Good Advice, Filed And Reported To Command.

Humans are Space Orcs

I discovered (and subsequently gobbled unashamedly on) Humans are Space Orcs, Earth is Space Australia and Humans are Weird trends, and I L O V E D them so here’s my little contribution: medicine, hardy humans, and how-the-heck-is-this-a-medical-procedure??? 

Imagine an alien medical officer going to the Earth to have an update course about human medicine, so he can take care properly of the humans on his crew. He comes back in a shock reporting that apparently humans: 

Are born without teeth, then grow a first set, as they mature they shed the first set and grow a permanent one. If the permanent set is not perfect, they literally wield metal contraptions on the teeth of their younglings to force the teeth to grow straight. 

Blood is vital. BUT female humans loose blood for five days every month through their genital organs if they don’t get pregnant. This causes an array of problems (from mild pain to ostheoporosis), but females wave this away as a mere inconvenience.    

They literally take organs from dead bodies and transplant them into humans with non functioning organs. 

They inject pathogens to make themselves resistant to diseases. 

Use electrical shocks to reset and restart the heart when it does not function properly. Some humans have a permanent shock machine implanted in their chest. 

Consider a perfectly valid emergency procedure to repeatedly hit with a lot of strenght the chest of a person. 

Antivenom

have you ever stop to think that we don’t just synthetize antivenom, but we fucking brew it from the venom itself? like, oh, you got bitten by a rattlesnake? fear not, here, inject a bit more venom which have been scienced to antagonize itself. 

and it is not just that- we science venom for medicinal purposes. we take stuff that is uber toxic to us, science a bit with it (well, it takes years and a great effort from our scientists) and TA DAH, here is a brand new uber effective drug against blood clots. 

heck, we BREED venomous snake to extract their venom to use for medicinal purpouse!!!

it is the same principles at the base of vaccines - take what’s dangerous and use it to make yourself stronger. 

this is the most DeathWorlders thing I can think of. aliens don’t stand a chance. 

What if another “humans are weird” thing is talking to ourselves. Like… it makes no sense? But so many of us do it. Even just muttering under our breaths. I can’t help but think that some alien species would think we’re trying to hide another aspect of our (already weird) abilities.

They can ‘throw’ stuff, and bond with nearly anything, and now they’re talking to people who aren’t even there?!? Sure, they said they were just “talking to themself” but that’s obviously just a bad excuse. They do have thoughts after all.

(Feel free to add to this, it always makes posts 38200× better)

Keep them happy so they do not turn on you

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Humans are crazy

So I was hanging with friends today and it dawned on me…that human beings are insane. What we do for “fun” is insane.

We jump out of planes, jump off cliffs, climb sheer cliff walls hundreds of thousands of feet up. We have games for CHILDREN that involve pressing a button and getting shocked with electricity, and one of the most popular sports, in america at least, is full of humans bashing against each other and causes brain damage. Or humans trying to hang on to dear life on a bucking angry bull, and risk getting gored. Or just pummeling each other bloody in a ring. And we love it.

I mean, Just today, my friends and I used an electric charge machine (for flexing muscles and helping blood flow I think?) And spent an hour shocking each other and seeing how long we could last on the highest charge despite pain and spasms.

Then there are carnivals (which we also visited). Look around a carnival and nearly every ride is meant to be “fun” but also cause discomfort. Heights, spinning, sudden drops, high speeds, often combinations of all of these. They’re like giant colorful torture machines, and we LOVE them. We have whole parks dedicated to bigger, more complicated versions of carnival rides and roller coasters.

We actively seek out things that cause us discomfort…for FUN. Life risking or painful things for FUN.

Can you imagine what aliens would think about that? Imagine a poor aliens reaction upon coming to earth to research human passtimes and just being confronted with all these crazy hunans doing crazy, uncomfortable, sometimes painful things….for fun. Like,“Oh my gosh they torture themselves for fun why why why? How do we fight something that gets a kick out of hurting itself??” Imagine taking an alien visitor to a carnival or amusement park and them just being horrified.

Alien- What in the stars… Why have you taken me to a torture camp?? I thought we were friends! Human- what do you mean? It’s a carnival! It’s fun! Alien- but there are instruments of torture and interrogation everywhere! And…did you decorate them in colorful, pleasing lights?? What sick joke is this?!?

Or inversly, can you imagine a more serious situation wherein a human is captured and taken to be interrogated and are just…terrified. imagining what this warlike alien species has uo their sleeves, how they would torture them for information they sought. The master interrogator is this scarred, gruff alien who’s made it his life work to torture and rip that information away.

And then the human is taken into the torture room and just stops and stares at the whirl a twirl ride in the middle of the room. And they see this carnival ride and the interrogator and everyone else seem wary or scared of it, but the human just gets excited. And the whole time it’s running, the aliens are just flabbergasted because the human who’s being tortured is just laughing and grinning and even after puking is still yelling “again, again!”

