I Am Afraid

Humans are weird...

I love all these humans are weird posts so I’m trying my hand at one. I’ve been thinking, humans are like, ridiculous specialists. Our brains is so big we’re born prematurely so as not to tear our mothers apart. And we’re born crazy weak and we have super long childhoods to compensate. We pack bond and bond with bigger creatures to deal with this (this is why we think babies of all species are cute, it’s basically a drive to take care of this weak little thing because our own children are so weak). So what if alien species evolved so there was one, super weak but really brilliant species, has fine motor skills, huge language skills etc, and one that evolved as a symbiote that was basically huge protective dog/ox type to do the heavy lifting. And it’s really bizarre that we don’t have this symbiosis. Like the fact that humans are a stand alone species is weird. We seem huge and bulky to the tiny intelligent species (in my head it’s basically an otter/raven hybrid) and small and delicate to the other. And they don’t get how we function alone, until they see us spilling our pack bonding instincts all over everything, hostile predators, teddy bears, roombas, even cups with little chips in them. And then it’s like, oh I see, you don’t bond really strongly to one thing you bond just a little bit to everything and wait to see what sticks.

My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.

So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion? 

What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.

Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.

If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you. 

We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.

We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.

We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun. 

Imagine an alien species that venerates the spoken word.

Speaking is a sacred thing to them. Why wouldn’t it be? it’s the ritual exchange of information through a complex series of structures evolved over millennia. That’s a really big deal. So they only ever speak to each other in words to relay important information, like orders or relevant things not already obvious. Small talk either doesn’t exist or is only exchanged with your closest friends or family members. Otherwise it’s not just impolite, but practically blasphemy.

Then humans come along. At first they seem like they’re the same way–their ambassadors are eloquent and polite, and sure maybe their wording can be a little needlessly fancy, but every species is a little different and you’ve gotta make some allowances.

That’s what the aliens think until they actually meet their human crew mates.

And they discover that humans??? Will just say???? Anything?????

One human is braiding another’s hair and comments, “you have so much hair!” as if the other human didn’t know that already??? Their alien crew member is absolutely appalled at the casual use of speech to relay such pithy information. But the other human doesn’t even care???

Another human sees something funny and says “I’m dying” and the alien runs over like “OH NO WHERE DOES IT HURT” and the human is utterly baffled and says “I didn’t actually mean it” which is outrageous because why would that human dare use the power of speech to state something blatantly untrue?

The alien thinks they’ve seen the worst of it. And then a human comes out of the latrine. And they open their mouth.

“YOOOO GUYS I JUST TOOK THE BIGGEST SHIT”

Submitted by: @attentiondeficitohlookasquirrel

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

Okay, so going off the whole space Australia thing, imagine aliens would think of ACTUAL AUSTRALIA. Humans are batshit insane, we do some crazy shit, but a decent amount of us are shocked by the mere concept of living in Australia. That place is no joke, it’s a death trap of a continent that somehow became a badass country. You don’t fuck with Australia.

Alien: what is a kangaroo?

Human: oh, it’s an animal from Australia. They hop around and the carry their kids in pouches. They may be cute, but don’t get them angry, they can kill you.

The…the human is actually WARNING them of something? The human is AFRAID?

Human: that’s just Australia for you, though. Literally EVERYTHING on that continent can kill you, so I guess it’s not THAT off. Be careful if you ever go to Australia, though. It’s a very dangerous place.

And this all of the aliens avoid Australia at all costs because if the fucking HUMANS are scared then it must be the most dangerous and frightening place ever.

OKAYOKAYOKAY B U T Aliens that only have mates to reproduce. Once every couple of moons they find their partner, do the do, then find a completely different one the next cycle. Imagine these aliens being confused about the human concept of marriage - “you stay with them for life?“ - and not understanding that while yes, Intaquk, you are very attractive I am married so no I will not be your mate this season. Imagine Valentines Day rolling around and one of a crews humans is feeling sad and the aliens are like “yo r u okay should we feed u or something is this natrual” and the human “just kinda bummed i dont have a valentines” and after a bit of research of the holiday one of the aliens gets down on one knee and offers the human a small rock like “I heard these..proposals are common in human culture?” AND THE HUMAN JUST STARTS SMILING AND TAKES THE PEBBLE LIKE ‘thank you fruiyo’ AND THE OTHER HUMANS AROUND START GUSHING OVER HOW ADORABLE THE SCENE WAS. THE ALIENS PICK UP ON HOW THESE PROPOSALS MAKE THE HUMANS ELATED, THEREFORE SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE ARE PROPOSED TO WITHIN THE MONTH A N D

humans are weird

of course there’s been lots of posts about how humans have pets

dangerous pets. that can kill. that are kept even having injured their human. ugly pets that humans still gush over.

