The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

Henley Monday -

Yesterday was MLK Day and many of you had the day off to relax and reflect on the accomplishments of that great man and maybe watch some inaugural ceremony. Today is different though. Today is the Monday of your shortened week and sad, post-long weekend heart.

Worry not. I know how rough it is to get through shortened weeks sometimes. Sometimes they can feel the very longest of all, but Adam Scott is here to just listen. His cute, tiny face will stare directly and serenly at yours as you tell him the troubles of your work week.

This guy. He gets it. He knows how to be a man in a sweet, cozy henley and be a man who can support you. That's my kind of guy.

Henley Monday -

Happy first day back at work after a long weekend! It was a beautiful weekend up here in Chicago, and I hope everyone out there enjoyed the last official bits of summer fully. I know I did.

But maybe you enjoyed a little too fully and now the hours until you can go home and put on sweats and watch So You Think You Can Dance are dragging by? Enter Hugh Jackman looking fooooiiiiiine in this here crisp, white henley. Jackman doesn't get better than this.He is a tender, hyper-masculine PRINCE among mortals.

Keep it up with the TWO-SIDES Hugh; we love you for it.

I love the latest recap! And I thought I would help you out a bit... the C-list country star in the latest episode was Jon Pardi. He's had one song on the radio, I think. He's okay. It was weird that Andi said that Marcus was a big fan.

Thank you so much! I rewound a couple times trying to hear and even had a failed Google search but found nothing.

I am surprised that Marcus is a fan of country music at all. He strikes me as the kind of guy who thinks that Coldplay is without question the best band of all time, and to be really alternative sometimes he listens to Weezer's The Blue Album.

For anyone interested, click over the song title to be hyperlinked to Jon Pardi's hit single "Up All Night" (which is disappointingly not a country cover of the One Direction song by the same name).

Sex And The Single Churl: Another 'Bachelorette' Finale Gets Weird

Monday night's Bachelorette finale went in a very unusual direction for a show that usually denies the degree to which it's about sex.

At the end of our Very Special And Dramatic Finale Recap, I said that we still had some things to talk about. It hasn't been my habit to also recap the After the Final Rose special because it's usually just a time-filling parade of joy/despair. 

And this year was fairly similar; it doesn't warrant an entire recap. However, Nick was so distraught after his being dumped that he...said...some things on the special that deserve to be talked about. And I could try and parse them all out and whittle down my rage into thoughtful comments, but why bother when Linda Holmes has done so much more gracefully than I ever could?

So I defer, once again, to her infinite wisdom and humor to communicate not only the events of the AFR Special, but also to put them into thoughtful perspective. God, she rules.

Henley Monday -

One beautiful waif of a man, with the highest of cheekbones and most earnest spirit and love of the absurd. Matthew Gray Gubler is precious and adorable in too many ways to name.

He is our official Halloween Fesitivities Chaplain and he is festively festooned in the henley here striking out different poses because he knows how hard this week before Halloween will be to get through.

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

Henley Monday:

Did you think I forgot about you today, my babies? Did you think I thought you didn't need a studly hunk wearing fashion's greatest layering piece to get you from Monday night through til Tuesday?

NEVER. I would NEVER forget you. I might ALMOST forget you, but I would never actually forget.

Ryan Kwanten gets it. He understands a lot of things; namely, the way straight to our hearts and lady parts.

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

“I’m gonna frickin’puke…or cry,” – Carly, Cruise Ship Singer

I will not be recapping the Chris Tells All special becausewhat is there to tell, really? There is not much. There is not much to Chris and not much inside Chris’s burnt umber colored head, so there is not much to tell from inside it. We also get to hear Kelsey’s side of the story to which I say a hearty, “NO THANK YOU.” And Andi will be here to rip open the fresh wound from her split with Josh. It’s an hour of my life I wish I had back, frankly, so I won’t put you through it as well.

I will however be putting you through the remaining four hours of The Bachelor I watched this week. I will be recapping the full episodes, which starts back in Deadwood, South Dakota with the rose ceremony. I’m two glasses of wine deep already. We’ll see how this goes.

At the rose ceremony, Chris does have a little cocktail party to give all the women one last chance to speak their minds with him. And in his time with Megan, she asks him bluntly how he feels about her and if their relationship is at the same level with the others. Chris shoots her straight and basically tells her no. And she goes home right there and then. No rose ceremony for her. Megan is beautiful and sweet, and gives one of the most graceful exit interviews yet. Take luck, Megan, you sweet, simple baby!

