With Pack-bonding And Stuff … What If Humans Are The Only Species Who Developed Body Language As An

Let's Fuck 'Em Up

Humans would be cute in space. I mean, lets say we’re the new guys to space travel. Sure we can go to the moon but I’m talking leaving our galaxy to go explore type of shit. We’re the space babies so every other space species sees us as bumbling children. Our eyes reflect the stars that we see in awe. Its cute. We basically turn into mini Markipliers. “Its so cool”

So they incorporate us as much as they can. They want the space babies to learn what they can about space. And how can you deny something that gets so excited just to see an asteroid right out the window? We collect meteor fragments for Christ’s sake!

They stop seeing us as babies and more as angry children though after a certain incident. There’s a planet that they see. Hector 6.

“Ooh lets go land on that one! It’s a pretty purple!” The human says with their face pressed against the glass of the window.

“We can’t.” The captain responds.

“Why not?”

“The people there are incredibly hostile due to a hostile environment. The creatures are scarier than they are.”

This is where a human’s curiosity becomes so overwhelming, their ‘fuck it’ sense comes into play. Somehow they land on the planet anyway. The group of humans try to go explore but are stopped repeatedly. But like any child, they find a way. The aliens onboard are freaking out cause 'where are they? They’re gonna get killed!’ Only for the humans to return with trophies from the planet. When questioned about it, they just respond nonchalantly. “They weren’t that bad” or “I’ve seen tougher.” Their curiosity was so grand that they fucked up any creature that tried to stop them. That’s when the aliens stop seeing is as helpless babies and more as children with anger issues. We like to fuck things up.

Humans are Space Orcs

I discovered (and subsequently gobbled unashamedly on) Humans are Space Orcs, Earth is Space Australia and Humans are Weird trends, and I L O V E D them so here’s my little contribution: medicine, hardy humans, and how-the-heck-is-this-a-medical-procedure??? 

Imagine an alien medical officer going to the Earth to have an update course about human medicine, so he can take care properly of the humans on his crew. He comes back in a shock reporting that apparently humans: 

Are born without teeth, then grow a first set, as they mature they shed the first set and grow a permanent one. If the permanent set is not perfect, they literally wield metal contraptions on the teeth of their younglings to force the teeth to grow straight. 

Blood is vital. BUT female humans loose blood for five days every month through their genital organs if they don’t get pregnant. This causes an array of problems (from mild pain to ostheoporosis), but females wave this away as a mere inconvenience.    

They literally take organs from dead bodies and transplant them into humans with non functioning organs. 

They inject pathogens to make themselves resistant to diseases. 

Use electrical shocks to reset and restart the heart when it does not function properly. Some humans have a permanent shock machine implanted in their chest. 

Consider a perfectly valid emergency procedure to repeatedly hit with a lot of strenght the chest of a person. 

Filthy Habit

To add my voice to the humans are space orcs headcanon…

Nail-biting.

Considered a “filthy habit” by humans, it *horrifies* aliens who are all like OH MY GOD the human is EATING ITSELF ALIVE OMG OMG RUUUUUUN BEFORE IT EATS US NEXT!!!!

And when the crewmembers report this no one believes it at first but after a while the ship captain and CMO fearfully approach their human crewmember and catch her in the act.

CMO: Human Theresa… are the rations you are allocated insufficient for your needs?

Theresa: Um… no? I mean yes. I mean er… I eat enough yeah. Why? *chews cuticles absentmindedly*

CMO: *cringes in horror*

Captain: THEN WHY ARE YOU EATING YOURSELF!??!

Theresa: *blushes and takes hands out of mouth* I know, I know, it’s a filthy habit. I can’t stop though, I never even notice I’m doing it till someone points it out.

Captain: *horrified* You… you don’t NOTICE that you are self-cannibalizing. O.O

CMO: We have to put you on suicide watch. This attempt at self-destruction must be halted. Don’t worry, Human Theresa. We will help you. Thank the stars we caught this problem before you gnawed off a limb!

