Socially I've Ruined Myself By Being Insane And Having Bpd Like Symptoms And Now I'm Just Rotting Inside

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”

— Tupac Shakur

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

Being mentally ill is ok. It's not shameful or embarassing. A lot of people have some kind of mental illness and you're allowed to be as private or open about ot as you wish. You're not a criminal for being sick.

From drawing on Twitch for an hour a day ago or so.

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.

I wish I could keep myself from dissociating and thinking of everything that's happened and then obsessing. I didn't think I'd end up this way. It's hard to deal with and let go.

I've survived a lot of terrible things and mistreatment and the mental illnesses I deal with. I ran away from so many places and burned all my bridges and now I have only myself to blame for it.

“Repeat after me: My current situation is not my final destination.”

— Unknown

Ain't nothing like getting back to yourself after going through some shit.