, hissing out a breath between his teeth as he forced himself to pull it together and focus on the closing procedures… which he rushed through, he’ll admit that much. His coworkers had watched as he raced around the shop, exchanging glances with each other as he preemptively fumbled with his car keys (that have far too many key chains attached to them) before dashing out the door with an “okayseeyoumatesgoodnight!”. He’d forgotten to even put on music in the car on the way home, that’s how distracted he was.

Now, he’s sat on the couch with the TV on, sitting with his legs spread as he tries to ignore how unfathomably horny he is. One of his legs impatiently bounces up and down as he continues to remind himself that you’ll be home in a few hours, that he’s not a teenager and he has the self-control to wait until then. But god damn, he’s so aware of the fact that your panties are sitting in his pocket, they might as well be burning a hole through the fabric. Matty bites his lip, the image flashing through his mind like a ricocheting bullet as he thinks back to the look on your face when he’d bit down on the waistband of your underwear and dragged them down your legs. He lives for those moments when you look at him with lustful wonderment, he’d do anything to steal your breath away like you do to him so often. He groans at the dull throb that resounds from the protrusion down his thigh, tilting his head back against the cushions. He can’t even remember what movie he’d put on. 

Just a little relief… he thinks to himself as he allows one hand to slide down over his band t-shirt slowly, skimming down his chest and over his stomach until it settles over the subtle bulge in his trousers. Tingles erupt under his fingertips. Matty licks his lips, dragging the tip of his pierced tongue over his plump bottom lip as he begins to ever so slightly tease himself. It’s far, far too hot in the room, his clothes which are normally so comfortable feel as though they’re suffocating him. The pressure at his crotch is almost unbearable, it’s the only thing he can focus on besides how much he wishes you were here. His cock twitches under his ginger touch, he doesn’t have to undress to know that by this point, beads of precum have soaked into his boxers. His lips part with a quiet gasp as he slowly strokes his fingers over himself, looking up at the ceiling almost like he’s begging for forgiveness for being so wanton. But he deserves this, doesn’t he? You must have wanted this, after all.

The movie continues as background noise, muffled by the sound of Matty’s heartbeat pumping in his ears, his blood roaring in his veins. He traces his fingers up and down along the outline of his erection, it’s not nearly enough to satiate himself. He should stop, he knows he should stop, but it feels so fucking good. His brows draw together with bliss as he gets bold enough to squeeze himself roughly through his pants, feeling a rush of sensation spread deep inside him as his hips jump forward into his palm. He curses under his breath, his eyes fluttering closed as he tries to pace himself, his chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. Of course, it wasn’t the first time he’d touched himself to you. Hell, he’d shamefully jerked off to the thought of you the night after he’d pierced your tits, all because he couldn’t get you out of his head. He’d vowed he’d never do it again, but he’s just a man after all. He spent many nights with just him, his right hand, and a lingering nip of guilt while he relived every second of you being at the shop. Maybe he’d admit that to you someday if he was intoxicated enough. 

“Fuck it,” he grumbles to himself, now hastily fumbling with his belt to undo it as his eyes snap open with determination. 

He doesn’t even bother to slide his trousers all the way down, he just tugs them down along with his boxers just enough to pull out his weeping, throbbing cock. Matty lets out a shuddering breath of relief to be free from the confines of too many layers, running his thumb tentatively over the angrily flushed tip. Gathering the pearly beginnings of his release, he hisses at the sensitivity of his dick having been neglected for too long. 

To keep the fabric out of the way, he brings the hem of his shirt up to his mouth, biting down and keeping it between his teeth. Matty allows himself to wrap his hand around the head, dragging the slickness of his precum down his shaft, feeling the protruding veins against his palm. Once he reaches his base, he languidly strokes upward again, twisting his wrist just like how you usually do it. He groans, the sound slightly muffled as he grits his teeth against the hem of his shirt, allowing his memories of you getting him off to puppeteer his hand. It never feels as good as yours, but it’s enough to offer him what he’s itching for. 

Matty begins to move faster, finding his sensual rhythm as he constricts his fingers harder around his cock, another spurt of precum spilling from the tip. He times the pumps of his hand with the needy upstrokes of his hips rolling into his fist to chase the crescendo of sensation, of pure relief. Beads of sweat gather on his forehead like a sheen across his skin as the tension pleasantly builds, permeating through his whole body. 

“Oh, fuck,” he murmurs, reaching into his pocket with his free hand to toy with your panties while pleasuring himself. 

His fingers twist at the lace as he continues to stroke himself harder and faster, his chest heaving. He breathes out your name into the empty room between pants for breath, his heart racing as he feels himself inch closer to euphoria. Normally, he’d slow down and tease himself a bit longer, prolonging his pleasure to make the release feel that much better. But not tonight. Tonight, he can’t stand the idea of being kept any longer from the sweet remedy to the ache in his bones. His moans get unabashedly louder, his eyes rolling back as his hips jerk upwards with more urgency to the point that he’s almost fucking his fist. So completely lost in the moment, he doesn’t catch the sound of the front door being unlocked… 

Your POV

With a quiet sigh, you unlock the door and push it open, feeling exhaustion weighing you down like it was trying to drag you to the floor. You couldn’t lie, you were pretty relieved when you found out the after-work drinks with your coworkers were canceled. It had been a long day, and really, the only thing that was keeping you going was thinking about coming home to your gorgeous mohawked boyfriend. Especially because now you get to surprise him by getting back early, it was perfect material for a cozy night in. 

Placing your keys on the counter next to his, you begin to stretch your arms over your head only to freeze in your tracks when you hear it. You can almost feel your ears prick up at the sound of a deep moan spilling from Matty’s lips, a sound you’ve come to know very well. Just like that, you’ve found your second wind, a flood of warmth overcoming you and waking up your every nerve. Realization simmers in you as it clicks that he must have discovered the “treat” you’d left for him.

Your feet are carrying you through your flat before you can process it, walking on your toes to keep your presence a secret. You follow the sounds of rustling fabric and breathless, pornographic grunts, your heart thrumming against your ribs faster with every step. Peeking around the corner into your shared living space, that’s when you find him, your stomach instantly swooping at the sight. His head is tilted back against the cushions, eyes squeezed shut so can’t see the look of pure lust cross your face as you stare at his diligently working hand. You lean against the wall, exhaling a shuddering breath as you resist the urge to instantly jump onto his lap and take over for him. You instead slowly drink in the eye candy before you: his shirt caught in his teeth, the lace of your panties poking out of the pocket that his hand is shoved in, the way his hips are writhing against the couch. It was too perfect for words to describe. Not to mention how fucking good he sounds, being so carelessly vocal. It feels like your whole body is buzzing, heat pooling in you almost embarrassingly quickly as a shiver skitters up your spine. You’re already soaked as you watch him with your mouth dropped open. Then, you hear your name like a prayer on his lips and you just can’t help yourself.

“Want help with that?” you call out to him. 

Matty shouts out a shocked “fuck me!”, his eyes snapping open as he lets his shirt fall from his mouth, hurriedly using the fabric to cover himself. In a panic, he sits up ramrod straight only to find you casually leaning against the wall, a little coy smile painted on your lips. He groans, covering his face with slightly trembly hands as he tries to calm his racing heart. 

“Fuckin’ hell. Scaring me half to death like that, the fuck… can’t have a wank in peace,” he mutters, dragging his hands down his face as he looks over at you with exaggeratedly weary eyes. 

You can’t help but laugh a bit at his distress, striding over to him and dropping to your knees before your boyfriend. Apologetically you lean up to kiss him on the lips, whispering a muffled “‘m sorry” against them while cupping his flushed face. His breath is hot against your mouth as you pull away, Matty’s chest still rising and falling quickly with shallow breaths. 

“Hello to you too…” he murmurs, a lively glint flashing in his eyes while he shakes his head at you with playful disapproval. 

“You having fun without me?” you whisper, pouting your lips at him.

“Oh, don’t act so innocent now. Have you got any idea how these ended up in here?” Matty smiles wolfishly, pulling your panties out from his pocket to dangle them in front of your face off of one finger. 

“I’ve never seen those before.”

“No? That’s odd, ‘cause I distinctly remember you begging me to take them off you last night.”

You sputter with the lack of a comeback, cheeks flushing at the reminder of your neediness. Instead of fighting him with wits, you take the panties from his hand and toss them to the side, ridding you of the barrier between your lips and his. You kiss him hard, making Matty groan against your mouth as you stay kneeling between his spread legs, slotting your lips against his in a clash of teeth and tongues. His hands find your hair, inhaling you deeply while he knots his fingers into your tresses. You kiss until you both need to come up for air, left breathless and staring into each other’s eyes with intention. 

“You didn’t have to stop,” you whisper, the implication of your statement not lost on him in the slightest. 

Matty’s eyes light up as smugness pulls at his lips. He nips at your lower lip with his teeth, tugging at it before letting go to tease you, of course. He’s never dry of silver-tongued comments that make you blush to your roots. 

