XU LI YIFEI LILI, PERFORMER. ENCHANTED WAVES SANCTUM

•  ໒꒱ . CHUSEOK # 2024 、

lili wakes in a bed not her own on september seventeen.

the middle of the week, from below, seoul had become a ghost town; veteraned city dwellers crawling back to their hometowns for the three-day holiday. from where she woke, lili lays in bed, still stuffed in her pajamas and the lush terry-cloth robe afforded by the hotel.

it takes her a moment to react, still trying to figure out how and why she was anywhere but her bed in the dormitory or her bed in her apartment in cheongdam then she remembers and kind of wishes she doesn’t. pulling the covers over her head when she hears the notable knock on the door, the sign of the room service she had requested the night before when she had been left on her own by the end of the day.

ramming her feet into the pair of slippers at the end of the bed, she makes to the door — still not ready to start the day but it was now or never.

and well, lili was never one to dwell on spilled milk, anyways.

( even if the traces of such a thing were still found having run dry on her cheeks )

having promised her september sixteen for her time, lili still could not believe it. it was unheard of, yes, and lili, quite frankly, hadn’t expected her grandmother to be so proactive in scheduling for her time and yet, lili could not help but be excited. 

expected to spend the day, arriving to seoul that very afternoon, they had booked a quiet lunch at a hotel in myeongdong. it had been months since she last saw her grandmother, was it last year that she had seen her last? it had been that long.

with a laundry list of grievances, lili puts it behind her, puts her best ( read: newest ) dress on and rides to myeongdong with a smile that could not be contained. even the driver, who’s known lili since she had arrived in seoul, finds it questionable but doesn’t press her for it, lest it loses its shine from the most minor intrusion.

arriving on time — consideredlate in her grandmother’s book — she rides to the top floor, all the nerves and anguish bundled in her tiny fist as she clutches her fendi to her chest and steps, head held high, towards the hostess.

the expected, “your party has already arrived, follow me.” makes lili’s insides twist but her smile doesn’t fall; keeping in time with the woman as she follows behind to a pair of doors centered at the back of the restaurant, it’s patrons littered to a select few due to the nature of the holiday.

when the other makes a move to open the doors, lili stops her, thanking her for her guidance only for lili to take a hand to the knob herself. she needed the moment to be alone, she needed the breath that she had been holding in ever since she had stepped off the lift.

with a brief one, two — inhale, exhale — she pulls the door away from its hinges, stepping into the room.

and her guise falls.

her expectations have run dry and to no one’s surprise, her smile finally loses its luster.

“so, where is she?” she asks, taking her seat across from one of her grandmother’s lesser-of-importance assistants. one who probably knew korean and wouldn’t have minded the mini-vacation, the one that she had been granted after she took care of the errand her grandmother had sent her on.

the errand?

breaking the news to her beloved granddaughter.

“beijing. they’re awarding her for her work in the eco-development of ….” that’s when lili tunes her out, feeling the grip on her fist loosen as her eyes lose sight of the person in front of her and all she wants to do — all she really can do is wait there until the woman finishes whatever she was ordered to do.

“the chairwoman paid for your stay at the hotel, if you’d like to eat we can also order a meal.”

that’s when lili stands, fingers now digging into the beads of her bag. “no, let’s go to the room, i’ve suddenly lost my appetite.”

she watched the assistant round the table and knew the other was counting her blessings; out of all the things lili could do, she was lucky to have found a day lili was too tired to try.

making someone’s life hell could be saved for another day, lili was too busy trying to pick up the pieces of her pride.

they ride down to a different level and lili follows her down the winding hallway to a suite on the far side of the floor. 

a hand waves the key card to its function and the click of the door has it open before lili can slip from her daze.

“would you like me to —”

“actually,” she cuts in, then, hand on the door to stop the other from entering. “i’d like to be alone. please wish my grandmother a happy 中秋节 for me.”

she had the sense to know that, at least, her grandmother would check in whether the assistant had completed her job before she would ever pick up the phone to actually call lili about it — not when the fuse and all the dramatics that come with it had been lit.

leaving lili with the room key, the door closes and the first thing lili does is toss her bag to the bed, noticing the packed suitcase by the balcony door and she can’t help but laugh. the woman really had planned it all despite saying she would make time for her.

and rather than own up to her mistake of ever promising anything, she found a way around it, with a non-apology of money — the stuffed pack had barely fit in her bag — and a paid stay at a luxury hotel hotel. 

lili knew she shouldn’t have held her expectations — 

fuck, but she had already let them run away with her before she could help it, she thinks, sinking herself into the comfort of a warm duvet and the low-lit chandelier. feeling the depths of the silence render her emotional. 

had the quiet ever felt so lonely as it did today? 

she tells herself she’ll allow herself the tears. she’s granted it this one time and after that, she’ll never think of it again for the rest of the year.

what lili doesn’t consider is the way the tears come and never stop.