No other race tortures themselves for fun. Human beings are just the craziest things.

Humans are weird, apparently

Ok, I decided I wanted to try my hand at adding to this “Humans are Space Orcs” thing.  Apologies if it’s been done before, but I haven’t seen this particular thing.

Imagine the aliens coming to Earth and looking at our media, at the products in our stores, and all over the place they see the most obvious warnings and disclaimers.  “Caution, food will be hot,” “Professional driver on closed course,” “Do not attempt.”  And they just think that humans must be absolute idiots because who the heck needs to be told that, right?

But they don’t know about human litigation.

Sure, the aliens have laws and treaties and whatnot, but what with an intersteller community and all these different races and languages, they just naturally abide by the spirit of the law, because who would want all that precise translation and finicky language and loophole abuse and obvious rule patches?  Way too much work for the aliens.

So humans join the galactic community, start developing relationships and trade deals and agreeing to abide by whatever the aliens call their Geneva Convention.  Everyone’s happy.  Until the aliens start looking a little closer at actual human behaviour.

“Umm, Ambassador Joseph, we can’t help but notice that your people have been making more dreadnoughts than the Isni Treaty allows.  This is making us very nervous.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, President Gangril.  We only have four dreadnoughts.”

“You registered four, but when reviewing your fleet, we found there were at least twenty?”

“The other sixteen are heavy crusiers.”

“They’re clearly dreadnoughts.”

Joe brings out a large stack of papers.  “Actually, according to the treaty, dreadnoughts are over 906 metres, and these cruisers are 890 metres long.  The guns also…”

Until the aliens are collectively tearing out their hair analogues and somehow human lawyers get even richer as the galactic community desperately hires them in an effort to prevent this behaviour.

I am not terrified what are you talking about.

Humans Are Space Orcs: Braces

I have been reading a lot of these so here it is,

Just imagine an alien when they find out about braces.

“Do you mean to tell me that you strap metal to your young and slowly move their bones, without pain killers, over long periods of time? The bones that they use to eat? Then make them wear more metal in their mouths for the rest of their life, all for a standard of beauty?”

Nah dude, some do it for medical reasons. I knew someone who had three teeth stuck in the roof of their mouth so they put braces on them and fixed that right up”

“I don’t think I understand”

“They had to do it, because they had already pulled out their baby teeth so they would have had gaps or out of order teeth. Or get infected.

“But how did braces on the outside of their teeth affect the teeth that were *stuck*”

They first had to cut through the bone to get to them and then they stuck brackets on them. But after that, they just dragged the teeth into place.”

“Through the bone?”

“Yup”

"And it worked?”

"Yup”

*horrified aliens* “I thought you said you care about your young”

"We do”

*even more Horrified aliens*

*off to the side* “didn’t the human say they cared about us”

Go for the Head

so, I was thinking about how human bodies can survive a great deal of damage, right? 

probably all the guides on humans say things like “if you really need to kill one, go for the head. that’s the surest way to kill a human.” 

but do you realize that even that might just not be enough?

please, allow me to introduce Mr. Phineas Gage. 

Mr. Gage was a foreman working in the construction of railroads. He is most famous because he survived an hideous accident where a 3.2 cm thick, 1 meter long iron rod was driven into his brain by an explosion. 

Let me repeat: an iron pole rocketing through the organ that controls the whole body was not enough to kill him. 

Just in case you need another picture to get the idea of just how serious was the injury. 

of course such a severe injury could not leave him unscarred: his personality changed completely, and he had moments of delirium. 

but he survived. not only that, but he went on having a relatively normal life. his speech, movement and intelligence WERE NOT IMPAIRED BY THE INJURY. 

aliens have all the more reason to be scared shitless of us. 

More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.

In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”

Humans are weird

My take on humans are weird/space orcs/Australians

Humans succeed in long endurance running and overall stamina. While some  species have better senses, stronger muscles, and faster acceleration, none of them can last as long as a human when running (it was also ancient humanity’s hunting method: outlasting prey). What if humans can run at a constant speed for a prolonged period of time that would otherwise cause other species to fatigue easily?

S’kron: human George you must rest, you’ve been running for quite some time

George: nah I’m fine, this is normal for me

S’kron: normal? You’ve could’ve died from running that long!

George: I was jogging and it’s not bad, keeps me active, you should try it sometime 

S’kron: running for an extended period of time is your idea of exercise? Are all humans like this?

George: well some can run faster and some can run longer I’m considered average.

S’kron: average? You mean other humans are faster?

George: yeah we have running is a sport for us it’s called sprinting and we do it around 100m or over in laps

S’kron: a sport? You must be insane to be running for that long!

George: no its true we even make obstacles known as hurdles to jump over whilst running

S’kron once again reread human physiology and learnt that humans were the best overall runners on their planet, he brought these findings to the rest of the crew, to their shock.

At that moment the guide to humans book was once again edited with a new note: do not challenge humans to a running contest, for you will surely die a slow, exhausting, painful death