Eleventofour - Y/n

i hate falling in love. i hate falling in love. i hate falling.

i hate caring so much about someone. i hate having someone constantly running in my mind, distracting me of all my other needs.

i hate crying when i realize that i have put my guard down for someone. i hate seeing my reflection, thinking that i have disgraced myself. how can i let my body feel funny for a person?

i hate knowing that i have feelings for my other half. i hate realizing how i seem in front of others. i hate being aware of my own faults.

i hate that i will never be with that person. i hate that i won't ever make progress with that person, even until our last meeting.

i hate that i don't know who he really is. i hate that i've done nothing about this tragedy. i hate that i like him.

Honestly, I sometimes contemplate on my actions to an unnecessary point.

What if I never said 'yes'? Maybe I should've just waited longer.

It's normal, though. Everyone does that. They, too, want to end the pain by drowning in their own blood rather than in guilt. They'll feel like the most miserable person in the whole world and regret it the next day. They were just caught up in the moment.

They'll regret throwing away old things, cutting their wrists open, macrodosing those pills, chugging down that bottle of bitterness that taste sweeter than their suffering.

They'll only end up as addicts. Adding up to their pain with every pill they take, with every slit from that cutter, and with every drop of body fluids they excrete in whatever way.

I am merely another one of them. I am not in any way better or worse. I am just another number in the statistics.

every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

donating my body to science so my corpse can be the cadaver that awakens a deeper understanding of lust and death in a second year med student

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we are so back (relapsing)

:/

i want to be loved in the same amount that i love.