Shoutout To Me In 5 Years. I Bet She’s Doing Amazing And I Am Rooting For Her.

27 September 2021

Hey ya’ll.

It’s been a while (over a month to be exact). Sorry for the really inconsistent posting. Everytime I feel like I finally have it together again, something else happens or gets in the way. That’s life, I guess...

Anyway...I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this past week. This post is going to be another one of me ranting/rambling, so feel free to scroll on (or read on).

I really want to get back into my fitness routine again. I’ve been feeling so sluggish, lately. I know that’s partly because I have not done a lot of physical activity since the last time I posted. The most I move around is when I’m on campus for class, which still counts for something, given how awful I have been feeling, but still...I know can do better. Though, I also know it’s important to not put so much pressure on yourself, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. 

I’m just really tired of always feeling this way...always feeling like I’m not good enough and that all my problems would be solved if I finally just lost the stupid weight already...but I have to remind myself that, even when I was thinner, life was not necessarily made any easier. My self-worth should not be so closely tied to my clothing size...

Last week, I made the decision to start focusing on myself. I deleted some contacts (and blocked some others). I decorated my room, which I’ve been wanting to do for the past year now. I caught up on my school work. I hung out with one of my best friends (we got Thai food and talked for hours). 

I even made a whole “glow up” plan for myself. However, when I say glow up, I don’t mean just my appearance. 

I want to glow up as a person in general. I want to be content with myself and be content with being alone. I want to connect more with myself more. I want to take myself on dates. I want to be more consistent with my spirituality. I want to meditate more and pray more. I want to start and end every day with reciting affirmations. I want to start writing in my journal again. I want to stop comparing myself to other people. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to validate myself without needing other people to do so for me. I want to do things I’ve always been afraid of doing because of posssible judgement (e.g. pierce my nose, get a tattoo (or several), change my hair, etc). I want to feel good about myself. I want to stop feeling like there is something wrong with me everytime a guy I fall for treats me horribly, leads me on, leaves me for someone else, or, simply, changes their mind about me. I want to stop always feeling like everything is my fault and that I don’t deserve to be happy. I want to do all of these things and more. 

I’m going to do all of these things and more.

I have, honestly, lost myself. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment this started, but, over the past few years, I have really lost myself...

Here’s to finding her again.

It's dangerous to go alone, take this.

Healing potions ✨

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i cannot stress enough how much of an impact changing the way you talk to yourself can have on your mental health. swapping out self deprecating jokes and changing unhealthy sentiments like "i hate myself" and "i want to die" to kinder, more forgiving ones like "i need a break" and "i'm trying" can make such a difference to how you view yourself. the things we say to ourselves become a part of our lives and so we deserve to me kinder to ourselves in our heads.

Questions for Ada, Ijeoma Umebinyuo