Eleventofour - Y/n

It's not that I didn't like you back, it's just that I couldn't.

Being the only child, I had and still have a lot of pressure on my back. I have to prove myself worthy to be an heir, and I have to get a beautiful wife to start a family with. It's never easy.

I always felt your stare when you pass by me in the hallway. At first, I didn't mind it. Not to be cocky, but as the son of a big shot, stares at me were never a strange thing. But yours was different.

Others looked down and underestimated me because of my privilege, but you didn't. Even the people that liked me didn't have their eyes sparkle like that. As if containing a thousand stars, you looked at me like I was a walking fine jade, eyes gleaming and all that.

I was always waiting for you to make a move on me, even though it's pointless now that we've parted ways. I didn't care if we couldn't work together romantically, all I wanted was for you to finally gather up the courage to confess.

After a while, I started feeling weird about myself.

Why talk so highly of him if he's just a nobody? Am I sure I'm not becoming like him? Am I becoming a secret admirer too?

Of course I couldn't admit to that. My family trusted me to continue the lineage. How could I just ditch them for someone I barely know?

I never knew your name or what class you're from. All I know was that you had a black sling bag with a small smiley face pin on the strap. I know that you liked to drink bottled iced coffee, and I know that you always bought egg custard buns on Thursdays.

Seeing you happy when you get fresh buns or sad when you didn't get any, it made me giggle once in a while. There are many times that I want to give you the snacks that got sold out, but I could only look at you, and nothing more.

If we ever meet again, I'll make sure that you look at me like that again. No matter how long it takes, I won't be a coward and finally give you the attention that you deserve.

Thank you for lighting up my days of youth, dear stranger.

Wouldn't it be much better if we just break up?

A very coward move, I know. I'm a bastard of a lover and you're just another unseeming person wanting to feel loved.

It's not like you're perfect, and it's not like I'm the single most horrible person on the planet.

I guess we're too different. Opposites may attract but not all opposing traits blend well. It doesn't become whole or complete, it clashes into a mess.

But maybe not everything needs so become one. It can coexist together without bleeding into each other.

Like us. We're attracted to each other, but we might not blend well. We can still be by each other's side either way, just, not as one.

Alike water and oil, mustard yellow and beige, also you and I.

i want to be loved in the same amount that i love.

i feel like someone dead pretending to be alive

we don't make enough fun of Batman for not being a vampire. seriously this guy:

nightwalker, lurks in the shadows

goes flying through the city at night hunting down his quarry

romps around in a dramatic ass cape

lives in a gothic manor that is definitely haunted (by the narrative, the ghosts of the past, etcetera)

served by a single devoted familiar servant who seems to share some portion of his strange powers

has multiple fledglings proteges he recruits and trains to share his dark powers

the source of great, often contradictory lore (conflicting reports on his powers/weaknesses/backstory, varies by canon)

unaging (his publication history spans how many decades?)

clearly has some sort of arcane powers superhuman abilities, despite making a huge effort to pass as a Normal Human Guy

autistic bisexual

notice i didn't even mention the whole BAT themed everything. and we're expected to believe this character is NOT a vampire? i'm being baited.

self harming by trying to make your symptoms worse on purpose

House Significations

1st House: Head/ face/ physical body, eyes and smile. Our identity. Others perception of us. Our birth. Birth marks/ moles and scars. Character. Perspective/ outlook. Beginnings. Ego

2nd House: Throat/ neck/ voice. Resources and personal values. Physical possessions. Self-esteem. Money/ income. Security. Cultivation. Substance

3rd House: Arms/ shoulders and hands. Communication style. Primary school. Reading/ writing. Intellect. Siblings and cousins. Immediate communities. Transportation

4th House: Chest/ breasts/ stomach. Family/ ancestors. Roots/ traditions. Private life. Home. Domesticity. Mother/ care taker. Foundations. Heritage. Comfort/ relaxation

5th House: Heart/ Spine/ Solar Plexus. Pleasure. Creativity. Romance. Children/ first born child. Self-expression. Humor. Leisure/ entertainment

6th House: Digestive system/ intestines: Healthcare/ wellness. Daily routines. Known enemies. Employment/ skills. Coworkers. Consistency. Strength/ courage

7th House: Urinary tract/ kidneys/ bladder. 1-on-1 relationships. Business partners. Marriage partners. Contracts/ commitments. Compromise. People/ things we attract and are attracted to

8th House: Reproductive system/ genitals/ anus. Secrets/ lies. Death. Judgement. Transformation. Debts/ taxes. Shared resources. Conscious fears. Instincts/ intuition. Occultism

9th House: Hips/ thighs/ liver. Ideology/ philosophy. Long distance travels. Expansion/ exploration. Knowledge. Spirituality. Foreign affairs. Belief systems. Culture

10th House: Bones/ skeleton/ teeth/ skin. Reputation. Public image. Occupation. Focus/ ambition/ motivation. Professional self. Government. Authority. Father figure

11th House: Circulatory system/ veins/ calves/ ankles. Group efforts/ charity. Friendship. Gifts/ help from others. Innovation. Technology. Social work. Wistfulness. Acquaintances

12th House: Feet/ lymph nodes. Institutions. Unconsciousness. Nightmares/ dreams. Psychic abilities. Karma. Self-undoing. Fears. Privacy/ refuge. Peace. Forgiveness

every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

Having an ed and not even being skinny is so fuvkin embarrassing

It's just empathy. It's probably just empathy.

I see him hurting, and I feel hurt too. More specifically, I feel hurt that I had hurt him.

I wasted away the tiny bit of trust he had on me. I diminished the spark we had. I shattered the rose-tinted glasses. I wanted to become his warming sun, but ended up as the one burning him down.

No matter how many times I can say sorry, no matter how many roses I can give him, and no matter the physical favors I can present to him, it just won't be the same.

I never really ask people to forgive me. Being forgiven or not, I still made them hurt. I also hurt because of that, and I hurt even more because of the fact that I'm so selfish that I get hurt because I made other people hurt. I always make it about me.

What a horrible person I am.

I should be gone for good, but that wouldn't undo the pain and burden I had inflicted on others. I should live on in agony and suffering so that I would feel as hurt as they were.

But that would be selfish.

What if other people notice it? What if people notice that I live in constant self-hatred and self-harm that they start to get concerned? Wait, that's asking for too much.

I can't help it, I'm just another selfish being. Writing this also makes me selfish. I'm typing this like I'm the most miserable person on earth, right?