Despite Megan going home already, there’s still a rose ceremony to go through. Chrarrison breaks the news that yet one more woman will be leaving the pack tonight. Chris and Chrarrs step aside to have an intimate discussion, but before they even sit down, Chris stops Chrarrs to say he doesn’t think he can do this.

“I have such a strong connection with each of the women in there,” Chris says.

The women are all freaking out that one more person will still be leaving. Carly is especially nervous, and when Kaitlyn asks how she’s doing Carly replies, “Like I’m gonna frickin’ puke…or cry.” WHAT A GEM! Haven’t we all felt just that way so many times? Like we’re gonna frickin’ puke or cry? I know that I’ve done both at the same time before! So this is a fair assessment of one’s emotions, Carly.

Just then, Chris comes back in the room to announce that there will in fact not be a rose ceremony tonight. The women heave a collective sigh of relief. Chris then tells all the women that they will be traveling to Iowa for the next week. The way they react is as if Tyra just told all the remaining models that they’re going to Sydney or Beijing. But it’s not Sydney or Beijing, it’s IOWA. Not that Iowa is the scourge of the Earth exactly, but I’m not stoked out of my mind to go there.

The girls are staying in Des Moines and are surprised that Iowa actually has trees and is pretty. The girls are staying in a VERY Modest Ass Suite, and are all freaking out about two things. The first is that next week is hometowns which means the pressure is mounting to really forge your connection with Chris aka tell him you're falling in love with him. The second is that this is Chris’s hometown date, essentially, and the pressure is on to find enjoyment here and really picture yourself spending your life here. If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life in Des Moines, I could probably muster through and find a way to thrive. But Arlington? ARLINGTON? IT IS A NOTHING PLACE WITH ZERO TOPOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT WAS FLATTENED BY A GLACIER DURING THE PREVIOUS ICE AGE. I MEAN I ASSUME IT WAS MUCH LIKE THE REST OF MY GLACIAL FLATLAND HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS. I WOULD DIE. I WOULD JUST WITHER AWAY LIKE A RAISIN IN THE SUN. DOES THAT WORK IN THIS SCENARIO? I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT. SORRY LANGSTON, IF I’M TAKING THAT TOO FAR OUT OF CONTEXT AND USING ONE OF YOUR MOST FAMOUS LINES IN A RECAP OF THE BACHELOR, BUT IT’S MY TRUTH.

Brit finds the very first date card, and it goes to Jade. It reads simply, “Join me in my hometown.” All the women are impressed with how much this means. There is a beauty in the farm stretching for miles and miles down the road, and yet, and yet…it’s all corn. Jade is overwhelmed by how much corn she’s seeing despite being from Nebraska. She acknowledges that being from a small town doesn’t put her “too much in the clouds” about the romanticism of small town life.

Chris shows Jade all around his house. “Chris’s house definitely has a bachelor feel…It’s not too bad, just needs a little tweaking,” she giggles.  Like, maybe, perhaps, and I’m just spit-balling here, a single thing to hang on the walls. And maybe, again, just a suggestion, ANY color other than grey, white, or shades of beige. Chris’s house is fifty shades of beige. 

I am never going to apologize for that joke.

Back at the Very Modest Ass Suite, Whitney gets the second one-on-one which will go down in Des Moines. The other women are very jealous, especially Brit. Brit was jealous of Jade because she gets to go really see Arlington, and she’s still very jealous of Whitney for getting a chance to spend so much time with him. She’s overcome with jealousy.

Chris, on the other hand, is giving Jade the most depressing tour in the history of the world. He’s showing her around the dilapidated remains of downtown Arlington and talking about how machines replaced people in the work force and how every shop in town is closed. There’s even a little “shop” that opens in the morning where his dad gets coffee and it’s just a guy who brews coffee and has people over to drink coffee. It’s like looking at those Dorthea Lange photos of the Dust Bowl, but on ABC during prime time.

Jade is horrified, but is trying to make Chris feel better about the place he comes from.

“Arlington just feels like this little ghost town,” she says. And as she’s waxing poetic about how deserted the whole town feels, they motorcycle over to the local high school to watch the football game. Everyone is there. It’s…grim. I want to tell you it feels just like Dillon, Texas and Friday Night Lights, but it. Does. Not.

Then Jade gets to meet Chris’s parents standing in the bleachers. WHAT ON EARTH? I remember really loving Chris’s mom, but I still feel so weird about this date. The sad poetry of the band playing the national anthem very poorly, as directed by a man with a ponytail, and filled out by members of the football team still in gear and playing trumpets…it’s…I mean…wow.