but what if what really makes humans weird is the love we have for our pets? like, aliens can sort of understand pets because not only can they be used to hunt, but also because humans are known throughout the galaxy as a species that will aggressively pack bond and adopt even inanimate objects.

but humans love their pets. humans will cry over their pets. even humans who have been identified by other humans as criminals and dangerous have and love pets. humans that abuse their pets are looked at with disgust and considered criminal. humans will risk their lives for animals that aren’t even theirs. humans will make their pet toys. humans will groom their pet simply because their pet enjoys it.

imagine an alien experiencing a pet’s funeral. and every human crew member is crying. a couple even do a little speech for poor bobby. and the alien crew are just utterly confused? because isn’t this usually reserved for dead humans? not a non-sentient being?!?!

they ask Human-Bee after the funeral- why is your species upset. you ingest poison for fun. you evolved on the planet from hell. you can get another parasite- sorry- I mean pet, can’t you?

yes, crewman t’sk, of course we can get another pet, but we loved bobby

the humans are all noticeably upset for the next week, so the alien crew on the next shore leave sneak away and when they come back present their humans with a new dog called jeff

watching all the humans smile and coo over the new dog, the alien crew think that maybe the universal pamphlets advertising how to care for humans were wrong. maybe these humans and pets aren’t in a parasitical relationship, but a symbiotic one.

The pack bond feature your race has aquired is vastly inconvenient to say the very least.

Okay, so I feel like contributing to the Humans Are Weird section and it’s just, humans and predators get along? Like, we have mutual beneficial relationships and companionship with animals that, in theory, we should be fighting with. 

Like, we have cats and dogs as pets, some people have wolves, we see lions and tigers and think they’re cute, hell, zoologists have been raising Big Cats for years, not to mention the stories about people care taking bears. 

And if Jurassic World became a thing, you can bet your ass someone would Chris Pratt a set of pack dinos

So like, imagine that theres a race of aliens who are, by genetic script, predatory, and vicious and every alien system are like “Theres no chance at establishing peace with them, it’s impossible.” But then humans come and we stumble across a wounded one like 

“this species ?? Is adorable ?” And all the other aliens are like 

“No, human Mike, it is a vicious predator! It’s bet to just avoid the quadrant where theyre from and destroy any that come too close.” 

“You want to kill him, but he’s just a wittle cutie!” 

“ … Human Mike, stand back!” And of course the humans rally around it and force the other aliens out and slowly feed/build up trust with the species and we form a bound with them and Aliens are like ???? 

Evetually humans teach the aliens how to respond to the species and while they’re still pretty dangerous if they’re hungry and you shouldn’t turn your back on them, there’s still like, relative trust between the species. 

I will not let my brood mother perish

Reblog or your mom will die in 928 seconds.

I love my mom.

I am risking nothing

I AM SORRY FOLLOWERS, I LOVE MY MOMMY

Will not risk.

sorry followers :(

Humans are Space Orcs

I discovered (and subsequently gobbled unashamedly on) Humans are Space Orcs, Earth is Space Australia and Humans are Weird trends, and I L O V E D them so here’s my little contribution: medicine, hardy humans, and how-the-heck-is-this-a-medical-procedure??? 

Imagine an alien medical officer going to the Earth to have an update course about human medicine, so he can take care properly of the humans on his crew. He comes back in a shock reporting that apparently humans: 

Are born without teeth, then grow a first set, as they mature they shed the first set and grow a permanent one. If the permanent set is not perfect, they literally wield metal contraptions on the teeth of their younglings to force the teeth to grow straight. 

Blood is vital. BUT female humans loose blood for five days every month through their genital organs if they don’t get pregnant. This causes an array of problems (from mild pain to ostheoporosis), but females wave this away as a mere inconvenience.    

They literally take organs from dead bodies and transplant them into humans with non functioning organs. 

They inject pathogens to make themselves resistant to diseases. 

Use electrical shocks to reset and restart the heart when it does not function properly. Some humans have a permanent shock machine implanted in their chest. 

Consider a perfectly valid emergency procedure to repeatedly hit with a lot of strenght the chest of a person.