“You wanna watch me touch myself? Dirty girl. You like shit like that, don’t you?” he chuckles lowly. 

A soft moan slips past your lips at his words, your hands moving down to his thighs, running over them in encouragement as you feel your body only getting warmer. He leans in and captures your lips sweetly before gently putting his hands on your shoulders and easing you into kneeling down in front of him. You pliantly allow him to move you, leaning your cheek against his knee as you stare up at him adoringly. Matty coos at the sight of you, running his thumb over your cheek with gentle appreciation, a of reprieve amidst the rush. 

He fully takes his shirt off this time, tossing it to the side in a heap on the couch. He sighs out as he looks down at his cock resting heavily against his stomach, leaking precum near his colorful rose tattoo. You watch as Matty grabs himself at his base, feeling a flutter between your thighs while he begins to slowly stroke himself while looking down at you with half-lidded eyes burning into you.

“Spit on it for me, sweetheart,” he whispers, gesturing towards his cock with a nod. 

Your breath hitches in your throat at the blunt request, because god damn. Without a moment of hesitation, you lean upwards, gathering saliva in your mouth. The whine you make as he taps his tip against your bottom lip is simply obscene. Matty smirks as he smugly observes the string of his precum connecting your lips to his cock. Sticking your tongue out, you allow a few drips of spit to land on the flushed head, blinking up at him prettily as it dribbles down his shaft. A low groan rumbles in his chest while he strokes your hair, holding his dick steady for you with a tightening grip. With the last of your saliva, you lean down and properly spit on his tip, making Matty hum with approval. 

“Atta girl,” he murmurs, feeling himself twitch in his hand while he reaches to gather the slickness. 

And, god, he knows how to put on a good show. You watch from the floor, your cheek smushed against his knee while he keeps his legs spread wide. Matty fists his cock with vigor, staring down into your eyes with such intensity that you feel as though you may shatter. You’re completely lost in his rhythm, the writhing of his body, his every grunt and gasp. You gaze at him hazily, trying to commit this moment to memory and file it away for a lonely night. He’s finding himself teetering on the edge much quicker with you watching him, knowing you’re tracking his every move. It’s exhilarating.

"Shit. You look so pretty down there," he smiles, playing with your hair with his free hand.  

“Does it feel good?” you purr, keeping one hand tracing little patterns on his thigh. 

“Mmm, you know it does, angel. Not as good as you do though. Nothing’s as tight as that sweet cunt of yours.”

Your head tilts forward with a longing groan and Matty just laughs breathlessly, knowing the effect he has on you. The urge to satiate yourself in any way is burning you up from the inside, but you behave, squirming slightly on the ground while your thighs press together. You watch as his face screws up with the tension of his impending release.

“Oh, fuck…” he hisses, “gonna cum, baby. Where do you want me?”

You move quickly, wordlessly leaning up and opening your mouth, sticking out your tongue with a flair of sensuality. Matty grins lazily, his eyes glinting with the pride of you being his perfect girl. With a few more rushed pumps of his cock and breathy, repeated swears, he lets out a loud, guttural moan and loses control, the tension inside him snapping with a sense of sweet relief. He watches hazily as his thick ropes of cum land on your tongue, some spurting onto your cheek and your chin despite his efforts to aim steady. You shudder, feeling his warm release grace your skin as you have the pleasure of seeing him fall apart before your eyes. He gives himself one last drawn-out stroke before letting go, chasing his breath as his body goes limp against the couch cushions. He peers down at you, drunk on his orgasm as you swallow the saltiness on your tongue. Matty slowly reaches and wipes away the stray drips on your chin with his thumb. 

“Sorry ‘bout that, sweet girl,” he whispers, placing his soiled thumb on your lips for you to clean, like he knows you will. 

You graciously take his thumb into your mouth, licking and sucking away the last of his cum like you’re simply starving for it. Matty’s eyes crinkle at the corners as he observes you quietly, not hiding how he’s loving every second of this. Once you’ve finished, you release his thumb with a pop, a clear craving for approval written all over your face. His heart swells in his chest at the sight of you.

“C’mere. I’ll show you what happens to girls who use their knickers to be menaces to their boyfriends,” he roars, grasping you at your sides to tickle you as he pulls you up onto his lap in a fit of giggles. 

—----------------------

I watched a couple of the consumption clips for this… for PURELY RESEARCH PURPOSES. Don’t look at me like that. 

🐝anon the shirt between his teeth bit goes out to you queen, that concept has never left my mind dude 

let me come home

content warnings: f! reader, angst, fluff, smut, sex toys, unprotected p in v sex, oral sex m receiving, oral sex f receiving, drug mentions (weed and ecstasy)

word count: 3.7k

Your sneakers squeak on the pristine tile floor of the hotel lobby as you hurry to the elevator. With your hoodie over your head, you look down at your phone.

“1221” says the most recent text. You whip your head up long enough to smile at the elevator attendant and tell him where you’re headed. Inside the small box, you feel flustered; claustrophobic with excitement and anxiety and anticipation. When you reach the twelfth floor, you dart out quicker than is polite and look behind you as you scan the room numbers in front of you. 17, 19, 21. You look to both sides again before knocking twice. Finally, the door swings open and you’re face to face with a jogger-clad Matty. He looks soft around the edges, worn-out. It’s probably the jet lag. He beams at the sight of you and you push past him into the room.

“Did you get the pigs in a blanket?” you ask him once you’ve left your shoes at the door. His face falls and his brows furrow.

“What kind of greeting is that?” he returns. You look at him blankly in a stalemate.

“They said it will be 45 minutes,” he relents. Your face lights up and you greet him with a kiss on the cheek. And the neck. Matty wraps his arms around you and leans down to kiss the top of your head. The sweet floral scent of your hair fills his lungs, intoxicating him more than any joint or drink could.

“Not to get you all riled up, but I sprung for some orange juice as well,” he says into your hair. You chuckle good-naturedly and lean up to meet his lips in a homecoming kiss. Your skin begins to sing as he kisses you back insistently, parting your lips with his tongue. You whimper softly at the euphoric feeling, already beginning to spread to your head and limbs.

“Think we can go for a round before they come up with it?” you ask conspiratorially.

“Don’t tempt me with a good time,” he replies. You’re smiling as he picks you up by your bum and carries you to the king sized bed, plopping you down unceremoniously in the middle. You move towards the top of it and shrug your hoodie off, revealing a red lace bra. Matty moves to cover you with his body as you get comfortable, your head against the plush, cold pillows.

One of his hands moves to trace the outline of your bra, flesh strains against the delicate fabric, practically begging to be released. He licks his bottom lip absentmindedly and his hand fully envelops your breast.

“Fuck, all this for me?” he asks. You roll your eyes.

“Obviously,” you smile back at him.

“You spoil me sweetheart. So fucking gorgeous,” his words are like syrup, sticky and sweet. They coat your tongue with sugar and go to straight your head. They linger in your mind when he's gone. You wish you could bottle them or press them into vinyl. Play them for your family and friends. Look, this is real. I’m his. A pang of hurt hits you right behind the eyes.

Matty is pressing soft, chase kisses to the exposed flesh on your chest. He looks so content– at home. Are you each others' homes?

“You okay baby?” he looks up at you, all pink lips and flushed skin and blown-out pupils, “you’re not taking the piss out of me for being sentimental.” His words make you chuckle, and snap from your melancholia. Your hands find his soft brown hair in answer to his question.

“I’m perfect. Fuck, keep going please,” his hands are around your back in no time, fumbling with the clasp of your bra. You arch your back to grant him more access and he groans at the feeling of you pressed into him. The euphoria clouds his mind and his fingers move uselessly behind you. You move your hand to cover them.

“Here, I got it,” you chuckle.

“No. Fuck, please let me. You went to all this effort, I wanna unwrap you myself,” he finally undoes the clasp and you lift your arms as he peels the garment off of you, brushing his lips down your arm as he does. Your breasts, once held up perfectly by the lingerie, flatten on your chest, you look down at them. Matty catches you looking.

“Don’t worry, they’re perfect,” he kisses the valley between your tits, right next to your heart. “Perfect, perfect,” the movements of his mouth massage the soft flesh of your right breast as he moves further in. “Perfect,” he says and captures your right nipple in his mouth, immediately swirling his tongue around it, wetting you completely. His teeth close softly around the bud and just when you think you’ve got him figured out, he replaces them with his lips, sucking devotedly at you. Your skin is on fire and he’s the only one who can extinguish it. You know he’ll bring you right to the edge of burning down before he does.

You arch up into the feeling of his warm mouth and have a moment of clarity long enough to realize he’s still in his t-shirt. Your hands move to the hem and push it up his rigid stomach.

“Off, off, off,” you say deliriously. It’s meant to be sexy, but it comes out whiney, needy. Why are you always so needy?

Your thoughts are cut off by the sight of his fair skin littered with tattoos, passing thoughts he’s memorialized on his body. Your lusty eyes devour him and all of the sudden you need more control.

