Somebody Said Humans Would Be The Mad Scientist Species To Aliens- Like, Aliens Watch Back To The Future,

So a lot of ‘Humans are weird/space orcs’ posts always say that humans are 'apex predators’, but really we’re not.

We’re a 2.2 on the food chain (highest is 5). To put that into perspective about a pig or an anchovy. Yeah.

So imagine aliens thinking that well obviously humans must be the apex predators of Earth, after all they’re so advanced, use pursuit as a form of attack and have high pain tolerance etc etc.

But they find out that we aren’t. We literally just said “fuck you food chain” and rose above our standing. Imagine how aliens would react to that.

yES GOOD

i will sell my soul for amputee, half blind angry kid vriska. 

she lost her arm in an escalating LARPing conflict that ended in fireworks and the hospital and a few mangled friends.

vriska serket, 12 years old and missing an arm, trying to claw out a group of friends and companions. 

vriska who was raised by a grandmother who doesnt care and who lives in her mothers diaries  

vriska who is a shell of spikes and anger and a gruff temper because without that there would be nothing left of her 

((Start at 1:51))

One day more!

One day more to revolution

We will

nip it

in the bud!

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

They will wet themselves with blood!

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch ‘em as they fall

Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

Here’s a little “dip” There a little “touch”

Most of ‘em are goners so they won’t miss much!

One day to a new beginning (Raise the flag of freedom high!)

Every man will be a king (Every man will be a king!)

There’s a new world for the winning (There’s a new world to be won!)

Do you hear the people sing?

My place is here, I fight with you!

One day more!

We will join these people’s heroes We will follow where they go

We will learn their little secrets, We will know the things they know.

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch 'em as they fall Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

One more day to revolution We will nip it in the bud We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

Tomorrow we’ll discover What our God in heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

Not greeting someone this way is a sleight to their honor.

Whenever I see a post on tumblr suggesting aliens don’t have gender, I always think–‘but what if also the reverse. What if aliens also have some fundamental social construct we don’t’.

Like, they come and meet us and they’re like ‘hey this is an awkward question but what’s your gooblebygark?’

And we’re like what.

‘You know, the… the thing. Your goobledygark. The thing that dictates whether you’re gnarfgnoovles or brubledoopes’

What. What. What the fuck, those words don’t even mean anything??? What are you talking about?

‘Look, your ridiculous human languages don’t seem to have the words for these! But they’re totally a thing, they’re like, fundamental aspects of social life for our species, just… just let us lick you so we can know what verb tense to use when we speak to you.’

What does one thing have to do with the other??? That makes no–

‘UGH, nevermind, you’re totally brubledoopes, I can just tell, I don’t even need to taste your bacterial skin colonies.’

And then another alien overhears and is like ‘holy shit, you can’t stereotype like that, that’s SO NOT COOL’

‘yeaH BUT THEY WON’T LET ME LICK THEM’

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

more humans are weird...

Okay, so we’ve talked about inanimate objects like Stabby the space roomba. Fair enough, the aliens think, after adjusting their mental frameworks a little. It moves around, it’s got some intelligence, humans just aren’t very good at distinguishing ‘animate’ and 'inanimate’ and will pack-bond with anything that moves. Weird, but okay.

But then:

Human Sashi: What are you doing??!

Alien fusid: …Eating the first meal of the day? I believe you call it 'breakfast’?

Human Sashi: No, I mean… you’re using my cup!

Alien fusid: Dishes were provided by the space station.

Human Sashi: Well, some of us brought our own – my friend doesn’t like them; too standardized. But that’s not what I was talking about. That’s my cup!

Alien fusid: I apologize, but it looks exactly like the other cups.

Human Sashi: No it doesn’t.

Alien fusid: …What?

Human Sashi: It’s got a chip in the corner, see?? I mean, it’s fine, but just… don’t do it again, okay.

Alien fusid: I had the strangest interaction with a human today.

Alien Wimu: The humans are quite odd. What occurred?

Alien fusid: It had pack bonded to a cup.

Alien Wimu: …a cup?

Alien fusid: Yes. It is a regulation cup, but it has a chip. Apparently, we are not to touch it.

Alien Wimu: …

Alien fusid: …

Alien Wimu, meditatively: The humans are certainly very, very odd.

Let's Fuck 'Em Up

Humans would be cute in space. I mean, lets say we’re the new guys to space travel. Sure we can go to the moon but I’m talking leaving our galaxy to go explore type of shit. We’re the space babies so every other space species sees us as bumbling children. Our eyes reflect the stars that we see in awe. Its cute. We basically turn into mini Markipliers. “Its so cool”

So they incorporate us as much as they can. They want the space babies to learn what they can about space. And how can you deny something that gets so excited just to see an asteroid right out the window? We collect meteor fragments for Christ’s sake!

They stop seeing us as babies and more as angry children though after a certain incident. There’s a planet that they see. Hector 6.

“Ooh lets go land on that one! It’s a pretty purple!” The human says with their face pressed against the glass of the window.

“We can’t.” The captain responds.

“Why not?”

“The people there are incredibly hostile due to a hostile environment. The creatures are scarier than they are.”

