I've Survived A Lot Of Terrible Things And Mistreatment And The Mental Illnesses I Deal With. I Ran Away

Somehow, I have to let go of the past when I'm not having memory issues.

Even if the abuse didn’t “feel bad” at the time, it was still abuse. And you are still allowed to feel whatever you feel about it. 

It's all my fault in the end isn't it.

Something for an old friend I'm not sure I'm still on good terms with.

It is okay to make mistakes. You are going to fail at times in life, and that is okay. That is part of existence. You make a mistake and life will continue on. You are not defined by your mistakes.

I really needed this right now...

Occasionally, it hits me that I can just disappear. I can be whoever I want to be. Whatever I've told people, whatever anyone knows of me can all be history. I can move on and become a totally different person if I wanted to. Anyone can. I think that's what's so scary.

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.