“Switch with me,” you demand. He obliges without a word and you take your leggings off as he shuffles around on his back. You move back over him, now clad only in a red thong that barely functions as underwear. Matty notices it at the same time you do: you’ve left a wet mark on his gray sweatpants where you straddled him. He reaches down to touch the damp fabric between your thighs, warm and inviting. He plays with the lace, pulling it up so it rubs deliciously between your folds and roughly on your clit. Your head falls back and you begin to grind against his hand as he moves the fabric back and forth, finally gathering the friction you came here for. His fingers wander down to your hole and push tentatively into you. He’s only halfway in when he pulls them out. Your eyes snap up to him annoyed. He offers you a conciliatory glance.

“Can I eat you out?”

You’re appeased. You dismount him to shuck your last stitch of clothing off. As you crawl back up his body, his eyes catch yours.

“You thought I was gonna be mean? What on earth would make you think that?” Your mind’s eye flashes back to a reunion a month ago, your hands tied beautifully above your head as Matty edged you cruelly with a vibrator. Come and get it, greedy girl. The obscenities echo in your head. You blush at the thought and at his taunts.

“Shut up,” you say timidly, and cover his face with your wet cunt. He’s got his arms around your thighs and his tongue slicing up between your folds, treating you to a variety of sensations as he pays attention to each sensitive part of you. Your hands come up to brace yourself against the headboard as he begins to work on your clit, licking in sweet sideways strokes before sucking it into his mouth. As the pressure in your body increases, you begin to ride his face, furiously chasing your release.

“Mmmmph fuck, good girl,” the vibrations from his moans go straight into your pussy and increase your pleasure tenfold.

“Please, please stay like that. I’m gonna cum,” you warn. He releases a lengthy moan into you as you continue to chase your peak. He knows he’s the only person to have ever made you cum, and he still gets off on it every time. He moves his mouth away from you long enough for you to hear what he’s saying.

“Cum for me, please. Need you all over my face baby,” and with that he’s back in you everywhere. Hands coming to cover your backside and reach into your wetness, his tongue licking up into your hole, filling you. His nose bumps into your clit at intervals that drive you crazy. But what tips you over the edge is when he moves his hand to the bottom of your entrance, pushing gently against your back wall. You feel so full and euphoric as your orgasm washes over you, starting at the space between your legs and spreading to your chest, your fingers, your nose. You ride him through it and stop when you can’t take it anymore, breathing heavily. His fingers are still pressed inside you. He’s obsessed with knowing it’s real, feeling your heartbeat against his fingers and face. You know you can never fake it with him, and what’s more you don’t have to.

You move off of him and lay on your back. He ducks to the side to clean himself a bit and then leans over to kiss you. You put your hand on his head and move him away gently.

“My face is numb. Can’t feel you,” you say bashfully.

“Yeah?” he’s proud and smiling, eyes squinted so tight you can’t make out his irises.

“Sorry,” you say.

“Please, that’s the best reason I’ve ever heard not to kiss someone,” he grins and pulls you into his chest to come down. Your hands come up to the space below his ribs, trace his top abdominals, get lost in the sweet smattering of chest hair that covers his tattoos.

A knock at your door snaps you from your reverie. You hurry under the duvet as Matty gets up, stretching his muscular arms gratuitously before heading to the door.

The hotel worker has a table he’s wheeling around and he begins to push it into the room. Matty is quick to stop the table and wink at the guy.

“I’ll take it from here, mate thanks,” he says and hands him a $20 note. With the door finally closed, Matty rolls your midnight snack over to your side of the bed. He pours you orange juice from the carafe before crossing the room to faff about with his luggage. You watch him curiously as you sip on your orange juice, slowly feeling the weight return to your body as you replenish your blood sugar. He produces a beautifully wrapped box from his duffel.

“What’s this?” you ask. It’s not uncommon for Matty to give you gifts, but he’s always finding some way to surprise you. He’s sweet, impossibly sweet. Though you suppose it must be easy to be nice when you’re rich. You push the thought away. Nothing exists outside of these four walls. Nothing exists except us.

He gets into bed and slots himself behind you. He kisses your shoulder as he places the parcel on the covers.

“Open it,” he insists. You rip the wrapping paper eagerly and see the box of a beautiful — that’s really the only word you could use to describe it — vibrator. It’s the fanciest you’ve ever seen: pink and white and gold. You want to laugh, of course he’d make an investment when it comes to this.

“You’re crazy, this is a fancy fucking vibrator,” you chuckle and lean your head against him. He reaches over to the table and uncovers the pigs in a blanket. He feeds one to you tenderly before enveloping you in his arms.

“You know our sex is too good for second rate toys,” he states, smiling into your neck. You finish chewing and turn around in his lap before hugging him around his neck.

“All this and room service?” you tease, opening the box excitedly.

“What can I say, I’m a generous guy,” he smiles slyly, taking the box from your struggling hands, “Now hurry up and eat, I wanna use it on you.” Your heart jumps into your throat.

“I don’t need to eat, I’m ready now,” you tell him, defiant. He loves it, loves how eager you are, how badly you want him, how you treat him like he’s the only person you’ve ever had. He traces his pointer finger over your cupid's bow.

“I’m ready too, darlin’ but I need you to eat something. After that I’ll keep you up all night long. I promise,” he coos. He grabs two more bites of food and gives one to you, cheersing you before eating his whole.

—

Matty gently removes the vibrator from your swollen, red clit and gets up off the bed as he quickly rids himself of his boxers. He leans back over your face and kisses you, admiring your blissed out expression.

“Do I need to get a condom?” he knows that, with you guys, it’s not always safe to go without. He wouldn’t pressure you, but he knows you’d rather feel him wholly, if you can. Obviously, he feels the same way. You blush a little.

“I’m actually good this time. I’ve not been with anyone else,” you don’t know why you’re shy about it. Surely, he wouldn’t find that lame, would he? No, he would like it, you think. He would like that he’s the only person to have been with you recently. Maybe you’re kidding yourself. He touches your face and snaps you out of it.

“I haven’t either,” he says calmly, “don’t trust anyone like I trust you.” He climbs back over top of you and kisses you deeply, “turn over for me, yeah?”

You oblige, settling comfortably on your stomach. He moves a pillow under your hips and hikes your right leg up at an angle on the bed. You hear buzzing again behind you as Matty positions the vibrator on your clit.

“You feel good?” he asks.

“Yes,” you’re a little out of breath, dumb with anticipation, “Need you though. Need it harder.”

You feel him running up and down through your folds, almost dipping into you. You moan obnoxiously, too proud to tell him again how much you need him. It’s enough for him, he pushes into you unhurriedly, savoring the moment, relishing in every inch he stretches you. When he bottoms out, he moves his hands up beside your shoulders and whispers in your ear.

“Fuck you’re so tight. Can I move?” You nod frantically into the pillow and he begins to snap his hips into yours. You feel your heartbeat everywhere as your pleasure begins to build. Matty covers your hands in his and stretches them out in front of you, keeping you in place as he fucks you precisely. Each time he bottoms out, he presses your clit perfectly against the vibrator.

“Good girl. You’re doing so well for me, baby,” he pants in your ear. He’s dominant, but it’s sweet and the perfect mixture of submission and pride swirls around your foggy brain as you begin to float. You try to focus on one feeling at a time, his cock sliding in and out of you, his hands on yours’, his warm breath on your ear, the vibrations on the tortured nub between your legs. It’s too much all together. You let yourself go, brain wiping completely as you buck senselessly against the pillow, trying to meet his hips. You cum without realizing that the feeling was creeping up on you, attacked with pleasure as you collapse on the bed in total bliss. Matty’s not far behind, watching you unravel beneath him makes his ego swell and he fucks into you even harder than before.

“I need a second,” you say. It catches Matty off-guard and he stills above you, pulling out slowly. He turns you on your back so he can see your eyes.

“You okay?” he searches your face for any discomfort.

“I’m fucking great. Just sensitive. Were you close?” you ask, suddenly concerned you’ve ruined it for him.

“Yeah, I was,” he seems unbothered. He smiles down at you. You take his hard cock in your hand and begin to pump him over your stomach. “Fuuuuuuuck,” his head rolls back, “can I come in your mouth?”

You kneel in response and push him down onto his back and take him in your mouth, bobbing up and down, wetting him completely and keeping the pressure on him. He reaches out to grab your hand as he begins to spurt into your mouth. The salty tang of him tastes like victory. You smile at him; a content, fucked out grin and then swallow. He wipes a bit left over by the side of your mouth.

“C’mere,” he whines and pulls you into him again. “Goddamn you’re so good to me.”

“Aw don’t go soft on me now, Healy,” you taunt. He groans.

“Don’t be cute. I just came, I don’t have my wits well enough about me to go toe-to-toe with you,” he responds.

“Now if only you’d admit the same about the rest of the time,” you muse.

“Cheeky,” he bops your nose. You let silence fill the room for a moment.