As if the football game wasn't enough, they then take a tour of the high school. Jade reveals that she was a bit of a rebel in high school and had a tough time. Chris is surprised by this and really wants to see that wild side she’s referring to. Jade almost tells Chris about something secret from her past but doesn’t quite. Then they make out in front of the lockers by his old English classroom.

“What we were doing had nothing to do with English,” Chris says, “It felt a lot more like French.” I wish this show wouldn’t try to forge moments of comedy. They’re already there.

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in Des Moines, and Chris and Whitney are excited to spend the day together. He takes Whitney to an art gallery because apparently Des Moines is into Art, and Chris wants to get into art too. They go through a gallery of photographs about love to get them inspired to “make their own art” around the city documenting their love. Barf no thank youuu. Whitney loves it though and sees it as a great opportunity to kiss.

In the Very Modest Ass Suite, a storm’s a brewing as per usual. Jade tells the other women about her date and when she gets to the part where they kissed in the football field to a chanting crowD, Britt puts on a big show about that making her cry. Carly is not amused. Carly says, “Britt thinks she’s the Bachelorette and she needs to be number one.” I don’t know if that’s true, but Britt certainly likes attention. Then Carly convinces all the other girls to go on a road trip to Arlington to see the reality of life there and what that might mean. It’s a full three hours away from Des Moines too which is a solid road trip distance.

As the car ride drags on, the girls’ enthusiasm dwindles. They arrive in deserted Arlington and are stunned to find that “that’s it.” They drove through in just a few seconds. There’s nothing more to the town than what they see, and they are distraught. There is nothing open in town whatsoever. They even resort to asking some locals where to eat. A nice, older man in a Call of Duty shirt (who ends up being the town pastor) tells them there’s nowhere in Arlington to eat. Britt is overwhelmed by just how small the town is.

Back in Des Moines, Chris and Whitney get dinner in a hip restaurant. Whitney even gets to meet three of Chris’s best friends. She feels so lucky to get to meet his friends and see Chris how he would be if they spend their lives together. Whitney answers all their questions with flying colors.

The women return to Des Moines to tell Jade that she was right. Arlington is small and depressing. Britt, despite her earlier protestations, has decided that she could in fact see herself there because the sunset was so beautiful. Carly doesn’t buy that one little bit; no she does not. Carly is flabbergasted at how “fake” Britt is being because earlier in the day, Britt had told Kaitlyn and Carly how there is no way she could survive in Arlington. Now she’s singing a very different tune, and Carly is miffed.

I think what we have here with Carly is a multi-faceted situation. I think, firstly, Carly is entertaining. She gives a great sound byte and is funny and entertaining without trying too hard. I also think that Carly is suffering from good old fashioned jealousy here. Knowing Carly’s insecurities, and relating to them personally myself, I can see how a lot of this anti-Britt sentiment might actually just be resentment and jealousy of the connection Britt obviously shares with Chris. We also have the unseen producers playing a hand in all this drama. I’m unsure how much of it is real, and how much is being amplified by the urging of and editing by the producers.

Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are going on a group date together. “I see our future together,” reads the date card. Carly’s anti-Britt sentiments really take a turn for the insane when she draws a little face on her hand and makes it talk like Britt. “After tomorrow, the only thing you’re going to be left with is your rose colored lipstick,” Carly threatens to her own hand. It’s a bonkers move, to be sure, but I again have to question whether this was Carly’s brainchild or at the behest of the producers.

Whitney and Chris’s date is still happening for anyone who cares. She was great. Chris loved it. She loved it. Who cares? Those two will take care of themselves. One important thing to note is that Whitney tells Chris that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father at all, and that her mother died tragically. She tells the story without begging for sympathy or being maudlin. It’s impressive. I really like Whitney. Chris does too. He’s so impressed by her at every turn.

The final surprise of the date is that Chris (the producers) chose his favorite picture of their day to get slapped on the wall outside of the restaurant as a mural. It looks better than just a photo pasted on a wall, there are some blocks of color and they are outline in black and white. Whitney is blown away, and Chris is quite proud of himself (the producers).

“This is the most amazing moment of my entire life,” Whitney gushes. She and Chris kiss a bunch. And in this moment, Whitney believes she’s officially in love with Chris.

Jade is starting to be really weighed down by a secret she has, so she sets out to get the weight off her shoulders. She decides to confide in our trusty friend Carly and ask for advice on how to talk to Chris about it.

“A couple years ago, I did some nude modeling for Playboy,” Jade reveals.

