Dying Dusk (kavetham)

Kagehina - My celestial being

I hope you enjoy this! First time writing on Tumblr! Welp I write requests too so don't be afraid to drop in one! I'd love to write! Also gonna post a prompt list in some time, you can choose the prompt and character. Thanks!

Kageyama has been fond of nature ever since he was a kid. For him, it was entrancing how the moon seemed to keep up with him when no one else would, how the sun is always peeking up the horizon, or how the stars twinkle and light up the darkest nights.

Out of all these, the stars held a place in his heart nothing could replace. Why? The reason being his very beloved soulmate, Hinata.

“Tell me, Boke” Kageyama said softly, staring at the azure sky and the tiny astral bodies glimmering “Do you think people turn into stars once they die?”

“Well for one, we literally decompose or turn into ashes” Hinata’s soft chuckle soon turned into a sad and thoughtful smile as he continued, “Kags, death is not as pretty and peaceful nor is it poetic like people portray it to be, it exists, and it’s pretty much the end? It’s like having to leave everything in a moment's notice. Because it is the end, it’s sad”

He tilts his head to stare into his favourite pair of blueberry eyes, “But you know what, It’s okay to look up at the starry sky and think of your loved ones who left this world. My mom used to say that the brightest star was my grandma looking down on me.”

A few moments of silence are shared while Kageyama ponders over Hinara’s words.

He finds comfort knowing that even if someone dies, you can always look up to the sky and find them there, looking down at you and always watching you no matter what. The very fact that death does not mean gone forever is warm and consoling.

“Hinata, we’ll always be under the same sky, right? Forever and ever?” Kageyama asks, sitting up slightly extending his pinky toward the older male, cracking a small smile when their fingers interlock.

“I promise!”

Promises are not meant to be commemorative or colossal. Just a few words that has you looking forward to something is enough to become a promise

**********************************

“Today was long…. Very long and tiring” Kageyama says stretching and walking to sit down next to Hinata in the cool grass, inhaling the scent of the pine trees surrounding the house, “But I’m glad you’re here with me”

“You know I’ll always be here with you no matter what” Hinata smiles, as he rests his head against a pine tree behind him.

The black-haired boy slightly grins as he stares at the twinkling night sky littered with stars. He reaches out his hands in an attempt to pinpoint the brightest one.

“What are you doing, Kags?” His lover asks curiously with a melancholic smile on his face.

“I… I am…. I am reaching out for you” Kageyama quietly whispers as tears he’d been holding back started flowing down his face, “Hinata, I want to be there with you, set to you, laugh and play volleyball, hold you and just…. Love you for eternity but … I will forget you one day…. Right?”

The older boy nods ever so slowly, a tranquil expression on his face as he began, “That is the beauty of life isn’t it? No matter what happens, no matter how low and hard you fall, life goes on and because life goes on, you eventually heal and move on as well. That’s just how it works”

“I… I don’t want to forget you… I don’t want to move on, there’s only one thing I want and that is you. I want you to come back.” Kageyama let’s out a soft and exasperated sigh, closing his fist around the brightest star he can see.

“Kags, it’s okay, You have to move and meet new and amazing people. You have to find a new perfect spiker for you. Someone capable and worthy of your perfect sets. You have to live on because you are alive. But hey, don’t worry, I’ll always be here looking over you and protecting you. For I am your brightest star aren’t I?”

For death does not mean gone. Despite you not being alive, you live on in people you’ve met in your lifetime, the words you’ve spoken and the countless memories you’ve created.

**********************************

Kageyama rushes into his house, throwing his jacket onto the couch upon entering with a gold medal dangling around his neck. He makes his way excitedly toward the balcony of the open plant sanctuary. His heart beats with thrill as he places his hands on the railings of the balcony. He tightens his grip as he stares at the night sky.

“Say… Hinata, are you proud of me?” He lifts her gold medal and places a gentle kiss on it, “We won the olympics today. Just like I had promised you, I’d become the best setter, and set perfectly for another…. And win...” He chuckles softly continuing, “Everyone went out to celebrate except for me, you’re still the first person I share my happiness and sadness with...”

“I am so very proud of you, Kags. So much so that no amount of words could describe it.” Hinata smiles back widely, a luminous glow surrounding him under the pale moonlight. “You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been and I am eternally grateful to know you feel the same way”

“Hey… Why are you crying? Today is a happy day isn’t it? Your dream came true!” The older boy states quietly, heart aching at the sight.

“What if… What if I never move on Hinata? What if I’m stuck right here forever, searching for you? What if I can never forget you?”