“How long are you here for?” you question, looking up at him. A word from him could change the course of your life, it seems. No, you’re not in love with him. You wouldn’t let yourself do that. But god it feels right with him. It makes sense that you’d want to prolong your time with him for as long as possible. You’re not you when you’re with him. Well yes, you’re you, but a freer, less encumbered you. Like you’re on vacation, or on ecstasy…or something. He makes all the hurt go away. All of the hurt is outside, and inside is a protective fort of your own making. Your shelter.

“Five days. ‘Til Sunday,” he says, “can’t stand the heat longer than that.” You know Matty hates Los Angeles. You don’t blame him, really. It doesn’t seem anything like home to him.

But it still makes you sad. That he might spend bits of his free time in other places just because he likes the atmosphere better. That he would choose to be away from you even though you feel more like home to him than any city could.

“Okay,” you say. It didn’t really need an answer. You can’t see him every day anyways. You have a job and housemates that will wonder where you are, and a mother who’s always begging you to come by for dinner. You don’t tell them about him: your booty call, the rockstar. That would go over well. Anyways, you two are the only ones who get you. Everything goes bad once it leaves the safe-haven you’ve carefully built for yourselves. Rumors and questions and judgements. You’d rather keep it all here. Where it can be perfect.

“Will you tell me about Spain?” you query as you nestle yourself back into him, pushing away the future and snuggling back into the present.

“It was fucking unreal, darlin’. You would have loved it. All these breathtaking old churches and mosques. People dancing, playing guitar, and cheering in the streets. And the food, god. I know you too well to take you there, you would eat yourself silly and then tell me you’re too full to make love to me,” he chuckles.

“That seems like an appropriate behavior on vacation,” you push back.

“It is, but I want you all to myself,” he flips the two of you onto your sides and buries his head in your chest as he squeezes you impossibly closer. “Does that make me selfish?”

His voice sounds so small when it’s coming from under the covers.

“Maybe,” you say. He looks up at you like he might be hurt, “but I’m selfish when it comes to you, too.” You consider your next words, scared to be too candid. No, you think, If anyone would want me to be honest, it’s Matty.

“I get a little rush when you tell me that you haven’t been with anyone since you last saw me,” you say tentatively.

“Me too, sweetheart. It’s different with you.” You breathe a sigh of relief. You sit up and grab the glasses off the side table and go to the restroom. You relieve yourself quickly and fill the water cups, bringing them back to bed.

“Can I ask you a question?” you say. Matty raises his eyebrows in answer as he takes a sip of water. “What does it really feel like for guys when you have sex with girls? You guys always act like it feels so good when you first put it in. Is it really like that every time?”

Matty smiles softly at your earnestness. “I thought you were gonna ask me something serious,” he teases.

“I am being serious,” you insist.

He considers you, your expression, your posture. Deciding what you want from him. The truth, he thinks. All she ever wants is the truth. He takes you in his arms.

“You know when you get back from a holiday and you get to sleep in your bed on your pillow again for the first time in weeks?” you nod along. “It’s like that, but a thousand, no— a million times better. Especially if it’s with someone you know. It’s a relief. It’s safe. It feels like coming home.” You look at him, searching for any little bit of artifice. You find none, you should know by now that you won’t find any with him. Why can’t you trust that?

“You feel like coming home, darlin’.”

You believe him. You agree. So why does it still hurt? You put your head on his chest and close your eyes.

“So do you. Thanks for taking me home.”

“Anytime.”

You know he doesn’t quite mean it—any time he’s in town, yes. Anytime he’s not with a groupie in Japan. Anytime he’s not dealing with some work obligation or visiting his family in England. But as sleep begins to crowd your brain, you let yourself take his words at face value. Anytime. Anytime. He’ll come home anytime.

a/n: please tell me your thoughts etc. I hope this brightens your day! see you all at satvb this fall <3

23 and finally no longer a virgin I feel like I’ve finally ACTUALLY reached adulthood go me!!!

Might be getting the fic on archive sooon hopefully ❤️

ALTHOUGH DOES SOMEONE WANNA HELP ME WITT THE LATEST CHAPTER CUZ IM A MONTH BEHIND AND JUST CANT GET IT GOING ???

This is just arghhh

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐳𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞 – 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐲

your boyfriend needs you to take care of him.

a/n: i have Nothing to say. enjoy, u horny mfs <3

pairing: matty x female reader

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), sub!matty, dom!reader, swearing, praise, degradation, light bondage, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, choking, typos

word count: 3k

“I swear I didn’t–” Matty’s eyes flutter shut when you pull at his hair, lips parting as he lets out a moan. “–Fuck, I need you so bad.”

“You’re mine, got it?” You drag the pad of your thumb across his plump bottom lip, loving how his breath hitches in his throat at the soft touch. With your body so close to his, you could feel his cock straining against his pants, just how you liked it. “You fucking loved having that bitch all over you, didn’t you, slut?”

“I–I didn’t, mmph–y–you’re so good to me…‘m yours…all yours,” You smile proudly, dipping your head down to bite at the skin of his neck. He gasps, rutting his hips into you. 

“Nuh-uh. Don’t even try that, baby boy. Go sit on the bed for me.” He scurries past you and you slip off your heels by the door before following him. It was honestly quite cute how desperately Matty needed to be dominated sometimes. His control needed to be given up to free himself of all thoughts, and he was willing to give that control to you. You took it with great honor.

Matty was always too afraid to ask you to be rough with him, so he figured out how to make you be rough with him, make you use him however you wanted— all he had to do was piss you off. 

You stand in the doorway, admiring the way he was perched on your shared bed, patiently waiting for you to give him another order. He was so fucking hot like this, at your mercy, silently begging for you to ruin him. 

“Strip.” Your voice is firm, full of authority. It makes Matty’s cock twitch in his pants. He wanted to let go; wanted to get on his knees for you, only you. You watch him take off his clothes in a hurry, sitting back down on the bed as soon as he sheds the last piece of clothing. 

You walk over to him, petting his messy mop of curls as he opens his legs, allowing you to stand between them. He tightly wraps his arms around your waist, leaning his head forward so he could hide his face in your chest. God, he was really fucking needy right now. 

A part of you wants to stop and ask if he was alright, if he was stressed about something, but his little whimpers tell you that the only thing he needed right now was you–he didn’t want to think for himself anymore. 

You twirl one of his curls around your finger and use your other hand to gently scratch at his nape. He moans into the cotton of your shirt, somehow hugging you tighter than before. “Good boy.”

“Need you, need you,” Matty babbles into your chest. Your heart beats faster when you hear how shaky his voice was. This vulnerability from him was rare and you wanted to make it last. You kneel, lifting his head off your chest, reaching to cradle his cheeks. 

“What d’you need from me, baby? Tell me.” You press kisses to his face, letting him take his time to answer. 

“Need you to touch me, please, please, touch me.” His teeth sink into his bottom lip as he stares at you, pleading with his big brown eyes. He was like a little lost puppy. 

“Go on, lay back on the pillows, sweetheart.” You press a kiss to his nose and he moves up bed to do as he’s told. His head hits the plush of the pillows and you crawl up his body, choosing to sit on his thighs rather than his stomach– you need to see all of him.

His cock is already hard, aching. You were itching to have him down your throat, but you relent. He still made you mad after all; flirting with a random girl at the bar, whispering in her ear with his eyes locked on yours. You wanted to break him, show him who he belonged to. 

“Got such a pretty fucking cock,” You wrap your fingers around his length and Matty hisses, jolting at the touch. Your fingers drag down the skin of his belly, delicately tracing the lines of his hip tattoo when you reach it–your right hand staying stagnant at the base of his cock. 

“Y–yours to use. Fuck, oh–” You lean down to lick at his tip, collecting his precum on your tongue. A soft moan escapes you and his hands instinctively go to grip your hips. 

You slap them away, removing your hands from his body completely. “Didn’t say you could touch me now, did I?” Matty moans, digging his head back into the pillow. “Don’t want to have to tell you again, Matty.”

“‘M sorry,” His hands go to grip the white sheets, “Baby, please.”

“Please what?” You smirk, dipping your head again to suck on his tip. He bucks his hips up and you splay a hand across his lower stomach, pressing his body into the mattress. You remove your mouth from him and spit on his cock.

He goes feral when you start to stroke him– crying out as he watches your saliva dripping down his length. “Fuck! Anything—do whatever you want to me, darling, please.”

Matty’s eyes are hooded with pleasure, his mouth agape. He was fucking perfect for you, every single session. Your perfect boy. 

You reach up to caress his cheek, admiring the way he leans into your touch and turns his head to kiss your palm. “Mmm, just a dumb little whore for me, hm?” You brush his hair out of his face and he nods furiously. 

You slip your shirt over your head, discarding it on the floor. The man under you gapes at the way your breasts fill your lacy bra, biting his lip when you unclasp it and throw it near your shirt. 

“Can I, p-please?” His eyes flick from your tits to your face. You move up his body, now sitting on his stomach. Matty can’t help but whine when he realizes you weren’t going to pay attention to his cock anymore. 

He immediately gets over it when you shove your tits in his face. “Yes, darling, go on.”