Theresa: Umm… O.o *absentmindedly chewing on pinky nail*

The pack bond feature your race has aquired is vastly inconvenient to say the very least.

Okay, so I feel like contributing to the Humans Are Weird section and it’s just, humans and predators get along? Like, we have mutual beneficial relationships and companionship with animals that, in theory, we should be fighting with. 

Like, we have cats and dogs as pets, some people have wolves, we see lions and tigers and think they’re cute, hell, zoologists have been raising Big Cats for years, not to mention the stories about people care taking bears. 

And if Jurassic World became a thing, you can bet your ass someone would Chris Pratt a set of pack dinos

So like, imagine that theres a race of aliens who are, by genetic script, predatory, and vicious and every alien system are like “Theres no chance at establishing peace with them, it’s impossible.” But then humans come and we stumble across a wounded one like 

“this species ?? Is adorable ?” And all the other aliens are like 

“No, human Mike, it is a vicious predator! It’s bet to just avoid the quadrant where theyre from and destroy any that come too close.” 

“You want to kill him, but he’s just a wittle cutie!” 

“ … Human Mike, stand back!” And of course the humans rally around it and force the other aliens out and slowly feed/build up trust with the species and we form a bound with them and Aliens are like ???? 

Evetually humans teach the aliens how to respond to the species and while they’re still pretty dangerous if they’re hungry and you shouldn’t turn your back on them, there’s still like, relative trust between the species. 

My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.

So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion? 

What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.

Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.

If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you. 

We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.

We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.

We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun. 

Alien/Human Interactions

-Aliens seeing how many times humans declare war on each other throughout history and thinking that humans enjoy war as some sort of sport or spectacle -Aliens coming into possession of human sci-fi horror films and being worried that their human companions are afraid of them -Aliens coming into possession of positive human representations of aliens and forming huge crushes on Mr. Spock and ET -Aliens first discovering humans through stray TV broadcasts of the Brady Bunch, Grease, and other vintage tv shows. Intergalactic fashion suddenly shifts to favor clothing similar to 50s greaser jackets and sweaters -Aliens falling in love with human fashion and parading around in poorly applied makeup (the said aliens watched dozens of tutorials on YouTube), bonus points if the alien is traditionally masculine looking. “I look like your human goddess Beyonce and you cannot convince me otherwise, human Steve.” -Aliens falling in love with human languages and printing human words all over their clothing like Americans do with French words. However, they often mix up the languages by picking and choosing which words they like the best, so the phrases turn out like “C'est good, nyet?” -Aliens relating more to neurodivergent people because of how their brains work, bonding with humans over different strengths and weaknesses -Aliens seeing all the ways humans go thrill-seeking (rollercoasters, skydiving, bungee-jumping, water slides) and scolding their humans for putting themselves in danger oN PURPOSE -Aliens tasting spicy foods for the first time and and scolding their humans for eating FIRE -Aliens being worried that their human love interests find them unattractive and trying different things to look more human -Aliens being confused by human daydreaming and infant “pretending”. Why would humans want to be anything else? They are already perfect. -Aliens having the same weird fantasy of being “abducted” and “probed” by humans that we have of them -Aliens having weird 70s style videos on “Human Etiquette”, with incredibly inaccurate info on how humans actually act -Aliens first coming into contact with dogs and animals because we sent those into space first, assuming that humans are the same and attempting to placate them with tummy rubs and rubs behind the ears

Y-you utilize explosives. FOR ENTERTAINMENT? I will have to report this to my supervisor...

Fireworks are Weird

With the approach of the 4th of July, and my own town’s weekend fireworks display occurring in view of my window as I write this, I got to thinking.  

Fireworks would be BAFFLING to an alien races.

I’m not sure which would be worse.  Being taken by surprise by the bright flashes and loud cracks and pops in the sky, panicking because those could only be the first signs of a deadly attack, complete with shells whistling through the air, or seeing people buying the things by the truckload, not just for professional use, but to simply light off in their back yard.