This is where a human’s curiosity becomes so overwhelming, their ‘fuck it’ sense comes into play. Somehow they land on the planet anyway. The group of humans try to go explore but are stopped repeatedly. But like any child, they find a way. The aliens onboard are freaking out cause 'where are they? They’re gonna get killed!’ Only for the humans to return with trophies from the planet. When questioned about it, they just respond nonchalantly. “They weren’t that bad” or “I’ve seen tougher.” Their curiosity was so grand that they fucked up any creature that tried to stop them. That’s when the aliens stop seeing is as helpless babies and more as children with anger issues. We like to fuck things up.

I am afraid

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Okay, so like how when sheep/kids baaa at you and you baaa back and they all baaa again?? How would aliens react is if a human on their mission started making the creatures noise back at them until they all doing it.

Well…

The mission was fairly simple in Grutona’s mind: follow the tracks of certain creatures and use environmental clues to discern aspects of the creature’s lifestyle and needs. The group had been following the large, octagonal shaped prints of a swutonaton for the past several standard hours, and up to this point, they still hadn’t actually encountered the beast.

Good. Grutona was not keen on being eaten alive today, which would surely be the result of disturbing the beast. Protocol on the mission was to leave should contact be breached with any species that was not fully documented.

However, there was one member of the team that made Grutona worry. Maria seemed to take things like Protocol as more of a… guideline. Already today Maria had disregarded rules about eating wild tree fruit claiming “they have these on my planet, don’t worry!” Grutona did worry. Especially when Maria added: “Besides, they’re delicious.” Grutona knew what type of treefruit Maria was eating, and xhe was skeptical of the claim. These deadly fruits humans called “lemons” were HIGHLY acidic and sour. On xer home world, a fruit like that would be used by deadly criminals as a poison.

Needless to say, having a human on the crew had been an eye-opening, mind-boggling experience. Grutona was learning more about universal cultures on this mission than ever before, that was for certain.

It was a few more minutes of walking along the path, Grutona taking note of the way the plant life was smashed down to the side of the path of the tracks as if the swutonaton had stopped for a time and rested.

“Ah, so it appears swutonaton are a restful breed, and likely a predator species as evident by their choice location being one leaving them so vulnerable.” Kerip, another member of the team, said this clinically, xis eyes dilating further as his species was wont to do in order to get a magnified look at things. As he was examining he spoke to his partner, Bepin who recorded xis observations on a datapad.

There was a noise further down the trail, strangely like a yawn. Grutona looked over cautiously. Maria was gone. Grutona frowned and made toward the sound hoping it was just Maria doing some sort of human thing xhe was unfamiliar with and not the beast hiding in the plant life beyond planning an attack on the mission crew.

But when had luck ever been on Grutona’s side?

As xhe rounded the bend in the trail xhe was met with the horrifying sight. Xhe would have screamed if it were a characteristic of xer race. Instead, xhe stood there in shock.

Maria stood in front of the creature they were tracking all right. The only thing was, the team was entirely wrong about what they thought they were following here. They had assumed the animal was very large, at least nine or ten times the actual size of the creatures in front of them now. And creatures they were. There were at least fifteen of these creatures and they were all piled atop one another, drooling heavily, spiked tails and trunks laying anywhere. 

“I’d definitely call this a dog-pile.” Maria chuckled, completely unconcerned at the reality that basically everything they had assumed about these creatures was wrong. Maria turned to look at Grutona, eyes gleaming in mischief. “Guess we were wrong about the elephant-sized animal with forty pig-sized feet, huh?” Grutona said nothing, still reeling. They needed to leave, Protocol demanded it, and they needed to go soon before more of the creatures woke up as one was doing now.

“Hey, look! They’re starting to wake up! They’re so cute!” Maria took another step closer to them, making cooing noises as Grutona watched in horror as more of the swutonatons started to rouse. Footsteps behind xer alerted xer to the rest of the team arriving to the scene finally. 

There was a moment of stunned silence before an exasperated sound came from Bepin and Kerip started mumbling in astonishments about all the things they had wrongly ascertained. 

“We should leave,” a voice of reason finally called from the back of the group: Teriwald, the ranked officer from the ship who had been tasked with “protecting the scientists” on the expedition.

Grutona found xer voice again, finally. “You’re–”

There was a sudden, loud sound from the pile of creatures “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrm.”

“Okay, that was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard,” Maria was watching the herd of swutonaton with complete adoration in her gaze. Grutona had been warned to be wary of humans when they assumed a look like this one. There was no telling what kind of things they might do next. 

Whatever Grutona had expected, it was not what Maria did next. Maybe xhe thought she would have started running in circles around the group or walk over and touch one, but xhe certainly did not predict that  Maria would raise her arms in imitation of a swutonaton trunk and repeat the noise back at them in perfect imitation. “Meeeeeeeerrrrrm!”

“What are you doing, we need to go!” Teriwald reminded in an increasingly demanding tone. 

“Calm down, Waldo, we’re fi–” Maria was cut off by several cries of the swutonaton calling back at her.

“Meeeeeerrrm!” 

“Oh, this is too good!” More of the swutonaton had stirred now, and they were climbing off of each other and standing in a herd before Maria who laughed and made the noise again. 

“Meeeerrrm!”

“MEEEEEEEEERRRRRM!!!” The entire herd of seventeen (Grutona had counted in xer moments of horror earlier) swutonaton were now calling back at Maria’s prompting. 

Nobody on the team said anything as they all watched in rapt attention Maria and the herd of swutonaton yell at each other for the next ten standard minutes. 

Humans, Grutona concluded, still half horrified, are weird.