The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Recap

Today is traditionally Henley Monday. It's usually a day for just a little bit of good-looking distraction when we're feeling tired and focusing on our own needs. But while I was working on today's post, the news broke about the explosions at the Boston Marathon. So I decided to change courses just a bit.

On a day when we normally need distractions from that which annoys us, let's focus on the things we're grateful for and put some good energy back into the world. 

Mr. Rogers is not only a national treasure and model of casual menswear at its finest, but someone who always brought positive light and who, even in death, reminds us of the overwhelming good that still exists even in the most trying and confusing of times in our human existence.

Say a prayer or send out your thoughts of peace and healing to the innocent people affected by the tragedy, and say a prayer for the helpers, for the people still working to make things right. Be a helper yourself if you can. Let's bring some comfort and do Mr. Rogers proud.

Menswear Fun Fact: The red sweater Mr. Fred Rogers is wearing in this picture is now on display at the Smithsonian as a "Treasure of American History". That is some powerful casual wear.

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

I wish I could’ve gotten this up sooner but unfortunately I was trapped at the Cook County Criminal Courthouse fulfilling my civic duty of jury duty and contemplating suicide. I’m still on my way home as I type BUT never fear. Here are the rules to your favorite drinking game - THE BACHELOR DRINKING GAME.

Juan Pablo says "ees ok"

Juan Pablo says something deeply stupid, beyond a translation issue

Clare talks about her Dead Dad

You can see Nikki's bird tattoo

Chris Harrison says "most dramatic finale ever"

Helicopter rides!

Juan Pablo is an inconsiderate, narcissistic ass

Voice over happens while Juan Pablo is shirtless on a balcony, or walking on a beach, hands in pockets

One of the women says "fairy tale I've always dreamed of"

Neil Lane the King of the Diamond Peddling Lizards appears!

Happy drinking! 

*I ALMOST FORGOT*

*Bonus* Full Shot - If Clare shows him the Dead Dad DVD

-If Juan Pablo ends up alone

And if Juan Pablo ends up alone AND sees the Dead Dad DVD? Well, then we have to drink until we can't feel the shame and sadness anymore.

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.

Tribute Time: Best of Game of Thrones Finale

The Top 5 Best Parts of Sunday's Game of Thrones Season 2 Finale

5) The Westerosi Wedding Vows - "I am his, and he is mine, from this day, until the end of my days" Dayum, Robb Stark, you always look razor fine in that fur cape, even when marrying a girl with a honker nose and breaking a pretty important vow/treaty. Except, duh, Robb would not be saying his vows to the Seven, but rather his father's Old Gods of the North.

                    4) Theon's Speech and Subsequent Concussion - We have all been wanting all season for Theon to get a serious blow to the brains, and we finally got one! It did, however, come from one of his own men after he gave, truly, a "good speech". What is dead, may never die, Theon, but what is douchey may always be bitch slapped. FOR WINTERFELL!

                           3) Tyrion Lannister - Can we just give Peter Dinklage all the awards for acting we have? Let's just give him all of them forever and ever amen. I mean that scene with Shae, COME ON! He is a Lannister who makes me feel feelings OTHER than rage and disgust!!! PS - Yay, Podrick Payne!

                     2) Jaqen H'ghar - Sexual Bad Ass and Faceless Man. Is valar morghulis Braavosi for, "let's make out"? I hope so, Jaqen, but can it be with your old face and red hair, not the new guy?

                  1) Dracarys - Daenerys Targaryen once again shutting it down with her dragons and fire and magic and righteous punishments for treasonous jerks and all around amazingness and perfectly flawless hair. You are blood of my blood, Khaleesi.

            Honorable Mention: The Others' Arrival; Brienne Serves Lady Catelyn; Joffrey Baratheon Hitting on Margaery Tyrell; Sansa's Wee Smile after Getting Dumped in the Throne Room

                           You doin' alright, Joff? Oh what, that? Yeah, no, that's how they always dress in Highgarden. Oh? It's...no, it's okay, your grace, it happens to every man.