A big fat, “Really?” is all we get out of Carly. The conversation actually goes as well as one could hope. Jade’s main concern is that Chris finds out from her so she can explain everything, rather than him finding out through some other means. She’s also very concerned about his family’s reaction and that they don’t judge her too harshly for the decisions she made in the past.

Now it’s time for the very last group date of the season. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt are surprised by Chris standing at center ice of an ice rink in a huge stadium. The group date rose is what everyone is most concerned with, but I’m concerned with the fact that Britt seems to have lost the bottom half of all her shirts. Does she own any shirts that aren’t crop tops? Isn't her midriff always cold? 

They all skate around very poorly and try to play hockey. Chris is very, very bad at skating. It’s delightful to watch that giant man fall over and over again. But after the fun, we get to see Britt’s one-on-one time with Chris.

They stand on an intricate pedestrian bridge over the river as Britt reveals that they snuck away to Arlington the day before. Carly and Kaitlyn are griping back on the ice about how they know she’s probably lying her face off right now to Chris about liking the broke-ass small town he’s from.

We see Britt telling Chris how the sunset over the cornfields made her fall in love with the idea of living there. And we see Carly hamming it up pretending to be Britt saying she “really loved it!” The parallel structure of Carly mocking Britt and then Britt doing exactly those things is pretty fun. We can’t blame Carly for bringing some much needed entertainment factor here.

“He’s just getting lies fed to him like frickin’ candy,” Carly says.

I don’t think Britt realizes she’s lying. Her story has stayed the same from yesterday to today of saying that at first she was really not ok with how small a town it was, and then the beauty of nature changed her mind. I think she thinks that’s true. But she is over-romanticizing it. The reality is that Arlington IS that small, and there is NOTHING to do there. She will very quickly get slapped back into that reality no matter how many beautiful sunsets you can see from the farm.

But Carly is convinced that Brit is just playing Chris. She thinks Britt is straight up lying to him and being “fake.” She’s so convinced of this, in fact, that she decides to confront Chris about it. To which I say NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PLEASE! WE SAW JUST LAST WEEK HOW IT NEVER PAYS TO BE THE WHISTLE BLOWER ON SOMEONE ELSE. Carly just worry about Carly! Don’t get so caught up in what Britt’s doing!

But she does. As soon as Carly and Chris sit down, she tells him everything about how Britt said she could never picture herself living there and then changed her tune so drastically. She then gets choked up saying, “I’m just really freaked out for you because I know you like her a lot, so just be careful.”

Chris thanks her for this and confides to camera that he takes seriously what Carly said.

“It was a real bomb what Carly just dropped,” he says. Chris determines to ask Britt about Arlington one more time to really see whether or not she’s lying.

Cut to the cocktail party held at a very cool antique salvage store/coffee shop into which the set dressers planted their myriad Pier 1 lanterns. Would you venture to believe that Britt is wearing a crop top? She is! Believe it!

Chris and Britt steal away first, with Chris set on confronting her about the Arlington Issue. Britt describes what a hometown date with her family might look like with everyone eating off paper plates in the living room. See? Britt’s family is just like as cool and chill and so offbeat as Britt. They like, aren’t like other families.

This time, when determining the validity of another woman’s statements, Chris does not throw Carly under the bus. He does some surprisingly good sleuthing by asking Britt again what her very first impression of his town was. She gives some cutesy answer like “is this the town before the town?!” He prods a little farther asking if at any point she was like, “Holy s**t, no way.”

To which Britt responds, “No. I was never like that but there was a shock factor.” So right there she reveals to Chris that she is lying. Because he trusts Carly, as do I, that Britt said something along the lines of “there’s no way I could live here” to both Kaitlyn and Carly.

So Chris knows she’s lying, BUT WHAT WILL HE DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. Nothing it turns out because Britt then says, “No matter where I am I wanna be a mom.” So Chris kisses her and they do a lot of gross, smacky kissing.

Kaitlyn proves to be very astute in saying that she doesn’t think Britt is lying to Chris so much as lying to herself about what she wants. Glad to know you agree with me Kaitlyn. We’re on the same page. Kaitlyn gets pulled away next and is determined to not be distracted by Britt. She reveals that she’s having a hard time because she knows they have a connection, but wants to make sure they are in a good place going forward. I like this honest, emotionally vulnerable look on her.

Chris does too, and so he goes to grab the date rose. Chris wants Kaitlyn to feel secure in the connection they have going into Hometowns. That is the most cliché Bachelor sentence in the world, and yet, it happened. This show is a parody of itself.

