Quite A Few Have Been Saying:”But What About Laughing?”, In The Comments Of My ‘Weird Human Reactions

With pack-bonding and stuff … what if humans are the only species who developed body language as an instinctual means of communication?

Humans are known for being terrifying in battles … especially if there’s more than one of them. They can coordinate their attacks without talking to each other. They only need to glance at each other and they know when and where to go. When asked about this mystical near-telepathy, most just make one of their strange movements-with-meanings called a “shrug” [note: a “shrug” suggests confusion or uncertainty] and say it has something to do with “knowing” the other person.

Sensible species explain what they’re doing when they want to work together. Yet once when when we were attacked by pirates, the two human guards barely said a few words. One whispered “Watch the green one.” - barely even a proper order! - and that was all they needed to charge forward.

They didn’t even need to shout their plans to each other when the two Z'arzz started the pincer movement they’d discussed before boarding. One human just stopped, the other hadn’t even asked her to distract them, she just did it! Charging forward and causing chaos almost immediately was a massive advantage for us. With only the cargo crew of a food shipment, it got us the extra time we needed to plan.

After we came to an agreement and took over, seeing them “team up” against the massive Grulnar (also known as “the green one”) was incredible - a reminder of the power of pack predator species. They barely even spoke and yet it was like they were wearing comms and voice-silencers. They moved like a hive-mind species, but with the tenacity and grace of humans to boot. I would have excreted in fear had I seen such powers used against me.

The pirates never stood a chance.

Submitted by @poichild

My two cents to the Humans are weird tag

I’ve been reading a lot of “humans are weird” posts and I noticed how the aliens just seem… all the same in a way? Like, they all act the same, or live the same way, or something…

Why does it seem like humans are the only ones to… I don’t know, give live birth, or dye their hair/get tattoos?

And why does it seem like humans are weirdly homogenous in those stories. Like… “all humans “pack-bond” “ or whatever.

Why wouldn’t other species have more different languages on their planets?

Why wouldn’t other species have now-useless organs, that are just an evolutionary relic, and serve no real purpose?

Why wouldn’t other species have like eye-sight problems and have some equivalent of glasses or contacts?

Why wouldn’t other species have prostetics?

Why wouldn’t other species get adrenaline rushes (or equivalent of it)?

Why wouldn’t other species wear clothes?

Why wouldn’t other aliens do crazy shit just because?

Why wouldn’t other aliens tan or dye their hair (or equvalent of it) or get tattoos?

Why wouldn’t other species have baby teeth or something similar?

Why wouldn’t other species have mental illnesses or allergies?

Why would humans be so special?

Why would other species act so… primitivelly, despite being so advanced? (Meaning like alpha/beta etc. dynamics being very important or huge size difference between males and females of the species).

So, let’s say that one species usually has like one or two oddities, sometimes more, but none has so many as humans. Humans are not unique in the things they do - they are just unique because of how many weird thing they do.

Imagine some alien captain getting briefed on how to handle humans, before a human joins his crew like:

Older alien captain (O): So, one of the things about humans is that they have many languages they speak on their planet, so they might use translators to communicate with each other, too.

Younger alien captain(Y): Like Nintians or Fari?

O: Yeah, like that. And they sometimes use paint to change their haircolor. Their hair changing color is not a sign of illness.

Y: Like with Zagraw?

O: Exactly. And they like to keep small animals with them, even small predators. They call it “pets”.

*continues for another four minutes, while reading other stuff from a screen*

Y: Slow down… these humans sound really out there. You’re sure they do all that stuff? One species can’t do all that stuff, that’s ridiculous.

O: Kid, we’re like on the first page of the manual. There’s a hundred more pages.

Y: You’re kidding me, right?

Keep them happy so they do not turn on you

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Aliens but they take shit too seriously

Human: the day i run a marathon is the day i die.

Alien: *makes note to keep human away from marathons*

Weeks later

Human: Just got back from a marathon!

Alien: *SCREECH*

This is amusing.