The Many Gifts of Paul F. Tompkins -

It is an indisputable fact that Paul F. Tompkins is a giver. He is a dapper gentlemen, a character actor at a genius level, everyone's favorite podcast guest and podcast-er. He is a giver who won't stop giving us delightful comedy treats.

His Youtube interview series "Speakeasy" is just one of the latest delights put forth by Mr. Tompkins. Each week he gets a superstar of the acting and/or comedy world (Aziz Ansari, Damien Lewis, Judy Greer, and Tony Hale to name a few). The interviews are a great peak behind great entertainers that break them down into real people and then blow you away with their hard work and artistry.

This week's episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar is on the shorter side at 13 minutes, but you won't even notice it. Nor will you notice the time passing as you go down the rabbit hole with the next interview that you just can't miss. Enjoy! Happy passing the time like lightening! Bless and keep you PFT!

"The Mindy Project" - A Season 1 Primer

The second season of The Mindy Project premiers tonight, and it’s one of the shows I’m most excited to see back on my TV screen. Maybe you are not like me and did not watch every episode of this show last year when it first aired, and then watched them all a second time (others a third…oops) right when the season ended in May. And maybe you are not like me and would NOT need to obsessively watch every episode of the first season before starting in on season two this evening. I am self-aware enough to know that I am insane and obsessive about my TV and accommodating enough to help you get ready for this very exciting premier.

It’s a primer! A pre-premier primer. It’s a list of the six best episodes of the season that give you a taste of what the show’s all about and catch you up on the plot just enough to get what’s going on in the premier tonight.

1.       “In the Club” – This is the third episode of the season, and the first one where I really saw the potential of the show. You should never judge any show, but particularly comedies, by their pilot episode and TMP’s kind of struggled for me. In the Club is a much better intro to the characters and the dynamic of the group at Schulman & Associates.

2.       “Thanksgiving” – Anna Camp, playing Mindy’s best friend Gwen, is featured heavily and very well here. This episode also guest stars the delightful Ed Helms! The Mindy Project has the greatest revolving door of guest stars maybe ever in a network sitcom. The highlight vignette for me is the storyline at Betsy’s home with Dr. Reed. Great, emotional story telling with the humor strung through in all the right places.

3.       “Josh and Mindy’s Christmas Party” – Ike Barinholtz’ as Morgan Tookers is far and away the funniest guy on the show. He gets me with real, out-loud laughs every time. I’m also a sucker for Christmas episodes, and TPM’s is a great one with plenty of love and also drama. Most importantly there’s a lot of that building sexual tension between Danny Castellano (Chris Messina) and Mindy.

4.       “My Cool Christian Boyfriend” – It was important to include this episode for certain plot aspects. We meet Mindy’s hunk du jour in Anders Holm as Casey, a “cool Christian” minister. The office takes a field trip to a women’s prison, and you can just imagine the hell that breaks loose. Now that we’ve all seen Orange is the New Black, we see prison differently, but it still holds up.

5.       “Santa Fe” – Do you want to see Clay Matthews giving a run down on Downton Abbey? Do you want to see Dr. Reed (Ed Weeks) and Morgan (Ike Barinholtz) becoming bros for life in a sweat lodge? Do you want to lose your mind in excitement over the least possible amount of physical contact between two characters? You do! The answer is: YOU DO.

6.       “Take Me With You” – The Season One finale sets up all the plot you’ll need to understand what exactly is happening when the show premiers tonight. You get the exciting image of Anders Holm reading David Sedaris in a tent. You get building sexual tension between Danny and Mindy. You get a scene where someone runs to express emotions realized! It’s a lot and a great crescendo to end the season.

