Walking Through A Memory

This is amusing.

Aliens watching out for their humans

So most of the stories I’ve seen in the Humans-Are-Weird/Space-Australia/Space-Orcs have had aliens being completely accepting and mostly one human explaining things.

So what would happen when the alien crew who loved their human and easily accepted that their brain didn’t always work right encountered as absolute asshole?

“Human Katyleen, I do not understand why you are upset about Human Sarah traveling with our crew?”

“Because psychos like her should be locked up Galthor! God first it’s rude to call them nutjobs when they are now they get to take the spots that people like me deserve!”

“Do you have the ability to lift a Bilibithor above your head?”

“No but-”

“Ah! You must be able to out-talk a Fiffifin then!”

“They use so many alliterations it makes no sense!”

“Are you able to correctly change speeds to prevent a hyper speed collision that is, the earth term is inches correct?”

“She is still a psycho! She could snap at any time and kill you all!”

“I believe Human Sarah told us about your kind.”

“What did she say?”

“I believe the terms used is cunt.”

Aliens reacting to someone with braces? Thanks!

The human problem was growing bigger at an alarming pace.Back when they first started travelling through space, most had viewed theirefforts as cute. Some had even cheered them on from afar. Of course, that wasbefore they realised what kind of creatures humans really are and what kind ofplanet they originate on. Before they knew what humans did for fun.

The humans as a whole hadn’t attacked yet, but it was only amatter of time before they gathered their forces. The Ktynarian species had tobe prepared.

As a result, they had commandeered a human craft, and with eight Ktynarians to every human, they’d managed to gain control of the vesseland the horrible creatures within.

Unfortunately it was common knowledge that getting a fullygrown human to talk was a near impossible feat. Fortunately, there were severalyounglings on the ship. The majority were younglings actually, which was asurprise. Upon further investigation it was revealed the ship was operated by atraining facility of the category ‘school’.

After separating the humans into smaller groups to minimisethe risks of organised resistance, Commander Yldrik picked one of the mediumsized younglings to interrogate – having heard that the bigger posed a threatin size, but that the smallest were often quick and nimble

Yes, the medium sized one were surely the easiest to make afirst attempt on. And if that failed, they still had a plethora of other humansto interrogate. One of them would surely give them some useful information.

Some of the humans were secreting some sort of fluid fromtheir optical organs, some making noises the Ktynarians couldn’t identify, butinstructing them to be quiet seemed to just make them more intent on making thenoises. Deciding it would be best to leave xir soldiers to deal with it,Commander Yldrik turned xir focus to the youngling xe had selected.

“What is your objective,” xe asked. Getting straight to thepoint had seemed like the best method, but the human didn’t seem to comprehend.

“What?”

“What is your objective? What are you here to accomplish?” xe repeated, seemingly surprising the human. Perhaps they hadn’t expected to beconfronted, or for the Ktynarians to be suspicious of them. Clearly the humanshad underestimated them.

“Well, I mean, a B would be great, but I’d settle for a Ctoo,” the human responded, something in their mouth gleaming slightly. Underdifferent circumstances Yldrik would have paid it more attention, but xe waspreoccupied deciphering what the human had said.

A bee was a creature from the humans’ home planet, andapparently vital to their ecosystem. A sea however, was a large body of aparticular kind of water, and their planet seemed to be largely consisting ofit. Why would they possibly want more of it?

“Why?”

“It’s not my best subject,” they said, elevating an upperpart of their anatomy. Yldrik knew xe had been informed of the meaning behindthe movement, but xe had finally noticed something different about the human’steeth. Something worrying.

“Bare your teeth.” The human seemed surprised by the order,but complied after a brief hesitation.

The sight that met xem was terrifying, even for someone withas much experience as Yldrik.

“W-what are those?”

The human looked perplexed at first, but seemed tounderstand what xe was referring to fairly quickly.

“You mean my braces?” the human asked before baring theirteeth further. A grin. At least that was what xe thought the action was namedby the humans. “It’s just metal. You see, my mouth had too many teeth in it, sothey got a bit out of order. Crooked and all, you know? So when I was aboutthirteen my parents took me to a dentist who basically attached metal to themto force them to stay in place. Cool, huh?”