But, uh oh, don’t get too happy just yet. The dramatic music in a minor key starts up as we pan over the look of fury plastered upon Britt’s face. Britt pissed, y’all.

Britt pissed.

Britt so pissed she flipping her hair and cracking her knuckles and interrupting her fellow contestants as well as Chris. There is a siren blaring in the background to perfectly accent the temper tantrum she’s throwing.

And then Britt starts in on a rant about how she felt the day went really well for her and she opened herself up so much and she is really in a vulnerable place and how could Chris NOT give her the rose after saying how much she wanted him to meet her family? DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

She continues though! She then goes on about how she doesn’t want to feel like she’s second, third, or fourth place to anyone. She wants to feel that her husband puts her at number one. She wants to make sure that her husband really, really wants her above anyone else.

AGAIN, DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

THAT’S THE SHOW BRITT. IT ISN’T JUST YOU. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THERE DATING THE EXACT SAME GUY, SO SOME DAYS, YOUR “FUTURE HUSBAND” WANTS ANOTHER WOMAN MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS A FABRICATION AND BASTARDIZATION OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Chris fumbles through a defense of his actions, but is ultimately confused by what Britt’s saying to him.

“Like, if you feel like you don’t want to be here anymore? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m picking up right now,” he says.

“What would you say to that? I mean just speaking to me,” Britt replies. Carly is sitting directly next to Britt on the couch and keeps having to avert her eyes from the beyond uncomfortable situation playing out before her.

I’ve never seen something quite like this happen on the show before.

Chris continues to stumble through that he’s just confused by the position Britt is trying to put him in by saying these things. But then he really finds his ground.

“I don’t know what else there is to say. And out of respect to Carly and Kaitlyn, I don’t think there’s really anything else I can say to you right now. This is just one more chapter in this whole entire journey, and there’s tomorrow. And so I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Chris basically drops the mic and walks out.

This once again leaves the three women alone to process through exactly what just happened. What DID just happen? Kaitlyn stands up for herself saying that what Britt just did made her feel really bad. Britt apologizes saying that wasn’t her intention and then just whines more about how she feels like she never gets the focus time and again.

Carly has had a few glasses of wine at this point and is exclaiming all her statements like, “You have so much focus on you! It was just you last week! You had all the focus!” and “If anyone should be worried here, it’s Carly Waddell.” Guys, I still love Carly. I want her to know she deserves better than the likes of Chris Soules.

As Carly and Kaitlyn catch the other girls up on the drama, Britt weeps to camera about how badly she feels for putting the other girls in the middle of that. She is still so unsure whether or not she wants to bring Chris home to meet her father.

I believe that Britt is feeling conflicted and feels bad about hurting the other girls. I think her personality is really affected and put-on, but I don’t think she’s a bad, manipulative person. I think Carly is being a bit of a Mean Girl in regards to the whole situation and she may have to atone for these actions at the Women Tell All.

And with that, I bid you a quick adieu because the next episode is about to start! WHAT?! IT’S TOO SOON. OH GOD.

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

The smoke has finally cleared from the battle of that first fateful night in Bachelor Mansion. We begin week two on Farmer Chris’ journey to find love. Last week left with a bit of a cliffhanger, as one rejected contestant Kimberly refused to take no for an answer and marched herself right back into the mansion. How will this play out? Let us observe…

We open with an establishing shot of the mansion at night, though we all know that party raged on until dawn’s early light. Dramatic music plays over the champagne toast as all the women see Kimberly re-enter the room. She and Chris duck out to have a quick chat. The rest of the women sit down in their formalwear to discuss what could be happening.

“Can we just talk for even a few minutes? I just refuse to walk away from this so easily,” Kimberly implores Chris. He walks away to talk to Chris Harrison about his play here.  As all the women, particularly Dance Kaitlyn, say how much they hope she does not stick around, they walk back into the room hand in hand. Chris tells the other women that thanks to Kimberly having the nerve to come back and ask him for a second chance, he’s giving her just that. She’s back. And the women are displeased.

But the sun must rise on a new day. Chrarrison gathers the women after breakfast for the first pow-wow. He announces that Chris is living right down the driveway in the guest house and that it is in their best interest to “create time, find time, make the most of your time” with Chris. There are no rules. And with that, Old Chrarrs leaves the first group date card.

Jade, Kendra, Ashley S., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara will be going on a date where they will have to “show [him] their country”. The fact that Kimberly is on the first group date has ruffled some feathers, but I think it’s smart. He didn’t get to talk to her on night one, so he wants to talk to her and get to know if there’s a match there as soon as possible.

