I'm Exhausted Like All The Time. I Can't Drink Coffee Because It Makes My Stomach Hurt And It Makes Me

this could be the snart of something big

me: I gotta get up early so it's super important I get good sleep tonight

brain: i-important?? that's scary! too much pressure! noooo we should stay up watching youtube with steadily growing anxiety instead!

my top 10 favorite (funniest) emojis (on an android/Samsung phone)

10. 😀

lowkey looks traumatized. homie just got told something awful and is still in shock.

9. 😦

previous entry a few moments later

8. 😔

very pitiable shame. like a dog that ripped up the couch. perfect for when someone is mad at me

7. 🤔

hermmmm. usually follows a conspiracy theory

6. 🙂

head empty. or, possibly, full of quiet evil

5. 😏

heh, nothin' personal kid

4. 🤨

3. 🤥

says so much with so little

a liar. but he seems very disappointed in himself

2. 🥸

great for texting incognito. "that message couldn't have come from me, that guy looks nothing like me!"

honorable mention: 😗

was gonna kiss you, but then you said that and now I'm not sure

1. 😱

nothing I will ever text anyone is worthy of the sincere horror seen here. "what if they're out of carrots 😱" unparalleled drama. best read with a loud gasp.

ok guys the world is not allowed to end rn, I'm on the toilet and that would be sooo embarrassing

Right click -> save as -> ancient curse

me: *peeling potatoes in the sink*

my ancestors: ah, some things never change :)

me: *turns on garbage disposal*

my ancestors: D:

y'all can we bring back the public execution? like hanging in the town square

not for anyone else, just for me

and not for any crime, just cause that's how I wanna go out

was walking in the woods, saw this chip bag stuck to the rocks in the river (creek?). so I subjected myself to the worst sensory experience known to man and took off my shoes to wade over slimy ass river (creek?) rocks to fish it out. almost slipped like 8 times, but we did it. consider the environment saved guys

april fools used to be such a big deal to me. now I let year after year pass without a single jape or gag performed

is this what it is to lose your childhood whimsy?

um. tee hee 🤭

or smth. idk still workshopping