Losing My M I N D
Losing my M I N D
Hey, I hope y'all been doing okay.
It's been a while since I wrote something, like¿¿ 1-2 months¿¿ I don't know, but the last time I wrote was the day ¿43? Of quarantine, and now is day 91.
I'm going to start writing because i'm sleepy and I have class today.
School
Pls end my suffering.
I don't fucking know ANYTHING about my grades, I could have failed everything without knowing.
Some teachers are asking for exercises I couldn't send, but they don't say WHAT sPECIFIC EXERCISEEEEEE. THEY JUST NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE EXERCISE, HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?
Science is the worst, the teacher just can't realize that we have another 6 classes, not just science?????
I had a breakdown on monday, because one of my answers in spanish was wrong, and later the science teacher said my work was incomplete because I didn't add A FUCKING PERSONAL COMMENT I DIDN'T REMEMBER, FUCK.
Like, when I say it, it doesn't sounds so bad when I say it, but look, I spent my whole day doing my homeworks, I can't take a "it's not good enough" as something because i'll start crying.
I can't feel enough.
Now that we're talking about school, do you remember the last time I said I wanted to change school and that I was anxious about it??
My mum got me an opportunity in a girl's school, and I was so happy about it. Until I had to tell my dad.
He said no.
Because it doesn't have sense to change school if at the end of the year i'm gonna get expelled as always. I got expelled in 5th grade, in 6th grade I had to repeat, and leave. I was so sad to focus on my studies, I lost on purpouse and when I tried to win it wasn't enough. And it looks like he's the only one who can't just forget about it.
He said that I was doing okay in this school, and that shows how an uninterested parent he is. 'Cause in the last months I had 8384648373 breakdowns, my grades went down and I got that fucking insufficient in attitudes, please get me out of here.
The Guinea pig situation.
The last month I got O B S S E S E D with the hamsters, and I wanted one, but the only option I had was to get a guinea pig, so I started to investigate about them. I'm in love with the Guinea pigs. My mum was okay with getting me some, I just had to take care of them.
And here is when my dad enters to do NOTHING 'CAUSE HE SAID NO😎👌
He said no because "Guinea pigs make holes"?????? And because "they have a lot of babies" I even explained to him that they were gonna be inside my bedroom, and that I was gonna get two girls.
But he said "my word is the one that matters and is NO".
So I don't have a Guinea pig.
I told my girlfriend and she said "it's okay, calm down, it doesn't matter, is something that you want, not something you need".
I felt so bad, if they knew how much time I spent investigating just because I wanted them.
I want something to take care of, I want to feel needed, I want to feel useful, and I thought maybe an animal can fill that, it sounds selfish, but I feel so bad, I really wanted them. but nobody cares, as always.
Well, that's all i have to say now, have a good night/day/afternoon.
Day 91: june 12
More Posts from Joonsdiiimple and Others
I wanna see blood in my arms so bad, or overdose on acetaminophen again, it wanna feel something different to just being empty
whoops, i've been told that "it is not abuse 'cause is for your own good", the harm my parents did to me for my own good turned me in a traumatized child, with fear. Nobody who was physically abused as a child turned out okay.
being spanked is abuse
being slapped is abuse
being physically harmed or hit in any way by a person in power over you is abuse
being intimidated and terrified into thinking that they’ll hit you is abuse
being forced into state where you flinch when their tone of voice changes is abuse
being sure that you’re dead when they lift their hand is heavy psychological abuse
being hit with your own hand is abuse (abuser forcing your hand to strike your body)
feeling like you have to keep a happy face and pretend that everything is okay is abuse
feeling like you haven’t been hit enough and like you deserve more is abuse
having a person with power want to cause physical harm to when you have no way to defend yourself is abuse
controlling your reactions is abuse
demanding a different reaction after physical harm is abuse
demanding no fear, no anger, no bitterness, no symptoms after being hit is abuse
forbidding expression of pain and fear and anger is abuse
subtly letting you know that you can’t tell anyone about what they did is abuse and silencing technique
shaming you for hitting you is abuse
demanding that it’s your fault if you get traumatized by physical harm is abuse
claiming that it’s you who is violent if you resist or try to escape or fight back is abuse
if any of this was done to you: you have been abused
if this was done to you and you don’t think it was harmful: you are wrong
if you dare to comment “i was hit and i turned out okay”: nobody who thinks any of this is alright to do to a child has turned out okay
Who would've thought ?!?!? Exercising actually helps with my anxiety !!! As it has always done. I missed exercising so much
Now time to study once again
We were two hours on call, after days without one because of me studying. She's so sweet, and I'm so grateful because she helped me learn all those vitamin's names. She's the best.
uwu
tryna find new ed friends/followers- repost if…
you are 14+
you have an ed of any kind
you vape/smoke
you need to get back on track
you enjoy music (perhaps specifically rap, alternative punk, glam rock, etc)
you need a little help staying on track
you need a motivating friend
your cw is less than 160
willing to text outside of tumblr*
even better, if you are atleast three of these, pleeeeeease message me. i’d love to find new people and im typically really good at responding fast and helping others, especially if it’s out of tumblr*.
I wanna go cause i wanna hangout with my girlfriend and see my best friend. But at the same timeeeee, i don't wanna see my abusive ex. I know she's gonna be on her stand selling her products, but i don't wanna see her. I'm avoiding an episode and that's responsability ((i guess)) ☝🏻
How far does the privilege of being an adult gets you when you're both a girl and living with your parents?
mutuals feel free to kick my ass
oh babe.. u really thought u ate huh? that lil comment of yours reads like someone who's one skipped dose away from a public meltdown. "girl u can't even stand without feeling dizzy" coming from the human embodiment of a pill dispenser? ur brain's not wired, it's waterlogged.
'super lesbian' is such a serve in ur head i’m sure.. meanwhile the community's watching u like ur a walking cautionary tale. u don't look empowered. u look like a walking twitter thread on why queer ppl get side-eyed.
'in recovery'.. how inspiring. look at u.. doing the absolute bare minimum not to implode. slow clap. maybe if u stopped broadcasting ur fragility like it's a brand u'd get a sliver of respect. but nah, u cling to the wreckage like it’s all u have.
go ahead, post another paragraph pretending ur some domme deity while shaking in ur boots every time someone looks at u wrong. ur not intimidating. ur a wet paper bag of trauma and attention issues, held together by expired coping mechanisms.
be honest. u want someone to call u brave for surviving ur own mess. it's boring. ur boring. try again. 🥱
At least i do eat baby, unlike you, the ED didn't mess up with my brain chemistry to be so chronically online and think you can hurt somebody just by a hate anon.
Ahora decilo a la cara, perra llena de envidia, no te vayas a atraganta conmigo en tu boca, se ve que no te cabe la porción;)
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joonsdiiimple reblogged this · 4 years ago
fast forward, now on: antipsychotics and antidepressants. hi, i use this account as a personal diary, please don't take me seriously, nor try this at home. A D U L T !! super lesbian and in recovery. sincerely yours, Anne.
153 posts