୨୧     W     :     FINDING YOUR INNER VARIETY STAR   _   2

WHAT DID YOU CONSIDER THE EASIEST & HARDEST PART OF THE WORKSHOP?

“to be funny.” lili wasn’t funny at least when she tried to be — funny had to be an instinctive trait, one that came easy for them, but lili wasn’t like that. “don’t get me wrong, i’m funny, but not when i want to be — at least that’s what people say.” people tell her she’s funny but lili didn’t think so, if anything, she believed she was a far cry from it.

HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL SATISFACTION WITH THE WORKSHOP?

“out of ten?” lili thinks on it, pausing for a moment before, nodding her head, satisfied with what she’s come up with, “i’d say ten. astrid 선배님 had a lot to share and tried her best to make us comfortable.” and when lili said she tried, she really did try — but it wasn’t enough for lili to cross her boundaries and her ego, unfortunately. at the ripe age of twenty-four, lili was already set in stone and could not (rather, would not) compromise herself in the name of variety. and maybe that had been her downfall from the beginning.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A FOLLOW-UP WORKSHOP ON THE SAME TOPIC?

should she be honest — would it look bad on her if she was? or should she lie? she was good at that — through her teeth, tongue to cheek, a gentle, slow breath before she says what’s exactly on her mind: “no, i think i’m just not suited for variety, at least, if i were to go by myself. i feel like i’m a go with the flow, rely on people i know type of variety person but if i was just the individual guest? i don’t think i’m funny enough for that — or i suppose, it just depends on the type of variety. gags and the like, please refrain from recommending me.” was that a bit much? maybe but lili had to draw the line somewhere. this workshop had proved that this was not the line of work she wanted to be associated with.

ONLY HOTTIES SHARE A BRAIN CELL. must lili say more? — @lgcmaylin

time flies and once october comes knocking, lili’s favorite holiday is nearly here — second to her birthday, of course. ( and that’s nearly a month and some away )

shocker, lili loves being a scream queen — it was practically her birthright but with the proposed concept for the party, this time, she finds herself struggling to wrack her head for a costume that would fit the bill. it wasn’t like lili spent her time playing games — not when her grandmother practically left no room in her adolescent schedule to actually enjoy her adolescence with adolescent things like, well, video games.

and while she’s at least heard of the games — she can’t say she can recall a character from the top of her head except that weird italian plummer and lili had already deemed that he was decidedly unsexy and well — she wanted to be the opposite of that.

can you say mamma mia!

“i want to dress sexy this year … is that too much to ask?” her eyes scan the halls, halloweek had chanced upon them without so much of a hello. the white rabbits stuck to miscellaneous things were the crumbs to the game — a bit much considering she had more dire, sexy problems to handle. finding one hidden in the crack of a door, lili rolls her eyes as she reads the ‘take me’, letting the card sway back and forth caught between her fingers. “do you have any idea of who you’re going to be for the party?”

satisfied with his answer, lili only beams in response. maybe she should call it luck that the cameras were rolling — getting an complimentary answer from minkyu as so has never been easier. 

“alright, alright, picasso. i can’t wait to see what you come up with.” she teases, eyes shining bright as she looks from the set of colors she had already swiped to her side to him. 

every now and then, her eyes briefly glance his way — a mirror of the image she was trying to transfer to the kite itself. unfortunately, lili was no artist — not in this way at least — but she makes the most of her materials and does her best to her strengths.

in the end, her kite looks more reminiscent of those old school shoujo mangas she and taeha used to pour over back in high school in between competitions; how she had remembered such a small detail is beyond her — but here it is, drawn in it’s full length: accented with big yellow stars and overly-drawn pink and blue flowers to surround the image of minkyu in the style of a shoujo protagonist from the 90’s. 

her ears perking when she hears his completion and she immediately snaps up the kite before his eyes could take in what she had made — smile already just that bit triumphant and overall pleased with what she had come up with.

