I’m Trying So Hard To Act Normal It Genuinely Feels Awful Again Like What The Actual Fuck Is Going

I wish I was beautiful to you

I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so dull

I’m so fucking sad man why do I have to be like this I can’t take it

Please fucking help me

My life is over

Suicide is something I am surprised you have never went through. Despite all your hardships in your life, there you are, standing tall and breathing. You’re accepting whatever life throws at you. This is something I will always love about you. Your strength. Your ability to say fuck you to issues that may be a really big deal to you, and to move forward. I wish that I would’ve been more like you.

I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I did just give up. I’m Sorry that I had to disappoint you this way. I’m sorry that I made you feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable with me when I was alive. I know a lot of the choices that I had made were not the best ones, that I made a lot of stupid choices on what to do with myself and who I involved myself with and everything, but I was just trying to escape. I was afraid to come to you because I know a lot of this stuff seems over dramatic, but it’s so real to me mom. It’s so real to me. And I was scared. I shouldn’t of been, but I was. There are so many things that I have not told you about that has spiraled me into these delusions. This isn’t your fault.

I’m sorry that I had made your life so much harder when I was born. I know that we got better as we grew up but I know that I weighed down heavy on you. I was a really big issue. I know that you would’ve preferred to be bothered by me than seeing me gone from your life forever, and im Sorry I’ve decided to make this choice. It isn’t your fault.

I will always forgive you. For every thing you’ve called me, for the years of depression you faced resulting in neglect, for all the arguments we’ve gotten into—every single bad thing that’s happened with us, it is behind me now. I will always love you. There really is nothing you could’ve done to ever make me stop loving you. You were my sunshine during rainy days even if you were the cause of the rain sometimes. You are only human and you make mistakes.

I will love you forever, all mistakes included. I am so lucky that I got the privilege to be your child. I’m so lucky that I was able to grow up with a mother like you. I’m so glad you raised me. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I’d rather have this fucked up life with you instead of having a perfect one with someone else.

I will always love you forever. My love for you will never go away, even into the afterlife. You will always be my best friend. You could never change that no matter what you may have done. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you.

I love you mom. I don’t know where I will be if there is an afterlife, but I hope that one day I can open my eyes and see you again. I hope that you go to Heaven if it’s real, even if that means I will never see you again. Never forget how much I appreciated you. Never forget that I will always love you from my entire being. I won’t leave your side, even in the afterlife. I love you mom. I always will.

I love you.

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

Tomorrow was supposed to be our 8 month anniversary.

It sort of hurts thinking about it. Obviously I’m grateful it’s not, but man, what could’ve been….I don’t need to focus on what could’ve been. If I didn’t get what I want that’s because the universe has something better for me—and I’ve received that better already.

Its just going to take some time to heal. I’ve already been healing pretty nicely I think. I still kind of miss you because like … we spent so much time together. And I just hope you miss me too. I hope you eventually mourn you like how I do, and realize you’re missing something from your life that was wonderful.

I just want you back I know I can’t have it and in reality I know it would be terrible to have you back. In reality I don’t even fucking want you back. But im spiraling and im so lost without you. I dont know what to do. I feel I still love you. I dont know what to fucking do. I just dont want to live anymore. I just want to fucking die. I hate you but god I would do anything for you in my life again. I just wish we could reverse time. I wish this didn’t happen. I wish j wasn’t alive

I’m fucking retarded and depending on anonymous tumblr anons to reassure me not to blow my fucking head off lol I am so pathetic I actually need to overdose so fucking bad when I get medicated bupropion I’m giving myself brain damage and serotonin Syndrom and seizing out in public while I get recorded and published on a stupid gore website with the title saying “WORTHLESS RETARD TRANNY OVERDOSES BECAUSE OF COURSE IT NEEDS MEDS!!!!” Oh my fucking Godlol I’m nothing I deserve to be fucking killed and splat on the pavement im so sick of this shit I literally think I cannot be more pathetic than I already am Then I pull some of the lowest shit ever and it’s like Jesus fucking Christ. Even all the notably bad people can’t compare to how fucking filthy and rotten and disgusting I am I need to slit my wrists and bleed out in a field in the middle of Nowhere lol I want to give people my location so they can take me the fuck Out if any of you legitimately want to hire a hit man to take me out I will give you money and my address and fucking everuthing just kill me holy shit just fucking kill me