A Friend Once Said “the Ground Is Shifting Under Her”

and so we stand, 2 lovers on opposite side of a great river without a clue on how to cross but unable to walk away maybe eventually we will find a way

I have a different fear

It’s the fear that if this love dies, I won’t find another love, I won’t grow to be very comfortable in a new love, can this new love be trusted?

I am afraid of new love

Do I exist

Like I know I am here

I feel my body, I see everything around me

I smell smells

I hear things

I feel feels, I love and I am loved

But sometimes it doesn’t feel real

It’s hard to call it dissonance

But I feel untethered from time to time

Like most times I am not here

But the real me fights through the haze and I am me

In that moment

But that makes all the other moment not feel real

Okay it doesn’t sound coherent

Maybe it’s not

Maybe that’s the whole point

You can say "I am struggling to do [x thing] because of my disability" and neurotypicals + able-bodied people will come up with any reason ever why it isn't actually your disability causing you to struggle and is actually a personal moral failing.

There are signs

That the tide is about to turn

That new things are coming

That there is a reward on the horizon

There are signs

That you are going to be okay

That this overwhelm you feel will pass

That you can handle it 

There are signs

That the universe smiles warmly on you

That your journey is beautiful

That it will all work out for you

There are signs

I have been lying to myself secretly and now I’m not sure how to move forward

What part of myself likes to ignore reality, what part of myself likes to warp reality, what part of me doesn’t understand reality

It’s like I live in a day dream and the rude awakening’s become increasingly ungracious

Why is it so hard to face reality, to speak my mind, to be brutally honest to myself, why is it so hard.

Maybe it’s the fear, that causes the trembling and the aversion

Maybe I need to become friends with my fear

Monday

Monday feels different these days, not anxious about the work I am doing or not wanting to do the work, I am doing.

I love what I do, I am happy I get to do this, but it also has its drawbacks, like, when will I get my invoices paid, will I find another opportunity to keep me fed and kept?

And so the anxiety is now about surviving, not the work and in some ways it feels like such a vicious cycle