“okay — i’m ready.” she takes a breath before initiating the countdown —

“one …. two …. three!” 

once sung, she spins her kite in time with his only to feel her lips crinkle in amusement; laughter already on the cusp of her tongue as she tries to choke out a — “is that supposed to be keroppi?? or is it kermit?” 

Off-camera, if this were truly Lili and Minkyu in their natural states, her comment about Hollywood actresses would be met with a snarky reply;

Minkyu would likely respond with something along the lines of how she’s pretty cute, but there’s no way she could compare to someone like Anne Hathaway.

This, of course, would all be in playful jest, never serious, always lighthearted. But the cameras are rolling, and while Minkyu always strives to present his most genuine self to the viewers and fans ( slash girlfriends ), he knows this moment calls for sweetness;

it's a moment meant to quicken Lili's heartbeat and those of the audience.

So he gives her a sweet smile, one that seems reserved solely for her, and gently lifts his free hand to fix a stray lock of her bangs. "You should already know you're much cuter than any Hollywood actress." he says, his voice soft and sincere.

Even as they sit down, his perpetual half-smile remains, his eyes scanning the array of tools before quickly picking up the right markers and pens to decorate the kite.

"You'll be surprised. I'm the modern Picasso!" he declares with a playful brow wiggle in her direction, almost charming, before his focus returns to the kite.

He's chosen the same colors as her favorite plushie, even attempting to draw a chibi version of it. Though it hasn’t turned out perfectly, it's recognizable enough.

After a few minutes, he looks back up, a grin on his lips as he hides the result of his craft with his arms. "Okay, let's show what we've created on the count of three!"

nearly wincing at the sound his straw makes as it makes contact with it’s plastic borders, a hand raises to stop him — already feeling the overdramatic and too real ache of a migraine rumbling at her temples. “please stop.” ignoring the fact that it would be her first and only time she ever uttered please in his presence. 

she tilts her head at that — confusion filtering through her features within seconds. “why else would we have coffee?” and lili was far too prideful to head over to jieun’s truck, even if the dessert selection did appear yummier from the looks of the cute banners. “i think they’d rather have a thank you from you though,” her eyes run from him to the workers behind the counter who obviously haven’t taken their eyes off of the actor since his appearance before the stand.

“why don’t you honor them that pretty little actor smile they all love?” 

she almost has to laugh, though, seeing hyunsoo in his element had been interesting. it was definitely a glaring contrast to seeing him at some stuffy party filled with obnoxious social climbers and money-grubbers. 

“hardly — just some annoyance that won’t stop bothering me. maybe you know her.” she fishes for her phone before revealing to him the long list of messages from his mother lili hadn’t bothered replying to. 

There are a number of coincidences that happen within industry when one comes from the background that Hyunsoo does. It becomes inevitable. Children of executives offered positions at studios or pushed into roles by overbearing mothers, bored socialites figuring they will make their acting debut. The industry has and always will reek of nepotism and advantages taken with money.

Needless to say, seeing Lili on the film set comes as little to no shock. Not for any reasons listed prior — on the contrary, he is certain her determination has landed her there just as his did. She would not be subject to walking around in a plague doctor mask ( faceless ) had she a say in the matter and he knows it. And, perhaps, she would not seem so displeased to see him.

To meet her halfway, He pushes past a few young murmuring staff members; of whom giggled amongst themselves when he stood back in awe of his gifted coffee truck. ( Pictures of himself are plastered along the sides on posters that would soon be torn for the next gig. )

"Why are you thanking me? You should be thanking them, too," voice laced with what can only be described as a hint of sarcasm, he reaches for the iced americano, stretching the straw in and out of it with an agonizing scrape before he takes a sip. "You seem particularly... snippy today. What's wrong? Displeased with the movie's premise?"

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“wishful thinking.” lili says, because the horror that maylin had wished would not happen — comes sliding right in on a silver cart. presented in a decadent array of vibrant colors were the cherry on top to an already embarrassing ensemble. in a way, if this had been circa met gala 2019, lili would have passed it off as camp — perhaps avant garde. but this was neither 2019 nor the met gala.

and it was obvious, this type of dress that had been all the rage for the time it had been in should have stayed there.