He attaches his mouth to your nipple, lolling his tongue around the bud like his life depended on it. One of your hands is on the pillow to prop you up and the other tugs at his hair, hard. A low groan rips from his chest as he switches to suck on your other tit. 

“Mm–shit–so fucking good for me,” You pull at his hair again, “Such a good boy…”

He removes his mouth from your tits and you rub your thumb over his pink lips, “Open.”

Matty obliges, taking your thumb in his mouth. He swirls his tongue around your digit, brown eyes clouded with lust. You grind down on him, pushing your ass back into his cock ever so slightly; he moans around you, attempting to roll his hips up against yours. 

When you pull your finger out of his mouth, he releases it with a pop. A grin is spread across your face as you lean down, kissing him feverishly– lips burning with desire. He kisses back with the same passion. 

You break the kiss, placing a hand on the waistband of your jeans as you sit up straight. 

“Do you think you deserve a reward for being such a good boy?” You coo, unbuttoning your jeans. He squirms beneath you and, once again, grabs at your hips, too excited to even think straight. You stop all movements, stilling above him. His eyes widen when he realizes he’s touched you and he immediately pulls back his hands, laying them at his sides. He knew it was too late, he’d already disobeyed your rules.

“Fuck and just when I was about to reward you too, slut.” You dismount him, ignoring the way he whimpers at the loss of your body on top of his. 

You open your closet and start digging through the shit you and Matty have accumulated these past couple of years, quickly finding what you were looking for. A black silk scarf. 

Padding back over to him, your lips curve into a devious smile when you see him lying there, fucked-out and writhing on the sheets. The realization of the power you had over him right now sent a shiver down your spine. 

“Since you can’t fuckin’ listen to me,” You climb on the bed, crawling over his body, “I gotta tie you up.”

You take his wrists in your hands, watching the way his chest rises and falls at a rapid pace. He whines as you tie his wrists together, raising his hands to fasten them to the headboard. 

“Please, please, I’m sorry I touched you, please.” He had no idea what the fuck he was begging for, he just needed you to alleviate some of the tension in his body.

“Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking cute when you beg like that, my love.” You kiss his forehead, climbing off him again to quickly slip off your jeans and panties. Kicking them somewhere on the floor, you move to kneel next to him. 

You lightly drag your nails down the side of his cock and Matty moans out, kicking his feet and pulling at the silk tie. 

“Don’t make me tie your legs too.” He whimpers at that, closing his eyes as your fingers ghost across his thighs. 

You remove your hands from him, leaning back on your heels and parting your legs so he could see the mess between your thighs. Matty curses when his eyes fall on your dripping cunt. 

“See how fucking wet you made me? God, I love it when you let me take care of you.” You drag a hand down your body, beginning to slowly rub circles on your clit – a loud moan slips past your lips, sweet relief. 

Palming one of your tits, you press harder, staring at Matty’s blissed-out expression. 

“Use me, please. Use me to get off, please, wanna make you feel good.” He begs, pouting and bucking his hips up in the air. 

You release a shaky breath, honestly needing him as much as he needed you. 

“I can’t fucking resist you—fuck—My perfect boy.” You breathe, mounting him again. This time though, you move all the way up his body, standing on your knees, cunt right above his pretty little face. 

“Show me how much you need me…” You lower your cunt down onto his face and he immediately starts to lick your clit, only moving from it when you let out a mewl above him. He yanks the silk tie, itching to roam your body with his hands. His tongue works quickly– no, efficiently, he knows how to get you off. 

You grip the headboard, knuckles turning a stark white. Your right-hand finds its place in his hair, scratching at his scalp gently before tugging on his dark locks. 

Matty whines, moving down to dip his tongue into your entrance, nose nudging your clit. 

“Fuck, s–shit, Matty!” You moan, taking your left hand off the headboard to grab your tit, rolling your nipple between your fingers. Your hips rut against Matty’s face; you were fully using him for your own pleasure, just like he asked. 

He fucks his tongue into you skillfully, determined to make you fall apart. The only thought in his brain was pleasing you, just you. He worships you, treats you like a goddess. You love it. You love him. 

You look down at him, seeing his eyes flutter shut as he laps at you. 

“Doing so well, my darling.” You clamp your thighs around his head, muffling the wet, filthy noises that fill the room. His eyes find yours as he sucks on your clit. 

The sight, oh it was fucking lewd. His pupils were blown, curls an unruly mess from your constant tugging. It was going to push you over the edge. 

“Good boy, gonna make me fuckin’ cum–mmm, ohmygod.” He hums into your pussy, licking a flat stripe up your slit before grazing his teeth against your clit. 

You fist his hair, pulling at it as hard as possible when you come undone on his face. Your legs start to shake and you’re barely able to think straight– but you continue to grind on him, riding out your orgasm. He licks up your cum, every last drop, moaning loudly into your pussy.

As you come down from your high, you lift yourself off his face and scoot back to perch yourself on his ink-covered torso. A lazy grin spreads across his face, chin and mouth glistening with your wetness. You kiss him, tasting yourself on his tongue, moaning into his mouth. 

“I love you, love you so much, want to milk your fucking cock now, how does that sound, baby boy?” You drag your nails down his chest as you position yourself above his red, leaking cock. 

“Fuck yes! Please! Need you–mmph–need you to fuck me now, please,” He throws his head back when you grip the base of his cock. You sink down slightly, allowing his tip to tease your entrance. He groans, struggling against the tie once again. 

“Baby, please promise you’ll tell me when you need me in this way, okay? Want to make sure my darling is taken care of. Don’t ever have to make me mad to get attention,” You rake your hand through his hair, kissing his forehead, then his nose, and finally his lips. He nods, brown eyes full of adoration, lust, need. 

You sink down on him without warning. A pathetic whimper slips past Matty’s lips as you let him stretch you out, clenching your walls around his aching cock. 

“Ah–fu–fuck.” He lets out a groan and you raise your hips, then sink back down on him. You moan, he’s deep in you, fucking filling you. 

You place your hands on his chest, using him for support as you bounce on his cock. He looked like sex, flushed and sweaty under your mercy. 

He whines, staring at his cock as it disappears inside you. You use your right hand to tilt his chin up, looking into his eyes as you shove two fingers in his mouth. You’ve created a steady rhythm with your hips, fucking him with skill. 

Matty moans around your fingers, eyes rolling to the back of his head when you start riding him faster. 

“My pretty boy…fuckin’ made for me,” Your left-hand runs up his chest, wrapping your fingers around his throat and applying the slightest bit of pressure. He closes his eyes, helping you by snapping his hips up into yours; it was obvious he was close to cumming, but he’d been good tonight, he deserved it, so you squeeze his throat a little harder to push him over the edge. 

You didn’t expect him to last for long– you pull your fingers out of his mouth so you can hear his little noises again. 

“Mm, ‘m cumming, g-gonna cum, please–fuck, shit, baby–please!” Matty cries out and you can see tears prick at the corners of his eyes. You lean down to pepper his face with sweet kisses, petting his hair as you roll your hips on his. 

Your breath fans over the shell of his ear, “Been such a good boy for me, love, please fill me up.” 

His body falls limp and he spills his load into you, filling you completely with spurts of warm cum. “Thank you, Jesus fucking Christ, thank you.” 

“No, thank you, sweetheart,” You continue to run your fingers through his hair as he catches his breath; you’ve already completely stopped the movement of your hips. He notices this after a few moments and raises his head to look at you. 

“You didn’t cum,” His face looks a bit sad as you reach up to pull at the silk tie bounding him to the bed. You take his wrists in your hands and undo the knot, throwing the soft fabric on the end of the bed. 

You kiss his wrists, a bit red from struggling against the restraint. Gently massaging them with your thumbs, you lean down to press a wet kiss to his forehead. “Don’t worry about me, my love, you already got me off before, remember?” 

He nods, too tired to argue about it. His cock goes soft inside you and you slowly lift yourself off of him, both of you hissing at the loss of contact. You kiss his cheek and move to climb off the bed but he stops you, grabbing at your arm.

“Stay, baby, please? Don’t leave.” You almost start crying right there and then when you turn to look at his sad eyes. He never wanted you to stop touching him. 

“Matty, honey, I’m gonna grab some clean boxers for you and then go to the bathroom for just a minute, then I’ll be back okay? I promise.” You coo at him, soothingly stroking his cheek with your hand. 

“Mkay. Be quick, please?” His lips turn up into a smile and you giggle, nodding and finally escaping from the warmth of your bed. 

You come back a few minutes later, a fresh pair of boxers from the dryer and a glass of water in hand. Matty waits lying on his side, but his head immediately lifts from the pillow when he hears you walk over to the bed.

“Ok, sweetheart, drink some water and then I’ll help you put these on.”

He sips on the water and looks at you over the rim of the glass, “I can put my underwear on myself, I’m a man, you know.” 

“Oh piss off, I was trying to fuckin’ take care of you.” He laughs and takes the boxers, slipping them over his hips as you walk over to your side of the bed. You had put on one of Matty’s shirts before you left the room earlier.