—-

“Human-Steve, what are "Fireworks”?  I see places of business opening out of nowhere with no information or advertisements beyond the single word.“

"Well, they’re.. Hmm.. I guess you’d call them toys, or maybe single-use decorations?  They make bright lights in a bunch of different colors, and loud noises, and we use them to celebrate important events.”

The alien nodded, a gesture it had learned meant understanding.  "Ah, I see.  Digitally projected entertainment.  We have similar devices on our world, though-“

Steve held up a hand, shaking his head.  "Digital?  No, no, no,” he chuckled.  "They’re little explosives.  Gunpowder packed with different kinds of material to burn in different colors when we launch them.“

"Ex- explosives?”  The alien wringed two of its three pairs of hands, putting the other pair on the sides of its head.  "Surely you jest!  I saw families, children purchasing these fireworks!“

"Nah, they’re harmless.  I mean, every year there’s an idiot or two that blows his hand off or sets his hair on fire, but I mean, they’re usually doing something stupid to begin with.”

The alien has no reply to this.  What reply could there possibly be?

Okay, so like how when sheep/kids baaa at you and you baaa back and they all baaa again?? How would aliens react is if a human on their mission started making the creatures noise back at them until they all doing it.

Well…

The mission was fairly simple in Grutona’s mind: follow the tracks of certain creatures and use environmental clues to discern aspects of the creature’s lifestyle and needs. The group had been following the large, octagonal shaped prints of a swutonaton for the past several standard hours, and up to this point, they still hadn’t actually encountered the beast.

Good. Grutona was not keen on being eaten alive today, which would surely be the result of disturbing the beast. Protocol on the mission was to leave should contact be breached with any species that was not fully documented.

However, there was one member of the team that made Grutona worry. Maria seemed to take things like Protocol as more of a… guideline. Already today Maria had disregarded rules about eating wild tree fruit claiming “they have these on my planet, don’t worry!” Grutona did worry. Especially when Maria added: “Besides, they’re delicious.” Grutona knew what type of treefruit Maria was eating, and xhe was skeptical of the claim. These deadly fruits humans called “lemons” were HIGHLY acidic and sour. On xer home world, a fruit like that would be used by deadly criminals as a poison.

Needless to say, having a human on the crew had been an eye-opening, mind-boggling experience. Grutona was learning more about universal cultures on this mission than ever before, that was for certain.

It was a few more minutes of walking along the path, Grutona taking note of the way the plant life was smashed down to the side of the path of the tracks as if the swutonaton had stopped for a time and rested.

“Ah, so it appears swutonaton are a restful breed, and likely a predator species as evident by their choice location being one leaving them so vulnerable.” Kerip, another member of the team, said this clinically, xis eyes dilating further as his species was wont to do in order to get a magnified look at things. As he was examining he spoke to his partner, Bepin who recorded xis observations on a datapad.

There was a noise further down the trail, strangely like a yawn. Grutona looked over cautiously. Maria was gone. Grutona frowned and made toward the sound hoping it was just Maria doing some sort of human thing xhe was unfamiliar with and not the beast hiding in the plant life beyond planning an attack on the mission crew.

But when had luck ever been on Grutona’s side?

As xhe rounded the bend in the trail xhe was met with the horrifying sight. Xhe would have screamed if it were a characteristic of xer race. Instead, xhe stood there in shock.

Maria stood in front of the creature they were tracking all right. The only thing was, the team was entirely wrong about what they thought they were following here. They had assumed the animal was very large, at least nine or ten times the actual size of the creatures in front of them now. And creatures they were. There were at least fifteen of these creatures and they were all piled atop one another, drooling heavily, spiked tails and trunks laying anywhere. 

“I’d definitely call this a dog-pile.” Maria chuckled, completely unconcerned at the reality that basically everything they had assumed about these creatures was wrong. Maria turned to look at Grutona, eyes gleaming in mischief. “Guess we were wrong about the elephant-sized animal with forty pig-sized feet, huh?” Grutona said nothing, still reeling. They needed to leave, Protocol demanded it, and they needed to go soon before more of the creatures woke up as one was doing now.