“god, i really should not have eaten that salmon skin roll for lunch.” 

it surely had come back to bite her in the ass — or more specifically, in the form of attire she was to grace national televisions in the upcoming weeks ahead. sigh, the things she did for fame. 

“i love sushi as much as the next person, but i’m not lady gaga — i don’t want to wear what i eat.” 

siren.

this had to be some kind of karma put onto maylin for all her days of complaining and teasing the innocent.

there was no other explanation as to why she was standing here wearing - well, she knew the day would come when the songs were announced for the senior trainees. it was popular during its release date and resurfaced recently in the charts. she's seen many people perform it in the past, and all of them wore the sushi on top of their heads with a smile on their faces.

and she had no choice but to smile as well, while her eyes were dead to the world and regretting every second.

with dress rehearsals and fittings hitting them all like a wave, maylin showed up in her usual black and neutral attire as she waited for her turn. when she spotted a familiar face, she immediately went over to @lgclili and linked their arms. "please tell me i'm not the only one gagging at the thought of wearing a certain outfit." she whispered, speaking in Cantonese. "maybe they'll spare us all and we only get the dress, or something completely different. i simply can't accept our fates here."

the delusions, that's all her mind was filled with at this point.

she knows what they’re looking for — it was kind of hard not to know. it’s the usual: creative beyond your means, doing what no one has ever done before — that kind of thing, making a mark for yourself out of the box you called home. 

however, for lili — she hardly cared about the creative process. for lili: it was probably beyond her and her expertise. as long as the song or the choreography didn’t make her look like a laughing stock, she was fine doing something that someone else had put their blood, sweat and tears into engineering.

but now, as she puts her own blood, sweat and tears into whatever this could be — it exhausts her, and she’s ready to take a quick way out; but not before making sure that whatever the fuck this came to be didn’t look like she just pulled it from the depths of who knows where. 

“nah, nonsense — all i need is a new eye.” ( and unwarranted, half-hearted praise ) “i’m trying to match the beat but i feel like it’s coming off as stiff.” and it probably is considering this was far out of lili’s line of comfort. 

playing the song from her phone, lili lets lovely filter out into the quiet. with the help — and a healthy bribe — from one of the other trainees who had skillfully isolated the metronome in the song, she was concentrated on hitting with each move is louder than the mellowed songstress who was mumbling in the background but each move she did felt weird — disconnected, and as she does these movements before rua’s eyes, they feel even more amplified as wrong. 

“god, it looks silly, doesn’t it?”

honestly speaking, rua wasn't that interested in choreographing.

thinking about having to come up with different steps and moves then combining them into something that'd be presentable as a full dance is a tall wall she's not sure she wants to try scaling - but as it goes with all things she's taken on since becoming a trainee, she's at least open to trying. she'll never know if she might end up liking something if she doesn't give it a chance so when it was basically a requirement to focus on their personal creative skills, rua chose what she felt were the most appealing to her out of the given options.

still, she wasn't quite confident in what she picked; it showed in how she had absolutely no idea what she should be doing but not wanting to appear like she needed to be hand-held through the entire thing, rua opted for googling choreography tips and looking up videos on youtube for ideas and inspiration in the corner of the practice room she had claimed for herself. no one had to know, right?

that is, until she hears someone calling her name which causes her to look up from her phone in surprise, as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't have. when she processes that the person--whom she remembers (hopefully, correctly) to be another trainee named lili--who said her name was not trying to expose her and instead, was asking for her advice on something, rua feels a small sense of relief - but only a little bit and the feeling doesn't last for long either.

she's not sure how much valuable input she can give considering she was just searching everything up a mere moment ago but rua doesn't want others to find that out. so she smiles and says, "i don't know how much i can help but sure," before walking over to lili and nodding. "what move are you trying to do?"

໒꒱ .  TRAINEE MISSION # 16 、INTERVIEW .

lili had never been the spill your guts, vulnerable in front of the camera kind of person.

but she likens this scenario as a part to play. a role she must succeed to in order to get to where she must. and where that place is is where people liked that vulnerable in front of the camera, spill your silly guts kind of crap. 

so, lili does what she can — musters up the silly little guts that would get her somewhat of a good standing and puts on that darling, pretty smile her grandma loves.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT FOR TODAY ?