“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” Ashley I. tells us of the date. But she needn’t worry too much because the first half of the date is a rooftop pool party.

“I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband,” says Tara which seems right that she is the first one to invoke that psycho “future husband” talk.

The first side conversation is between Chris and Kimberly. To have a complete fresh start, Chris walks around the corner to pretend they are meeting for the first time. He and Kimberly seem to be sweet people and have a good time. I feel like this was a good choice by him, especially considering some of the crazies that are there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Jillian the News Producer and Megan sneak down to Chris’ house to explore and snoop. Jillian’s bikini bottom is so small that her butt is censored by a black bar for this entire adventure. Megan appears to be either touched, drunk, or a combination of the two as she puts on his motorcycle helmet and rams her head into the walls and the fridge to make sure it’s safe. So let’s put those two on our Crazy Radar and keep tabs.

Although the girls have enjoyed the pool party, they seem confused by it. They were told to “show your country” and as yet, nothing country has happened. So the producers have Chris lead all six women down the streets of LA in naught but their bikinis and shoes to, what else, a tractor pull.

So just to be clear: they walked down the public streets nowhere near the beach in their bikinis and now are going to be tractor racing in their bikinis which is not only exploitative but honestly sounds super painful and not very sanitary. I’ll bet someone show’s their “country”. There’s a whooooole lot of “country” about to be shown.

Tara is obviously thrilled out of her Florida mind and is hungry for a win. Chris is toeing this strange line between simple-sweet and secret perve for me. He really has all the personality of a field of soybeans.

The tractors take off! And they go very, very slowly. This is a source of great comedy for everyone involved. The race drags until finally Ashley I. pulls ahead to win the whole thing and some special one-on-one time with Chris.

As the women left behind eagerly await the next date card, we get a check in from Juelia who has such massive veneers she cannot speak properly with them. Juelia has a daughter named Ireland, and reveals that she was married to Ireland’s father. Her husband committed suicide right after the birth of their daughter. It’s super emotional. Someone asks if she knew he was struggling, and she replies “Yeah but I didn’t understand…I just feel so bad that I didn’t understand.” She’s crying a whole lot because of course she is. The other women are very supportive and sympathetic to her. Alright Juelia, now I’m totally on your side. You have had it ROUGH and you deserve to have great love again. What an emotional interlude to have right after a bikini-clad tractor race though.

 On the group date, we don’t get to see any of the one-on-one conversation with Ashely I. except to show how upset the rest of the women are that they are left alone. Chris is very uncomfortable with this whole situation of managing six women at once. When they come back from their chat, Chris asks Mackenzie to spend the rest of the night as a one-on-one with him, leaving the group date rose behind.

The other women are PISSED that their time is cut short, but they also think it’s sweet that he pulled Mackenzie aside because he recognized how nervous and shy she was. Tara is heartbroken and about to cry. Ashley I. feels “jipped” that she didn’t get the rose after winning the race. But that rose has not been handed out yet, and that means Mackenzie still might not get it. He might realize that she is a CHILD with a CHILD and not right for him. Her hair is also such a hot mess.

They’re at a posh bar called Escondite in LA which is out of the comfort zone for both of them. This leads immediately to a bit of discomfort that never quite leaves the whole conversation. Mackenzie observes that he once had his ears pierced, and he laughs saying “no one has ever noticed it before!” Which seemed like a good, kind of quirky start but then she starts in with, “Wanna know something crazy? Well not crazy, just kinda weird?” And she explains that her absolute, most important factor in a man’s attractiveness is a prominent nose. She does this while giggling and it’s very sweet and complimentary, I think. But in his talking head, Chris does not seem very amused or flattered. He thinks she’s weird. Go tell it to the wheat thresher, Soules.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there though. Mackenzie then asks,“Do you believe in aliens?” Chris stammers and flounders for words. Come ON, dude.

“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me,” he tells the camera.  Does it, Chris? Does the fact that on a first date she’s not talking about marriage and her five year plan raise some red flags? I would so much rather talk about aliens than any of that on a first date. PS – ALIENS ARE REAL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BASIC LAWS OF SCIENCE AND THE FACTS OF OUR KNOWN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE REAL. DON’T BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT, FARMBOY.

What is eating away at Mackenzie is that she hasn’t yet told Chris that she has a son. It’s making her nervous and coloring the conversation. She finally gets it out that she has a son named Kale, and he is very sweet about it. Of course he is; he can’t viscerally react to her being a single mom. She shows him a picture of him on her phone. He puts up with that as best as anyone can, “Oh wow he is so cute.”