Obviously I recommend watching the whole season once you’ve got yourself up to speed tonight. All of The Mindy Project is available to you on multiple streaming formats: Hulu, HuluPlus, FoxNOW app (and other less legal services I’m sure).  Please join in my obsessive love for the Mindy Project at 9:30 EST/ 8:30 CT Tuesdays on Fox.

Henley Monday - 100TH POST!!!

Friends, brethren, fellow aficionados of men's casual wear, it is with high head and swelling heart that I bring to you the 100th post here on Pop Culture Polar Bear.

For this momentous occasion, I thought long and hard about the pictures I would select and the men I would feature. After much toiling, the only right thing to do was to bring you my top two favorite hunks. Mr. Ryan Gosling and Captain "Chris Evans" America.

Never in the storied history of fashion have two men fully understood and appreciated the full majesty of the henley shirt quite so well as these two. May God continue to bless them in all their endeavors, and may He continue to bless our eyes with the sight of men rocking this timeless piece.

Bonus Ryan Gosling and his dog George!!!

DOUBLE BONUS CAPTAIN AMERICA TUSHIE!!!!!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

WOW. QUICK TURN AROUND. We’re already onto the next episoderight after I posted the last recap. I thought about posting everything all at once, but that’s a lot of pressure. So I didn’t. You get it.

Anyways! Once again, we still have a Rose Ceremony to get through in Iowa to determine who the other three women with hometown dates will be.

Oh my God. Just kidding. Becca has a one-on-one date in Des Moines today. I can’t believe they’re putting us through this. Chris has a chill date with her at the loft he’s staying in. They have a detailed discussion about how Becca’s never been in love before, but that she really feels a strong connection with Chris. They feel strongly for each other but are excited to have more time to figure out their relationship. They watch the sunset from his rooftop and kiss a lot. Quick and painless.

In the hotel suite, the women are sitting around and talking about the Show Down Blow Down from the night before when Britt walks in. She tells the other girls that she has packed her bags and will most likely leave before the rose ceremony the next night. They are surprised because she has such a strong connection to let one rose blow it all.

Britt explains that it’s not as “petty” as just one rose, but rather that she had expressed that she could see herself as his wife and moving to Iowa. She starts to cry.  All the other women are just blankly looking at her because that is what you do on this show. You tell the guy you could envision being his wife and then maybe he doesn’t pick you first. And maybe he doesn’t pick you at all. Britt is just functioning from a delusional place about how this show works. It’s a cracked situation to be sure, but that’s the whole crux of the show. You open up to a man who has all the power and never know where you stand with him.

Britt feels the antagonism of the other women and continues to cry. She leaves the room to cry more, and the women essentially agree that if she really wants to leave, to just leave. Get out and save everyone the drama.

As the women gather in their Modest Ass Suite to assemble for the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony, Chrarrison enters to break the news that there will be no cocktail party. Britt is freaking out because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris she was going home. Jade is worried because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris that she did nude modeling. Whatever will happen?!

They assemble at a beautiful mansion for the cocktail party. Chris starts in on his speech about how he’s truly falling in love and believes in the process, but that the decisions he had to make this week were the hardest yet. And just then, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside to talk for “like two seconds.”

Here we go.

As soon as she leaves the room, the women are up in arms. Kaitlyn explains that Britt can’t stand the thought that he might reject her, so she wants for him to beg her to stay or to get the final word and leave before he can dump her. Preach, Kaitlyn! Even Whitney is upset by how selfish she’s being because they are all feeling the same emotions as her. Again, selfish in terms of the show, not real life. Never mistake this show for real life.

But don’t worry, Chris gets to actually shut Britt down all on his own. She is just trying to apologize and be so earnest with him about the other night, and she asks if he has anything to say in reply to her. He doesn’t really but she pushes. And finally he reveals that her behavior just confirmed things he’d heard from other women in the house about Britt being not the most honest person.

Britt then demands to know who said those things. “Was it Carly?” she asks.