“my favorite? it has to be —” she racks her brain for something memorable that happened today: she had almost fell in chicken shit — it literally was everywhere, it was probably all up in the grooves of her boots — the smell was permanently stuck in her nose no matter what jaekyung had tried, she was tired — lili did not want to revisit such a memory. and yet, here she re-tells the tale like it was some funny comedic sketch that had brought her to her tears in joy and jest. a darling smile brought to her lips even if the only thing she wished to say was that she was thankful that the day was finally over. “getting to see all the cute chickens, we even got to see some eggs hatch in the incubator, it was really cool. i’ve never seen that before.”

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CHALLENGE GIVEN TO YOUR TEAM ?

“hard.” probably the most truthful thing she’ll utter this weekend — and it was only friday. despite grinning and bearing it for what she could, today had really done a number for her. “bearing through the chicken coop was … an experience, i was honestly kind of scared — i thought the chickens would attack us. can you imagine getting chased by a chicken?” she shudders at the horror of the thought, for effect.

WHO DID YOU FEEL YOU GOT CLOSER TO ?

she pauses, thinking about it for a good second. even if most of the day she had stuck herself, like glue, to jiah, lili couldn’t deny that there had been quite a number of trainees she had inadvertently gotten closer to. not that she could help it, in between biting her tongue at the complaints that wished spill from her tongue, she knew the others could tell she was having a hard time and, in the end, was thankful for those who helped to make her dire experience even just a sniff better. “i’d say jaekyung? she even offered her towel to me when she saw that i was struggling.” sure, lili was being a tad bit dramatic but the stench was truly nauseating, the viewers would be glad they’d didn’t see lili hurl.

WHAT WAS ONE LESSON YOU’VE LEARNED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE ?

nothing. lili learned absolutely nothing — she wished to say, but knows that isn’t what they came here for. that that wasn’t what the viewers wanted to hear. so instead, lili works the courage of what a menial, less troublesome, more humble person would think: she knew no one of this manner so she was struggling but she makes do — “that it’s good for all of us to take a moment to slow down and feel the wind in our hair.” something like that, right?

“all the aunties here were super cute, too, maybe their fashion sense here is another lesson to remember.” 

pretty girl, bored out of her mind, now with a missing cig and a cursed migraine on the horizon — what was she to do. all she had really wanted to do was get out of the noise and smoke but even that was now out of the question. it was almost too easy to feel the spike of irritation at her nape — oh god, was that her blood pressure on the rise? 

she feigns offense — not that what he says strays an offensive line when in reality, lili would have been a fool to pay a helping hand with nothing to bargain with. and yet — “what?” a scoff cuts clean as she looks him in the eye, “nothing — she didn’t offer me anything.” it was safer to say that it wasn’t really what the woman offered that lili was after, it was vanity that lili was after, anyways. a glance to some point of ambiguity in the distance clears her conscience — if there was anything left of it. 

“ugh.” lili nearly stomps a frustrated sole, then remembers where she is and turns on said heel — eyes taking in where they are once more. loitering about with scattered boomers in every direction. hm.

tapping a pointed toe against seunghyun’s shin to get his attention, she points, in no way Inconspicuous as she should have been, to a man not too far off from their path. “go ask him for a smoke.”

Seunghyun supposes he should be impressed. His mother had really outdone herself orchestrating such an event under the guise of casual 'networking.'

While her crowd of middle-aged socialites would normally send Seunghyun up the wall, she'd done a remarkable job of wrangling a few smaller designers for a short appearance. And if the incentive of mingling with future contacts wasn't enough to keep him there, the threat of falling out of his father's good graces again surely was ( at least thanks to Seungah's poor showing in the press as of late, his position had been rather stable and he had no intentions of changing that ). All this just to keep Seunghyun in place long enough to be shoved into yet another playdate.

While he had no qualms with entertaining his mother's antics for one evening, if he had to hear another word about Lili's harmonious features or glass skin his head would be going right into the fountain along with that cigarette.

"We?" he answers with a quirk of his brow. "Well, I'm not about to go fishing for it. It's your fault it even fell in." And him making a haphazard grab for it in the first place had absolutely nothing to do with their current predicament at all.

"This whole thing is such a bore..." he groans, giving a huff as he perches himself awkwardly along the edge of the fountain. "What did she offer you this time, anyway? It had to have been some sort of bribery... Or was it blackmail?"