But I guess that does the trick to convince Chris to give her the rose. She’s stoked out of her mind. They dance a little at the bar. I’m unimpressed. I think he didn’t see a real solid reason to send her home, so he kept her. We’ll see. He kissed her a bunch on the date too.

The second date card has arrived! Megan is going on the first one-on-one date that reads “Love is a natural wonder”. She does not initially understand that it’s a date card and not a love note. Of course though, because who isn’t familiar with the long, storied history of love notes being passed around willy-nilly on the Bachelor?

Megan, a makeup artist, is wearing a metric ton of makeup. She and Chris hop right into a stretch limo to be whisked away in a private jet to Las Vegas. They then step immediately into a HELICOPTER! YES! THE COPTERS ARE BACK! THE COPTERS ARE BACK ON THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE! They take a helicopter tour of Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  They land for dinner in the middle of the Grand Canyon. They sit down on a picnic blanket by the river and Chris cheers to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Ok, Chris, we're laying it on a little thick here I think. You truly don't have to try so hard with these women.

Megan launches immediately into the harrowing tale of how right before she was supposed to come on the show, her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. She is detailed in how terrible his death was too which is FUN. Chris eats it all up and is even more into Megan than he was in the copter. Chris gives her the date rose easy-peasy because he is super into Megan. They make out. Duh.

The final group date card arrives at the mansion! Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Brit are on the date card that reads “Till death do us part”. The girls are creeped out but intrigued by that missive. It’s dark as the two stretch limos arrive to some abandoned warehouse. They are thoroughly creeped as things start sneaking around the limos and banging on the windows. I know it’s a total slam dunk to watch other people be scared via pranks, but it is a slam dunk for good reason. Watching those girls scream bloody murder and pile on top of each other in the back of that limo is hysterical.

Turns out it’s just Chris you guys!!! Who would’ve guessed! They all giggled upon realizing it was just their hunky farmer man. They are going zombie paintballing. Most of the girls are stoked, but you will never guess who is deeply confused. It’s Ashley S. She is deeply confused about the fact that she’s not shooting any of her teammates.

“Look, do not put any kind of weapon in Ashley’s hand. I don’t care if it’s a fork or a paintball gun, she shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle,” warns Kaitlyn. And I agree. I wasn’t sure about you Kaitlyn, but that’s some solid gold advice.

This date looks super fun to me and it looks like the women have a ton of fun. Ashley S just walks through a crowd of zombies completely calm, cool and collected. It is truly like a scene from a horror movie. She shoots many of the already dead zombies (played by real humans) at point blank "just to be sure."

“I feel like I’m in the, um, the um, Mesa Verde,” Ashley S says and then points her gun straight at the camera. She is amazingly insane. She is the kind of insane you don’t see every day, and I, for one, am glad she’s there. I am concerned, however, about her obvious mental instability and potential pill-popping problem.

I’m also concerned about Jordan the 24 year-old student who is constantly drunk and stumbling. At the mansion, she attempts to twerk against the wall much to Megan and Mackenzie’s chagrin. Jordan also talks at length about Jillian’s hairy asshole. So that’s real. This show is a national treasure.

Back at the cocktailing portion of the date, the women are trying and failing to understand Ashley S. “There are like angels, literally, in the candle,” she says and looks closely at it. She is an alien. Maybe that’s why Mackenzie asked! Because she knows something we don’t about Ashley S. being an alien trying to infiltrate our earthling culture!

Romance-wise, Chris and Kaitlyn have a really nice chat. Chris is very into her and her whole kooky vibe. They kiss a bunch but it’s very fish-lipped and gross. Chris is kissing a LOT, and he is not a good kisser.

What happens next with Ashley S. is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on this show. Her behavior is so bizarre and irrational it borders on terrifying. First she’s trying to explain something to the women and all she can say is “boom”, “that’s the truth”, and “that’s how I feel.” And no amount of further questioning gets her to explain. Then she goes off to talk to Chris and he is being as diplomatic as possible as he asks her questions and she either completely doesn’t respond or whispers something quickly.

She suggests they play hide and seek because she originally said she wanted to hide, but her alien computer told her that’s not normal. They go for a little walk and she asks Chris if he a) knows where they are b) has ever been there before c) knows if this is Mesa Verde  d) where is Mesa Verde. Guys, I’m not totally positive, but I think there’s some kind of extraterrestrial significance to Mesa Verde. I can’t legally tell you to go mine for unobtainium in Mesa Verde, but I’m saying it’s not a bad idea.