“Does it matter?” Chris replies. Britt insists that it does, but Chris doesn’t budge. From that point on it’s all downhill. Britt is scrambling to get ground and a word in edgewise, but Chris plows through ending it all with. “The way Carly reacted was what I would want in my future. And the way you reacted disrespected myself and everyone around you, and that’s something that I don’t want for a wife.”

BOOM. Wow. So Chris still sent her home on his own terms, but he’s still rattled by the whole ordeal. Britt walks out and immediately starts uncontrollably sobbing and sits in the dirt and leaves. Carly is triumphant, but Britt feels so betrayed by Carly. We will be seeing more on that dynamic at the Women Tell All, mark my words.

But Britt, you can’t blame Carly for the way you threw a temper tantrum at Chris for not getting your way. At the end of the day, you dug your own grave on that one.

After composing himself, Chris comes back into the room to explain what happened. He says it was for the best and thanks the people who spoke up about Britt because it only confirmed the suspicions that he was already having.

Whitney gets the first rose (obviously), then Becca, and then Jade gets the final rose. Which means our dear Carly is going home. Carly ultimately got too caught up in the Britt Situation where she should have forged ahead with her relationship with Chris. But I stand by what I said that Carly deserves better than Chris Soules. I wish her the best and look forward to seeing her at the Women Tell All.

The women are sad to see her go. Carly is so upset to be back in the place she feels she always is, but she will overcome. If what you wanted was to feel wanted and like a priority, the Bachelor was not the place to go methinks.

With Carly sent on her way, we move into the Hometown Dates.

We start out in Shreveport (TRUE BLOOD!!!!), Louisiana with Becca. Becca is so beautiful it’s stupid. She is sweet, but is there anything there? We spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I don’t know much about Becca other than her being a virgin. Seems like a great way to generalize a woman’s personality: virgin. Cool. Modern. Feminist.

As they canoe through the bayou, Becca warns Chris that this is the first time she’s ever brought someone home to meet her family. Chris gets very nervous. Becca assures him that he’ll be fine because her feelings for him are real.

“Even though I’ve never been in love before, I’m assuming it starts with the feelings I’m feeling right now,” Becca tells us. She seems like she has a lot of depth.

Becca’s big Louisiana family welcomes Chris with open arms. I can tell right away that Becca’s older sister Katie is going to be trouble.

To wit, Katie pulls Chris aside right away to shoot straight about his feelings for her sister. She starts the conversation by saying how surprised she was that Becca let him touch her knee.

“Becca’s not an intimate person by any means,” she explains. Oh, ok. Cool, cool. Seems like something that is definitely your place to share.

Chris sits down with Becca’s mom next, and she reiterates a lot of the same feelings that Katie impressed upon Chris. The whole conversation can be summed up in her mom’s parting words of, “Don’t break my daughter’s heart. Be sweet. Be tender.” Gross. Bye!

Meanwhile, Becca and Katie are talking about how Chris doesn’t yet know that she’s waiting until marriage to have sex. They come to the decision that waiting until the Fantasy Suite would be a good moment to share her decision with him, and that if all else, they can use the Fantasy Suite to just have some quality time and order room service.

“But the sugar donut is all the treat you’ll be having tonight,” Katie jokes of what Becca might say to Chris in the most disgusting way possible to say “no sex for you.” So odd.

Then it’s time for Chris to leave, and Becca doesn’t want him to go. As they’re kissing good-bye, Chris whispers, “Can I tell you a secret? You’re coming with me.” Why is this whole date tinged with creepiness?

They go to the State Fair to ride the Ferris Wheel. They make out a ton. Becca thinks she’s officially falling in love. The end.

Next up we’re in Chicago for Whitney’s hometown date. They are claiming to be in Chicago, but it’s really some outlying suburb. Instead of giving Chris a tour of the city, she is giving him a tour of her life.