The tone in which the human spoke did no justice to thehorrors that laid in their words. They spoke as if they didn’t realise how terrifyingthis information was – no, come to think about it, they spoke as if they enjoyed the horrors they’d clearly beenput through.

“And this was necessary for your survival?” xe asked, seeingno other reasonable explanation.

“No, no it’s just because it looks better,” the human said,repeating the elevation of an upper part of their anatomy. They did somethingelse too, with an appendage of theirs, but Yldrik was done paying attention.

In record time, every single Ktynarian had vacated the ship,control of which had been returned to the humans. Fortunately their ship had afar higher maximum speed than the humans.

Their only chance at survival would clearly be to stay asfar away from the humans as possible. If they attacked, the Ktynarians wouldhave no other option than to flee. A species willing to do things like that totheir own young – for aesthetic reasons no less – was not a species one wantedto go to war against.

Imagine a group of humans and aliens talking about their home worlds while in the ship’s canteen. One world is covered entirely by water (the crew members from there have to wear special masks to help them absorb the oxygen they need from the air); one is full of rare minerals and littered with what, on any other planet, would be precious stones and one is carpeted with dense vegetation and has the more biodiversity than any other planet.

Once they’ve all finished talking about their own planets, everybody turns to the humans and asks them what Earth is like. They’re only doing it to be polite though. They haven’t heard much about humans (except the usual stories, and only fledglings believe in those) and they can’t really believe that these fleshy bald looking things come from anywhere even remotely as interesting as their own planets.

There’s a pause and then one of the humans speaks up, “well, I come from a part of Earth called ‘England’ and, to be honest, it’s nothing like as cool as your planets sound. It’s alright though. We got some snow last year, so I’m hoping that we’ll have some this year as well when I get back.”

“Snow?” one of the water breathers asks, hissing slightly through their mask, “what’s that?”

“Frozen water that falls from the sky.” The human explains, “it’s really fun to play with. It’s only called snow when it’s soft though— when it’s hard it’s called hail. Nobody likes hail, you can’t do anything with it and it hurts if it hits you. I looked up during a hail storm once,” she adds, “when I was a kid. Huge hailstones and one hit me right in the eye! Hurt like Hell.”

“Is your planet really cold then?” one of the aliens asks, sounding doubtful since nothing has looked less equipped to deal with cold weather than a human.

“No,” she says, “not everywhere. England’s pretty cold, but in the Summer sometimes we get heatwaves. Last year I went out in one and forgot to wear suncream and got sunburn all down my arms.”

“Your planet’s sun… burned you?” a horrified creature asks, “was it painful?”

“Not really, just stung a bit,” she shrugs, “it was fine once the skin started to peel.” (At the back of the crowd that has now amassed around their table a voice says “I didn’t know humans moulted.” and another, horrified sounding voice replies “that’s because they don’t!”) the human continues on regardless. “It was really annoying actually, because it meant I couldn’t go out for a bit without wearing a jacket. Then when my burns had finally healed, I wanted to go to the beach, but when I got there there was this huge thunderstorm and I had to go home again.”

“Thunderstorm?” the word is whispered, mainly because the person asking secretly hopes the human won’t hear them so they won’t have to know.

“It’s when the clouds get all dark and it starts raining,” the human explains and everybody sighs with relief. Most planets have rain. “The clouds make these really loud banging noises,” she continues, “that’s the thunder, and electricity shoots down from the clouds— that’s called lightning. Sometimes people get hit by it, a few people even survive. I once—”

But one of her human friends cuts her off. “God,” he says, “you Brits are so boring, always talking about the weather!”

While she argues with him, the creatures seated around the table stare at them in astonishment and start to give a little more credit to those old stories. Because, though they look pretty harmless, a species would have to be tough to be able to survive on a planet where a person could be pelted with ice, burned by the sun and nearly electrocuted by the sky and then have another person describe those experiences as boring!

Stahp

Reblog of you want my friend to stop hurting herself

I’m trying to prove to her that people still care and although the temptation for self harm is strong, she can fight it and she is not alone. Please don’t scroll past, please show her you care. ~Mod Aaron

Humans are odd

To jump into the whole humans are space oddities, imagine an aliens reaction to contacts.

