Latest Posts by sadjapes - Page 6

Something for an old friend I'm not sure I'm still on good terms with.

Jaze, a mix between all my OCs.

Konpeito/Japes/Jakelope, or what I have left of them in my files.

My first real furry OC and I made it to fit in but I don't know. I just draw elves and anthro I guess.

Had them for 10 years.

More quarter angles. Oops!

More Jake I dug up. More quarter angles. It just happens that way. I'm perpetually trying to draw a nice icon but I always end up failing.

My Oc Caster. He can control the weather. I've been ruminating this character for years and it's based off of Ausayn and my first Oc I ever made, a Squirrel in 4th grade. He also has clouds in his ears and on his coat.

Quarter angles whoo!

Something funny back when I was big into FFXIV.

Got my archive I had from the past 3 years off my phone storage. Have more Glowworm.

From drawing on Twitch for an hour a day ago or so.

I wish I could keep myself from dissociating and thinking of everything that's happened and then obsessing. I didn't think I'd end up this way. It's hard to deal with and let go.

Somehow, I have to let go of the past when I'm not having memory issues.

More of Jake trying to find a new style to draw him in and age him up more.

An experimental piece I made in 20 minutes or so to find a new design for Jake and way to draw for fun.

TJ from earlier this year.

Glowworm from earlier this year.

I've survived a lot of terrible things and mistreatment and the mental illnesses I deal with. I ran away from so many places and burned all my bridges and now I have only myself to blame for it.

It's all my fault in the end isn't it.

PC soon. I'll stop complaining so much. Just felt desperately alone and hopeless.

I'm sorry to all my friends old and new and loved ones I didn't mean to turn out insane and irksome or bothersome. I wish I had been able to keep my reputation when my last relationship ended. I've done so much I wish I hadn't. It'll never be okay or the same.

I forget things too much.

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.

Never thought I'd be 33 and ruin all my friendships and relationships while dealing with my mental illness. Wish I could explain what it's like to people when you lose your ability to function in reality during an episode of psychosis.

I'm alone but maybe one day I won't be. After suffering from schizophrenia for 5 years and multiple hospitalizations and ruining all my friendships I hope I can find something or somebody to talk to and relate to. I hope one day I can do something with my art. I am scared and have been canceled before. I have made so many mistakes in life and left places feeling less than. But I hope it will be okay one day and the pain will go away.