Reflecting On 2021
Reflecting on 2021
Hey Ya’ll,
Not gonna lie...I am so happy that 2021 is over. Apart from the pandemic, there was a bunch of other stuff that happened in my personal life that I wish didn’t. I know I’m, definitely, not the only person who, unfortunately, relates to this. These past few years have reinforced the fact that we can’t control every single event that happens in our lives. The most we can do is the best we can to get by.
I shed a lot of (unhappy) tears during 2021. I got my heart broken multiple times. I compared myself and my life a lot to my peers. I, often, felt as if I was living in a different timeline than some people. While I was watching other people reaching all of these incredible milestones (e.g., getting a new job, being promoted, becoming homeowners, finding romantic partners, getting engaged, etc.) I, constantly, felt like I was just stuck. My mental health deteriorated. I neglected and lost myself. I felt like a complete loser in comparison to my peers. I also felt very jealous and, at times, bitter. I really longed for something incredible to happen to me as well. But, it just felt like one let down after another. The worst part is, I barely had time to breathe before the next negative thing happened. I was a wreck, basically...and not a lot of the people in my life even knew this. The ones who did were only aware of what I told them. I, often, left out details from my venting sessions because I was afraid it would be too much and they wouldn’t understand. So, they did not know the full extent of what I was experiencing.
This past week, I have been doing some reflecting on the past year as a whole. I, ultimately, decided that I never want to feel the way I felt last year ever again. That was the lowest I have ever been and just the thought of ever getting to that point again makes me nauseous.
Last night, I spent some time creating a vision board of how I want my 2022 to look like. I have never made a vision board before, but I have made new year’s resolutions in the past. Though...I have yet to actually accomplish any of the resolutions I have set during my 25 years on this earth thus far. Since I’m more of a visual person, I figured that a vision board would be an effective way to supplement my new year’s resolutions/goals/intentions (whatever you prefer to call them) for this year. I ended up creating mine on Canva. I then saved the document as a JPEG file and made the image my desktop wallpaper. That way, every time I open my computer to do homework, send emails, watch Netflix, etc, I am reminded of everything I want to accomplish for myself.
I know that there are a lot of changes I’m going to have to make in order to stay consistent with my goals this year. I’m fully prepared to make them. I’m not sure what it is, but I really have a feeling that this year is going to be different. And no, I’m not jinxing myself by saying that. I’m setting my intention for the life I want this year and putting it out into the universe to help manifest this. I know intention is not enough, but it is an important step in my pursuit of having a much better year in comparison to 2021 and having the best year I’ve had in a long time.
So, with that...here’s to a (for the most part) fresh start. I’m wishing a thriving year filled with many positive experiences and less tears for all of us. If your 2021 was actually a a positive year, then I wish you another positive year. I think we all deserve more happiness and less negativity, trauma and tragedy.
Though, as I stated previously, you can’t control every single event that occurs in your life. So, additionally, I want to reiterate the following; do the best you can to get by. Even if it’s just waking up and getting out of bed, that is enough. You are always enough.
I’m really looking forward to how this year progresses for all of us. If you have also set any goals/intentions for yourself, I hope you accomplish them.
Stay safe friends :)
More Posts from From-winded-to-wellness and Others
I want to be someone’s favorite person.
I want to be loved unconditionally.
I want to stop feeling like I’m too much.
I want to stop feeling like I’m never enough.
I want to stop always being the person who never has anybody.
I’m tired of always feeling forgotten.
I’m tired of feeling sad.
I’m tired of feeling bitter.
I’m tired of always feeling like I don’t deserve love.
I’m tired of constantly feeling abandoned by the universe.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’ve had enough lessons.
I’ve had enough of sitting on the bench.
I’ve had enough of things never working out for me.
I’ve had enough of one-sided bullshit.
When the fuck is it going to be my turn?
September will be filled with happiness.
September will be filled with blessings.
September will be filled with positivity.
September will be filled with progress.
September will be filled with kindness.
September will be filled with opportunity.
September will be filled with love.
I know this post isn’t going to go with the usual vibe I want for my blog, but I don’t have anywhere else to say this. So my apologies if it’s a bit of a downer. Just keep scrolling. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming later. This is mostly for me. But anyway…
I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately.
I can’t talk about these feelings with anyone anymore. It’s pointless. I’ve realized that people just don’t want to hear it. Which I totally understand. If you’re experiencing all of these happy milestones (career, love, health, family, etc), the last thing you’d probably want to listen to is an unhappy person who is struggling with the very things you’re thriving in. It probably brings you down. But I really don’t have anyone left at this point to talk to and who would understand. I’m so fucking unhappy. And I feel so fucking unloveable.
I know I’m not a terrible person but sometimes it feels like I am. Otherwise, why is my life like this?
Maybe it’s karma from a previous life that I don’t even remember. Maybe I, unknowingly, crossed a voodoo witch or something. I don’t really know. All I know is, I really want this feeling to go away.
No amount of therapy, self love, going outside and “touching grass,” etc seems to help. I feel like such a shell of a human being right now. I’m so tired and lost.
For any mutuals who see this, if you’ve ever felt this way, has it gotten better? What helped you? Because despite doing everything you’re “supposed to,” I don’t feel any better and things haven’t changed at all for me.
Some days I fear things will never get better for me.
I keep holding onto hope but it’s hard.
It’s even harder when you have to go through something like this alone, because you don’t want to bother anyone anymore.
That’s all I guess…
Until later.
14 July 2021 (Long post ahead. TBH this is mostly for myself, but feel free to read if you want to.)
So...it’s been over a month since I started taking my fitness and health journey a little more seriously. I was on top of it for 3 weeks, but idk...After the 30th of June (which is the last time I stepped foot in the gym), I completely lost the motivation to keep working out. I haven’t even been going on walks either, which was something I started to look forward to and enjoy. Granted, the walk thing could be attributed to the weather. It’s gotten so hot that even at 5am, it’s already 95 degrees or higher. However, with the gym thing?...I’m really disappointed in myself. On top of that, my diet has been awful this week.
My body image has been beyond terrible. Monday was the worst I have felt about myself in a while. Even though I was hanging out with one of my lovely best friends, all I could think about was how my body looked in the dress I was wearing and if people were judging my appearance. I ended up wearing a jacket over the whole thing because I was so self-conscious.
Today, I’ve started to get back on track. The first thing I did this morning was meditate and repeat some of the many affirmations I have written down for myself. I have been lacking in keeping up with this and I plan to be more consistent in the near future. On top of this health and fitness journey, I’ve also been on a spiritual journey, which has also had a lot of ups and downs this past year and is a whole other thing that I will not get into today lol
I also ran some errands that I have been procrasting on doing. I had a salad for lunch (go me lol). I cleaned out my fridge, which I needed to do because I have not been home for a while and a majority of the items in there were expired. Now all is left is to go grocery shopping, which I plan to do tomorrow morning. I’m planning to put my dusty crockpot to use (if the food I make turns out good, I’ll share a picture of it).
Sorry for the long post. Again, this was mostly for me. I really want this blog to be a realistic place I feel free to share my journey, both the positive and negative.
This week was more on the negative side, but that’s okay. Tomorrow is another day :)
My dream self is me. I am her. I can only go up from here and I am the top priority for life. No matter what I will strive to be fulfilled within.
Sola (she/her) | 29 | A journey of fitness and self love.
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