You lay down next to him, pulling him into your body. He tucks his face into the crook of your neck, curls tickling the underside of your jaw. 

“I love you,” Matty whispers and squeezes you tighter. His lips leave feather-light kisses below your ear. 

“I love you more. Go to sleep now, love.” 

Need to preface that it’s always been an issues people always struggle to understand or hear me but it’s just recently that it’s making me wanna pull my hair out

I need to discuss this with somebody , cuz I feel like I’m going insane and it’s infuriating me , for like I want to say for at least the last week everytime I’ve said something to anyone they can’t hear me and it takes like 3 times for me to say it till they hear me but I feel like I’m shouting and it’s so mad , idk if it’s an adhd thing but I feel like I’m speaking loud and clearly but everytime there like “what you saying speak up” it just makes me not want to repeat myself or just in general makes me not want to speak , anyone have any tips for this

OMG IM SO EXCITED TO THIS INSTALMENT ARGHHHH I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DO

Word count : 4k

Warnings : mention of food and dieting , Weed

IM SO EXCITED

Mattys POV

(A week or so has gone by since last instalment)

Oh my god things have been wild lately, George is finally visiting today he's going to be here for at least ten days I believe and I can't bloody wait for it. I couldn't sleep last night we were up all night on FaceTime, he fell asleep eventually because he "didn't wanna look like complete shit when we first met", which is stupid because he can't look bad in anyway , to me. His train was due at 4 this afternoon but since I hadn't slept I had started getting ready at 7am , showered, dressed in skinny jeans and a floral shirt that I'm sure I stole from my mum once upon a time and my Docs because what else would I wear, I had spent at least half an hour just trying to make sure my hair didn't look like a damn bird nest or that I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, brushed my teeth and even had some breakfast. It was now 8:30 and I'm pacing, like actually pacing because I hate waiting. He'd texted me this morning but he doesn't want to show me his outfit because he wants it to be a surprise so in turn I said I wouldn't show him mine which is hell because I love this shirt so much and love showing it off. On what feels like my fifth lap of the house my dad had tried to convince me to sit down for a bit but even if I did it would be roughly five minutes before I was up and moving again. So in turn he'd asked if I wanted to go for a drive which I accepted gratefully. I think he was taking me to Tesco to pick up some stuff for dinner later.

We were just walking around the shop my dad pushing the trolley and me just shoving literally anything in it. "So this lad then, George is it?" , I nod with a smile on my face. "What are we to call him, like is he your boyfriend or just a friend who you like, or just a normal friend". My dads just amazing always trying to understand things

"For now he's just a friend that I like but Um we're somewhat both interested in one another but haven't asked the question yet, so please don't call him my boyfriend yet because I haven't asked and don't want to scare him away yet", I throw at least five packets of noodles into the trolley. "He likes noodles , is that enough or should I get more?"

"Son , your gunna work yourself into a headache just breath okay, I'm sure everything is going to be just fine" , I take a few deep breaths and we continue on through the shop. Stopping to drop a few more things in.

"Uh Dad, Would it be okay if we got some alcohol?, I promise I won't over do it" , I know he probably can't trust a word I say because I can't prove that I won't but I really want him to trust me.

"I'll be honest lad , I think we'll have to ask your mum first and we can come back later if she says it's okay" , we just ponder around a few more isles and drop random things into the trolley "you haven't smoked today have you!"

"Not yet no , why?"

"Would you like to drive the car home ?" , we loading stuff onto the check outs , I do have my lisence I got it last year and I do have a car but my mum and dad took my keys after the crash with Janey because they didn't trust me in the car unless I was with one

of them.

"Are you sure dad!"

"If you'd like son , just be careful yeh?"

"Oki thank you dad , honestly thank you", I threw my arms around him and he held me just for a second and we made our way to the checkouts putting all the items through and packing them up, I'm a little meticulous about the packing and how to do it so dad just lets me do it my way "Also da , we need to go to the pharmacy my medication is ready to pick up"

"Which ones is it where picking up today lad ?" , we'd picked up like 2 other ones this week but I think they were for anxiety and anti-sickness but these ones are just supplements for food.

"Just food equivalent to help me get my appetite back like the ones I had years ago" , my dad payed for the food swiping his card across the card reader and waved goodbye too the cashier as we leave and as he's packing up the car I jump in the front seat and get myself accustom with the steering and gears again.

"You all ready then Son", he jumps into the passenger side and buckled up eager to see how well I do

"As I'll ever be ,I guess"

The drive to the pharmacy wasn't to bad to be fair, I'm still a pretty good driver and my dad said I did well so I'm happy about that. I didn't want to go in again for like the 3rd day running so Dad went in for me giving me a second to just breath and reply to George. Last message I got he was still getting ready he doesn't have to leave for the station till around about 1 and it's only 9:30, I think we both just got a little to eager.

MATTY: my dad let me drive !!!!

GEORGE: yeh ?, how did you do?

MATTY: haven't driven in a while so thought I'd mess up a little but it actually went okay, we've been to Tesco to get food for the next few days , we're at the pharmacy now and then where going home and I think I'm going to tidy my room cuz it's an actual pigsty might ask mum to help

GEORGE : don't have to tidy for me love, my rooms a shit tip

MATTY: I will anyway

As my dad came back I slid my phone back into my pocket he handed me my medicine to make sure it was the right thing because he really had no idea what is was called , neither did I to be honest but it looked right so I just flung it on the dashboard and we made our way back home

We unpacked the bags in the kitchen as Loius ran around looking literally as excited as I felt as he'd grown to really like George too they interacted a lot over the past week , and when I told him George was coming to visit he got so darn happy he climbed up onto the middle island in the kitchen and watched us unpack

"How long till Georgie is here Maffu ?"

"He's coming today little dude but it's still a long time yet" , after unpacking the last bag I pick loius up and manoeuvre him so he's on my back, and I carry him back up stairs and flip him onto my bed " you gunna help Maffu clean up ?"

"I don't wanna tidy Maffu but I'll watch", he's always just soooo me and it makes me laugh and ruffle his hair again as he looks up at my with the big smile and those big blue eyes.

"That's okay, can you get Mummy for me then"

"Oki", he jumps back off the bed and runs through the house , leaving me stood in the middle of the room looking around trying to figure out where to start, it really is such a mess in here, mugs and plates everywhere, piles of clothes, shoes just milking around , stacks and stack of books , dvds and cds and my bed isn't even made. I get lost in my thoughts when I here a knock on my door that makes me jump.

"Sorry love didn't mean to startle you, what was it you needed me for?"

"Can you possibly help me tidy up in here , I don't know where to start and it's so bad" , she looks around just as baffled as me, then strides over and pulls me into a hug.

"Love ,what happened in here?"

"I just haven't had the effort or will power to clean up Mum, sorry" , I hug her close and then as we separate herself we both look around and make a mental note on where to start

"Right first of all love , take all the dishes downstairs and ask you dad if he can clean them up , then come back up and we can sort your clothes out okay", I nod and then get to picking up the cups and plates grimacing when I realise how bad it actually is. I run downstairs with the dirty plates and mugs dropping them carefully into the sink, then run back up the stairs two at a time to help mum. "What clothes are clean and what aren't love ?"

"Most of its clean it just needs to be folded and put away really", it takes me a few more seconds to actually sit down and start folding a pile that was next to where I stood, Im so bad at keeping up with cleaning it bores me. I noticed mum stand up and start putting clothes into drawers and stops to look at something already in the drawer

"Matty , love what are these?”

I drop the shirt I was folding onto the floor as I know exactly what she was talking about as I know what I’d been hiding in that drawer, I scratch the back of my neck as I breath in ALL the air that was in the room and try to piece a reply together. My mouth opens and closes a few times but no words leave my mouth.

“Matty love?”

“It’s nothing important Mum, just put it back please” , I take three big stride across to her and place my hands around the books “Mum seriously it’s nothing”

She did let me take them and shove them back the drawer as she takes a tentative seat on my bed and pats the space next to her. “Sit down for a minute please my love” , once I’ve got the books properly back into the drawer and place myself down next to her. “Can you please tell me why you feel the need to have books about dieting love”.

“It’s not important Mumma , it doesn’t mean anything, I just have them”

“First off Matty , I’ve been keeping an eye on everything to do with your eating habits for a while and I know there not very good , your skin and bone love , and you only ever call me Mumma when your anxious , so please you know I’m not going to be mad , can you please explain to me why?”

I know she won’t be mad and I know it’s not something that’s that big of a deal but its still scary to talk about , so as I think of the right words to say I just ponder in my mind what I need and look around my room as I try to explain. “It’s just about the element of control , I was losing control of everything in my life and I was freaking out so bad you know , like I had zero semblance of control, but then I found a book at school about diets like I know people diet duh , but um when I read it, a lot of it was about how people diet to gain control over something, so I tried and I read a lot of them but then I even lost control of that and I’m scared again so I hid them so I wasn’t as embarrassed about losing control of even that and people wouldn’t ask if they saw and I wouldn’t ave to talk about it”

“Matty , I know things are hard right now love , and I’m proud that your talking to me , but why couldn’t you tell me earlier”

“I don’t know Mum really, I guess I just didn’t know how to” , I got back up from my bed and went back over to the drawer taking the books back out and contemplated them for a while. “Can you take them Mum”

“What would you like me to do with them?”