“So what do you say we go make a baby?” she winks. Normally I’d groan and be sick to my stomach but I find Whitney’s exuberance to be genuine and contagious? What’s happening to me?

Chris is blown away to see how passionate Whitney is about her job and how smart she is. She shows him all the parts of how they do what they do at the fertility clinic. She even shows Chris the “Man Room” where they get the male specimen. It’s all very tongue in cheek and they are giggling the whole time. It is high comedy.

Before they go see Whitney’s family at a cool apartment downtown, Chris makes sure to ask Whitney which member of her family he should ask to get their blessing in marriage. It’s actually a really nice gesture. Whitney tells him she’d like him to ask her older sister.

They head inside to meet her family. It’s her older sister Kimberly, her brother-in-law, her Uncle Johnny, and her adorable grandma. There’s someone else there too that was not introduced to us, so that’s weird.

Uncle Johnny and Chris talk together, and Chris seems much more passionate about Whitney and who she is than he was with Becca. Uncle Johnny describes her as a perfect combination of vulnerable yet strong. Chris loves that.

Then we see Kimberly and Whitney having a very real discussion that’s not at all rehearsed. They are arguing, really, about whether or not Kimberly will give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney. Whitney wants a proposal from him, but Kimberly is not willing to give her blessing with three other women still in the competition. She doesn’t feel comfortable with that, but Whitney wouldn’t feel comfortable saying yes to him without her permission.

Whitney is really emotional and completely understands why Kimberly is so protective with both their parents being gone at a relatively early age. And Kimberly explains to Chris her feelings exactly when he does ask. She explains that she doesn’t want her sister to be one of four, she wants her to be the One to guarantee that he could take care of her the way she does, the way their mom did.

“I want that for her, so call me when you have that for her,” Kimberly says. I think that’s a fair compromise. Whitney is upset to hear that’s the way the conversation went, but Chris tells her that he’s ok with that.

Then to reveal to Chris that she’s fallen in love with him, she shows him a bottle of wine. She bought it in Napa a few years ago, and it was very expensive. But she bought it and told herself that she would share it with the man she wanted to marry. So they share it together. Chris kisses the crap out of her to show his appreciation for that. Whitney feels great about where they are and great about where they could be once the show ends. Me too, frankly. I’ve said it from day one: Whitney makes sense for Chris.

Next up is Kaitlyn in Phoenix, Arizona. Her family is from Alberta, Canada but winter in Arizona, so that’s where they’ll be meeting. How very posh!

She meets Chris is a dirty back alley and man is he worried about that HA HA HA! But they move right into a cool recording studio. So they AREN’T having their date in an alley. Hoo. That was rich. They are going to be laying down some sweet rap tracks. I would rather strangle myself with a live eel than watch this. But here I am.

Watching them recall different things they did so they can write a “rap” hurts me in my soul. Kaitlyn is having a blast because he takes it so seriously. One of the lines is “family means everything and so does an engagement ring.” I WANT TO DIE. I can only imagine the twisting of disgust in the pit of the producer’s stomach that is helping them record. Chris is SO bad at rapping and they are RUINING this art form.

They have fun with it though. I’m glad someone enjoyed that experience.

We finally get to her family and they are SUPER Canadian. We meet Kaitlyn’s mom, step-dad, dad, step-mom, and her sister. Chris then explains how glad he is that even though her parents are divorced, they’ve found a way to make family work.

“It definitely shows me that even in an unconventional family, there’s still a lot of love and support,” he says.