Human Kayla had recently joined the ships crew, who all felt rather prepared. They got her a hamster and everything. And so, they go on for a good two weeks until Human Kayla says her contacts were irritating her.

So, of course, everyone is super freaked out because, “Human Kayla! What are these contacts you speak of? Are they part of your body?” and etc.

But then they watch her reach to her face and shove her finger onto her eye. And peel a bit of it off.

And now, of course, the aliens are terrified, because humans can casually peel the top part of their eye off if it hurt them, and it was once again time to update the intergalactic human manual.

Humans are Weird

Have you guys ever heard of gaze detection? It’s when you feel like someone is staring at you and you start to get nervous and anxious?

Like the only time you get this feeling is when Someone is staring at you hardcore. They won’t stop looking at you, so when you get this feeling it’s common to start looking around for the source of the stare.

What if aliens don’t have this? You can stare at them for hours and they won’t even shift uncomfortably or become anxious. What if only humans have this?

It’s been a week since the new human climbed aboard our ship. It is well known they are an interesting and somewhat terrifying species that, surprisingly, are very knew to the Alliance. But even though they were fresh to the universe, they somehow were able to be a big influence.

So naturally most of us stared at the new human in curiosity. It was a male from what we could gather and he was a loud human. He would talk all the time with the other members of the crew and would make noises while he worked. “Outgoing” as the humans described it.

But something strange happens to him when we are looking at him. He could be talking to a crew member or doing his work when I start to stare for more then a few minutes I mean, he’s just so strange looking and he seems harmless from the outside that I couldn’t help but stare.

Suddenly he stiffens, grows quiet. The room is completely silent. It sets me on edge. Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?

Suddenly the human snaps his head towards me with his forehead hair down “frowning”, he’s staring right at me.

I shriek internally and panick. Oh no he’s mad he’s going to kill me? How did he know I was looking at him?! Does he have sensors or something?!?! Damn it I knew I shouldn’t have been alone with him!

I quickly hovered out of the room and hid behind a generator. I pray to Xbephon he doesn’t find me.

The Human shook his head and continued back to his work. Mumbling about “weird aliens, I was just going to ask them to stop staring.”

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

Imagine an alien species that venerates the spoken word.

Speaking is a sacred thing to them. Why wouldn’t it be? it’s the ritual exchange of information through a complex series of structures evolved over millennia. That’s a really big deal. So they only ever speak to each other in words to relay important information, like orders or relevant things not already obvious. Small talk either doesn’t exist or is only exchanged with your closest friends or family members. Otherwise it’s not just impolite, but practically blasphemy.

Then humans come along. At first they seem like they’re the same way–their ambassadors are eloquent and polite, and sure maybe their wording can be a little needlessly fancy, but every species is a little different and you’ve gotta make some allowances.

That’s what the aliens think until they actually meet their human crew mates.

And they discover that humans??? Will just say???? Anything?????

One human is braiding another’s hair and comments, “you have so much hair!” as if the other human didn’t know that already??? Their alien crew member is absolutely appalled at the casual use of speech to relay such pithy information. But the other human doesn’t even care???

Another human sees something funny and says “I’m dying” and the alien runs over like “OH NO WHERE DOES IT HURT” and the human is utterly baffled and says “I didn’t actually mean it” which is outrageous because why would that human dare use the power of speech to state something blatantly untrue?

The alien thinks they’ve seen the worst of it. And then a human comes out of the latrine. And they open their mouth.

“YOOOO GUYS I JUST TOOK THE BIGGEST SHIT”

Submitted by: @attentiondeficitohlookasquirrel

Willow and Tara from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

CANON GAY COUPLES

(please reblog and add more!)

Rachel and Luce from Imagine Me And You

Waverley and Haught from Wynonna Earp

Magnus and Alec from Shadowhunters

Billy and Teddy from Young Avengers, Marvel

Ruby and Sapphire from Steven Universe

Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family

Holt and Kevin from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Isak and Even from Skam

Emily and Naomi from Skins UK

Alex and Maggie from Supergirl

Stef and Lena from The Fosters

Please invade the earth. You’ll take better care of it than humans.

Is this an order to attack? My team and I are on a scouting mission, we are not prepared for combat. Recent data suggests humans are more dangerous than we previously believed. What is your ranking? Who approved this?