“Just don’t let me have them I guess , I’m going to try to get better , Dr Adrian gave me the medication for it and I’m gunna work harder at everything I promise”. I get back to the cleaning of my room “Mum?”

“Yes love”

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been lately and I’m sorry for worrying everyone, I also appreciate you for letting George come because he really helps me be a better version of myself and I really hope you can see that when he’s here , I know I haven’t known him that long but he really does help me”

“I’m so glad that you’ve found someone that you can talk to Matty , you don’t have to apologise everyone goes through hard times , you’ve just got to pick yourself up and if you need help keep talking , be it to me or George or your dad even Louis , I know he’s just a kid but even if you talk you’ll feel better”

“Thank you”

It takes us a few more hours to tidy up my room it really was a state , and I talked to my Mum the whole time about how I felt about everything and anything. When we had finished the tidying and cleaning up it looked like a completely different room I hadn’t seen it like this in at least a month.

It’s now 12:30 and although I’m more than excited to see George the restlessness was starting to get to me again, George had informed me he was on his way to the train station now his train was at 2 and it took him an hour to get to the station. It was getting harder to not be nervous because I was really just watching the time tick by. I’d rolled a joint after I’d finished cleaning my room but hadn’t got round to smoke it yet because dads trying to keep me busy until we have to go because he knows if I’m just sitting waiting then I’m going to get irritable. With this being the first time I’d had a break today I decided to just let them know I’m going for a smoke. So now I’m just sat outside on the front porch relaxing as I smoke the joint.

Matty: I’m so nervous darling x

George: I’m actually shutting a brick 😂 , would your dad mind if I went for smoke when I got off the train or would he wanna get going straight away ?x

Matty: He won’t mind , I’m sure he’d understand

George : I’ll be grand then , will you be waiting for me on the platform or will I meet you outside.

Matty : I’ll wait on the platform you dick😂

George : thanks love x

I slide my phone back into my pocket and finish my joint before making my way inside, I know it’s lunchtime and I should eat but I’m not the hungry yet but Louis came running through to the kitchen and attached himself to my leg “How long now Maffu” , I picked him up and put him on the counter while messing up his hair, he’s got a lollipop hanging out his mouth so I didn’t really catch what he said, I took the sweat out of his mouth for a second.

“What was that kid ?”

He smiled a lopsided grin at me and rolled his eyes dramatically , so much like me. “How long till Georgie is here silly?”, I gave him back his sweet and he shoved it back into his mouth even though I was just holding it my hand was sticky so I turned the tap on and started washing my hands

“He’s getting on the train really soon , then daddy and I will go get him , do you want to come too?”, he again smiled at me his eyes growing to the size of bowling balls and he take his sweet out of his mouth again.

“Can I ?”

“If you want too kiddo , just finish up with your sweet and wash your hands and then we can talk cuz that’s going to take you ages to eat”

“I don’t want it anymore, you have it” , he went to hand it to me but I told him that’s it’s okay and just to put it in the bin , he runs back over to me, I lift him up and help him wash his hands. “Will George play with me when he comes ??”

“I’m sure he will Kiddo”

I spent the next few hours just playing about with Louis , on the play station, watching tv with him , helped him with some homework that he had left around about 2:30 he fell asleep on my lap while we were watching the TV , George had texted me saying that he was now on the train half an hour ago, and we should be leaving in an hour because it doesn’t all to long from ours to get to the station here, so I took Louis idea into consideration and tried to take a nap myself which in theory maybe wasn’t the best idea but I was starting to get tired so that I did , I set an alarm on my phone for 45 minutes so I could get my head down for a little while. I layed myself down trying not to disturb Louis and sleep consumed me

My alarm woke us both up at 3:15 , Louis was not too happy with it, he was still tired and he was throwing a little hissy fit “hey kiddo , I know your tired and I know you wanted to come to pick Georgie up but you need to calm down for me so we can get ready to go can you find your shoes for me ay ?” , he just clung to me his tiny frame shaking as he cried “hey hey hey it’s okay , you can have another nap you know , come on kiddo no need for tears”

“But I’m still sleepy , I wanna go bed” , as I got myself he was still clinging to me so I decided to take him upstairs to bed his head was resting on my shoulder the whole time. “Maffu , is it okay if I just stay here”

“It’s okay kiddo , just get a big nap for me and when you wake up George will be here and you can play all day yeh” , he nodded against me as I lay him down on his bed and tucked him up and kissed his head

“I’ll see you later okay”

“Okay Maffu”

I got myself completely got my leather jacket from my room , checked to see if my dad was ready, he let me know that he was just going to finish his tea and then we’d get going. So I just waited by the door, annoying I know but I just wanted to get going. Once he was ready I raced out to the car like I was 7 again jumping into the passenger side as my dad made his way to driver seat and we got going. I couldn’t help my leg bouncing up and down anxiously the whole way there, I’d bitten my nails raw Mum would have killed me for it but dad doesn’t mind. I’d chain smoked the whole ride there out the window of course and really it wasn’t that bad the train station was just half an hour away so it was really not to bad. We got to the station with 15 minutes to spare so I checked my hair in the middle mirror of the car and started fussing with my outfit until my dad told me again that I looked absolutely fine and to stop worrying , I sat and waited for literally only two minutes before I decided I just wanted to go in and wait so I just told my Dad that I’d let him know when I’ve got George and we’re going to have a smoke before we come back, he gave me a quick nod and smile before I got out and made my way inside

Inside the station was so busy, people milling about the place, so much sounds and smells, it was so hot in there as well but I tried to gather myself and push through I saw that the train from London was going to be arriving on platform 3, I started making my way there but there was quite a lot of people waiting there aswell and I could feel myself getting anxious and my nerves were getting the best of me so I hung back and just sent George a quick message letting him know that I am inside but I’m not on the platform because it looked busy, he replied not to long free to let me know that it was okay and he’d call me once he departed the train and I could let him know where I was which helped me alot. I decided to wait outside WHSmith a small convenience store that was off to the side of the platforms , True to his word after a small five minutes more of waiting my phone started to buzz in my hand and George’s contact appeared on my screen

“Hey there”

“Hiya love , that’s me just coming off , where is it your at ?, you doing okay it’s not to busy for you is it ?”

“I’m stood outside smiths , I’m okay for now it’s not to busy round here I’ll be okay, I just really can’t wait to see you now”

“I’ll can see it , from where Im at so I should be there in no time at all handsome”

I couldn’t help but smile , my heart was racing , basically jumping out of my chest in anticipation, I could hardly wait, there wasn’t much conversation going on between us we were both just keeping an eyes out for each other, He soon caught my eye “I can see you , you lanky fuck”, despite feeling nervous and anxious about everyone around us the fact that I could see him sent a jolt of pure joy through me and I felt my legs starting to race to him. As I began running to me I could see the moment he clocked me and he just dropped his suitcase open his arms to me and I ran into his arms and burried my face in his chest pushing my phone into my pocket without even hanging up. We stayed there in each other arms for what felt like an age not saying anything just holding each other and it felt so right

“Hiya handsome” , I pulled away first but not all the way just enough so I could look up and his and the smile on his face was everything I needed to feel relaxed. I could feel the blush rising on my cheeks already. “Jesus , you really ARE a lanky twat aren’t ya” his smile grew bigger if that was even possible and we giggled to each other and he pulled me closer to him

Once we’d sorted ourselves out taking at least another five minutes just holding one another we were just stood line idiots smiling at each other and he eventually picked his suitcase back up and I’d sorted my phone in my pocket I took his hand and lead him outside to the smoking area.

“Babe , you looks so cool, by the way” , I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the word babe leave his mouth and it had my blushing even more than I thought humanly possible and I took his hand that was in mine and kissed it as we both giggled again.

“You look so fit”

List of “falling for someone you thought you’d never fall for, but here you are (you absolute fool)” prompts

“Oh, God, what?”

“I don’t even know what to say to this information.”

“…I mean, I can’t say I’m upset about this unexpected development.”

“They’re the one I want? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh, hell no.”

“For fuck’s sake—”

“This is not what I had in mind. Like. At all.”

“…I was flirting for fun.” 

“So I’m just gonna sit here and contemplate the decisions I’ve made in life which have lead me to this point.”

“I think I just played myself.”

“This can not be happening right now.”

“I didn’t even want them like that—” “Well, now you do, so you’re gonna have to take responsibility for that.”

“My feelings aren’t real and my heart’s a fucking idiot.”

“I mean, feelings come and go. Surely I don’t have it that bad for them.”

