Appalling.

“would it be so bad if i said i didn’t mind a kfc,” now who was she and what had she done with xu lili? the girl who complained about the smell of fried chicken oil and how it would induce a zillion and one underground pimples by morning seemed to be nowhere to be seen. “at least they would welcome our presence.” 

would they make a cake out of chicken legs if she mentioned that it was her birthday?

“yea —“ her eyes drift to her heels, “for sure, definitely not dressed for anything outdoorsy. let’s also not climb any hills, i don’t think my body can take any more stress.” she knows seoul is made up of nothing but hills but if anything, it was a subtle yet desperate plea for a taxi ride rather than slumming it in the subway.

her steps begin to slow as she thinks over the options more seriously, feeling the chill in the air as she suddenly comes to a stop and is not incensed by the warmth from walking. “mmm, i’d say warm and cozy. anything but cold, please.”

"we can make it work, even if its..." jisoo side eyes lili, "a hole in the wall." at this point, most things truly were closed around this time, but he's sure there were some homely mom and pop shops, or businesses that knew they could take advantage of these days, where everyone else had off. "i promise, i am not dragging you to KFC or anything that defaults in that direction." that would make it even more of an unhappy birthday now, wouldn't it?

"but you didn't even have a birthday cake... we're going to have to remedy that." hopefully it didn't mean him baking one but if it had to happen. if his eye does a slight twitch, jisoo doesn't comment.

"not to be completely lacking adventure, it is not about me and i'd rather not completely misguide it so would you prefer something warm, or cold, relaxing... cozy, or random and," heaven forbid, "i am not going to give you the option of outdoorsy because a, we aren't dressed for it and b, i'd rather us not end up sick."

BLANK SPACES. lili hates to bother (she doesn't, in reality, she is the bother) but desperate times call for desperate measures — @lgcrua

her head is blank. a struggle lili has never once encountered before. then again, not once had she ever thought she would be attempting to choreograph something for herself again. it’s been years since ballet school and the recitals and the long nights of endless, frustrated grueling over steps and motions that lili had thought she had put behind her.

and yet —

she stands, with her hands on her hips as she lets the song play again through her airpods; repeating the motion as languidly as possible so that she doesn’t tire herself out like all those years ago when she would just run full-throttle into every move. 

it still didn’t look right — didn’t feel right either — as she does the move thrice over. because of this — she could feel the vein in her forehead ready to pop, frustration bubbling to the surface. lili hated being wrong, but she also hated wasting her time. 

from the side she spots — rua, was it? — plucking a pod from her ear, she waves with as much finesse as she can muster despite herself, “hey — rua, right?” 

“can i get your opinion on something? i keep doing this move but i feel like it doesn’t look right.” 

໒꒱ . TRAINEE MISSION # 15 、

round and round it goes.

where it stops — no one knows. 

she pulls the string once more, ricocheting the top into the floor. the clatter it makes as it hits the ground does not strip her from her reverie, irises hypnotized by the spin and pull of the game. finally a game that she had a knack at — that didn’t require her to think or to do or to ace at the first go. all it took was a pull of the twine and the top would fall apart from her fingertips. ready to split the ground beneath it as it run amok around them. 

and run it does, running in circles from point a to point z. never in the same place, its center of gravity teetering fast until it tilts a little too far on one side, collapsing upon itself as it topples. a pause in the game as she snatches it up to start all over again. 

again, it’ll spin round and round.

where it stops — her eyes will go.

follow it until the end, like an expectant child would to a mother.

or like what she believes an expectant child would do in the presence of one it fawned over. lili would no know better. like the top, she finds herself spinning and spinning — fast and furious through the lanes of people, around people, through people, continuing on until her own center of gravity tilts — and she stops, 

all to begin again.

because like a top, lili finds herself adjusting — forcing herself to acclimate to places unfamiliar, submerging head first into a game she doesn’t know, but must learn in order to survive. 

like a top, she’ll spin — spin and spin because she’s at the mercy of someone else.

the top pivots at the will of her pull, like she bends for the validation of others. begging for acceptance, vying for a win amongst the multitude of losses just stacked against her. 

fingers pull at the string once more.

and again, she’ll spin — spin, spin.

round and round, it goes.

where she’ll stop? no one knows. 

her thumb slides from the capture button to the left — engaging her camera’s burst mode as she immediately steps back at the sight of seunghyun’s hands, trying to angle her phone to the best of her ability in every which way to get the best possible picture of seunghyun in all his purple glory.

oh, and a glory it was to see.

clad in his purple get-up as a character lili can vaguely recall, she finds it absolutely horrendous and it only makes it all the more hilarious — doubled-down by his horror to get his picture taken from the current circumstance, lili had thought today’s party would be a bore.

boy, was she wrong.

the moment he lunges forward, lili dodges to her right, side stepping the toppled over snacks in her need to escape. “in your dreams, seunghyunie ~” she nearly cackles, “this is the perfect early christmas gift to me,” and with that she makes a dash for it — immediately beelining it out of his clutches. 

It was almost as if when Seunghyun woke up this morning the clouds rolled back, and a higher power bellowed from the heavens and said - Get wrecked.

He can name a solid 137 ( 138 if you include the model manager he'd been avoiding after hearing word of a group Agency photo ) people he'd rather see on the Halloween of his discontent and unfortunately Lili did not even make the short list.

"Don't - !" The first step out of a stolen box is always a doozy. For a moment it looks as if Seunghyun's head is about to pop right through one side - Though he manages to catch himself and awkwardly roll from beneath it. "Don't you dare!"

Alas, the deed is done. His eye twitches with each subsequent flash, holding up a hand to shield as much of his face as possible. The costume was egregious enough without someone bearing witness to photographic evidence of his horribly drawn on mustache.

"Delete them. All of them." A bit difficult to be intimidating in a Waluigi costume of all things. Even on his feet towering over the trainee now, it's rather comedic. "Right now! Give me that -" he lunges forward, making a grab for it only to stumble a bit and jostle the table to their left, sending a few Nintendo themed finger foods onto the floor.

shen xiaoting

Alexis Ren by Sarah Bahbah “Kygo, Chelsea Cutler - Not Ok” music video

“well, yes, of course.” but this wasn’t about her! giving her friend a narrowed look, she shakes her head. “god, guys are such cowards. being ‘untouchable’,” her fingers rise to use the appropriate and rather dramatic air quotes, “should not stop them from trying to treat you! boys love the unattainable, they chase it — it should have gotten you even more than chocolates; like flowers, a car, maybe even a building.” she’s miffed, obviously boys had lost their touch for pining. “it’s like in their dna to want what they can’t have.” 

lili would know, she’s made it her life’s mission to be chased but never caught.

“ah, but that’s the challenge to expect to be rejected and still try, y’know?” she frowns, pushing the other’s shoulder with a slight nudge before settling in her seat with a huff, obviously disgruntled at minyoung’s lack of love life drama. “no — not really? which is it? not no? not not really? so that means there’s a possibility of a someone?” suddenly, she’s interested all over again.

then she rolls her eyes, fingers flicking her hair over her shoulder, “he wishes but that’s for your ears only.” her eyes glance around at their surroundings. 

minnie chokes back a laugh. lili would always prefer a show rather than something subtle. but she was right, it would've been far more entertaining had it turned out she threw them in his face. or even better, an argument.

lili's reaction makes the colour on minnie's cheeks deepen. it was something to be embarrassed about! lili's surprise says it all. it's definitely strange for a girl not nto receive something. the most minnie has ever received were nervous confessions (and a reputation of being untouchable).

"yeaaah, i guess," minnie replies, unconvinced. it read on her face. minnie was grimacing. "you've must've gotten tons! i had a reputation in school for being untouchable. the boys would expect to get rejected..." at the mention of someone she's interested she kind of laughs. (despite a name flashing in her mind for a brief moment.) "uh, no, not really. what about you? you surely have someone you're fond of, hmm?"

they play their own game of pick and choose — his comments on the masses do little to appeal her to go out of her way to ask for another favor from another person she would rather not spend a second of her time with.

the thought, itself, made her moment here with seunghyun seem the slightest bit more bearable than any of the other options made available. at least she wouldn’t get hit on, proposed to, and/or suddenly arranged to be married. all of things she was trying to avoid with seunghyun’s mother — but her way with words was all too tempting. 

her eyes follow his line of sight to a woman in dangerously tall heels and a purse that looked like it was from marry poppin’s on xanax. “oh, she seems to love you.” then she frowns, eyes redirected to his seemingly nonchalance. “what ish? does she get nicer whenever she gets a touch up on her migrating zyderm?” lili was more preferential to eating her duck rather than seeing it on the face of some over-aged mistress.