“HEY! You don’t have to forget me! It’s okay to remember me and love me, and cherish all our moments together” Hinata smiles gently, “but you are already doing amazing… You get up each day and live, you’re moving on slowly but surely, Kageyama you may not realise it right now but every little step is a big step toward healing.”

And Hinata is right

Healing is not linear, it’s not sudden. You don’t wake up feeling okay one day, that’s not how it works. It’s rough and patchy and requires a lot of work. You fall down again and again, you do well on some days while the others are absolutely trashy. You want to give up but you don’t, you keep living because you are alive, because it is something you must do.

And you don’t even realise that these ordinary tasks of everyday life are a step towards growth and healing.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting the people you loved, it doesn’t mean letting go of what is no longer in your sight and control, it means life goes on and you live on.

Kageyama has been fond of nature since he was a kid because nature is warm, like a blanket of love, on cold rainy days.

And what more does anyone desire from life except for being loved and protected?

THE END

Character analysis of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind by someone who really has BPD and its correlation with 8th house in astrology:

This movie is written by someone who has themselves had BPD. This I am sure of. When I watched this movie, it was like someone took my mind and made a movie out of it. Only someone who actually suffers from BPD and has gone through a similar situationship in life can write this story. Period.

Clementine is into witchcraft. She changes her hair color because it transforms her identity like someone with moon in 8th house. Her emotions are volatile, she is quick to anger and easily irritated. She must have inherited this emotional instability from her maternal bloodline. She has intergenerational trauma and psychological instability. 

She writes a lot of letters, takes Joel to Charles river, gives him a lot of gifts and makes his life so exciting because she has idealized him. She has a mental image of a perfect boyfriend and cannot see the real person in front of her. She projects the same mental image on every boy she dates. She repeats the same thing with everyone. She must have an absent or unavailable father. She wants a caregiver who will love her unconditionally. She forces intimacy on the first date because she craves union of soul and deep connection like that of a parent and child.  

This is why Patrick goes through the exact same storyline in place of Joel because Clem idealizes every person she dates, does the exact same things with them to PLEASE them so that they will not leave her. She has intense fear of abandonment and rejection. She brings excitement to life because she fears rejection. She constantly creates drama because stability feels scary to her. This is someone with 8th house Moon.

She idealizes every man who gives her attention, does things for him to impress him and please him, repeats same letters/drawings/dancing with everyone. When some months have passed she fears engulfment and boredom. She fears that now she has exhausted her supply of excitement. She is not fun and colorful anymore. Before the guy dumps her, she will dump him. Her sense of self depends on the guy she is dating. She purposely chooses guys with low self esteem and adds excitement to their life because she wants to control them so that they cannot leave her. But then she sees their flaws after some time that the man she is dating is actually a mediocre person with low self esteem and poor character traits. She has pattern of choosing similar guys. 

Out of sight out of mind. pwBPD forget people in a snap. It is like the whole relationship never happened. This is why they did not show Clem going through the procedure because her mental illness  automatically erases the whole relationship from her mind after she is done devaluing Joel. She has not gone through the procedure. Her mental illness BPD has erased her memory. 

Idealization, rushing into relationship, projecting a perfect image of boyfriend and relationship, intensity. Then devaluation, seeing the flaws in the person, fearing abandonment. Black and white thinking, extremely defensive, a lot of arguments. She has no self concept, no self image, no self esteem.   

She mentions “I’m crawling under my skin". This is Moon in 8th house. Intense emotions, so deep and so strong that you feel like you will explode. I have suffered with this my entire life until diagnosis.

She is promiscuous and has sex with every man because she feels like her only value is sex. She forces intimacy with men by oversharing every single embarrassing thing with them and having sex with them so that they won’t leave her. She wants security and stability in her life. Which is why when Joel says “my life is not that interesting. I go to work come home", she licks her lips because she wants this stability, consistency, pillar of strength in her life to hold her through the storm and chaos in her life. She tells him that when she was young she wanted to transform her girl doll so that it would magically transform her and then she says “never leave me". She has no self image. She is intentionally creating intimacy and self pity so that Joel will feel like a caregiver. Joel feels like a man, strong, protective. She wants this rock figure in her life. Clem has an endless pit of emotional needs that no man ever can satisfy.    

Notice how Joel says “I met this girl Clementine, she is amazing”, “I thought you were nuts but you were exciting", “I love you", “How cool I am attracted to someone’s back”, “and then you just took it without waiting for an answer. It was like we were already lovers", "you are lucky you have Clementice. She is cool". These are not the words of Joel. I repeat. These are not the words of Joel. Clementine is doing maladaptive daydreaming. She has MDD disorder. She is thinking these words about herself from Joel's POV because she can only see herself in relation to someone else. She has no self identity at all. She feels invisible, like a void unless she is being seen by someone else like an audience. Clem is thinking these things about herself in her daydream. She wants to be praised. She wants to be seen and appreciated.

