I’m So Excited To Finally Fucking Do It I Am So Excited About It I Think It May Be The Only Thing Making

I’m fucking retarded and depending on anonymous tumblr anons to reassure me not to blow my fucking head off lol I am so pathetic I actually need to overdose so fucking bad when I get medicated bupropion I’m giving myself brain damage and serotonin Syndrom and seizing out in public while I get recorded and published on a stupid gore website with the title saying “WORTHLESS RETARD TRANNY OVERDOSES BECAUSE OF COURSE IT NEEDS MEDS!!!!” Oh my fucking Godlol I’m nothing I deserve to be fucking killed and splat on the pavement im so sick of this shit I literally think I cannot be more pathetic than I already am Then I pull some of the lowest shit ever and it’s like Jesus fucking Christ. Even all the notably bad people can’t compare to how fucking filthy and rotten and disgusting I am I need to slit my wrists and bleed out in a field in the middle of Nowhere lol I want to give people my location so they can take me the fuck Out if any of you legitimately want to hire a hit man to take me out I will give you money and my address and fucking everuthing just kill me holy shit just fucking kill me

I dont want anybody to see me I don’t want to be around people I don’t want any of that I just want to be alone with no mirrors no nothing and just be by myself forever

I am so embarrassed that I made a scene and it’s honestly making all of this so much worse. I feel awful and I never want to show my face again

I’m tired of people telling me it will be okay. As if I’m some sort of martyr for going through trauma I didn’t ask for. I’m tired of it defining who I am. I am tired of complaining about it. I am tired of being told how strong I am, how I can handle it and have dealt with these things before. In that case is my life worth living knowing there will never be a set time in my life where I’m happy? Where my entire world can flip around and switch on my own brain and then I’m stuck discovering ways to kill myself for months? This is the lowest I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I can keep going lower, but yet again, I get proven wrong every time I wake up. It is sick. This shit is sick. I sincerely don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like a mirror shattering and millions of shards scatter across the ground and I am then demanded to fix it and piece it back together. There are so many cuts on my hands and the glass rests itself in there while I attempt to fix something completely unsalvageable. I am far gone, and completely incapable of saving. I have no personality, interests, hobbies, talents, looks, or anything. I don’t feel anything. I am genuinely a walking skeleton with decently working organs with no purpose other than to showcase people what you should not aspire to be. I am barely alive. Im conscious, but there is nothing there. I am yelled at and scolded inside of my own brain. There are so many unrecognizable people and unfamiliar voices in my brain telling me how bad they wish I was dead. I’ve been hearing this shit forever. I don’t know why I have not gathered the courage to do it. I’m scared because I don’t know if there’s anything after this, meaning there is genuinely no escape for me. The fact that I’ve been in deadly situations yet I’m still alive makes me feel as if this is God’s personal purgatory for me. I can’t succeed in killing myself, getting into car accidents, almost having my house destroyed, violence, or anything because God will always find a way to keep me here to torment me forever. I will lose no matter what I do. I want to die. I’m so tired of existing. Even the good things that happen to me never completely satisfy me because I’m such an ungrateful brat. I don’t even have the right to complain about most of this because I have all of my answers in front of my face yet I don’t take them. Now that’s another problem. I don’t know why I can’t push myself to do it. Is it because I’m comfortable here? I feel the opposite. I feel miserable and from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep I think about just how great it would be if I died. I have prayed to God to kill me off. I have prayed to deities to kill me while I sleep, or to kill me in any way they see fit. They’re keeping me alive to progress forward, only to rip away everything again in the future. I don’t know who to believe, to rely on, to trust, or to support. I’m so tired of needing to go through this all. I know life is hard, that life changes both negatively and positively, but it feels like I’ve been on a downward slope heading straight down to hell. I was doomed before my mother even birthed me. I will always hate her for not throwing herself down a flight of stairs to kill me. I will always hate her for not getting an abortion. I will always hate her for not strangling me in my sleep when I was a child. I will always hate her and my father for forming me into this amalgamation of a human being, if you can even call me one. I am nothing. I am complete, utter garbage compared to everyone else. I am worthless. I don’t know what makes me happy anymore, I don’t know what I like, I don’t know who I am. My brain eats itself everyday. My heart gets less functioning everyday. My liver begs me to stop drinking because truthfully, it doesn’t even help me cope anymore. Nothing does. Not art, not music, not self harming, not smoking, not drinking, nothing. Am I doing this to myself? I don’t even know. I’m not here most of the time. I am off somewhere unfamiliar and I don’t know where that place is.

There’s never a moment of silence in my head, and it’s always rapidly spiraling and going so many miles per hour I don’t know what to believe anymore. I have gotten so desperate and I’m need of help that I’ve reached out to God on so many different occasions and I think all he does is listen and laugh at me. I don’t know what I have done in this life or the last that has made me a complete embarrassment to society. I am in the process of isolating away from everyone because I can’t trust them anymore. I don’t like anybody anymore. Not even the people that make me the happiest do that anymore. It hurts. I am lost. I have been so fucking depressed that I don’t even think depression is the right word. I wish that I was killed off every single day. I have written so many suicide notes and they rest dormant in my beside drawer where all of my blades and empty alcohol bottles are. This is a cry for help. I’ve tried everything and it seems like there is nothing I can do anymore. It makes me feel sick. I wish that I could feel normal. I don’t know what to do, or how to get myself to care about anything anymore. I’m so miserable.

I feel so fucking destructive right now it’s taking everything in me not to fucking brutally stab my stomach over I’ve already sliced my damn legs up but that’s not enough anymore I need to be unrecognizable

Tomorrow was supposed to be our 8 month anniversary.

It sort of hurts thinking about it. Obviously I’m grateful it’s not, but man, what could’ve been….I don’t need to focus on what could’ve been. If I didn’t get what I want that’s because the universe has something better for me—and I’ve received that better already.

Its just going to take some time to heal. I’ve already been healing pretty nicely I think. I still kind of miss you because like … we spent so much time together. And I just hope you miss me too. I hope you eventually mourn you like how I do, and realize you’re missing something from your life that was wonderful.

I want to talk about how bad I’m struggling. I want help. I want to vent to my friends. I want to vent to people closest to me. But I am so scared and I am so guilty and ashamed. I can’t wait to blow my fucking head off

When I die nobody will be at my funeral

“I’m sorry, my baby, for letting you down on so many occasions”

“I only wished I had more time with you, and that I not wasted so much of the time I did have”

“I hope and pray I see you soon, my baby, like I always do”

I’m legitimately going crazy and I feel like I’m out of control. I need friends. I need a life. I need to get better. My borderline and OCD control everything. I can’t go days without wanting to be off the face of the earth. I am legitimately so close to just ending it. I want to be better and I know how to be better but it feels everything that is thrown at me is meant to tear me down and to discourage me and keep me in one place. I can’t stand being like this anymore. I need help. I need a fucking life. I’m safe right now but the thoughts are still there and all it does is keep me in my bed and completely empty inside knowing that it would all be better if I just went away.