Even as Chris is giving an interview saying how strange she’s acting, Ashley S. approaches and interrupts the interview. “Your leather smells really great,” she slurs after some other things I honestly couldn’t make out. He pulls her aside to have a chat.

“How are you doing? Are you holding up ok?” he asks.

“I literally don’t even know what you’re asking,” Ashley S. replies.

“I’m just asking how you’re doing and if you’re holding up ok. It seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Chris says gently. For what it’s worth, he’s being very patient with her, probably because he can tell something isn’t quite right.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world. You wanna gain the whole world,” she says to him after he suggests she goes home and they get some one-on-one time tomorrow, “You don’t wanna lose your soul.”

“That’s…a fact,” he mutters. Starting at about 50 minutes into this episode on Hulu is when this all started going down, and I highly recommend taking a look because it is so bizarre. Like I said, and per the other women on the date, “she is obviously on some hardcore something.” And with that, she leaves. The final shot we get of her is her on her hands and knees talking to a stray cat who I assume is her alien overlord there to yell at her for blowing her cover so bad.

Moving right along to Britt, Chris and she pick right up where they left off. The chemistry is intense and you can tell they already like each other so much. Chris gives her a card for one free kiss because he is a teenage boy and thinks that’s the height of romance. It’s not, but Britt loves the gesture.

Ultimately, the date rose goes to Kaitlyn. Britt is a little disappointed, but I’m not surprised that he gave it to Kaitlyn. She’s got a hold on him.

The final cocktail party begins with the usual nerves from the women who didn’t get date time with Chris this week. Emotions are officially invested, so the stakes are high right away. Whitney wanted to make a good impression and stand out so she set up a mini-date on the patio. She gives him a bottle of his favorite whiskey and they share a drink together. It is understated but memorable and a very smart move on her part.

Then a huge knowledge bomb gets dropped on us. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan are all talking and Ashley I. drops that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she is a virgin. Mackenzie is SO jazzed about finding that out. She is jealous and thinks it will make sure that Ashley I. sticks around for a long, long time.

“No he will like it, all guys like it because guys like taking your virginity,” Mackenzie implores to her. “You’re super pretty. You’re really intelligent, and you’re a virgin. Oh my god you’re so lucky,” she squeals.

Her reaction is a little intense, but I feel like it’s the absolute best Ashley I. could’ve hoped for. With the courage given her by Mackenzie, Ashley I. goes forth to have one-on-one time with Chris. She starts off by telling Chris that she has a magic lamp belly-button ring, and that throughout her time there, he gets three wishes. “Do you want your first wish tonight?” she asks. He asks for a kiss and she makes him rub her belly button ring. Gross. But they starting making out, and I mean, making out like on top of each other and heavy petting right in front of all the other women.

This is also a key piece of information given what Chrarrison told us during the very beginning of the premier last week. Ashley I. is going to make it all the way to the fantasy suites unless there's another virgin running around. Spoiler alert, Chrarrs! But now I'll be interested to see how this plays out. Ashley I. certainly hasn't been a real front-runner, but we need to take her bid seriously.

The kissing reaches such a point that the other women already start their jealousy pangs and jealousy tears. Britt is particularly upset. But for others it just encourages them to go for it. Amber kisses him. And when Jordan gets wind of that, she goes on the warpath to kiss him. She’s wasted as usual and really puts off Chris by just talking about kissing the whole time rather than letting it happen naturally because she’s wasted and that’s how drunk logic works.

And with that, the Chris’s go away to decide on the cuts for the group.

So who’s in? The roses go out to the following ladies.

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and then he calls Juelia who is standing behind Jillian who thinks he calls her name. When Jillian realizes her mistake she almost slips and completely goes down on the carpet. She laughs really loudly and overcompensates for how embarrassed she feels about both parts of that. So, Juelia gets the rose. Then back on track with the roses going out to Amber, Tracey, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and ASHLEY S. GETS THE LAST MOTHER LOVIN’ ROSE OF THE NIGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I CANNOT. I mean I can because the producers probably begged him to keep her, but still. I can’t wait to see more of her antics.

This means Alissa, Jordan, Tara, and Kimberly are going home. I feel bad for Kimberly because it really hurts to get rejected by the same guy twice. She is really sweet and a complete bombshell of a woman, so I think love might be just around the bend for her. Tara is sobbing to be leaving. Girl, you’ll be fine. Go back to Florida. “It will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she weeps. Um, no it won’t. You just think it will but like all things in life, this too shall pass Tara.

See you guys next week for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to help Chris go through some kind of Bachelor Bootcamp or some nonsense! Love!