And then I paused Hulu so I could scream at the TV: UNCONVENTIONAL? UNCONVENTIONAL? OH, WOW, YES  DIVORCED AND REMARRIED PARENTS, HOW F***ING UNCONVENTIONAL! HOW RARE AND SPECIAL! OH AND WOW THEY STILL MANAGE TO LOVE EVEN THOUGH SOMEONE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED WHAT A F***ING SHOCK, YOU DULLARD PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, on this show makes me more enraged than the implication that children of divorce are somehow less capable of relationships. It drives me up the wall and statements like the one Chris just made are the root of all that. What an absolute, small-minded, piece of shit person thinks that divorced and remarried parents is unconventional in 2015? I don’t even know that we’d call Whitney’s family “unconventional” because THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS UNCONVENTIONAL FAMILIES. THERE’S JUST PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER AND MAYBE THEY’RE RELATED AND MAYBE THEY’RE NOT BUT JESUS CHRIST, BACHELOR, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL.

Anyhoodle, back to the date. The date starts off very well because Kaitlyn’s “unconventional” family is so warm and welcoming. Her mom is especially thrilled to have Chris there.

Kaitlyn’s mom pulls her aside to chat about the standard mom concerns that even though Kaitlyn is falling in love, she has to be careful because he could break her heart.

As they leave the house, Kaitlyn sets Chris up to see something. She’s very nervous about being so vulnerable. Chris turns around to see a digital billboard lit up that says “Kaitlyn <3 Chris”. Remember when he did that for Andi last season with a plane? It’s a way of letting her guard down to tell him she loves him and to still be cute. It’s fine, I guess.

In Gary, Nebraska, the dark cloud hanging over Jade is both figurative and literal. She really wants to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy, and is also worried her family might break it to him first. They get straight into the family visit portion.

As Chris talks with Jade’s dad and then her brothers, they are all hinting towards a secret that Jade has. Chris is starting to get worried because they are all not so subtly hinting about how she is a “wild mustang” and a “free spirit”. Her brother Zack is also just concerned about Jade’s willingness to move to Iowa.

“I feel like she’s a hot mustang, but I don’t know about a wild side,” Chris says as he tries his hand at a joke. Again, stop.

After the family date, Jade and Chris have a chat about how Chris doesn’t understand why they keep referring to this wild side he hasn’t seen. Jade takes this opportunity to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy. She feels like she’s been harshly judged in the past, but explains that she was just going through a time of being free and taking chances at new opportunities. She then comes clean and tells him that she posed nude for the magazine.

Chris is speechless and graceless in handling this. Jade asks to show him some pictures and he just shrugs that if it’s going to make her feel better, then sure. He’s very uncomfortable and feels very strange about it.

He’s being super judgmental of her and everything she’s showing him.

“Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl. I would never have expected something like this to be a part of her past,” Chris tells the cameras. Ok. Sure. Surprising is fine, but I still feel like he’s being really condescending towards her in the interviews. He tells her to feel fine about it, but I don’t think he means it.

“I know you for who you are as a person, and I respect you,” he tells her. And yes, he should listen to that. She is a person not just someone who posed nude. I don’t love Playboy because it is strictly and specifically for the male gaze, but Jade is an adult woman who can make her own decisions about what to do with her body. Prizing “innocence” is such a lie, so I hope he doesn’t let this color how he views her though I know he probably will.

For the rose ceremony this week, everyone gathers in Dubuque, Iowa. The Iowa Tourism Board really won the lottery with this whole dog and pony show. Chris calls Whitney first because now that Brit is gone, we can all agree that she is the front-runner in this thing. Then he calls Kaitlyn, and lastly he calls Becca.

Which means that Jade is going home. Is it necessarily because of what she shared with him this week? No, probably not. But did that color that big dumb goon’s perspective of what was already a relationship not advancing quickly enough? Certainly.

Jade is upset to be leaving, but once again, I have to urge her to see the forest through the trees that she deserves way better than that guy. She’s beautiful and quiet but astute and she deserves great love not some farmer whose face is currently the color of my favorite boots.

Oh wow. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and for the contestants. I’m excited to move towards the Fantasy Suite dates to see if anyone pulls ahead farther than Whitney. And frankly, who among these remaining women could be the next Bachelorette? I don’t know if I have seen her yet.

UNTIL THEN, JOURNEYERS! AU REVOIR!