This whole movie might just be her Maladaptive Daydreaming episode. Perhaps this whole movie is just an MDD thing. This is why they add science to it because Clem is daydreaming the whole movie and making things up. MDD coexists with BPD. The person cannot distinguish between real life and fantasy. They are so engrossed in it. They repeat the same scene until perfection. They especially repeat the “good" scenes many times because it gives them kick and rush.

Notice how the same scene is repeated many times in the end? This is because Clementine is doing maladaptive daydreaming. A maladaptive daydreamer repeats the same story in her head 100 times again and again like mad. It gives her dopamine. This is a compulsion. She is addicted to it. The “science" involved in this movie is not real. Clem is daydreaming everything and making things up.  

Clem also has a drinking problem.

This whole movie is a MDD episode of a person with BPD. I have daydreamed similar love stories in my head throughout my childhood, teenage and early 20s and then I went through a similar situationship. Then I was diagnosed with BPD. After which I found out I am gifted in astrology, occult. I have calmed down now and have done deep soul searching and have a self concept. I have treated my BPD to a large extent.  

Notice how every guy in the movie has had some relationship with Clementine? Clem idealizes men. She is daydreaming that all these men desire her, want her, everybody loves her, she is so cool and different. She wants to be loved and fucked by every man because they gives her security, validation, safety, self confidence.

Notice how Joel is already in relationship with Naomi? The other girl in the movie who is receptionist is in love with Howard who is married? This proves that not only Clem but even the receptionist also has BPD. Girls with BPD are intensely attracted to committed men because it gives them a sense of stability, caregiver, protection, father figure, rock figure. When I was 5 or so, I used to fancy marrying/dating men who were 50+

Notice how Clem and Joel are near the sea and Clem is jumping like a child while Joel walks beside her like a father figure? This is a fantasy in Clem's mind. She sees herself as a little girl. She has not grown up. This is why she is so exciting because she is literally a child mentally. This is why they also show them going to Joel's childhood because both of them are stuck in their childhood trauma and never grew up past it. Childhood traumas are signs of 8th house. Both of them are doing shadow work. They hate each other by the end of relationship because this is a karmic relationship to reveal their shadows to them.

When these people erase Joel's memory, Clem is daydreaming it all happening. Notice how the receptionist girl only talks about Howard? Because she is obsessed with him. She also has BPD. But she flirts and has sex with this computer guy because she wants validation, attention but she idealized Howard in her mind. While Howard has a messed up married life, she cannot see that because she only thinks in all perfect/all bad worldview.

Clem has an emotional meltdown where she feels like her skin is coming off and she is getting old. Nothing makes any sense. She cannot distinguish between feelings and facts.

Clem gets offended whenever Joel says something against her. She gets extremely defensive and insults him. She fears rejection and criticism. She also makes double braids because she is a child emotionally. She is impulsive and takes decision without thinking anything.

I can go on and on. But this is it for now.

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All of the "Pro-lifers" that are celebrating right now I sincerely hope you or your daughters never have a Miscarriage that they cannot naturally pass, because a D&C is an abortion.

I hope you don't have a ectopic pregnancy, because the procedure that will save your life is an abortion.

I hope you don't have a still born baby that your body can't naturally pass because that induction is an abortion.

I hope you are never in a place where carrying a baby full term would mean your death (as mine would, my doctor looked me in the eyes and told me if I get pregnant again I WILL NOT MAKE IT, and fuck you all because my kids need a mom more than they need a sibling.)

I hope you don't find out your baby has a condition that will mean being alive for how ever long will cause them excruciating pain, that you don't have to birth your baby and watch them die a horrific, painful death in your arms.

I hope you aren't raped and forced to carry that baby to term no matter the detriment to your mental/physical health.

I hope you aren't forced to give birth to your abusers child, giving you no way out of the relationship.

I hope your 10 year old is never assaulted and have to carry a baby to term that will almost definitely will kill her.

I hope that you don't go to jail when they investigate your miscarriage and determine that something you did made it YOUR FAULT.

I hope you realize you and your daughters will die from laws you created.

I hope you realize the consequences of your actions because you may have to suffer through them.

31-03-22

I have my class farewell party today and I'm supposed to recite a poem. I'm so damn nervous ;_;

Wish me luck or soemthing _;;_;_;_;_;;_

(p.s. why don't most indian schools have prom nights? Not like anybody would accept my promposal but still... :') )

Posting my first Kagehina fic in a few mins!!!!

Banana Fish Wallpapers 😭💛

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