It Genuinely Hurts To Live

Nobody really loves me anymore. Not even my friends or family or loved ones or partner or fucking anything. I just want to die. I don’t know how to escape this hellish cycle anymore. I don’t know how to be rational or to keep going. There is nothing to live for anymore. I want to kill myself.

I’m going to account to nothing my prime is up now I’m the ugliest fucking tranny in the entire world not even my own family or boyfriend or best friends see me as a male they’re just pretending Lol I can’t even blame them who fucking looks at me and says I’m a male I’m actually a fucking traumatized raped girl who’s sexual assault made them Fucking trans Oh my fod Lol I’m such a fucking stupid retard I Actually need to kill myself no wonder I was a fucking accident if I wasn’t an accident then my life wouldn’t be going this way but if fucking course God needed a FUCKINGN Jester Clown to laugh at and mock I am worse than fucking Lucifer I am Lucifer I am the fallen Angel from Heaven and that’s why God is being so fucking cruel to me I am Satan and I am getting ounishedplease god rip him out of me I don’t want to be the Devil anymore I want to be okay again and happy butiruin everything I swear Please God Jesus Or whoever If you’re listening please fucking kill me Please kill me I will pray I will worship I will go to church Wednesday and Sunday and Every OTHER FUCKING DAY oh my fod I’ll give up everything if it means Lucifer can get out of my body or if you just fucking Kill me Olease god I’m directly talking to you please listen to me please stop doing this I’m not strong I’m not a soldier I am a fucking weakling Human please stop doing this to me please it hurtsosb ad I will literally give up everything if it means that I can not be this way anymore please just fucking stop or kill me please Fucking Kill me or stop . Imso fucking sick of being like this please kill me. Please fucking kill me please just find a way to kill me I don’t want to do it myself I don’t want to hurt other people but since I already fucking do I might as well have everyone in this fucking house hear the gun go off and hear my bloodpainthee walls oh my god Olease just stop this I can’t be like this anymore I just want to be fucking Normal I want to be Hapoy I want to be aokay again I don’t want to be a fucking depressed worthless sack of shit oh my god please fucking kill me god kill me god fucking kill me god please god please Jesus fucking Kill me

Please fucking Kill memplease fucking Kill me I can’t take living like this anymore I’m shaky my heart hurts my ear is fucked up im sweating I feel nauseous fucking Kill me please make me have a fucking heart attack right now and kill me please fucking Kill me I want to scream it from my lungs oleasefucking kill me please god F stop fucking soiingthis go me please kill me

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

I’m a failure and an embarrassment

Kill me im so fucking done I’m so done i can’t take it anymore

I fucking miss uou I hate yyou

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

Makes me so fucking frustrated and upset “oh it could be worse it could be this it could be that” dude shut the actual fuck up you don’t know shit about anything and if you think it’s cuz I can’t take a joke you’re fucking wrong I will literally fucking trauma dump and make this WHOLE conversation uncomfortable

Please god fucking help me

I feel so alone and scared I can’t be an adult I just want to go back and restart it all