“Hey, look! They’re starting to wake up! They’re so cute!” Maria took another step closer to them, making cooing noises as Grutona watched in horror as more of the swutonatons started to rouse. Footsteps behind xer alerted xer to the rest of the team arriving to the scene finally. 

There was a moment of stunned silence before an exasperated sound came from Bepin and Kerip started mumbling in astonishments about all the things they had wrongly ascertained. 

“We should leave,” a voice of reason finally called from the back of the group: Teriwald, the ranked officer from the ship who had been tasked with “protecting the scientists” on the expedition.

Grutona found xer voice again, finally. “You’re–”

There was a sudden, loud sound from the pile of creatures “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrm.”

“Okay, that was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard,” Maria was watching the herd of swutonaton with complete adoration in her gaze. Grutona had been warned to be wary of humans when they assumed a look like this one. There was no telling what kind of things they might do next. 

Whatever Grutona had expected, it was not what Maria did next. Maybe xhe thought she would have started running in circles around the group or walk over and touch one, but xhe certainly did not predict that  Maria would raise her arms in imitation of a swutonaton trunk and repeat the noise back at them in perfect imitation. “Meeeeeeeerrrrrm!”

“What are you doing, we need to go!” Teriwald reminded in an increasingly demanding tone. 

“Calm down, Waldo, we’re fi–” Maria was cut off by several cries of the swutonaton calling back at her.

“Meeeeeerrrm!” 

“Oh, this is too good!” More of the swutonaton had stirred now, and they were climbing off of each other and standing in a herd before Maria who laughed and made the noise again. 

“Meeeerrrm!”

“MEEEEEEEEERRRRRM!!!” The entire herd of seventeen (Grutona had counted in xer moments of horror earlier) swutonaton were now calling back at Maria’s prompting. 

Nobody on the team said anything as they all watched in rapt attention Maria and the herd of swutonaton yell at each other for the next ten standard minutes. 

Humans, Grutona concluded, still half horrified, are weird.

I have become pretty obsessed with Humans are Space Orcs/Space Australia posts, and here’s what popped out of my brain: Disobedience. Humans can be told “Under no circumstances are you allowed to do this”, be threatened with punishment, and STILL DO THE THING! We have a specific phrase for when something we wanted to do has negative consequences: “Worth it” Even more, it’s EXPECTED that children will be disobedient. “Rebellious phase” and all that. Parents will tell their kids “Don’t run on the sidewalk you’ll fall and scrape your knee” and the kids RUN ANYWAY. And they fall and scrape their knee. And then THEY DO IT AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. Sometimes being told not to do something makes us WANT TO DO IT MORE! (Same vein as morbid curiosity, i.e. ‘That’s a bad thing which makes it more exciting’)

Now imagine the aliens trying to deal with it: “Human Clara, I can see you are looking at that rocky cliff. Do not climb it, it is very perilous” “Well, I was just thinking about it, but now…” “Thank you for seeing reason Human Clara… Human Clara? Human Clara get down from there!” “Haha, nope!” *falls* “… Worth it.” “Human Clara there was no gain from this it was not 'worth it’”

This seems to relate to the ability humans have relating to the 4th dimension.

Humans are Weird: That One feeling

Im talking about the ‘I know someone is there’ feeling. You could haveyour back to something, but then just /know/ that theres someone/something behind you without seeing or hearing anything. You just /know./ Like, imagine how weird that’d be to Aliens

Bizarinvin: *Walks up to Ava slowly and quietly, maybe trying to see if xey can surprise them somehow*

Ava: *Immediately turns around* Yo Biz. Trying to scare me?

Bizarinvin: Yes but how did you even know I was there! I made sure I was silent!

Ava: I have eyes on the back of my head

Bizarinvin: Really?!

Ava: *Laughs* Nah. I just felt you there.

Bizarinvin: But you havent touched me.

Ava: I just sensed you there I guess then

Bizarinvin: What? How?

Ava: *Shrugs* I dunno. Humans can just… know if theres someone there without looking or hearing them sometimes

Bizarinvin:….Ok. *Goes to update the Human Guide with this new info