Aliens watching out for their humans

So most of the stories I’ve seen in the Humans-Are-Weird/Space-Australia/Space-Orcs have had aliens being completely accepting and mostly one human explaining things.

So what would happen when the alien crew who loved their human and easily accepted that their brain didn’t always work right encountered as absolute asshole?

“Human Katyleen, I do not understand why you are upset about Human Sarah traveling with our crew?”

“Because psychos like her should be locked up Galthor! God first it’s rude to call them nutjobs when they are now they get to take the spots that people like me deserve!”

“Do you have the ability to lift a Bilibithor above your head?”

“No but-”

“Ah! You must be able to out-talk a Fiffifin then!”

“They use so many alliterations it makes no sense!”

“Are you able to correctly change speeds to prevent a hyper speed collision that is, the earth term is inches correct?”

“She is still a psycho! She could snap at any time and kill you all!”

“I believe Human Sarah told us about your kind.”

“What did she say?”

“I believe the terms used is cunt.”

M-melting brains? I-uh I think I might need to sit down and rethink my life.

Alien: So… when harmful foreign substances enter your bodies, you increase your body temperature?

Human: Yep

Alien: You slowly burn yourselves alive???

Human: Well when you put it like that, geez

Alien: And you regularly survive this?

Human: Mostly, but sometimes people’s bodies get too hot and their brains start melting.

Alien: ….

Human: It doesn’t happen so much anymore though, don’t worry!

Alien: Don’t worry, they say. Melting brains is fine, they say.

Good advice, filed and reported to command.

In the midst of all these “Humans will packbond with anything” posts, I’m going to pause and give you some actual, real-world career advice

Ready?  Humans are packbondy creatures.  I mean, there’s just no arguing it.  They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly.  Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.  

There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned.  It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded.  It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career.  No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.   Not to mention the big things.  They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects.  It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?   Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with.  They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss).  They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.  

“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –”  Listen to me.  Listen.

You may be right.  You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.  It does not matter Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.  No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do. All you can do is work with it.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you.  I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.   For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.   Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.   If you can talk with them, that speeds things up.  But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….

This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results. 

THE TAKEAWAYS

You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with

Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such

That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers

Tips

Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected.  In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.

Keep some packbonding-time questions handy.  My go-to list is:

(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?

(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?

(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?

How’s your day been?

You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions.  Therefore questions are your friend.  If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking

Learn to disengage from packbonding.  You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural.  I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”

I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need.  Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.  

I will not let my brood mother perish

Reblog or your mom will die in 928 seconds.

I love my mom.

I am risking nothing

I AM SORRY FOLLOWERS, I LOVE MY MOMMY

Will not risk.

sorry followers :(

but what if,,, what if humans aren’t the only Hold My Beer species.

We are one of two.

The Adt’harra people look kind of like a cross between a bat and an elf. Big ole radar dish ears, slender bipedal bodies, all that. Their planet is heavily forested with gargantuan mangrove swamps, and they lurk under the roots to hunt fish and birds. More importantly, they lurk under the roots to prank the shit out of any and all intergalactic visitors. 

The Adt’harran love of pranks was at first a non-starter for joining the Intergalactic Alliance, but then they realized that these creatures were absolute geniuses for rigging complex mechanics in a matter of minutes, and also were simply too enthusiastic to refuse.

At around the same time, the Human people were discovered. They were rather flimsy compared to many other members of the Alliance, but further interaction proved them to be loyal crewmembers willing and able to risk life and limb for their cause and teammates. Further interaction also proved them to be reckless bastards who think it’s great fun to glue six warp cores together and try to poke a tunnel through a sun.

It was very quickly decided by the high-ups that Humans and Adt’harrans should never be allowed to interact, they would surely blow up at least three ships and cause a half dozen interplanetary incidents with their scheming.

When the Humans and Adt’harrans eventually meet anyway because neither species is really into ‘rules’, they are fast friends and the collective universe tears its hair out.