Seunghyun snorts. "Nothing? Nothing at all? What a shame..." He knew so little about Lili other than his mother's infatuation with her bone structure - but she was beginning to seem a lot more foolish than she looked. Who would subject themselves to an evening of this willingly?

He bends to swipe at his pant leg with a subtle scowl, rising up to cross his arms over his chest. He eyes the elder waddling this way and that by the terrace's edge, muttering something to himself.

"Do you know who that is?" the model asks with a quirk of his brow. "New appointee on the board of directors at Hanhwa group. Total basket case. If I even so much as say hello I'm going to be stuck listening to him babble on for the next three hours..."

He scans the area for a moment, spying a woman frantically searching through her purse. He can't quite put a finger on it but she seems so familiar... They lock eyes and she frowns almost immediately. Oh, that's right. One of his mother's acquaintances whose shifting filler he just found so interesting ( and often commented on it quite loudly ). "Why don't you ask her? She's friendly. ...Ish."

in a perfect world, it would have just been lili and minkyu. just them, no need for lili to act up for anyone, let alone minkyu.

but this wasn’t a perfect world — as reality so helpfully liked to remind lili — and instead of it being just lili and minkyu. it was just lili and minkyu and a handful of cameras that were panning in on their every move and recording their every word. the things she would rather do — the things she would rather say are swept under her tongue and instead replaced with an appropriate, friendly smile rather than the snarky and amused — chagrin, almost — smirk.

a face the public could grow to like — a face she knows like the back of her hand. 

“i suppose you’ve got one thing going for you: good taste.” she laughs, eyes twinkling at the compliment thrown her way. despite of herself, lili knew she couldn’t deny herself the flattery.

( it was one of her weaknesses, ugh — remind her to lock it up later )

she takes his arm for hers to hold, squeezing his arm, gently, as she smiles at him. “ah, you caught me.” she laughs, lightly. “honestly, it was one of my favorite things to do when i lived in beijing. it’s like a whole event — you’d see huge, huge kites flying all around. it’s also about around this time when it’s held and i just wanted to share it with a special someone — thankfully, it’s you.” 

“oh, and we won’t just be flying them,” she’s steering him down the path towards the little workshop she had spent the past week researching. her steps growing hurried as they grow closer that the hand at his arm snakes down to grab his hand instead so they could rush forward. 

and once they do, in a plethora of sparkling hand gestures and a smile practically spilling of sunshine and warmth — god, was it aching her cheeks — “we’re also going to be making the kites!”

In Lili's company, there's an immediate sense of comfort that envelops him. Perhaps it's the deep bond of their friendship or the effortless harmony they share, but filming this reality show suddenly feels far more exhilarating than he had ever imagined.

With her, he doesn't feel the need to conform to any particular persona or mannerisms; he can simply revel in being his authentic self, secure in the knowledge that their natural dynamic will resonate with viewers.

"Who did I expect?" he ponders aloud, pretending to mull it over for a moment, mock-serious, "Some Hollywood celebrity, of course," before breaking into a grin. "Honestly, all I hoped for was someone with a pretty smile and a contagious laugh, and you fit the bill perfectly. I couldn't ask for more." His words aren't just for show or because he knows female viewers will be swooning in this moment; he genuinely means them.

Offering his arm for her to hold on to as they begin to walk, his glance casts up at the sky dotted with kites. "I'm sure flying kites will be a blast, although I've never tried it before," he confesses with somewhat of a sheepish smile. "I can't help but wonder how you came up with such a unique date idea, though. Is there a specific meaning to your choice?" His focus is solely on Lili, every ounce of attention on no one but her suddenly. "It's definitely one-of-a-kind."

•  ໒꒱ . CHUSEOK # 2024 、

lili wakes in a bed not her own on september seventeen.

the middle of the week, from below, seoul had become a ghost town; veteraned city dwellers crawling back to their hometowns for the three-day holiday. from where she woke, lili lays in bed, still stuffed in her pajamas and the lush terry-cloth robe afforded by the hotel.

it takes her a moment to react, still trying to figure out how and why she was anywhere but her bed in the dormitory or her bed in her apartment in cheongdam then she remembers and kind of wishes she doesn’t. pulling the covers over her head when she hears the notable knock on the door, the sign of the room service she had requested the night before when she had been left on her own by the end of the day.

ramming her feet into the pair of slippers at the end of the bed, she makes to the door — still not ready to start the day but it was now or never.

and well, lili was never one to dwell on spilled milk, anyways.

