Joonsdiiimple - (bon)anne

Me: I've done this before, of course I can exist without eating chametz !!

Me the second day of pesach, craving a cookie:

Losing my M I N D

Hey, I hope y'all been doing okay.

It's been a while since I wrote something, like¿¿ 1-2 months¿¿ I don't know, but the last time I wrote was the day ¿43? Of quarantine, and now is day 91.

I'm going to start writing because i'm sleepy and I have class today.

School

Pls end my suffering.

I don't fucking know ANYTHING about my grades, I could have failed everything without knowing.

Some teachers are asking for exercises I couldn't send, but they don't say WHAT sPECIFIC EXERCISEEEEEE. THEY JUST NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE EXERCISE, HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?

Science is the worst, the teacher just can't realize that we have another 6 classes, not just science?????

I had a breakdown on monday, because one of my answers in spanish was wrong, and later the science teacher said my work was incomplete because I didn't add A FUCKING PERSONAL COMMENT I DIDN'T REMEMBER, FUCK.

Like, when I say it, it doesn't sounds so bad when I say it, but look, I spent my whole day doing my homeworks, I can't take a "it's not good enough" as something because i'll start crying.

I can't feel enough.

Now that we're talking about school, do you remember the last time I said I wanted to change school and that I was anxious about it??

My mum got me an opportunity in a girl's school, and I was so happy about it. Until I had to tell my dad.

He said no.

Because it doesn't have sense to change school if at the end of the year i'm gonna get expelled as always. I got expelled in 5th grade, in 6th grade I had to repeat, and leave. I was so sad to focus on my studies, I lost on purpouse and when I tried to win it wasn't enough. And it looks like he's the only one who can't just forget about it.

He said that I was doing okay in this school, and that shows how an uninterested parent he is. 'Cause in the last months I had 8384648373 breakdowns, my grades went down and I got that fucking insufficient in attitudes, please get me out of here.

The Guinea pig situation.

The last month I got O B S S E S E D with the hamsters, and I wanted one, but the only option I had was to get a guinea pig, so I started to investigate about them. I'm in love with the Guinea pigs. My mum was okay with getting me some, I just had to take care of them.

And here is when my dad enters to do NOTHING 'CAUSE HE SAID NO😎👌

He said no because "Guinea pigs make holes"?????? And because "they have a lot of babies" I even explained to him that they were gonna be inside my bedroom, and that I was gonna get two girls.

But he said "my word is the one that matters and is NO".

So I don't have a Guinea pig.

I told my girlfriend and she said "it's okay, calm down, it doesn't matter, is something that you want, not something you need".

I felt so bad, if they knew how much time I spent investigating just because I wanted them.

I want something to take care of, I want to feel needed, I want to feel useful, and I thought maybe an animal can fill that, it sounds selfish, but I feel so bad, I really wanted them. but nobody cares, as always.

Well, that's all i have to say now, have a good night/day/afternoon.

Day 91: june 12

Me: -eat something-

My ed: That had like 10 calories

Me: So?

My ed: yoU aRe gOnnA bE FAT

Me:

Me: -Eats 53 calories more than 400-

My ed: bITCH WTF YOU'RE DOING, THAT IS GONNA AFFECT YOUR WEIGHT LATER, thAT'S WHY YOU STILL IN THAT WEIGHT

Me:

Worst part of trauma after abusive relationships is that you never see relationships the same way again. Never. Ever. Again.

The way i communicate with somebody i love or i like is different. It is never direct on what i'm supposed to ask for. And always scared of a bad reaction. I'm terrified of people i love. People who haven't done anything but treat me right.

I feel numb, i can only feel the way my rib cage moves when i breath. I don't know, i dont feel like doing anything at all

If I'm happy i don't wanna take my meds because "i feel normal again", if I'm sad I don't wanna take them because "what's the point". Then i get even crazier and think "I'm not ill, why should i!!!!"

Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma