The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.