^ “Well…” they say, nervous laughter on the tip of their tongue. “Never mind about that.” 

do you see it

Menswear

Chapter 3

Mention of dysphoria and dysfunctional families

The next morning

I woke up to my alarm 7 on the dot, more startled awake then by choice. George was wrapped up in my duvet next to me, like most mornings. His hair strewn across the pillow just like a halo , like the angel he is. From as young as I can remember he’s always had the most angelic face , one I’ve wanted to kiss for the longest time, the feeling only grew stronger the older I got but I just never knew how to talk about it. Like most mornings when I woke first I just watched him sleep, so peacefully. I watched his eyes flicker, the brown in them starting to make an appearance. “You know you can just take a picture right??, it’ll last longer”, he’s a dipshit but he’s my dipshit. He scrubbed his eyes harshly to wake himself up a little then rose slowly to rest against the headboard placing one hand on my forehead probably to check my temperature. “How you feeling today lad?”.

“I feel a little better, I feel a bit stuffy and my throat feels like razors but really everything else is fine, think I just have a cold”, I was a complete mess yesterday and I know it, I feel bad that the lads had to look after me but I just seriously wasn’t feeling it and something about having someone give you all there attention feels nice even when you don’t want it. “Thanks for yesterday by the way” , I’ve always relied on the boys to help me, I depend on them as sad as that may be.

“Don’t mention it , you’d have done the same for any of us”, I would have yes!, anything for them. “Are you sure your feeling alright though , well enough for school, I know what your like”. He’s not wrong I can be a right idiot at school sometimes if I ain’t feeling right. It’s fine though.

“I’m alright yeh, get your arse up we have to get ready, my mum left your stuff in the dryer , you can go get it and I’ll get dressed yeh?” , I hopped out off bed and began to get my uniform out of my wardrobe, I heard George groan and fall back onto the bed. “Bro you gotta get up”, I picked up a hat from the computer chair next to me and flung it in his direction just missing his head and hitting the headboard. “Come on”

“Ughhh….dude five more minutes”, George is quite the challenge to wake up in the morning, once he’s out of bed he’s raring to go and always full of energy but until that point, nope. Where as I can get up but until I’ve had a coffee I’m basically a zombie. “It’s to late I’ve bonded to mattress, I have become one with the bed, there’s no saving me”

“Come on you fuckin flamingo get up”, I took a minute to look through my wardrobe for my blazer upon not finding it I swiftly ran over to George’s side of the bed and jumped on him immediately tickling his chest and any piece of skin available to me “Get up, get up , get up”, his ever present stupid high-pitched laugh soon enveloped my room and hearing it myself made me giggle with him. His laugh is always contagious. He begins thrashing around begging me to stop but I continue my attack. “I’ll stop if you get up ditwit”

“Fine, fine , okay….stop…I can’t breath…I’ll get up”, I rolled off of him in fits of giggles, struggling to breath for myself. “Your actually a fuckin nightmare you know that right, in the best way possible your a dick”, he flung the duvet off of himself which inturn made it drape over me, and as he stood up he pushed me causing me to roll off of the bed. “ hah stuuuuupid”

“Fuck you , you hobgoblin ”, again we were both laughing, the amount of random names I’ve called George over the years is insane and they still get more and more ridiculous.

Finally though he did leave and I began to get myself ready for the day, binder, shirt, trousers and shoes, still not a fuckin clue where any of my blazers are. Or my tie for that matter. Just as I was tying my shoes there was a tiny little knock on my door “Maffew, are you awake”, Shit we probably woke him up we were being kinda loud.

“Yeh I’m awake kiddo come in”, Louis pushed the door open and stuck his little head through the gap in door and slid in, bounding over the the bed. “What’s wrong kiddo?”

“I have a question”

“Ask away young padawan”, he’ll have no idea what padawan means but I jump at every chance to use that sentence .

“Well , you know how Georgie stays here a lot, does he just live wif us now and does that mean he’s like my big brother now too ?” , I sat myself down next to him after I tied my shoes and ruffled his hair as he giggled.

“No no baby, George is just Matty’s best friend and George and his daddy aren’t friends right now so he’s just taking a little break, but if you see him like a big brother that’s okay”

“Why is he not friends wif his daddy , he’s friends wif our daddy and we are friends wif our daddy, people are supposed to love their daddies” , I carefully pulled him into my lap as I chuckled, loving how his brain works and can’t see the bad side of anything.

“Just George’s daddy is a little bit grumpy and gets grumpy at George a lot and it makes George sad so he just wanted a little break for a little while, like you know when you get a little sad and you get big feelings and you don’t know how to handle them, sometimes grown-ups like Matty and George we have even bigger feelings and it’s even harder to handle so sometimes we need a break”, Louis was nodding along with me as I was chatting looking up at me with his big brown eyes, he always seemed like he knew what I was saying and taking in what I said. He then brung his hand up to his chin and scrunched his face up like he was thinking.

“Well if he needs a big hug and someone to make the big feelings better, I can help right?”

“Of course you can kiddo, well done you for using your big brain, now I think it’s breakfast time don’t you?”, he quickly nodded his head and smiled up at me as he slid off of my lap and made his way back outside, I heard him give George a high five down the hallway, Moments after George came back in tying his tie.

“Is that yours or mine, I can’t find mine”, he finished tying it then began brushing his hair while thinking about it.

“Isn’t yours in you bag with your blazer you took em off on the way home on Friday, why you don’t have more than one blazer I’ll never know but I’m pretty sure there both in your bag, also glasses on your face before we leave please”, George is literally a saviour at this point, always keeping an eye on me, keeping me in line, as does Adam, but if I wanna get up to mischief Rosso is the man to call.

“Alright dad” , I looked at him through the mirror and gave him the cheekiest smile I could muster as he rolled his eyes at me, I did however put my glasses on. “Hey George, do you think it would be weird if I wore my packer at school, I wear it sometimes but I’ve got PE today and I don’t know if that’s a smart idea??”

“Dude if it’ll make you feel good, and comfortable, go for it, Ross is in your Gym class right, so that way if anyone says anything gentle giant is there to help”

“Uh-huh. Em alright, I’ll be back in a minute then”, I picked up my small bag the has my STP (a device that helps trans men use the toilet standing up, it can sit in your boxers and it can also help you feel less dysphoria because it creates the illusion that you have a slight bulge where it’s supposed to be, it’s very helpful), and scurry to the bathroom , in the bathroom I fix up my STP , brush my teeth, apply deodorant, I haven’t had a shower in a while my heads just not been in a good place and having to shower , see myself naked really isn’t something I’ve wanted to be faced with right now. Once I’ve checked that everything looks right and I’m happy with it I head back through to my bedroom, George is now laying back on the bed fully dressed and phone in hand.

“All set”, I mumble a quick “yes” and slide back onto the bed next to him.

“Can I ask you something”

“Go ahead man”

“Well uh…. I know you’ve probably noticed ….so I don’t really know why I’m telling you…but I ain’t showered since like Wednesday night and I know that’s rank…..” I watched George place his phone down on the bed as I started talking and he turned his full attention to me

“Cuz you haven’t been feeling all that great right now, right, dysphoria beating your ass??” He interrupted before I could even finish. Not that I minded.

“Yeh , how did you know?”

George paused for a moment to think about what to say, looking at me deeply. “You’ve just got these little tells I guess, like it’s always pretty obvious , well to me at least , when your feeling like that, I’ve been around you often enough to notice them”

“Really??, like what!?”

“It depends where you are” , he slightly shrugged his shoulders and scrubbed a hand over his face then began talking again,” when you’re at school and it comes on you get really irritable but very quiet you know like , everyone irritates you and you get all hopped up and want to fight everyone”, hearing that causes me to giggle a little bit because he’s really not wrong. “But your like also dead quiet when your around us at school or you just don’t go , but when your at home and feel shitty, you tend to kind of just go off the rails a little and not look after yourself, not sleeping a wink , you don’t eat, and just constantly try to keep yourself distracted but stay in bed all day being really clingy with me”

“Oh , I…uh….I didn’t know I was clingy….I’m sorry”, hearing that I get clingy with George without even realising it makes me feel bad because as I’ve said I hate relying on others to feel good.

“Hey lad ….don’t apologise, I’m just glad I can help, come on, your mum made porridge for breakfast, we can have breakfast and get going, where running late”, George got off the bed, the grace of a gazelle and helped me off. “Anyway where were you going with the conversation, I kind of interpreted you?”

I ruffled my hair again as we left my room , closing my door behind me. “Oh uh , nevermind it’s okay it doesn’t matter, it’s not important”, I pray to every god that he doesn’t continue asking but I know he will he always does.

“Come on , it must have been important if you mentioned it , please come on you can tell me” , we both trundled done the stairs heavy footed , like a heard of elephants.

“ um I was , uh , just going to ask if you could like maybe help me , like shower tonight , I’ll close the curtain obviously but just sit in with me and talk to me, keep me distracted”

“If that’s what you need then that’s what I’ll do, that is important Matty , don’t just shrug off your feelings okay , especially if they’re important enough that they’ll affect your mood okay , please don’t.” , I just nodded as we got to the kitchen and sat down next to each other