( even if the traces of such a thing were still found having run dry on her cheeks )

having promised her september sixteen for her time, lili still could not believe it. it was unheard of, yes, and lili, quite frankly, hadn’t expected her grandmother to be so proactive in scheduling for her time and yet, lili could not help but be excited. 

expected to spend the day, arriving to seoul that very afternoon, they had booked a quiet lunch at a hotel in myeongdong. it had been months since she last saw her grandmother, was it last year that she had seen her last? it had been that long.

with a laundry list of grievances, lili puts it behind her, puts her best ( read: newest ) dress on and rides to myeongdong with a smile that could not be contained. even the driver, who’s known lili since she had arrived in seoul, finds it questionable but doesn’t press her for it, lest it loses its shine from the most minor intrusion.

arriving on time — consideredlate in her grandmother’s book — she rides to the top floor, all the nerves and anguish bundled in her tiny fist as she clutches her fendi to her chest and steps, head held high, towards the hostess.

the expected, “your party has already arrived, follow me.” makes lili’s insides twist but her smile doesn’t fall; keeping in time with the woman as she follows behind to a pair of doors centered at the back of the restaurant, it’s patrons littered to a select few due to the nature of the holiday.

when the other makes a move to open the doors, lili stops her, thanking her for her guidance only for lili to take a hand to the knob herself. she needed the moment to be alone, she needed the breath that she had been holding in ever since she had stepped off the lift.

with a brief one, two — inhale, exhale — she pulls the door away from its hinges, stepping into the room.

and her guise falls.

her expectations have run dry and to no one’s surprise, her smile finally loses its luster.

“so, where is she?” she asks, taking her seat across from one of her grandmother’s lesser-of-importance assistants. one who probably knew korean and wouldn’t have minded the mini-vacation, the one that she had been granted after she took care of the errand her grandmother had sent her on.

the errand?

breaking the news to her beloved granddaughter.

“beijing. they’re awarding her for her work in the eco-development of ….” that’s when lili tunes her out, feeling the grip on her fist loosen as her eyes lose sight of the person in front of her and all she wants to do — all she really can do is wait there until the woman finishes whatever she was ordered to do.

“the chairwoman paid for your stay at the hotel, if you’d like to eat we can also order a meal.”

that’s when lili stands, fingers now digging into the beads of her bag. “no, let’s go to the room, i’ve suddenly lost my appetite.”

she watched the assistant round the table and knew the other was counting her blessings; out of all the things lili could do, she was lucky to have found a day lili was too tired to try.

making someone’s life hell could be saved for another day, lili was too busy trying to pick up the pieces of her pride.

they ride down to a different level and lili follows her down the winding hallway to a suite on the far side of the floor. 

a hand waves the key card to its function and the click of the door has it open before lili can slip from her daze.

“would you like me to —”

“actually,” she cuts in, then, hand on the door to stop the other from entering. “i’d like to be alone. please wish my grandmother a happy 中秋节 for me.”

she had the sense to know that, at least, her grandmother would check in whether the assistant had completed her job before she would ever pick up the phone to actually call lili about it — not when the fuse and all the dramatics that come with it had been lit.

leaving lili with the room key, the door closes and the first thing lili does is toss her bag to the bed, noticing the packed suitcase by the balcony door and she can’t help but laugh. the woman really had planned it all despite saying she would make time for her.

and rather than own up to her mistake of ever promising anything, she found a way around it, with a non-apology of money — the stuffed pack had barely fit in her bag — and a paid stay at a luxury hotel hotel. 

lili knew she shouldn’t have held her expectations — 

fuck, but she had already let them run away with her before she could help it, she thinks, sinking herself into the comfort of a warm duvet and the low-lit chandelier. feeling the depths of the silence render her emotional. 

had the quiet ever felt so lonely as it did today? 

she tells herself she’ll allow herself the tears. she’s granted it this one time and after that, she’ll never think of it again for the rest of the year.

what lili doesn’t consider is the way the tears come and never stop.